Feeling lonely in a room full of people...  

boredhousewife30 43F
111 posts
12/5/2005 5:30 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Feeling lonely in a room full of people...

I was inspired to do this blog my good blogger buddy SpaceRangerNJ.
It seems to be an epidemic, regarding married couples where one or both are lonely. I find it to be sad that when people marry each other things change in such a drastic way. I am not saying every married couple is this way, I do know a lot of happily married people. However the ratio is overwhelming when studied. I could never understand how someone could be married with a family and still be so empty and alone, until now and that is only because I am in that situation myself. And unfortunately as I have posted in other posts, I am not in the position to leave my husband and I am not sure I could put my kids through that. Growing up I never understood, how life could be so bad that a couple would divorce. I can't see how the neglective partner can go on day to day and not realize that he/she is pushing her/his partner away each day. With every ignored touch, every hurtful word, every day that you sit in the same room and not a word is said. You sit there staring at the tv wondering why am I with this person sitting on the same couch with nothing to say to each other. It almost comes to a point where you start to question even knowing them anymore, thinking back to a time when you could read their minds or finish their sentences. And when looking at the big picture, the feeling you have of being alone is that in fact. You are alone emotionally and mentally, only having a "roommate" to help pay the bills and to use you as a trophy when needed, expected to smile and act as though you are happy. I often question myself as to how it went down this road and I evaluate my actions and do take respondsibility for things I have done wrong, but I can't take all the blame. I wish those partners that are causing the pain, could take some of the weight on themselves and realize what they are losing before it is to late. Which is where I am at now, my husband is trying to do little things now such as bringing home flowers, asking me out on dates..and I just have no interest after 3 years of nothing. I have become callased and numb to any actions from him. In my eyes it is to late and I am still here because of my kids. But I know in the long run, we will not make it and somehow I will be to blame..(probably get caught on here and that will be the reason) lol
I just wanted to put this out there for all the people both men and woman that feel totally alone in a relationship and let you know that your not alone, in fact you probably have more support from the bloggers/friends on AdultFriendFinder then anywhere else...Keep smiling and in case you can't see the message Ziggy is saying it says "Loneliness is buying Parkay just to have someone to talk to"


RollandRG 37M
13 posts
12/5/2005 5:56 pm

Wow, that really hit home with me. Not that I have ever been married, but I have fooled around with some married women. And I never understood why they were doing it. They told me that I gave them something that they didn't get at home. Now I understand a little better. And it scares me. I just figured those women married the guy because they were pregnant at the time or whatever. But you seemed to have had a real connection with your husband before you got married. And now there seems as though there is nothing. It makes me think that it could happen to me someday.
Now I guess that you feel it is too little too late. And I can understand that. But you mention staying together for the kids. So don't you think that it would be in the best interest to give it a go, and enjoy the flowers that he brings home, and accept his invitations to date night. Does it do anybody any good to stay together and be miserable? Do you think that won't affect the kids? or that they don't notice it?
I am not trying to chastise you. I am just trying to get a better understanding, and playing devils advocate a little. I sincerely hope the situation improves somehow.


boredhousewife30 43F

12/5/2005 7:16 pm

    Quoting RollandRG:
    Wow, that really hit home with me. Not that I have ever been married, but I have fooled around with some married women. And I never understood why they were doing it. They told me that I gave them something that they didn't get at home. Now I understand a little better. And it scares me. I just figured those women married the guy because they were pregnant at the time or whatever. But you seemed to have had a real connection with your husband before you got married. And now there seems as though there is nothing. It makes me think that it could happen to me someday.
    Now I guess that you feel it is too little too late. And I can understand that. But you mention staying together for the kids. So don't you think that it would be in the best interest to give it a go, and enjoy the flowers that he brings home, and accept his invitations to date night. Does it do anybody any good to stay together and be miserable? Do you think that won't affect the kids? or that they don't notice it?
    I am not trying to chastise you. I am just trying to get a better understanding, and playing devils advocate a little. I sincerely hope the situation improves somehow.
Oh my goodness, I do not feel like you are chastising me at all, I am fine answering your questions. What I falled to mention is that I have begged this man for 3 years to go to counseling with me, he made promise after promise to make things right and failed to follow through and after you hear empty promises so many times you give up and once that "feeling" is gone, I am not sure if it can be brought back. I see your point of me trying to make it work and the effects it might have on my kids if that is the only reason I am staying, 2 of them are to young to have a clue and my oldest probably does know something is going on, but hasn't said anything. He is not her real Dad, and they really don't get along anymore. He is on her ass 24/7 over the littlest things. I do enjoy the flowers he brings me and I do go out on some of the dates to keep peace in the house, I can't say I have a very good time, but I fake it well. Does it do any good to stay and be miserable? Well when it comes to the sake of my kids I have to say yes, I always do what is best for them now and for the future. They won't be little forever and that is my "something to look forward to". I am thankful for my kids because they get me through each day and each day I have something new to smile about and look forward to through them But please keep in mind, that not all woman feel the way I do and in my opinion everyone cheats for different reasons..thank you for your comments, truthfully it has made me look at the big picture again and reanalyze my relationship, I need to check it every now and then


