|Blogs > blueeyedmurder3 > confessions of a BDSM wannabe|
my prince pt 2
my prince pt 2
So knowing rationally about ALL that I just wrote about logic, common sense and protecting yourself, I find myself online one night in March or so, and all of my great rules are challenged. And they remain so.
I had just experimented with my first webcam experience. I was bored - I had purchased the cam at the suggestion of a real live lover who lives out of town. I rarely see him, and we were both missing each other. We finished,it was better than sole masterbation, yet certainly not as satisfying as him in person. I wondered what attracted people to this stuff so much. Clicked around on AdultFriendFinder and found - a WEBCAM room! Well, this was scary stuff, strangers, exposing yourself, I decided just to poke around and see what it was like.
It was like torture. I was immediately IM'd a dozen times - propositioned sleazily in the room itself - and finally told everybody to knock it off, I just wanted to watch. I mean, I don't have a picture up - and these folks clearly didn't even CARE about the appearance of the person they'd be getting naked with. I watched for a while, and was NOT encouraged.
Then I saw someone sign on with a screen name that was quite modest, and spoke of being from another country - a half a world away. He politely asked if anyone was interested in having a chat. Nothing pushy, no expectations, and he didn't have a pic up either. I thought - this might be safe. So I responded to HIM and we clicked on an IM room. On the other end was a very handsome and wonderful surprise. His physical type suited me to a "T". Shy and smiling - sipping coffee from a nice mug. And he was equally surprised at my appearance. Especially since he was a mere 29 years old - and I am about 20 years older that than - could literally be his mother. Well I know I look much younger than I am. And I know that I photograph very well - or let's say I know how to light myself very well.
Well my friend and I chatted for about an hour. I truly liked this person. He could converse. We liked MANY of the same things - including our dogs. Mine were pestering me - they came up for a peek and he was delighted! He panned over to show me his. Also sporting dogs - curled up around his feet much like mine were. We shared similar tastes just about everything. Both a little too educated, both having low expectations of life even for people who'd had some entitlement in this life. The one thing we didn't talk about for hours was sex. When exploring the others circumstances - I explained I was nearing a divorce - and he explained he was recently married, and his sex life had pretty much died. He was as oversexed as I was - could easily go several times a day - and he said he had permission to use a webcam to satisfy urges what he clearly wasn't going to have satisfied at home.
I thought this through quickly. Actual encounters for me were at a minimum. I wanted more as much as he did. He was kind, a little shy and half a world away. How much trouble could I possibly get in? And I knew all the rules, maybe we could have a little dalliance for a while and help each other. So I decided to see what the webcam could do to enhance this kind of cybersex. I took off my shirt. Felt uncomfortable, but adventerous. And I figured - if I was unappealing to him because of my age, this would be the time to find out.
He was not put off by my appearnce. At all. And he blushed and opened his trousers. And what I saw probably hooked me for life.
It was a completely gorgeous uncut cock. Easily nine, ten inches long and a nice thickness to boot. When he pulled back the foreskin, the head was moist, bright red and looked so sensitive my mouth watered. And I told him so. He was surprised, as apparently in his country, women were put off by the size and the unusual appearance. All I could think at that moment was that his wife must be completely insane. I tentatively began playing with my breasts - getting in to my extreme stuff - pinching hard - pulling, slapping. And he very soon shot off a huge load. And another soon after. My goodness, the prowess of youth. We said goodnight afterwards, and promised to remain in touch. He was on the next morning. And the next afternoon. And because I knew I was liking this a bit too much, I backed off for a while.
Over the next few sessions - a bit spread out - he expressed how smitten and grateful he was to have found someone like me. And we exchanged some actual sexual preferences. We were both very kinky. VERY kinky. Both liked ass play, both liked bondage, he had been with men, and I was incredibly turned on by that! Both liked a bit of pain, gentle torture, and both were lacking a big need for romance that we didn't seem to find elsewhere. We played "can you top this story" and soon discovered that we had absolutely no fear to expect judgement from the other.
Yet his life was authenticly down to earth. As was he. And as am I. And I found, for the first time in my life - someone who felt that the way he was madeup was completely natural. Actually wholesome. That straight sex would NEVER satisfy either of us - and that to lead a satisfying, productive life, we both needed to do these things. And while we have DOM/sub things - (both are better at subbing) we treat such things as loving, caring acts. Soon, we were completely forgetting our age difference. And performing some of our most secret desires on webcam for each other. And the desire to have it be real was overwhelming for both! While knowing it wasn't possible, I got to the point where I'd rather be online with him, than have an actual encounter with a lover. His kindness never waivered. His dedication to us never waivered. And we found ourselves falling in love. Just what I said I'd never do again.
His genteel language also sweeps me away. Loving, romantic, so heartfelt. One day I expressed that I admired him so because in spite of him being so polite, kind and gentle with people, he still managed to be very assertive about his business and life. Nothing put him off. I told him that so often, I found myself afraid of things. And he said "you'll never have to worry about that, I'll be your lion."
That's when I knew I was beyond breaking my rules. I love him. I won't deny it. ANd in spite of knowing that meeting will of course be starting over, I cannot give up on that idea.
I've always told others that sticking to your morals, ethics and beliefs is a great concept in theory - until life throws you something that you can't address that way. There is a wife. There is a business and family wealth that will all be put in jeopardy if we act on this. I may have already screwed up by going this far. That hurts to think of. I'm a grownup. I know better. But I truly think I've stumbled on the love of my life. As has he. And what will happen will happen.
He is my prince.
7/25/2005 9:45 am
love knows not and cares not what is to be lost and to try and hold back love is like tring to stop a train by standing on the tracks it only hurts cause it cant be done so you should just go with it and see where you end up|
7/25/2005 4:28 pm