Truth is in the Sub-Text  

bipolybabe 54F
10715 posts
7/28/2006 2:56 pm

Last Read:
7/31/2006 5:24 pm

Truth is in the Sub-Text

Okay, I said I wasn't keep yammering on about my own damn sex life, but I feel it's dishonest not to say what's really going on beneath the surface, in the sub-text. It would be dishonest to act like I've got it all figured out. I'm muddling through like everyone else.

libgemOH wrote once that she admires my sexual self-confidence. It surprised me when she wrote that, but I guess I'm pretty good in bed. It's just in the rest of my life that I suck as badly as the next woman with lockjaw.

So, here's what I just sent in an email to a guy who thinks I'm the most "sexually evolved woman" he's ever heard of:

Dear Guy Who is Perfect for Me Except You Live 350 Miles Away and We've Never Met:

Too bad you can't make Burning Man! (See Meet at Burning Man?) It's sure to be a blast--either a blasting inferno or an explosion that rocks my world. Either way it'll be interesting.

There's trouble in Paradise, and I'm not feeling like a very evolved woman in most any way, but thanks for the thought!




This unknown guy and I have real life nicknames that rhyme, which I think is very cute.

Sometimes the day-to-day sucks, and the prospect of the unknown is simply more appealing!

What do you think? Do you want the twat in the bush or the bird in your hand?

(c) 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe


Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!

Lovin_U_4_Fun 54F

7/28/2006 5:01 pm

I'm a bird-in-the-hand kinda gal.

If I had a bird in my hand, it would have to do something really stupid before I would want to go bushwhacking and look for something else.

bipolybabe replies on 7/28/2006 5:19 pm:
You mean something stupid like emailing me, rather than walking 20 feet to talk to me, when I've requested time to talk about a conflict?

And what he emailed me was directions about where to meet him for what was supposed to be a chance for a little getaway. Tell me if you'd drive an hour and a half to meet someone in a hotel who wouldn't walk 20 feet to talk to you.


Mermaidslut 49F

7/28/2006 6:49 pm

Okay, first of all. Life takes effort.

Secondly, this is where the whole appeal of being polyamory breaks down for me personally, because I know for myself I require the emotional support that can only be found within a committed relationship or no emotional connection whatsoever. That is just not going to happen, when the only thing that holds a couple together is the sexual highlights of life. I need someone who is willing to walk by my side and hold my hand during the dark spots as well. That said...

Once out of high school, NO ONE in our age group is going to come with a perfectly adaptable personality to fit within our current lifestyle. We each have complete personalities that have to work on making sacrifices for each other, based on what we each need from a relationship. Throw in depression, financial issues, job schedules, past traumas, ex's, kids etc.. holy cow that is a lot of emotions to juggle. It is absolutely exhausting, and I can speak on that one from over a decade of experience.

Get over it, and accept people for who they are or not. The first fight is the roughest. The guilt or burdens you both bring to the relationship, the expectations of what a relationship means to each of you once the pheromones have done their job and reality is settling in after the bonding has happened, is not an easy task to deal with... because of...

The egos.

I KNOW, the other stuff is the easy part.. insert post A into slot B, anyone can follow those directions, with some success. However, it takes skill and maturity to navigate the rest of the issues. And let's face it, guys depend on women mostly to help with the real emotional stuff because they just don't think about all the social connections. Usually that bring in the relatives, and close circle of friends which also adds some support to the commitment of two partners beyond the household which sustain them as a couple.

If it wasn't, there wouldn't be so many divorces and broken relationships to begin with. It is easy to say, I have an itch that needs to be scratched, let me go find someone who is willing. The tough part, is sticking with the other person, once that itch has been dealt with and all of a sudden there is a bleeding ego in dire need of attention because life outside the relationship has dealt one of the partners a mortal blow to the soul. That is the true test of the bonds that keep us together. Can we look past our own needs, and stand by a mate and really be loyal to another's needs before our very own, knowing that ultimately that is a stronger show of love then someone who was in it just as much for equal pleasure.

Ultimately, it is the way you handle the fights, that defines the viability of any relationship.

How do you treat each other when you are ANGRY with the world, angry with each other, etc that really determine the strength of any relationship. Not just standing by each other fighting the world side by side when all things are good between you both.

This is why I spent more time in my recent relationship, defining how to deal with each other if we did have a fight, then giving instruction in the bedroom on how to please each other sexually. We are still not talking right now. I don't know if we ever will talk again after what we have gone through because here was a lot of drama happening on both sides that we have yet to deal with that needs to be cared for. However, we managed to get through a lot without a cross word with each other. I am 100% convinced he was the best gentleman I ever have had a conflict with in my entire life. I believe, it is only because we talked BEFORE there was tension, to lay some ground rules for the unavoidable life crisis that will always happen no matter how wonderful the fairytale. And I can assure you, the life crisis was pretty severe for both of us, and the roller coaster was intense but I am willing to get back in and try it again after some time has passed and we have dealt with some external issues, ONLY because of how the conflicts were resolved with compassion and respect for each other. Then again, were not talking right now, so that is only my interpretation of the situation and I can only speek for myself. He may think I am a crazy nutcase who he wants to keep at an arms distance for all that I know, but at least he never told me that to intentionally hurt my feelings.. lmao

Life happens. Why not have an agreed upon game plan in place, on how to deal with it, before life's little emergencies cause such a breakdown of communication that is causes emotional stress and pain?

bipolybabe replies on 7/29/2006 11:39 am:
I know you're right, and I fight badly. I escalate conflict by immediately pushing the eject button that is really only intended for emergencies.

