Can Ex's Really Ever Be Friends?  

blastngoff 52M
55 posts
8/6/2006 3:14 pm

Last Read:
8/13/2006 2:01 pm

Can Ex's Really Ever Be Friends?

I was recently on vacation and had some time to think about crap in general. One of the things that I thought about was something that happened to me about three weeks ago and still bothers me. I received an e-mail from an ex of mine wanting some information. At first I was inclined to not reply since we had not had any communication between us in five years. I was also under the assumption that that is why they are ex' in exit the heck out of my life. Don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer that if there are children involved that you have to make every effort to at least be cordial to one another and do not get them in the middle of any kind of "war" that may be ongoing or past. Kids should always be the priority and I guess that I have seen my share of those that were pawns or got caught in the middle of the "War of the Roses" and ended up suffering greatly for it. Given that we had no children, I had to decide if I wanted to say hello to someone after five years...someone who had caused me great pain during the almost 18 blissful months that we shared together, minus the countless nights and days that she never bothered to come home. So I decided to reply and at least give her the information that she wanted and hoped that that would be the end of it. After all, five years is a bit of time for healing, life goes on, and you can't live in hate forever. Well, that turned out not to be the end of it since I had to get a reply back telling me all about her life and what she was up to there days (as if I gave a damn), but she was always narcissistic, so I shouldn't have been surprised that I would have to read about her and how great she was. Oh yeah, I was supposed to forgive and forget. This followed with another 2 e-mails and a phone call at she got my numbers I am not sure, but not what I would call a pleasant surprise. The phone call was the real shock in that I had to hear that voice again and I was at such a loss of words that I just couldn't say anything besides mumble some barely coherent yes or no. I guess that all of this was some attempt at settling her mind, to come to some kind of closure, a lame way of saying "I'm sorry". Thank God the communication finally ended. I always kept my replies short, polite, and to the point as an attempt not to generate anything further. In the end, none of this changed my opinion as to whether ex's (wives or lovers) can truly be you friends. Knowing her, she probably just did it to screw with my mind one more time...I had the experience a couple of times where someone that I had dated, well, slept with..decided that later she would come back into my life and that we would somehow become pals. I actually did let one of them drop by the house, we had supper and a few drinks, but it was all very awkward. The whole time I was thinking of our times in bed and not really focused upon her conversation. Maybe I'm a male pig, but I kept thinking that I really didn't want to be your "buddy" unless that meant some kind of "fuck buddy." Needless to say none of those former lovers were ever allowed back into my life. Maybe it was my loss, but I was never comfortable at being uncomfortable. Part of me leans towards the "if we were really meant to be friends, we wouldn't be ex's." I think that there is a scene in "When Harry Meets Sally", were they are having a conversation about how women can never really be a man's close friend, because guys being guys..are always thinking about the woman in bed and fantasizing about how it would be. Now I am not to that extreme, but I will have to admit that it has happened on occasion...where the gal "my new buddy" would be speaking and my mind was totally somewhere else and yes, in the gutter. I can remember twice where they decided on sleepovers and of course deicded that their PJs would consist of some almost too revealing shorts. I thought that I would crawl out of my skin when one them liked to spend a little too much time leaning or bending forward to find CDs in the entertainment center to listen to. Damn testosterone...Yeah, I have thought that maybe I was being a complete idiot and they were giving me some kind of signal, but being a gentlemen I never said or did anything suggestive. God, I hope that they didn't think that I wasn't interested in women. But women probably also experience the same feelings, I am sure that it isn't a gender specific problem. So vacation did solve that ex's are ex's either legally or emotionally (or both), and should remain that way and also that women can be friends...but not without some wicked thoughts creeping in here and there..those I will have to try and suppress in the future. Naw.....

