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Why Women Develop Strategies Around Sex
Why Women Develop Strategies Around Sex
When I notice a pattern of something happening repeatedly that makes me unhappy, I look for solutions, for a way to change how I’m approaching the situation (because I’ve learned it’s impossible to change the other person).
I am sad currently because I haven’t gotten my needs met for reassurance about a man’s feelings for me at a particularly challenging time. I feel really insecure at this point in my experiment with trying an open relationship. It’s scary. I’ve never had an open relationship before. I am afraid of loss. Frankly, I would rather not care than be so exposed and vulnerable. So, I’ve recognized a need for reassurance.
Communicating My Needs
I’m pretty straightforward about communicating my needs, and asking if a man is willing to meet those needs. I used to play Pouty Girl Games of being mad that he couldn’t figure it out. Now, I ask, and if he’s not willing to meet my needs, I know he’s not the right man for me. The right man cares for me and desires to meet my genuine needs. I believe this.
The thing is, I’ve run into this same conflict three times with three different men, so I’m beginning to despair of ever getting my needs met in relationships with men. Either I meet men who I jerk around (and then I don’t like myself for how I treat them) or I fall for men who hold me at arm’s length and then I feel hurt.
Is It Me?
I recognize that each times this happens, I’m the common denominator. So, I’m choosing badly or something. I don’t know exactly why the men, who seem to enjoy my company, resist my requests. Maybe they judge me as too “needy,” or they feel it curbs their freedom or my request that he speak of his attraction to me makes it seem forced or coerced. I honestly don’t know what’s going on in men’s heads, because they shut down and stop talking to me.
I only know where my mind goes:
“Well, I can fuck someone once, twice, maybe even three times without ‘falling in love’ or getting particularly emotionally involved. So, maybe I’ll develop a three-fuck rule. Or maybe I’ll experiment and maybe only fuck someone once a month and see if that avoids the emotional complications.”
But, I know in my heart that I desire intimacy with men, as well as sex. Then, I think, “Damn! I wish I were more sexually attracted to women,” as if that would be any easier. I already tried that, and it was no easier.
Thinking of Strategies
So, my next thought is maybe I need to go back to the old school rules of “No sex until the third date or until we’ve been dating for six months.” But, I recognize these for what they are. They are strategies by which women use sex to get their emotional needs met. And I don’t approve of trading sex for anything. Instead, I have chosen to give sex freely just because I felt like it. Now, the pendulum swings back the other way, and I declare, “No sex. No sex at all.”
Currently, I don’t believe I will get my emotional needs met with men, and even if I enjoy the sex, I don’t enjoy getting my feelings hurt. I’d rather just fuck myself and avoid potential heartbreak. Frankly, I’m pretty good at self-loving. I’ll miss the feeling of a body weight, of someone’s skin on mine, of shared laughter because sex is how adults play, but missing those things seems better than regularly getting my feelings hurt.
Another Brittle Bitch is Born
And another woman joins the ranks of the brittle bitches who sneer at men who try to ask them out. So this is where I am right this minute. My heart aches. I’m sure I’ll recover and try again, because I genuinely like men and want to keep my heart open. I don’t want to be brittle and bitter about men. But this an example of the thinking process by which women develop strategies around sex, because we have a hard time getting our emotional needs met in relationships with men.
And, I’m curious about whether you have any insight to offer about why men stop communicating or a more effective means of getting my needs met.
© 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe
Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!
8/9/2006 6:27 pm
OK dear, so you are attracted to those men that hold you at arm's length because you are not sure that you can have them. |
I am sure that you are aware of your own power and that there is no shortage of men that would shower you with gifts and whatever, those are probably not the ones you want. You want the ones you can't have and let the relationship go where it leads...probably realizing that it won't go much farther than really good sex.
As for why men won't take the time to satisfy you, I am not sure. I would just be careful not to get too mechanical with sex. Start slow, end fast...maybe that is just me!
"I’ll miss the feeling of a body weight, of someone’s skin on mine, of shared laughter because sex is how adults play, but missing those things seems better than regularly getting my feelings hurt".
This is one I will have to carefully weigh. I thought that I could interact without deep affection, but god, the sex and companionship was so much better! I am in pain now. I am not even motivated to meet another woman for the time being, but I have to tell you poly, I will take the affection then the pain with the breaks in between.
Even we we can consider sex the best, free entertainment in our lives, there is an emotional cost. The key is to think through each step very, very carefully.
8/9/2006 7:02 pm
No strategies here but you might want to take a look at Louann Brizendine, a UCSF neuropsychiatrist, who has a book out, "The Female Brain". It purports to explain alot about the male/female differences.|
PS At least it's something to do while your sub-conscious works on a plan!
