|Blogs > blueeyedmurder3 > confessions of a BDSM wannabe|
When will the other stiletto heel drop?
When will the other stiletto heel drop?
Alzheimers - is that the way the saying goes? Shoe fall, shoe drop? Neither sound right at this moment. Alzheimers runs in my family and whenever this happens I freak out! LOL. Just getting old.
Anyway, I know I'm on a post divorce tear right now, seeing too many people, having sex with too many people. In my brain somehow, this is making up for lost time - and proving something to somebody - although I'm not quite sure who. I spent my whole life seeing shrinks or counselors, and at this moment, have pretty much rejected it all. While there's been some good stuff that came from it, there were also bad and misleading things that made me act in a way that wasn't true to my own being.
The entire psychiatric community - along with church and society in general - tell us that you should spend a long time getting to know someone and THEN become sexually active. Church folk can hold us to the higher standard of ONE partner inside marriage. But the truth is, and if you read anything on AdultFriendFinder you know this, at least 50 percent of the time, sex inside marriage is a total and complete bust. It certainly was for me, and it doesn't matter whose fault it was. Could have been 100 percent me, and I'd be OK with that accusation.
So I'm back to an old behavior - having sex too quickly - and finding it's only satisfying for a while, then wanting more. Hell, I thought that's what was supposed to happen with sex - you want more! Ever wonder if that's what goes wrong with marriage? People become so sated with love and romance and sexual satisfaction they just stop caring?
Anyway, the shrinks all want to tell me this behavior is a problem. And right now, I don't feel like it is. I am absolutely reveling in the fact that I'm considered attractive - even hot - for the first time in my life. I've been completely honest with everybody about what I want and what I'm doing - and have acted safely with everyone.
So all should be well, right? Well it's not. Men who say they want hit and runs and are just fine with the relationship in the beginning are suddenly not fine with it. It either gets turned around on me - that *I* want too much from them, or they become unhappy that I am not solely theirs and someone gets their feelings hurt. And suddenly I'm getting these "whore" vibes from people.
It's the same old crap that's been going on for EVER. Men can collect women. Have mistresses while they are married. Keep a little black book, and bed every woman in it. They are rewarded with the admiration of other men, and the adoration of women.
But a woman who has sex with a number of men will always be labelled a whore. Looked down on after the fact by the very men who want to bed her. And hated and vilified by other women, who seem to be the keeper of the flame when it comes to the nuclear family.
Right now, I don't care about it. I feel free to do whatever I want, openly. But I worry that someday, maybe soon, things will change and I will want different things. Worry that this behavior will come back and bite me in the ass somehow.
But I don't know how else to accomplish what I want. Which is this.
I want a lover.
Oh yes, how Carrie Bradshaw of me, I know. But what I mean is this - I want somebody whose sexual makeup compliments mine - in terms of all those other things I've written about. Someone who doesn't regard it as dirty or embarrassing - but to whom this type of sex actually feels normal! Who sees it as romantic. Who is willing to experiment with it, and do so safely and with care for the other person at the forefront of everyone's mind. And I don't know how else to find that person without doing what I'm doing now.
I"ve said in the "questions" section recently, this kind of partner is extremely hard to find, because it requires a higher level of intimacy than straight sex does. It's a really, really tall order. It's possible that it could never happen without the internet, because you're just not exposed to enough people.
To further complicate this, I don't want this person to marry me. And I don't want to live with them, because I TRULY value my own space and my right to behave in it as I want and especially CLEAN it like I want. (that's a story for another day!!!) LOL. That doesn't mean there can't be stretches of companionship - days, weeks, but when everybody starts getting cranky, it's imperative that there's a place to have some down time. Not in the car, not sitting in the park for a few hours - but your own place. To let down, to feel truly comfortable and alone. Good alone.
Hell, this may all change. Maybe it's from hurt and rejection. But I truly think that this is just how I'm wired. And I"m tired of being dissected and held to standards that are supposed to be "normal". Hell if we were all normal, life would be too fucking boring to bear.
So - when will the other stiletto heel drop? And who will be wearing it? Or will it come in a pretty box with a bow - held by someone who can finally meet my needs?
I want to stop being afraid of finding out.