What is Poly or Polyamory?  

bipolybabe 55F
10715 posts
5/29/2006 6:23 pm

Last Read:
3/6/2009 10:46 pm

What is Poly or Polyamory?

For me, being poly is a conscious rejection of the relationship definitions I've known to date: monogamy, marriage, cheating combined with serial monogamy.

I see polyamory as different from swinging, or what I know of the swing lifestyle, because I want more than just a good time with multiple partners I may just meet once at a sex party or a swap.

Instead, I'm experimenting with polyamorous relationships in my life. By that, I mean that I intend to have emotional connections with more than one lover and to practice radical honesty about my actions.

There are actually people who are practicing non-monogamy in different forms:

* Trigonomy (monogamous threesome)
* 50-Mile Rule (out of town sex only)
* Fluid-bonded sex "pod" (group of people who agree to have sex barrier-free with one another and to use barriers with others)

A couple resources to learn more:

* "The New Monogamy" in New York magazine November 2005 (it's online)
* "The Ethical Slut" (book)
* "The New Polyamory" (book)

I'm curious about what your experience has been with trying non-monogamy or swinging. How's it working for you?


(c) 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe


BPB

Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!



Iwakura16Eyes 37F

5/29/2006 7:45 pm

although I consider myself polyamorous, I have yet to actually succeed at the true LIVING of it. Guys make it kinda hard. I have no idea what women think about it--I have yet to have any luck with that aspect of things. I, too, look for the emotional connection--not like a relationship-al kind of emotional connection, but a connection of some level of caring. All I have ended up with are lots of one-night-stands--although there were no strings attached, it would have been nice to feel wanted again (--god knows I enjoyed the experiences.)

I am still relatively inexperienced and can prolly hardly put myself in the same category, but I know what my feelings are. I have yet to have anything with a woman (--tho I am wishing) and I am a bit passive about couples. I have to reach a certain individual level of self-appreciation before I can get to that. (at least I can admit that) something will give and things will fall into some sort of arranged placement, I hope. I keep pulling at the strings... I'm persistant. plz keep us posted on yer experiences... at this point, you are like a "mentor-from-afar" for me


bipolybabe replies on 5/30/2006 4:51 pm:
THank you. That's very sweet to be able to be a mentor-from-afar!

rm_FreeDave2000 60M

5/29/2006 8:03 pm

The hardiest thing to take about swinging and multi-partner relationships and the whole varied gambit it entails is the way people who aren't involved react. Even people who have miserable relationships will tell you why open and honest, multi-partner relationships don't work. I sadly don't know what works. All I know is that the dinosaurs became extinct because they couldn't adept.


jd29992z 54M
3888 posts
5/29/2006 9:31 pm

Wow that is interesting God I love the blog you meet some cool people here I will have to check up here and find out what happens. Love to try it haven't done it I think the hard part is finding the people around your area to do it hmmmm oh well later JD


rm_FreeLove999 46F
16127 posts
5/30/2006 1:35 am

i haven't read any of the books on the subject cos they are not freely available in SA and ordering off the internet leads to massive import duties. however, my experience of polyamorous relationships is that it is hard to achieve ... and not for the usually cited reasons of jealousy, but because i find that i do tend to prefer one partner over another at any one point ... to find the sex more satisfying with that one partner at any one time ... i also haven't (suprisingly) found many men who are open to what you are describing, i.e. an emotional attachment, not just fucking.



[blog freelove999]


bipolybabe replies on 5/30/2006 7:24 am:
Honestly, I've only found one partner to date (in six months of fucking around) who is interested in the idea of emotional connection with me without monogamy. Others are interested, as you say, in fucking from time to time but without any trappings of a "relationship."

