|Blogs > blueeyedmurder1 > Confessions of a BDSM wannabe|
NOW. Let's get down to business.
NOW. Let's get down to business.
Perhaps we can stop worrying about the small minded antics of the AdultFriendFinder staff, and talk about the stuff we're really here to talk about.
I might possibly, maybe, have found a dom. Scary stuff this. And I won't break any confidences in here, just will say that this is heady stuff, and I am pleasantly surprised that this person may fit my idea of what a dom should be better than I expected was possible.
Have you ever read some of the fantasies submissives have? These is some really twisted stuff out there - right down to one woman who wrote out her fantasy of being tortured, bones broken, killed, cut up by her dom and eaten on stage - pieces offered to the highest bidder. Kind of a S&M fundraiser or something. Sadder than anything, I sat there and read it in horrified fascination - especially because she had PHOTOS of some of the torture she was describing in the text.
My idea of D/s is nothing like that. If I'm in suspension bondage on a stage, my dom had better be making me scream with pleasure, and the seats out front better be empty.
I admit I like to skirt the line between pleasure and pain. But I only can go just so far on the other side of the line before I turn into a big wuss. I don't like whipping, flogging, paddles, not even spanking too much. And I'm adamant I don't want to be humiliated. So what in the world am I looking for?
Well, truthfully, I don't know. That's why exploring this before practicing it is going to be crucial. There are simply images that have been with me since childhood - reactions to things that were never "normal". Other girls would see a lot of skin in a sex scene and get very hot. Those appealed to me, certainly. But I was the only kid around who got ultra hot over torture scenes. Plates of the Spanish Inquisition. Descriptions of bondage and whipping. . All kinds of politically incorrect stuff. I knew early on my wiring was screwy. I knew I wanted to be used sexually - then comforted and soothed by the person who did it.
Many of you who have been active in the world of modern psychiatry will tell me you see that as an indication of childhood sexual abuse. Well, yeah, big deal. Truthfully, I've been dissected by the head crackers and nobody's really sure if anything happened to me or not! Long sad story for another day - but suffice to say, I have a fairly good sense that NOTHING happened to me sexually as a child that I simply didn't do to myself! There were enemas from my mother. And I acknowledge that, and know that my fascination with them comes from that. And that a lot of the medical fetish stuff comes from repeated visits to the Doctor as a young child, and that somehow, the terrible anxiety and fear of those visits for shots ended up being erotic.
I spend years and years seeking to be rid of all these inappropriate feelings and responses. Thousands of dollars. Hours, days, weeks, years of self inflicted anxiety and judgement that I was not "normal." Feeling like I would never be loved or wanted because of it.
Then recently, I had a breakdown. I landed my ass in a psych ward for a week, and very QUICKLY found out there isn't a damned thing wrong with me. It's a huge reality check - and I highly recommend that if you're taking yourself and your foibles too seriously, that you go check yourself in for a week, it's JUST the kick in the ass you need to straighten yourself out.
Anyway, I digress. The week on the ward led to marital counseling, which led to a separation which led to a divorce and finally to some peace in this life. And on the other side of all that, I discovered it was time to stop pushing all these things away that made me "me". I looked around and saw that nobody was "normal". And that the most successful of these were the ones who embraced that they were abnormal. And made those negatives into positives. I stopped fighting the impulses, stopped listening to the shrinks, started believing in my gut feelings and good sense. Started believing I would not hurt myself or self-destruct. Start believing I deserved some happiness and damn the consequences. Somehow, accepting the failings gives you strength.
And I guess that's where this is going. I've been controlled by so many things and people in this world. Why not CHOOSE to be controlled by one person who I trust, implicitly, and confine it to that one relationship, one place. And stop playing it out everywhere else. And learn what brings me joy. Learn how my body responds to the most intense stimulation - and how only that intensity brings me to the peak and beyond.
Yes, I'm afraid. I don't want to wake up in five years in an abusive dangerous relationship, and be so emotionally scarred that I can't get myself out. For the first time, I think I have enough common sense not to let that happen. And people will think it's crazy. But I'll learn not to put it out there for the approval of one and all.
8/25/2005 2:13 pm
A very inspiring story of self-realization. . .|
Coming to terms with your own "abnormalities" is definitely the key to taking control of your life--and it sounds like you have finally arrived at that piece of mind that will allow you success in the next big phase of your life.
Now, finding the right partner to help you realize some of the darker fantasies you have may be a challenge for a while, but that will come in due time, I'm sure. Success is one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. So is failure. So is happiness. A "wanna be" sub or not, it sounds like you are headed for the top. I think you'll like the view from there. . .