|Blogs > blueeyedmurder3 > confessions of a BDSM wannabe|
my sexual makeup
my sexual makeup
I wonder if I'll be able to express this the way I want.
My sexuality has been unusual from the time I was a kid. I know the enema fixation came from my mother giving them to me at about 7 or 8 years old. But really, the unusual needs started before that. There are early memories of playing doctor with the neighbor kids. Shirts off, hoses down pants - etc - moms catching us, freaking out.....LOL. Playing with Barbie dolls - and Barbie getting a little more than she bargained for from Ken. Even at really young ages, before I knew what sex was all about, the euphoria that love led up to was more about pain than pleasure.
For a while I wanted to analyze that all. "Solve" the problem - get to the roots of it. And I spent lots of time in counseling - going over early illnesses. Breathing difficulties that had me in the emergency room as a toddler. Allergy testing at the doctors that involved "scratching" your back with needles and putting allergens in the wounds. Then determining what I was allergic to, and going in for weekly shots which I was absolutely terrified of. Then my mother freaking out about me not pooping for a few days and getting on this enema thing. (Which she was probably into herself!)
Good Lord, the counseling community wanted to turn all this stuff into child abuse - life got incredibly complicated and I spent YEARS trying to "get over it all" and become "normal". I'll spare you all the gory details of that - suffice to say, while the years and years of yakking about this stuff did me some good in terms of learning responsibility, a work ethic, and how to deal with life's ups and downs - their efforts to stuff me into some mold did more damage than good. In fact, I think that the majority of what went wrong in my marriage was directly related to those years of having somebody try and "normalize" me. I picked my husband on the basis of what that counselor told me I should be looking for. And it couldn't have BEEN more wrong. That's a pretty recent revelation.
I know my marriage went belly up before it even happened. And I know why. I was leading my then fiance into sexual experimentation involving going past the line of straight sex. Just sticking a toe in. It was the tiniest bit of light bondage. And his reaction to that was so lukewarm and embarrassed that I simply shut down. How would he EVER want me - this wasn't wifely, Christian, worthy of his uppity family etc etc etc. I was just plain lousy marriage material and I knew I would NEVER fit in. So in a backwards effort to try and keep him, I shut down all my sexuality. I looked like s fine Christian wife! I despised sex! Repressed! Judgemental of others! Refused to have it! And wasn't quite aware why I was doing it!!!!!
That was my part of screwing up my marriage. His part was not being able to make one stinking effort to help me get around it. I've already said quite enough about how he helped screw us up. Just know that I accept my part, and try daily to accept myself for the screwup that I became. The best thing I ever did for him was agree to let him go. He's young enough to start over - have kids - find someone who can really make him happy. She won't be ANYTHING like me. Trust me! And I am now on a journey to be the person I left behind so many years ago.
Anyway, I digress. I've come to realize that it doesn't matter if you're genetically wired to be kinky, or if it happened to you during childhood, it's possible that it's something that doesn't have to be "cured". I see certainly that there are people out there who are over the edge. The body modification people who actually hurt and mutilate themselves. They may need help. The death/goth people. They seem to be over the edge. I truly don't know where you draw the line, or even if it's ok to judge any of these folks for what they do. I simply know that what gets me off is not necessarily damaging to me. And how I got to this place is strange and wonderful.
There is this fine line between pain and pleasure. I've always liked to play a bit on either side of it. I do know my body needs more stimulation than the "normal" person's to reach orgasm. My nipples aren't sensitive enough to feel those feather light touches that some girls talk of. The lightest touch of someone's tongue pretty much goes unnoticed by me. I will eventually tell you to suck me as hard as you can - encourage you to bite. THEN I feel something. Why? No idea! That's just the way I'm wired! Same thing with my clit. You have to get rough with it before I can get over the edge. That doesn't mean I can't appreciate a gentle touch as an expression of love. It just means that really passionate good sex is going to be a little rougher for me than for most women.