And I believe you can get the New York magazine article, "The New Monogamy" online for free. It's pretty interesting.

rm_janeraped 41F
3772 posts
5/30/2006 10:19 am

Just surfed onto your blog from someone else's blog. Can't remember which. Great, great blog and I will probably spending the next few days reading it all!


bipolybabe replies on 5/30/2006 11:03 am:
Thank you very much! Glad you found your way here.

rm_shannee2006 52F
3355 posts
5/30/2006 2:20 pm

I've been practicing polyamory with my husband for about two years. The last six months has been the busiest for me sexually as I've been looking for long term lovers in earnest. The longest I've had a lover is two months so far. I have a couple nice prospects in my life for something deeper, but only time will tell. My marriage is going very well so far. We've not had any truly difficult tests, but I'm sure we will get through them. I am truly interested in creating a family of lovers...and even sharing land with one or more. I don't know if I'll achieve that, but I'm interested in it and will be pleased if it manifests.

Yup...this juiciness is from me....

S


bipolybabe replies on 5/30/2006 4:49 pm:
Sounds idyllic!

ProtonicMan 48M

5/31/2006 4:11 pm

I'm still trying to figure out what works for me. Traditional marriage failed me, twice. In all honesty, I failed at marriage because I wasn't honest with myself about what I really wanted.

I'm curious about the polyamorous arrangements, but I think it could be tough to find like-minded people in my area. It's too early to tell, though.

I know that my daughter's mother would have a cow if I started introducing her to several different "lovers."

TJ


bipolybabe replies on 6/1/2006 6:54 am:
Yes, my ex-husband's reaction has always been one of my primary concerns. I've decided NOT to introduce my kids to any lover until I'm sure he or she is going to be around more than a short while.

I also spoke to my ex honestly, explaining that I'm on a journey of sexual self discovery and that I'm writing about it in a way that's semi-public (here), because I wanted him to hear about it from me before anyone else.

Then, I have to let go of trying to control the result.

BiPolyBabe

earthShiva 59M

6/1/2006 10:55 am

I think the challenge of polyamory is developing real intimacy underneath the pleasure. Getting truly close to other people, where we are in touch with the person rather than watching an interplay of our respective defense structures, is something many of us never achieve with ourselves or one other peson, let alone simultaneously with several.

IMHO, a poly relationship has to account for the feelings of everyone involved. In order to succeed at this, people need to truly know themselves extremely well and be committed to being at their best without being either controlling or selfless.

Even under the best of circumstances, I think poly relationships are difficult to sustain. If there are, say, 50 emotional physical or spiritual factors that people need to settle in themselves before they can achieve intimacy with another person, then that means there are 2500 energetic vectors between two people, 125000 between 3 people, and 6,250,000. If we assume that any one of these conflicts can potentially tank the relationship, the probability of sustaining the relationship get lower as the number of people goes up.

Most of the literature I've read on polyamory seems to reference this problem indirectly in that there is a high preoccupation with structure, rules, hierarchy and protocols. I think this all misses the point that people need to be at their best and genuinely involved in the well-being of everyone in the relationship for it to live up to the ideal. Those I've known who have tried Poly life have generally been trying to fulfill needs that aren't met in their primary relationship, and have ended up failing because they were not committed to bringing everyone to a higher level of love, intimacy and consciousness. Poly life is not an easy way to gain fulfillment. In order for it to succeed, I think it takes a shared vision, a commitment to make relationship itself a creative endeavor, and enough relationship confidence and craftsmanship that each of the persons knows within them that they are capable of and ready to dedicate themselves to turning their very lives into an artistic masterpiece.

Despite the low probability of long term success, I am drawn to the utopian beauty of the concept. D and I are considering these possibilities with out hearts and minds. Needless to say, a third of fourth person must show up. This far Spirit has provided for us beyond our wildest dreams, so we will try to be the bst we can for each other and have faith that Spirit will provide us the right resources at the right time.


earthShiva 59M

6/1/2006 10:59 am

I think the challenge of polyamory is developing real intimacy underneath the pleasure. Getting truly close to other people, where we are in touch with the person rather than watching an interplay of our respective defense structures, is something many of us never achieve with ourselves or one other person, let alone simultaneously with several.

IMHO, a poly relationship has to account for the feelings of everyone involved. In order to succeed at this, people need to truly know themselves extremely well and be committed to being at their best without being either controlling or selfless.

