musings from the bottom of the tequila bottle  

blueeyedmurder3 59F
40 posts
8/8/2005 7:27 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

musings from the bottom of the tequila bottle

It's NEVER taken much to get me shitfaced drunk. Even less now that I'm more or less off alcohol for health reasons. Back in college, I could pound back lots and lots of beer - and maintain the same level of drunk - but even then it only took one to get me loaded. Now - Good God! One glass of wine and I'm singing show tunes in the street - give me two and I'll fall asleep for 2 days. I'm quite the stimulating date, I tell you.

Well, tonight I emptied the tequila bottle after a particularly horrendous day at work. There were about two shots in there, and in the summertime, I like to mix them w/ pink lemonade. Easier than margaritas. Quite the buzz right now.

The horrendous day at work is not well timed. With few details to retain my anonymity - I am filling in for someone who's on vacation. 2 years ago, this would not have been a problem at all! But last year during the divorce, I first had a meltdown, then the month we sold our house and had to vacate in THREE WEEKS - (with nowhere to go I might add) and I landed in the hospital with a life threatening infection - and tests for that uncovered a variety of potentially fatal health problems. Tumors to be exact.

Well I was scared shitless. Having to pack the contents of a 4 bedroom house and squabble over who got what, not knowing where I was moving, being hospitalized while incredibly sick, then facing more potentially fatal health issues, I was simply overwhelmed. And I walked in to work one day and said I can't do this. I can't concentrate, my whole life is upside down and my brain simply isn't working.

Well my normally cut throat company surprised the shit out of me. I"d worked there for 25 years. And they were forcing people out like crazy. Instead, they downscaled my duties, moved my vacation all around and fixed it so I could get to all my medical appts - and have various meltdowns while I moved in with friends. It took 3 months to get somewhat settled in a single bedroom at a freinds house w/ my dogs, and to discover that all these tumors were not malignant, and I was thankfully, not going to die. It took another two to have all the surgery necessary to get everything resolved - and to finally beat the systemic infection.

The only downside to the whole incident was that they hired another person to fill in for me. And they liked him so much, I was demoted. I still had my job, but everybody's confidence in me was shot. I was originally on the top of the heap in my department, now I was given responsibilities that a new hire should have.
Thankfully, I can do this job in my sleep - but getting back to the top projects is somehow difficult. I am not the same. Not as sharp, memory not as good, eyesight failing.

Tonight I was filling in for someone on vacation. And everything I was doing went to hell in a handbasket - all due to technical problems and other humans errors. I went over everything time and time again- and was certain I had not made any mistakes. I didn't. But the final project was a disaster. It happens in real time, you can't go back and fix anything. So I was called in and made to explain every failure - which I did. But you could see - they're not confident about me. They're waiting for me to fail them.

To have this happen and have absolutely none of it be my fault is just excruciating. I still bear the blame, that's the nature of what I do.

So I announced I was going home to drink heavily, which I have done.

This is the sort of night where you should come home to a partner, mate, SO, husband, whatever, and spill all your troubles, have your ego boosted up, and they get fucked within an inch of your life to take your mind off it. Then you realize how foolish worrying about jobs and other mindless crap is.

Come to think of it, that never happened when I was married. Oh well.

I still believe that there's a person out there who can fill not only that need, but my need for kink, and who will not insist on marrying me and living in the same house. Is it really too much to hope for?

overworkedloon 56M
400 posts
8/9/2005 8:10 am

I wish I could offer more than a cyber hug and an electronic shoulder to cry on. Life has a way of presenting opportunities, you just have to grab them.

Oh sorry for your hangover you are no doubt least I suffer one everytime I drink tequila.

bedhead4 61M

8/9/2005 5:49 pm

see my email to you

blueeyedmurder3 59F

8/9/2005 6:59 pm

TY Loon - And happily, the whole thing turned around on them. This will be revealing too much, but hell, it's buried in reponses. We won in the ratings! So I asked them if they'd like me to screw it up every day. Stupid crazy business.

Here's something odd - Tequila is the ONLY thing I drink that doesn't give me a hangover!!! At least 4 shots - and only the slightest hint of a headache, gone by the time I got to work.

overworkedloon 56M
400 posts
8/11/2005 8:54 am

Somehow I bet you don't get any credit. Well, a bug hug and an attagirl from me.

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