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A new attitude
A new attitude
A Blog.. now that is an interesting concept. Sounds like fun to me. Maybe even therapeutic?
Never thought I would have such a thing.. but why the heck not?
What shall I talk about? So many little subjects running around in my brain.......... (fingers tapping desk, eyes looking at ceiling) hmmm...
How about my new attitude in life? Maybe it is just my mid life crisis??? Who knows.. who cares. Whatever it is, it has been a positive thing for me. At any rate, it has been what has brought me here in the first place. So it seems appropriate to write about it first.
I cant believe I spent so much of my life not living the life I wanted to live. Raised in a somewhat strict religious environment I grew up to be constantly worried about what others would think of me and my behavior. Locked into what society, or at least the people I hung around with, thought was proper, ladylike behavior. For some reason.. with some of these folks, expressing your true self was just not OK.
I lived like this for a very long time. I really don't know why, but at some point I began to question everything. Right about the time I was questioning some of these things a country song came out. 'I hope you dance' you know what I'm talking about if you listen to country music, and quite a few of you even if you don't. The song was powerful for me.
The concept really hit home with me. I never danced, at least in public anyway. I love dancing. Let me say that again, I LOVE dancing. I could do it every day. I love karaoke too. I would go out to karaoke with friends.. but never sing. I'm not even sure exactly why I wouldn't. I guess when I evaluate it, somewhere deep down I felt expressing yourself or having too much fun was wrong, and of course someone might disapprove, laugh, talk behind my back, I might make a fool out of myself. All of those sort of world ending, terrible possibilities. I would sit there and be jealous of those people that were dancing and singing, but never step out and actually do it.
So many things in my life like this, including my sex life. I wanted more out of it, to try different things, but of course I was way too afraid of what he might think of me to suggest changing the status quo.
It was in part that song that made me really begin to question, why don't I dance? Other people dance, really, what is it that I am afraid of? That my mother might think I shouldn't, I am 32, why do I care anymore? Somewhat like the song, dancing became a euphemism for all the things in my life I was holding back on. I could come up with no real, logical reason why I should not be living my life the way I wanted to, and experiencing all the things life had to offer before I died.
It was then that I decided that this was a ridiculous way to be, and it was definitely time for a change. It has taken awhile, some things I still have not changed, some things I have but you know I don't tell my mother!! shhhh! I have changed my life and my attitude enough though, that... oh my God.. it is amazing. I feel free!
(Eric Clapton singing in the background... I'm free, I'm freeeeee)
It is a heady, wonderful, powerful, intoxicating feeling. Finally, I feel like I am alive.
Now I do dance, even in public.. I dance my ass off, I dance as often as I can.. and I am still OK, the world did not come to an end, God did not strike me down, I didn't step on a crack and break my mother's back, as a matter of fact I feel like I am finally happy with myself. I wish I had not spent so many years chained up by these invisible limits I placed on myself. I will never, I can never, go back to that.
I don't imagine I am completely alone in this. To anyone that is reading this and might relate at all - I, with all my heart, hope you dance too. I highly recommend it!
3/30/2005 12:37 pm
A very big Welcome to you hun,|
you'll enjoy these blogs.
Start the music and let the dancing begin.