8/9/2006 7:15 pm
Everyone is looking for love...even the men...whether they admit it or not. It doesn't sound to me like sex is the problem...it is love. Do you think withholding sex makes one love you? I don't think so. You just have not met the right man....but I bet he shows up when you least expect it. Good luck to you~|
8/9/2006 7:33 pm
For me, this may be the most important post in your blog!|
"But, I know in my heart that I desire intimacy with men, as well as sex." AND "My heart aches. I’m sure I’ll recover and try again, because I genuinely like men and want to keep my heart open."
I love these lines and believe they are the most telling.
I don't know what the answer is, but I am walking the same journey! I love men! But, I'm not sure they want to be loved. It probably has something to do with their man rules! Maybe you could ask.
I think the problem my lie in our and their ability to receive love. It is just a theory I'm working on right now. The trick would be to find a man at the same point in the discovery process as yourself, and.. that is hard! Not impossible, but hard.
8/9/2006 8:43 pm
Love and sex there not the same thing but we often confuse them as one thing(there best when thay are fused). if your looking for sex i think you can find all you want here(at AdultFriendFinder) every day but love is hard to find,it changes as we grow and find our self wiser and more interspective and to find someone who is growing at the same speed and in the same direction as you are with the same starting point ,now thats very rare,and as we age and expereance life it gets even harder( it was easy in school when we all had much the same past and present)..love is as much about a shared future as a shared present,we are all on a long strange trip,we may have many who share the trip with us but only a fue who will share it all with us.|
8/9/2006 9:39 pm
I've always thought it is difficult to have a true loving relationship and still have an open relationship...both partners have to want it...and it needs to be equal. It's really difficult to juggle all of the feelings and I feel for you. Perhaps the man you are involved with is not ready for true emotional intimacy...and without that, there can't be love.|
8/10/2006 5:38 am
First, my own tender heart goes out to you... a broken heart is a fragile thing. I went through the "I hate the opposite sex" feeling the last time my heart got broken - really broken.|
Now, I do have a question - are you sending mixed signals? You have written in your blogs that you have been keeping him at arm's length to protect your heart. So, the question goes like this: if you are keeping men at arm's length, how will you get your emotional needs met at that distance? How will he get his emotional needs met?
I agree with what jim40plus said that you may be intimidating to some men - maybe not as much so at first - but there is the possibility that some men may 'put up with' the intimidation until they have gone as deep with you (pardon the pun) as they wish. If true, there was probably one incident in particular that turned your pretty head with a "where the fuck did that come from?". And it went down hill from there...
Right now is probably not the time to make decisions about us. Grieve... allow your heart to ache... maybe engage in grudge sex - maybe not... but don't keep us out too long... you are too extraordinary a woman and there are not many like you...
Some of us men are picky and are looking for a woman like you...
8/10/2006 7:51 am
This is not always the case, but a lot of guys I know, myself included, are fairly laid back individuals. We don't really obsess too much over relationships. I had this one girlfriend, many years ago, who gradually became obsessive and insecure about our relationship. It created an unappealing environment for me, and it drove me to stop communicating because the more she obsessed, the further away it drove me. Then, when I met my wife, we were together for a couple of years before I realized that she was never going to be an obsessive individual. It's not within her nature. Mine either. This created the environment and foundation I wanted. I guess I'm pretty fortunate. After the failed relationship with the first girlfriend, I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking for, but I certainly knew what I didn't want in a relationship. Not sure if this helps or not. Good post!|
8/10/2006 12:55 pm
I add my love to your sorrow in hopes it will ease for just a fleeting moment the ache.... As you read and feel this know that all of us dedicated readers are thinking of you with fondness always.|
As for communication techniques...One that worked until we stopped using it is to write it down. This worked particularly well for us since I have a belief that communication is "you talk...I talk...we wander all over topics and eventually get it said" where his was "i have thought about this and wish to tell it to you so be quiet" This was especially hard when I believed he had reached his conclusion based upon an erroneous assumption. It went downhill from there..
Back in the good days.... He wrote me a letter to tell me what was on his mind and I did the same... Then we did not talk about them for at least 2 days so we would have time to review... re read and determine our reaction.. If we tried to talk and it broke down.. we immediately stopped talking and started writing again.
It's not perfect but until we quit doing it... I was happily married for over 10 yrs... The last three years were just us trying to communicate and failing...not taking the time to find another method.. feeling as if all that time invested meant that we could communicate easily despite the fact that we were and always had been complete opposites.
Don't know if it will help... but it worked when we used it.
Good Luck, Lots of love and above all many orgasm wishes are heading your way.
8/10/2006 8:19 pm
Now, I ask, and if he’s not willing to meet my needs, I know he’s not the right man for me.|
Bingo. I agree 100%. If it's there on both sides, both WILL go the distance.
