final blog of him  

blogginOnly 58F
80 posts
3/27/2006 6:53 am

Last Read:
4/21/2006 2:57 am

final blog of him


I joined this site a little over two years ago. Met a few men for lunch, but no chemistry. Started chatting with a man who sent me a message here. We chatted for three to four hours every morning thru the week. We got to know each other inside out. After three months we met. We continued to chat and meet on occasion at the park or the lake. We grew to love each other deeply. It was a roller coaster ride. We became too involved in our love. Planned a future together. Planned a marriage, finances, the wedding and all. It seemed like I would get upset and call things off(because of him stalling), only for him to pull me back in. It was hard to let go. This was all new to me. I had never stepped out before after over twenty years of marriage. In all honesty, we never made love. We came close, but wanted to save it for our special day. He is very romantic. I felt blessed to have met someone that cared and loved me so much. Someone who didnt think of just getting in my pants. Someone who showed me so much of the little things I needed most in my life like the walks in the park, holding hands, going to the lake, those moments of laughing, teasing, loving.....what more could I ask for. He was everything I was looking and hoping for. His wife was ready to retire and was going to leave him. So we waited till then. The time came. He couldnt leave her. I told him the song that best described him was by Earl Thomas Conley.......holding her and loving you. I (yes, me) couldnt take it any more. I never went into this to break a marriage up, nor he. We just fell in love and got carried away planning a future together. I came on this site because I had wants and needs that werent being met, and after a year with him, he gave me so much more.....but after a year on the roller coaster ride, it was time to get off. So I broke it off with him when our world crumbled , and I was on the rebound. I met some man and just jumped right in. Needless to say it hurt the love of my life very much. For we had plans for that special night (but it was not going to happen). I was very hurt by him, and now I hurt him worse. The rebound man was just that, it ended as quick as it started. I dont know why I did that, but I did. Was there guilt? Yes, and I live with that every day. I have not seen my love for over a year. He wanted to meet and continue, but I couldnt, how could I? Could I just switch from almost marrying him to just go back and meet him on occasion? No, I could not. I guess there was no closure in this. I broke it off so fast after a year, that I still wonder if I did the right thing. Oh how I miss him so, and have cried many tears for this man. I look back and ask myself, did I see it coming? No. I was blind to it all. I ask myself, was he playing games? Yes, I believe he was from the start (though it hurts to think that). He chatted and knew what I was looking for, it wasnt a hayride, I wanted someone to repect me and treat me like the lady I am. He played on that. He knew just what to do and say. I think because he was retired he got bored and I dont think I was the only one he had either. There were plenty of times he had to schedule me in, make plans around my schedule. Plenty of trips he was taking alone (he said his wife was working and didnt like taking trips much). He told me his name was Dale, only to find out it was David. He lied about his location, b-day, my world crumbled that day. I was in love with Dale, I didnt know this David. I guess when you are married (so he says) and need to be discreet then you lie about your profile. Well, I had told the truth on mine, lol. Guess you learn something new every day on this site. So anyway, after a year of deleting my email, only to make a new one up and send him a message, just to know how he was doing, I guess I wasnt ready to let him go. We had went a long time without any contact because I deleted everything. It didnt help get him off my mind or outta my heart. I thought, if I could just see him one last time, touch his face one last time. I had moved on and met another man which was only for a very , very short time. There is no man like David. No man who could hold a candle to him. My heart and soul is not in this anymore. I have loved and lost. My hopes and dreams were shattered. He sent me email saying he had "some" of the same feelings. He doesnt want to cause that pain to me again. He didnt know what I was trying to say to him (funny how he could read my mind so well before), but he would be there for me if I needed to touch his face or be held again (go figure). When I broke it off a year ago, he had knocked me to the ground. I cried every day, I stayed in the bed, I didnt exist to my husband and kids anymore. My husband knew something was wrong, but didnt ask. I finally had to pick myself up, which wasnt easy. The only other time I was ever in my life knocked to the ground was when my mother passed away. I was devastated. He did that to me. I have mourned the loss of him for a year now. It is time to let him go. When he wrote me back, I knew he had moved on. He didnt love me anymore. I wanted him to say he loved me and wanted me, just anything to let me know I still meant the world to him, that he was lost without me, he thought of me everyday, just say something!! But it was more a friend speaking to me. I think he is a man that was looking for a companion only, just someone to talk to. I know the pain I suffered, but it is best to have loved then never to have loved before. That kind of pain I dont need. The pain is still fresh after a year, like it just happened. How could you love someone so deeply and think that they loved you the same, only to find out different? How could I have been such a fool?
This is my final blog of him. As bad as I hate to and as hard as it is, I have to let him go. The memories will always be there and I will cherish every moment I had with him. I will always wonder how it would have been!