Even under the best of circumstances, I think poly relationships are difficult to sustain. If there are, say, 50 emotional physical or spiritual factors that people need to settle in themselves before they can achieve intimacy with another person, then that means there are 2500 energetic vectors between two people, 125000 between 3 people, and 6,250,000 among 4 persons. If we assume that any one of these conflicts can potentially tank the relationship, the probability of sustaining the relationship get lower as the number of people goes up. All too often, these factors, on which personal intimacy depend, get lumped into groups, submerged under rules, expectations, coalitions, etc..

Most of the literature I've read on polyamory seems to reference this problem indirectly in that there is a high preoccupation with structure, rules, hierarchy and protocols. I think this all misses the point that people need to be at their best and genuinely involved in the well-being of everyone in the relationship for it to live up to the ideal. Those I've known who have tried Poly life have generally been trying to fulfill needs that aren't met in their primary relationship, and have ended up failing because they were not committed to bringing everyone to a higher level of love, intimacy and consciousness. Poly life is not an easy way to gain fulfillment. In order for it to succeed, I think it takes a shared vision, a commitment to make relationship itself a creative endeavor, and enough relationship confidence and craftsmanship that each of the persons knows within them that they are capable of and ready to dedicate themselves to turning their very lives into an artistic masterpiece.

Despite the low probability of long term success, I am drawn to the utopian beauty of the concept. D and I are considering these possibilities with out hearts and minds. Needless to say, a third of fourth person must show up. This far Spirit has provided for us beyond our wildest dreams, so we will try to be the bst we can for each other and have faith that Spirit will provide us the right resources at the right time.


bipolybabe replies on 6/1/2006 12:05 pm:
Thanks for your thoughts on polyamory. I agree about what I see as the tendency to get caught up in hierarchies of primary lover, secondary, tertiary. That's one thing I'd like to avoid.

May the Goddess of Good Fucking provide for you exactly what your own Spirit needs!

BiPolyBabe

jst4fun915 34F

6/26/2006 9:09 am

I suppose we fall into the "open marriage" category, we don't swing in the sense that we never swap partners, it's too difficult to find a couple we both like. Still, I'm "dating" a few guys, (actually, I'm seriously considering cutting out all but one, because of time restraints), so it's not one-nighters. I see one partner every weekend, most of his friends don't realize I'm married, and think we're dating. It's a very strange life, I was discussing it with Jersey last night, and just realized how complicated it has gotten. (Of course, part of the complication is the military finding out.) If anything happened with my marriage (hubby and I are both once divorced, and SWORE we'd never go through another divorce), I'd likely choose a poly lifestyle, rather than ever marry again. Sorry for getting long-winded here, there are so many variations to sexual relationships!!


fantasia_shares 47M/43F
4164 posts
7/7/2006 12:48 pm

I have pretty much figured out that my nature is somewhat poly, in that I really like to have some kind of connection with my lovers and I wouldn't mind going off with them by myself, after having them get to know both of us. At the same time, I am also quite dedicated to my hubby and that relationship because my hubby really is my rock. We kinda broke from swinging for a bit, but I couldn't hack it anymore. I felt too straight. Anyway, we are still trying to sort out what exactly makes sense for us.

You might want to know who to watch out for around here: Are YOU a Dirty Bad Man or Woman? !

Please tell me the secrets of your sex appeal Primping!

And a MUST READ: [post 2294897]

Just shamelessly pimping my own damned blog!
{=}


VenusDiaries 62M
867 posts
7/14/2006 9:19 am

I AM CONTINUALLY SEARCHING FOR THE ANSWERS TO LEADING THIS TYPE OF LIFE. THANKS FOR POINTING ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.


VenusDiaries 62M
867 posts
7/15/2006 11:49 am

    Quoting ProtonicMan:
    I'm still trying to figure out what works for me. Traditional marriage failed me, twice. In all honesty, I failed at marriage because I wasn't honest with myself about what I really wanted.

    I'm curious about the polyamorous arrangements, but I think it could be tough to find like-minded people in my area. It's too early to tell, though.

    I know that my daughter's mother would have a cow if I started introducing her to several different "lovers."