Darkstar20055 39M
13 posts
8/6/2006 3:53 pm

I think you got it all totally right there! Ex's are Ex's I dont think there is any way of getting past that and it is ture that men will always have the odd sexual thought (at best) about a femail friend. Spot on!

blastngoff replies on 8/6/2006 6:40 pm:
Yeah, I think that I have to agree with you that if they are a bit attractive or to you attractive, then you are bound to have some thoughts that may not always be pure. I have tried to think of them as sisters and that has worked, but then you are dealing with incestuous thoughts..hmmmm maybe that tact is not such a good one.

rm_LexGG 40M
2 posts
8/6/2006 4:01 pm

No they can't. Emotions get in the way AND often one party has unresolved issues.

blastngoff replies on 8/6/2006 6:42 pm:
I agree with that thought too, that they should remain ex's...and it usually seems that I am the one that can't get past the issues. sometimes the scars from being burned are a little too deep and it is better to stay away from the flame.

Panthiest 72M

8/6/2006 4:12 pm

Sounds like you have a lot of thoughts swirling around up there.
I have an ex- that I am friends with. I used to go up to her and her new husbnad's house for Thanksgiving - their kids treat me more as an Uncle than an ex. There are three factors for that situation. One; she is the mother of our son. Two; we never had great sex together, and at the end of our married relationship we didn't see each other in a sexual light at all- one of the reasons we split. But most importantly, all three of us, me, her and her new hubby, sat down and figured out how I could still be in my son's future. We were all coming out of the "Alternative Culture" as we called it. The media called us "hippies" But ALternative was more to the point because we were lookng for an alternative to the way this culture lives. Being friends was an alternative to the bitching and fighting that goes on between ex's which never accomplishes anything positive.

I have another ex who I haven't talked to in years and have no plans to talk with her. It was a situation where I got ripped off qand din't want to go the lawyer, courts route but tried talking directly with her instead. She never was able to discuss things and this was no different. It took me three or four years and three wonderful women to let the anger go from that one.

So the difference, to me, is the willingness and ability to communicate with the other. Now, it's the number one thing I look for in a relationship.

As for the negative feelings - it doens't matter if they're justified or not - they are worms eating your brain! Ha! They don't hurt anyone but you. I say work on ridding yourself of them.

blastngoff replies on 8/6/2006 6:46 pm:
It is great that you guys could form a relationship for your Son's sake, after all that is what is important and I am sure that he reaped the benefits of your efforts. I also got cleaned out from the last ex. Took everything while I was gone at work. I "fondly" refer to it as the "Grinch Who Stole Christmas" day. All that was left when I got home was that lone Christmas light...didn't even leave me a Who pudding. She was kind of from Whoville, but think that they call it Whoreville. But you are right, we must all clean out the closet as Emimem sings.

MsBehavinGal 49

8/6/2006 8:07 pm

My soon to be ex wants to be friends with me ... but a year ago August 3rd after 10 years together and 5 years of marriage he leaves me for his ex wife. The good thing about this??? He lives in another state. I don't see any reason to be friends with an ex it's too me just more headaches than I can handle. He is constantly calling and checking up on us and getting all the details in our lives through my daughter ... WHY??? He should not care what we do anymore he CHOSE to leave. Maybe if he didn't leave me for his ex wife I could probably think about being friends ... cause sometimes we do make mistakes and cheat on the ones we love. (makes me think that maybe he never really had feelings for me??) We haven't talked in 3 months and after alot of crying and feeling sorry for myself I am finally coming out of my shell and joining the real world again. But thats just my feelings and thoughts ... the saying "out of sight out of mind." seems appropriate... his loss not mine!!

blastngoff replies on 8/7/2006 1:48 am:
It sounds as if you are starting to rise out of the ashes that we call failed relationships. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and while those are just words, like most sayings they are just that. Like some things in life, only time can heal some wounds and even I would have to agree that sometimes time can seem to drag on forever. While you try to forgive and forget, you can really never forget and forgiveness is a gift that you may never be able to offer. So I try and put those negative thoughts way in the back of my mind and not dwell on them since for my own self preservation I must rise above it all for it is no longer about them but about what is best for me.

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