RollandRG 37M
13 posts
12/5/2005 11:13 pm

I am glad I could help, if I did. Yes, it makes it a difference if you have asked him to go to counseling with you. My feeling is that he is doing these things, bringing flowers and asking you out on dates, to avoid the counseling. If he ever feels things are good again, he will stop doing those things.
I see your point of staying with him for the kids. I don't know how old they are, but until they are how old do you stay with him? 16? 18? 21?
Has this relationship turned you off to marraige? If not, how old will you be when you finally leave him. It seems that is set in your mind.
A friend of mine just left her husband, she is 39. She is turned off to marraige now. I don't really know why I am asking all this, just throwing stuff out there for you to think about I guess. I truly hope that everything works out in your best interest. And I have really enjoyed hearing your perspecive on this is and talking to you. I hope you will keep me abreast of the situation.


SpaceRangerNJ 55M
4687 posts
12/8/2005 11:28 pm

Hi boredhousewife30 and rollandrg. Thought I'd jump in with my situation. It's been 8 years for me before I got fed up. She and I did some counseling early on but for other reasons. A few years ago I asked her to go again but she refused. For good reason though. As much as I wanted to work on it then I had to wait. It looks like we will start going to someone after the 1st of the year. It may be too late:

And it's too late baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide
And I just can't fake it, oh no no no no.

Carole King



There is definately a communication problem, some misconceptions and some difference of opinion (that won't change and I might not be able to agree to disagree).

I still invite her on dates and just to spend time together. I tell her I want to spend time together. It might just be riding in the car together to where she needs to go even when I have no reason to go where she is going other than to keep her company.

She is a good person. We don't have knock down drag out fights. Wouldn't be good with a kid around (her kid from a prior marriage). I suppose if we did, that would have been reason to separate a long time ago. No kid should have to grow up with that. There is stress and the kid has indicated they see it. I wish we could give them a better example of how a married couple should behave. Helps them have a healthy marriage.

Step kid situations are not easy. It has been the three of us from the beginning. That did not leave much that was special and just between my wife and I. Even our anniversary belongs to the three of us. We didn't have those long weekends away that you get in the beginning of a relationship and early on in the marriage. We didn't have time to get our relationship hammered out before kids like many couples do. No Valentines day that was your own. No Holidays or birthdays when it was just the two of us. Bet some of you never thought of those things?

Right now I think she sees me mostly as a paycheck. She sees herself as a single mom. She doesn't want my opinion on raising the kid and gets defensive. Doesn't accept my offers, most of the time, to help out. Would rather do it herself even if she is dead tired. In her mind, She does have her reasons though. And some are valid. She's a smart woman.
I am always second fiddle to the kid. I understand that at times, even for extended periods, this is the way it must be. But all the time? (agree to disagree? I think not). Will it finally swing a little my way when the kid is out of the house? I think the priorities will shift from the kid to herself and now she will come before me. (Yes, I know the woman always cums first but that's not what I'm talking about). Just looking for a little balance.
Do I need to work on things? I have been for most of the 8 years and am a much better person than I was. Did she work on things during those 8 years. I don't think so. Maybe a little. Is there more for me to do? Sure. Who is blameless in these situations?