Note: each time we met, he would bring me flowers, a card, and a small box of chocolates. As he said to me: Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get!!!

For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace now. Just knowing he is ok and doing well is enough for me. I only wish him the best in life, always. I can now move forward and not look back. I will walk down that path alone. Maybe I will come to a fork in the road, I hope I take the right turn. Life is too short to live in pain.

I look back and think he was brought into my life for a reason. I think it was to let me know I am special, and to let me see the difference in what is reality and what is dreams. I now know. I have not given up on my hopes and dreams, just tucked them away for the time being.

Thank you all for reading this post. For you ladies, guard your heart. For you men, dont break any hearts.

Just to let you all know, if we would have stuck to the agreement of only being friends and maybe one with benefits, I could have lived with that. But when you talk marriage and plan it, thats something I cant get past. I cant go from planning a wedding to just being friends with benefits. Friends are good to have, but I have to totally let him go. He has done a big enough number on me and I cant go back. If I was to meet him one last time and touch his face, my heart and soul would be his again. I cant be knocked down again.

Seriously_Real 48M

3/27/2006 7:37 am

I am a man. I've been exactly where you are. Recently. And then I realized I made her out to be more than she was, more than the reality of our lives could bear. She did not lie to me like David did to you, but she looked into the face of the Abyss and flinched. I jumped. I have never known pain like that, and never care to know it again.

But you know what? I survived. Scarred, battered, in mortal pain at times, but I survived. I climbed out of the Abyss with help of my friends.

Once I got out, I saw things clearly. I saw myself. And I saw a new path. I am now on that path, and I now have someone real with me on it. There is life after. There is.

I once wrote on another blog at the time that "Loving like this is the best thing and the worst thing in the world." It is cruel to see heaven and then return to earth. But at least you know you are not dead.

Hang in there, honey. It will be okay. In time, with time, with perspective. Keep walking.

--Seriously


blogginOnly 58F

3/27/2006 9:17 am

Seriously, glad you are on the right path hon. Its nice to know men have feelings too. Its hard for me to believe that, but some do. I will keep walking, and will stop to smell the flowers along the way!!


runzwithknives 59F

3/27/2006 9:43 am

I'm glad to see you are getting some closure on this one. Yes, move forward, let it go.
My heart is always unguarded. And I live with stitching it up all the time. What we live, we also learn. Wouldn't trade it for anything else.

Hugs
Rosa


ella1966 50F
1528 posts
3/28/2006 3:22 am

Dear blogginOnly

I don't know if you are at peace. Your heart could still heart for the future, the hope that was denied you. My therapist said today that you have finally accepted it when you don't think of this person, or when thinking of them doesn't stir up any strong or negative emotion, except perhaps a bit of regret. I don't know what is in your heart now, but I know what was in your heart, and how you still may be feeling, but may be in denial of. At least you had some communication, I will never have any from mine, he is but a ghost on this site, a shadow of the past who is in the light of new found happiness. Because of what I did to him, he does not care about me, and that is painful, he feels indifference or fear that I may once again scare him.

I guess the question remains, do you think you could have borne the hurt of leaving your husband for him if it did work out?

This is a pain that will never cease, a grief that knows no end.

I feel for you, very deeply.

Hugs
ella X


ella1966 50F
1528 posts
3/29/2006 4:23 am

blogginOnly I hope you are O.K.? I had this dreadful feeling I may have upset you and dredged up old feelings, because when I checked earlier your profile was off. I am sorry if I have done this, I meant no harm, I just understand you so well.

Lots of lugs

ella X


ella1966 50F
1528 posts
3/29/2006 4:24 am

blogginOnly I hope you are O.K.? I had this dreadful feeling I may have upset you and dredged up old feelings which you care to forget or have dealt with, because when I checked earlier your profile was off. I am sorry if I have done this, I meant no harm, I just understand you so well.

Lots of lugs

ella X


blogginOnly 58F

3/29/2006 5:22 am

ella, I am beginning to think we are soul sisters!! You seem to know exactly what I am going thru. Seems we have been thru the same thing (hope it wasnt the same man, lol). I can say I dont regret meeting and loving this man. He will be in my heart forever.I dont know what happened in your relationship, but I did not scare him. I think it was the thought of family that scared him. Am I in denial? Maybe. Am I going to wait for him? No. Am I going to move on? Yes, in time. I can say I dont cry anymore, does that count? I hope he is happy with his life and only wish the best for him. I just hate it that I wasnt good enough for him. I will try not to wear my heart on my sleeve and will guard my heart from now on. I am not one who wants to stitch myself up all the time. Once is enough for me, lol. The pain just let me know I am alive, I just dont need that kind of pain anymore. Thanks for being my friend. Muuuaaahhhhhhh


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