    TJ
My children don't need to know about that revolving door on lovers ever. I never introduce them to my lover unless that said lover has been with me at least a year.


rm_luckyca13 46M
1 post
7/20/2006 1:55 pm

Hello
I love your blog, I have a question, I will work out of town on Monday- Fri until dec of this year. My wife has asked if she can have a sex only fuck buddie for that time when I am not in town. While It is a hot Idea I have some reservations. She says that she can have sex with no emotioal attachment. I am looking for a woman's perspective on this
Brad


big_brown_eyes4 45F  
154 posts
7/24/2006 5:17 am

    Quoting rm_luckyca13:
    Hello
    I love your blog, I have a question, I will work out of town on Monday- Fri until dec of this year. My wife has asked if she can have a sex only fuck buddie for that time when I am not in town. While It is a hot Idea I have some reservations. She says that she can have sex with no emotioal attachment. I am looking for a woman's perspective on this
    Brad
It's possible, but I think for a lot of people (not just women), the idea of


Naivee35 46F
2 posts
7/26/2006 1:56 pm

hi lucky - may be u restrict for your wife to have women only lovers - this may feel less threatening and even a turn on?

From a female perspective i had a number of 'fuck' buddies when i was in my 20's and yes some women can just have sex and move on - but i would suggest you need to look at your wife's personality traits ie her girl friends - can she take or leave them in a good way or is she clingy & needy?

Good luck in your journey.


rm_slippery243 56M
87 posts
7/30/2006 6:19 am

I met my first couple a few years ago. The idea of swinging always stirred up my sexual interests. Another words I had lots of fantasies about it. The evening went great. I enjoyed the couple and things progressed to dancing and erotic conversation until the sex started. I screwed up, i didn' even get a full erection. The evening was erased in my memory and I gave up swinging until about a month ago. Shit what the fuck else could happen? Sorry to be critical in such a fulfilling activity.


dudeabouttown13 62M

8/5/2006 2:19 pm

sex is just sex with out connection, while I want exciting sex a lot, it's the connection with the one I'am really missing, I had one threesome with my ex it was a surprize thing not expected to happen, and I couldn't believe how horney I got seeing her enjoying her sexuality, I've always been poly and tried to fit into the vanilla mold for too long.


rm_StripPokher 57M
387 posts
8/13/2006 1:59 pm

True words, earthshiva, let me elaborate upon the difficulties that you mention.

First, there are preferences: sensory/physiological, atmosphere/environment, physical limitations/differences, position/control/lead-follow/pace/motion/appliance/natural body-clock/endurance, philosophy of sex/please/take/manipulate/share.

Second, during sex: execution, timing, personality, feedback, motive, love.

Third, there is spirituality. Socrates said "Know thyself," 20 centuries later, Shakespeare advised, "To thine own self be true, for it must follow as dost the night the day, that canst not then be false to any man," and perhaps the guy who hit it dead square on the screws was Clint Eastwood’s immortal character “Dirty Harry” when he proclaimed, “A man’s gotta know his limitations.” With this in mind, reckon that life for us is a never-ending struggle between the known and unknown, the control, controller, and the uncontrollable. Between what we desire to control and what we fail to control. Left and right, up and down, yin and yang, inside and outside, before and after...etc. Ultimatelly, the fortunate among us seek and achieve balance...an unshakable balance, followed by understanding...a very deep-seated spiritual awakening. Yet another view: [post_319505].

Fouthly, comes the awareness that through your inaction, you can influence and control others inferentially, through your inaction [see Gandhi, Castaneda, et al].

Finally, comes the all consuming love and oneness with an equal, or dual. When a woman meets her dual, he almost unknowingly will raise her body temperature above 103 degrees F in the wintertime and keep it there for hours BEFORE he even mounts her, and thence keep her buzzing for at least three full days while he enjoys the union as well, sharing love and lust so deeply, so perfectly in unison without a thought of manipulation or control...that nothing else will ever compare. This is the absolute human limit of consciousness, endurance, pleasure, and the ability to embrace love. It beyond compare.

I speak from experience, not bravado.


rm_StripPokher 57M
387 posts
8/13/2006 10:08 pm

The post that I incorrectly linked to earlier, "Yet another view": Who Are We REALLY?


bipolybabe replies on 8/13/2006 10:28 pm:
Thank you for the link. I'd never seen it or considered our whole self in that way, as made up of various channels.