“Well, I can fuck someone once, twice, maybe even three times without ‘falling in love’ or getting particularly emotionally involved.
Do you honestly believe that? (wahine pushes the Goofy Shit Women Tell Ourselves Buzzer)
Here are some truths I've found in the past year or so. I absolutely am not saying they are necessarily true for anyone else.
1. Sexual does not equal physical. For me, a sexual relationship, regardless of what I tell myself, is physical, emotional, mental and (cause I'm strange) spiritual as well. It is simply not possible for me to completely let go and have a sexual relationship without becoming involved on those other levels. This leaves me with some weird assed options: A. try to close off the parts that aren't connecting and go there when I run across someone who I connect with on at least one of them, or B. Go for infinitely long periods of time without fooling around until I find the rare individual where I DO connect on all four levels, and deal with the fact that I'll probably end up head over heels for the person, whether or not he does, or C. yet to be determined option.
So here I am...52 years old...not hung up about "sex" at all, in the traditional sense. Not At All.
The idea of uniting with someone sexually has, ironically, become alarmingly close to what our moms tried to tell us decades ago (don't you hate it when that happens, lol). The difference is -
It's not the physical part that I am protecting. It's the heart and the soul. Cause now I know that whomever gets access to they physical, gets access to those as well.
Kinda changed the whole playing field for me, when I figured out THAT one.
Best of luck in your journeys. I just wrote this on someone else's blog - life is wonderful but sometimes it sucks. So be it, yeah?
Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]
8/13/2006 4:54 pm
I think the root of the problem is not that these men ultimately can't meet your emotional needs but the "idea of Polyamorous relationship". Not to say that such relationship is wrong, bad, or unideal but the theory of it only works in an abstract world where there is an absolute absence of jealousy much like Marxism being creditable economical system --thus only serves as a theory. |
Please, understand, I am not judging your life style (what makes one happy is of only their concern--otherwise I would not be posting on this site) nor am I trying to say that your request for your male partners to meet your emotional needs are unfair or over the top. But the idea of a person being there to meet all your emotional need requires complete devotion and dedication (will you agree with me that much?). If you agree to that then how can one provide utmost dedication to meet your needs when there are other multiple partners of his to take into consideration? As they too are expecting the same out of him as you are. As basic law of economics will tell us-- given fixed amount of a resource, with multiple users of that resource, one user's consumption must equate to one user's sacrifice of the same resource. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that in order for your man to meet your needs, whatever that may be, he must be there for you 100% mentally and emotionally, however, this would be impossible as devotion and dedication to you must mean sacrifice of his devotion/dedication to his other partners.
This is just a thought.
8/23/2006 10:54 pm
I commend to you this bit of wisdom from Dave Barry:|
Sorry, I think that newtoFL80's arguments against poly and those I've seen others post on your blog (can't remember who said approximately "it's an excuse for avoiding intimacy") are irrelevant. First, I think you've been doing a form of open relationship that's closer to swinging than poly: you've had a single relationship to which you've primarily looked for emotional intimacy, with other sexual relationships just for play. That's great. "Polyamory" has the implication of multiple committed relationships or multiple emotionally involved relationships.
By contrast, there's a very strong bias toward maintaining and supporting couples in long-term relationships in the swinger community, and *not* falling in love with other partners. The stereotypical swinger is monogamy plus NSA sex. Or there's people like my wife and I whose other relationships were mostly with long-term friends. There are lots of ways to be non-monogamous.
By newtoFL80's argument about "utmost dedication", maybe you shouldn't kiss or hug anybody else. Or maybe you shouldn't have any other friends. I don't think the success of a non-monogamous relationship should be judged by the complete absence of jealous feelings any more than the success of a marriage should be so judged.
Such an argument about non-monogamy has to address why sex is different from other aspects of the multiple relationships that virtually everyone agrees it's normal to have (a man who insists you have no other friends is generally regarded as dangerous), and it has to address the kind of sex that you're having -- you weren't "emotionally involved" with multiple people.
I think there are arguments to be made about time, and even arguments to be made about the difficulties of starting multiple romantic relationships at the same time, or about the circumstances in which it's possible to sustain ongoing multiple romantic relationships. But none of those seem to be the issue in your case. (Not that being non-monogamous makes things simpler: I think it makes things harder. But I don't think it's the root of your problem).
What I hear is that you're not getting your needs met. That perhaps you're pushing for more intimacy or more expressions of intimacy than your partner is comfortable with... yet. Maybe you seek out people with less need for intimacy or its expression than you. Maybe your insecurities lead you to push until it's too much because the whole point is that you're testing to see whether he's sincere and the only way to find out is to push until he fails by backing off.
Of course the likelihood of any idea I might have is very low -- I like you but I hardly know you.