We have three different last names. Not condusive to feeling like a family.
I could go on.

Bottom line is it can feel very lonely in a marriage, more lonely than when you are not attached. Although when I'm alone and lonely it feels sometimes worse than when I'm lonely in the company of others.

That's all I have to say about that!

At least for now

SR


boredhousewife30 43F

12/13/2005 7:19 pm

I am glad that my responses are from men because that means that I am hitting home some way or another. You men that have responed have very big hearts and I hope that you either continue to be treated well or begin to be treated well.


boredhousewife30 43F

12/13/2005 7:28 pm

    Quoting SpaceRangerNJ:
    Hi boredhousewife30 and rollandrg. Thought I'd jump in with my situation. It's been 8 years for me before I got fed up. She and I did some counseling early on but for other reasons. A few years ago I asked her to go again but she refused. For good reason though. As much as I wanted to work on it then I had to wait. It looks like we will start going to someone after the 1st of the year. It may be too late:

    And it's too late baby, now it's too late
    Though we really did try to make it
    Something inside has died and I can't hide
    And I just can't fake it, oh no no no no.

    Carole King


    There is definately a communication problem, some misconceptions and some difference of opinion (that won't change and I might not be able to agree to disagree).

    I still invite her on dates and just to spend time together. I tell her I want to spend time together. It might just be riding in the car together to where she needs to go even when I have no reason to go where she is going other than to keep her company.

    She is a good person. We don't have knock down drag out fights. Wouldn't be good with a kid around (her kid from a prior marriage). I suppose if we did, that would have been reason to separate a long time ago. No kid should have to grow up with that. There is stress and the kid has indicated they see it. I wish we could give them a better example of how a married couple should behave. Helps them have a healthy marriage.

    Step kid situations are not easy. It has been the three of us from the beginning. That did not leave much that was special and just between my wife and I. Even our anniversary belongs to the three of us. We didn't have those long weekends away that you get in the beginning of a relationship and early on in the marriage. We didn't have time to get our relationship hammered out before kids like many couples do. No Valentines day that was your own. No Holidays or birthdays when it was just the two of us. Bet some of you never thought of those things?

    Right now I think she sees me mostly as a paycheck. She sees herself as a single mom. She doesn't want my opinion on raising the kid and gets defensive. Doesn't accept my offers, most of the time, to help out. Would rather do it herself even if she is dead tired. In her mind, She does have her reasons though. And some are valid. She's a smart woman.
    I am always second fiddle to the kid. I understand that at times, even for extended periods, this is the way it must be. But all the time? (agree to disagree? I think not). Will it finally swing a little my way when the kid is out of the house? I think the priorities will shift from the kid to herself and now she will come before me. (Yes, I know the woman always cums first but that's not what I'm talking about). Just looking for a little balance.
    Do I need to work on things? I have been for most of the 8 years and am a much better person than I was. Did she work on things during those 8 years. I don't think so. Maybe a little. Is there more for me to do? Sure. Who is blameless in these situations?

    We have three different last names. Not condusive to feeling like a family.
    I could go on.

    Bottom line is it can feel very lonely in a marriage, more lonely than when you are not attached. Although when I'm alone and lonely it feels sometimes worse than when I'm lonely in the company of others.

    That's all I have to say about that!

    At least for now

    SR
I wish you the best of luck sweetie, seems we have alot of the same issues in our marriages other then the child, I am the one who brought the child into the relationship. I do not let my child come between my husband and I and they pretty much have a good relationship. My advice to you regarding that issue, is to be careful that is a very touchy area for woman. And as shitty as it might sound, our children come before anything/anyone at some point in time, and the saying "a woman will gain the strength of 10 men when protecting her child" is very true. Not saying you are hurting her kid but you get my point. I think the difference between mine and yours is that I watched my brother early on deal with the blended family thing with his wife who sounds like what yours is doing and I swore I would never allow my child to put a wedge between me and my partner no matter what and I would back my partner (in front of her) whether I agreed or not and I have stuck to that. I have to say that parenting our kids (3 of them) is the strongest part of our marriage. That I am thankful for I hope that counseling works everything out for you guys and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my "ass" with agree to go sometime soon...
Have a great holiday and an awesome New Year!!
Bored...


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