|Blogs > blackjack4742 > come down now, but I'll stay|
a long road ahead
a long road ahead
it's been a month now since my wife left. Her reasons still baffle me, but I leave those bullshit issues with her. She told me she misses me everyday, wonders what I'm doing everynight...and wants to be friends, eventually.
I can't do that. That would give her everything she wants, her old single life, and her soul mate/best friend. She doesn't want to lose that, but she already has.
She left me for that old single life, for profiles online, late nights, for excitement. She can have it, but not me also.
In six months, a year, however long...I will not be the one with regrets. I loved her as best I could, fully. We were, and are, totally in love. She threw it away for an old life she never fully let go of, and because of her fear of love. How much I mean to her, how much she loves me, scares the shit out of her. Her meaningless hook-ups of the past are much easier.
Moving on after such an incredible connection is just fucking...bleak.
On top of all this, I have job and family drama to deal with. I could use my soul mate now. But she's gone.
And now I'm here, writing this, on a personals site. No one will ever read this. But it's out. Out of me.
I miss everything about her...that kills me. She was so cruel, so uncaring at the end. I miss her being there at night, next to me. I miss holding her. I miss calling her at work. I miss her voice, I miss her nicknames for me...her face, her smile, her hands...on me, on my face. Her breath, her pouts, her energy.
I don't miss her neediness, her controlling, manipulative nature, and her bi-polar love.
Only time can help me. One day I will have someone new. One day I will put her to rest.
not tonight, hundreds of miles from home, struggling to keep afloat, confident, and to rebuild.
5/23/2005 10:08 pm
People will read this... and people will reach out to tell you that they care, and that it will get better with time, and that as trite and cliche as it sounds, this just means there is something special on the horizon for you.|
So here goes. I care. It will get better with time. As trite and cliche as it sounds, this just means there is something special on the horizon for you. And if you ever need a friend... not an "adult friend" but just someone to talk to... I'm only as far as your keyboard.
5/24/2005 3:38 am
People will read it and even if they didn't, sometimes you really need to clear it off your chest. Welcome to blog and hope to see you smiling soon. (stop by in the chatroom under the group created for bloggers)|
5/27/2005 11:25 pm
I have just served my wife with her second set of divorce papers after 15 years of marriage. We have three great kids together. She is bi-polar. She is rapid cycleing, her moods and behaviors are very irrational and often self defeating. While she is bouncing from one cycle to another she is abusive towards the children and me. |
She has a degree in medicine, she knows the side effects of the bi-polar meds, and what it means to be diagnosed with being bi-polar. To avoid the meds and the label of "bi-polar" she refuses help in any form.
I can no longer deal with the screaming and yelling, suidial threats/attempts. Laying in bed for days at a time crying to no end. To bounce to verbal attacking me and our children for days at a time over trivial things that aren't worth the time to give a second thought to.
I understand your position. When my wife is in a level mood and is "nomal" she is a great mother and person. We have a sexual relationship of about once or twice a month. I can live with that, the other I can no longer overlook. She is a great mother, when she is not going through her cycles.
As she is getting older she is cycling faster and to more extreme outburst. I have tried to get her help, she completely refuses. She is starting to realize that she has wasted the past 15 years of her life on silly stuff instead of passing her medical boards and making something out of herself. She refuses to take any blame for any of her actions, to do so would mean she has to admit her mistakes. This is not a typical bi-polar strong point.
I am with you my friend, It is a good thing you are out before you tie as much of your life up with her as I did with mine.
The pain will level out, there is someone out there.
I too must go on with my life once I have completed my task at hand. I will be a better person for it, and hopefully I can help my kids to see that this was in no way their fault. I don't blame her completely, she does have some responsibility in her actions. However, she is not in a state that forces her to do something, yet. The time is coming. When it does I have a feeling she is going to be crushed when she realizes where she is, and where she could have been.