BBP

rm_B_O_H_I_C_A 53M
342 posts
8/21/2006 4:15 am

I've had one poly relationship; two friends (bi-females) who felt secure enough with me to move our friendship in that direction. We lived together for almost two years. It was an exclusive relationship and I miss them both dearly.

(...warmed by some good memories...)

Thank you for helping to cue those memories!


bipolybabe replies on 9/4/2006 2:30 pm:
Hey, a trogonomy! I've always wanted to know someone who had one.

Please let me know if you blog on what you learned.

BPB

BadAssBlonde1 57F
4989 posts
9/3/2006 8:54 pm

I am not a swinger. However I do own and operate a Poly House. This has been my entire adult life. Currently, I have four in service to me. Last Wednesday I released my slave of almost 28 years. It was time and in the best interest of my Leather Family.

Thus far, it has had it's challenges. The only thing I recommend for these types of relationships is open communication. Strong sense of being. My girls and guys do not necessarily dabble in sexual conduct with each other or with me for that matter.

I am the Head of House and can say that it has been hard/smart work. The rewards are tremendous. Thankful, I am. My slaves/submissive/servant are precious jewels in my life.

Thank you bipolybabe for this post. I know I made it over a little late, but nevertheless, made it. Have a good week and best of luck to you in search of your new found freedom.

Kind Regards,
Lady Hunter


After all the sex is gone, there is the mind - Lady Hunter / BAB

Copyright © House of Lady Hunter 1998-2009


bipolybabe replies on 9/4/2006 2:29 pm:
Hey! Glad you made your way over here. I'll look forward to checking out your blog of your own adventures.

BPB

foxydox 67M/66F

10/20/2006 5:41 pm

I am surprised to find that I am in polyamory with a married woman for the last two months. This is a function of my wanting to love freely but above all the trust that my mate and I have together which is total and the freedom we give each other to have all the pleasures we wish.It also requires her mate's agreement. I sport fucked as a young man and marriage has never worked for me only draqged me down tho I suppose I conned myself into thinking it was good. Now I realize it never was, only a social convention I compulsively allowed to dominate me.I think monagamy unnatural and promisquity an escape from commitment and intimacy. What's left? POLYAMORY or some strong emotion for one or more lovers in addition to the mate. Not easy but possible and ultimately freeing to the heart.


bipolybabe replies on 10/20/2006 8:15 pm:
Wow! Sounds like a totally cool situation for you.

Why don't you start a blog on your relationships?

I believe we're at The Tipping Point of inventing a new kind of relationship--beyond marriage, beyond friends with benefits, beyond anything we've known.

What I enjoy are people who are willing to tell the truth about their interesting love lives. So, I thank you for sharing.

BPB

rm_woopie2gent 60M

11/13/2006 9:49 am

It is interesting to me as I am discovering myself that good sex gets better if there is a connection and it is rare to find a woman who says exactly what you say in regards to polyamorous. I fully agree that the connection must be there, wanting it again is superb and makes you grow.


irishabroad2 57M/56F

3/24/2007 1:00 pm

This is a very interesting subject. Thinking back in my early years it was me whose was possessive and yes jealous with my girlfriend who subsequently became my wife.
Over the years this jealousness waned as my love for her got stronger. The more I found that I loved her the more I wanted her to have her freedom and to get as much enjoyment out of life as she could get.
Her view is that she only wants me inside her and that to have anyone else betrays 'what sh signed up for' as it were.
I don't push the situation too stongly but I would love to see her express her sexuality before life evades us altogether.
Love to have your view on this.

This life is not a rehearsal!


bipolybabe replies on 3/25/2007 12:26 am:
Hmmm...interesting. As you might guess, I think it's a shame for people not to explore what's possible. I admire your desire to suggest that she explore, but we are all ready for different things at different times.

It's unusual for a couple to both be ready for sexual exploration at just the same time. You might investigate studying Tantra, which is a practice to build your intimacy and closeness as a couple.