The kinkier stuff is really easy to figure out. The medical fetish stuff comes from the anxiety of going to the Dr.s office as a kid. It really left a lasting impression. The enema fixation comes from my mom messing with my butt. SOme things I haven't mentioned yet- electrostim - urethral penetration - who knows - that may all be tied to the medical stuff as well. Bondage is - well, just hot! I got to the point where rejecting it all meant I never got off. Ever.
Those fanasies had to be active for me to cum.
So I started thinking after all of this - what is really so bad and damaging about this stuff? I am a sensible person. I know when to stop because I might hurt myself. I don't see myself slipping into really destructive behavior while experimenting with it. Certainly the "professionals" have instill the "panic" button in me to make me examine any action that may be taking me over the line. I decided to stokp pretending to be some well adjusted society debutante. I decided to explore who I really am and see where that got me.
And the answers are truly amazing.
7/23/2005 10:45 am
WOW You sound almost like a match to me. As a child my mother also would give me enemas every Saturday from about the age of 5. I would go into the bathroom and undress, She would be sitting there in her bra and pantys. I would then be made to lay accross her lap she would spreed my cheek and lube my anas. Sticking her finger in me. Then she would insert her bulb with a nozzle on it in me ans squeese it in me. this went on about 6 or 7 times. I was then made to hold it for what seemed like and hour but was just a few min. I then was put on the john and let to empty. I remember I always had a boner. From them, And as I would sit there I could see a full enema bag hanging. |
After I was finished my mom would send me out and she would lock the door. As I got older I relaized That after I had goten my enema she was giving herself one.
When I was anout 8 she started using the bag on me.
You are right about her having a deep thing about enemas herself. She to problly got them as a kid herself.
When I was 11 I started growing pubic hair and one day she said she had something new was going to happen. With that she took me to a friend of ours and a neighbor who had a daughter about 2 years younger then me and was a nurse.
When we got there I was told that as I was getting older that Susan was now going to give me my enemas. My mother then left and Susan led me into her bedroom. She had towels layed on the bed and some lube layed on the night stand. She told me to undress as she walked into the bathroom. When she came out she had on her nurse's uniform on and holding a big bag. she came over and hung the bag on the end of the bedpost. Then told me to get on the bed. I did as I was told. Susan then put on a rubber glove and started putting some kind of lube on it,
after that she spreed my cheeks and started rubbing it around my anas, It felt warm then she started inserting a finger in me. Taking it slow pushing it in and out and with every push going a little deeper. By now I was moaning a little then she pushed it a little harder and I felt her nuckel go passed my anal ring and deep inside me, I let out a deep moan. Susan fingered my butt for a time then removed her finger and inserted a thermonter in me. I did not know that it was not common for and 11 year old to still get there tempeture taken this way until a few years later.
After my tempture was taken was taken I saw nurse Susan lubing what I though was the enema nozzle, but It looked differnt then anything I had seen before. It was about 8 inchs long and had what looked like a small egg at the end.
susan started inserting it in, It really spreed me and then it was in.
Nurse Susan had me on my hands and knees as she started the enema. It felt warm going in and really made me hard. I started to cramp as I took about a 1/3 of it. I was then but in a side position and it was started again, now as it was going in Susan started massaged my stomach. After I had taken 2/3 of it nurse Susan had me on my back to finish it by now my stomach was bulging and I had a tent post standing.
After I had taken the hole enema she shut it off and mad me hold it for about 5 min. Then helped me up and to the bathroom to empty it.
Over the years I was to realize that nurse Susan was a kinky lady.
She had a number of bulbs, bags, nozzles, hoses, toys and butt plugs.
And I think she used all of them on me at one time or another.
Have you ever had one with a colon tube? Over the years she gave them to me (11 until I was 1 there was alot of strange things that she did. She used a cathter a few times on me. Also I had my first orgasum when I was 12 as she she gave me one. A few times she had a couple of her friends there when she was giving me one.
The Strangest thing I thank she did was use me as a model to show a class of about 20 student nurses she was teaching how to shave a male and give and enema.
So don't blame yourself for your sexual feelings. Not everyone is the same as you are at anything. What is normal? If everyone was the same then this world would be borning.