Ironically, that's how friends of mine discovered they might be ready to open their relationship...when they learned how to have mind-blowing sex together! And then learned what was possible when they had someone else join them to coach them. Then, they started exploring together and then decided it was okay for them each to have separate relationships.

You may want to consider attending the AskAphrodite SexFest March 30 to April 2 next weekend in Vegas to learn from four of us who are quite experienced at a variety of relationships. The SexFest is designed to give people a chance to explore at their own pace, with absolutely no pressure to perform or move faster than they are ready.

BPB

Vampaerus 40M
373 posts
5/5/2007 5:13 am

Looks like I've got some reading to do. Glad I stumbled onto this.


rob123ster 58M
791 posts
7/24/2007 2:57 am

I'm pleased to have found this. It capture what I've been thinking and gives me a word to describe it. I believe life is there to be lived and enjoyed, which includes pushing the boundaries sexually.

I'm positive about having many partners and don't require "faithfulness" in return. The challenge is, as you say, finding like minded partners who are at the same stage of development.


Wyldtyme2nite 45M/46F
853 posts
7/26/2007 5:45 pm

According to your post poly is being in a loving relationship with multiple people with your better half's consent. I view it as multiple individuals living together as one. Whether its a couple and another or two others. Similar to what we almost had with betty from my blog post. She would have lived with us and had the children. She would have been sexually active with both my wife and myself. We as a couple and individually had feelings for her and wanted her to be a part of our lives. But in the end she choose her boyfriend over us. It is something I would not mind trying again even though my wife is against for now. I guess she does not want to open up again as she had. Its a subject she rather not deal with. SO its swinging for now. Enjoyed the post. Thanks


rm_claphamKid 41M
10 posts
1/9/2008 10:12 pm

well well


GenericGuyMember 52M  
34 posts
6/25/2008 8:27 pm

Our journey of exploration was all about her desires. We discovered quickly that it is quite easy for a woman to have her pick of men as opposed to meeting a couple were everyone connects. This resulted in her meeting a guy with whom she connected deeply. They have become quite close. Her boyfriend is not of the swinger or poly mentality, so it has been difficult keeping him in line. His expressed desire has been to have her all to himself. This has caused her to pull the plug on any other potential relationships. Of course, I am now in a position worse than being a single guy, being a guy who is admittedly married. Typically the only women who would be interested are sport fuckers, which is not really my goal. I am not sure of the long term stability of our marriage, since it was never an intense one to begin with, and she has definitely shown a preference for her new relationship.


seacoastcouple08 51M/39F
38 posts
8/22/2008 6:10 am

Hello....and so well put. My own bride and I are polyamorous...she more so than me. I am the older part of this pair and early on I very clearly said that i would far rather her open and honest with me, without fear of jealousy or guilt, than to cheat and risk what we have. In a previous life, I was a serial cheater. And not a terribly nice person either. Plain and simple. My wife begrudgingly accepted it. I did not. And this led to our parting. On reflection, I recognize the pain that I put her through and still regret my actions and the effects they had upon her.
We all learn from our mistakes and today I like to think I am better person. I have chosen to not have physical relationships outside of my marriage unless of course, my own bride is with me. She on occasion and with some regularity has ongoing relationships with others. I do find a certain thrill from this, but it is also based upon a pretty solid relationship at the core. For the most part, we practice the "50 mile rule" though we tend to call it beach time.
I like your blog and I am glad that I bumped into you here.
Best,
Bill


rm_polyluver 58M
11 posts
1/25/2010 7:42 am

I read that only 16% of the world's civilizations have been monogamous and that makes sense. Monogamy may work well in some cases, especially during the child raising years, but is not natural behavior for humans. We need to put the cards out there on the table, be honest, be upfront and openly discuss our sexual needs with any partner - poly or monogamous. Men are much more likely to accept their role in polyamory since they are genetically more prone to desire and need more than one partner. Sexually liberated woman (though rare) are finding the joy of poly situations are not only personally fulfilling, but strengthen true and honest relationships. Balancing more than one relationship is not always easy and requires a very high degree of relationship maturity and honesty, but well worth the effort.


Become a member to create a blog