That's a very bad habit.


rm_dosrev 38M
2091 posts
7/28/2006 6:51 pm

Do you want the twat in the bush or the bird in your hand?

Im going to assume you're asking would I rather have a woman that I'm chasing after as it were, or a partner that Ive settled with. IE the question - whats better the chase or the victory?

Id say its personal opinion really, and for me the answer has changed as Ive aged. When I was in my 20s, defenitly the hunt. Hell I had better nights at bars NOT scoring with women, but having a hell of a fun time then I did where I met someone, and there was no "hunt" just back to my place, sex, then playstation after she left.

As I've aged however, the hunt grows more and more tedious. While I can still derive great pleasure from the various aspects, I start to really prefer the steady constant companionship of the already known.

Ugh, more captain morgan over here please, I'm getting all dramatic and need to stop.

"Enough of this palaver, lets get the show on the road!"
"The best thing about a day like that is that it can't get any worse. It was a bad day AND a Monday. The rest of the week has to be better." - Hotandsteamygirl

bipolybabe replies on 7/29/2006 5:23 pm:
Yep, you get to a certain age and you know that with each new relationship you just go through the same "getting to know you" talks, fights and then when you give up and try again with the next person, you're just trading in one set of human defects for a new set.


ProtonicMan 47M

7/28/2006 6:58 pm

Uh-oh... Trouble in Paradise. I'm staying well out of this one.

I sincerely hope you have a good trip to Colorado, though.

As for your question, I have a bird in hand on occassion, but the one that I want remains at large. Damn emotions.


Mermaidslut 49F

7/28/2006 6:59 pm

OH.. and big hugs to you both. (((((( )))))))

.. as part of your social circle that defines you in your relatinship, I think you two are very capable of navigating this little issue. And, in comparisson to the rest of the world issues right now, this is a little issue.

2375 posts
7/28/2006 8:49 pm

Bird in the hand. I like permanancy, but not monotony.

nightis 52M

7/29/2006 4:06 am

I wonder how many of us that blog on a regular basis blog about the darker sides of our lives. I for one, have a personal policy not to post "downers". While my life is generally a really cool thing, there are certain things, both sex and non-sex related that I will not, for the sake of the reader's psyche post here.

A little dose of reality can be a good thing once in a while.

deliciousngood 64F
1665 posts
7/29/2006 4:54 am

WEll.....I tend to agree with MzHuny...LOL

I have about reached the point of being SICK of FWB...exp those who forget about the FRIEND part.Even tho it is nice to know that you have a sex partner out is typically at THEIR convenience, needs and timetable and I have to adjust. I NEED AN ADJUSTMENT...LOL

wickedeasy 66F  
25338 posts
7/29/2006 9:41 am

allow me again to state tht polyamory is not for me - i must have missed that lesson in kindergarten about sharing.

what came across for me in this blog isn't an issue about polyamory or needing to get fucked. it's initmacy or rather the lack of it. the man you love is depressed and you're emailing??? and going away for 11 days?? i wonder if the fear of intimacy drives you more than your sense of adventure.

i adore your blog - admire your honesty - consider you a friend - so as a friend, i would say, stop. just stop and take a look around you and give yourself the gift of time alone with the man that you love.

tight hugs

You cannot conceive the many without the one.

bipolybabe replies on 7/29/2006 11:34 am:
I'm quite sure the fear of intimacy drives a lot of stupid things I do. Add that to the other person's fears of intimacy and it's a situation ripe for explosion with both of us getting burned.

Frankly, I feel ready to give up on relationships in general.

It's too darned much work!

But, thanks for the hug. I needed it!


Lovin_U_4_Fun 54F

7/29/2006 3:43 pm

I hope you don't give up on this one. Look at this past conflict as an experiment... something about the way the collective you (meaning the two of you) dealt with it made it turn out less than desirable.

I understand that it felt like a slap when he sent the e-mail, I imagine I might have felt the same way, and.... I'd bet that is not what he was thinking when he sent it. I've found that when I am already feeling sensitive, it is easy to misinterpret my partner's actions.

In fact, in his male sort of way, he was trying to make sure you could get to the place where the two of you could have some time away together. I hope you pack your bags and go.

That's my hope!

bipolybabe replies on 7/29/2006 5:18 pm:
Thank you. I see the "male thing" going on, but I'm human, female, stubborn and pissed off. I've called four times, and he's not bothered to pick up the phone or call me back.

It hurts. He and I'll both survive and we'll figure out if it's better for us to work through this or give up.

So, thank you again for caring and for replying a second time.

I really appreciate the concern shown by my blogging friends. While we don't know one another in "real life," this feels pretty real when we reveal our hearts and know that another human reaches back to hug us.


CurvBHldr 64M
2292 posts
7/30/2006 2:26 pm

Hmmm, interesting question indeed. Recently divorced after 30 yrs., the "bird in hand thing" sorta didn't work out. The "twat in the bush" has been, and may always be, intriguing. Unfortunately, the "bird in the bush" is,.... by definition, unfulfilling. Back to the bird in hand,...don't exactly have one, but that seems to offer the most security, yet it didn't work out before. So what's next? Celibacy?? Hookers?? Poly?? Time will tell....

Mermaidslut 49F

7/31/2006 4:16 pm

bipolybabe replies on 7/29/2006 11:39 am:
I know you're right, and I fight badly. I escalate conflict by immediately pushing the eject button that is really only intended for emergencies.

That's a very bad habit.


Everyone has fear of intimacy. That is why multiple lovers is so attractive compared to monogamy. On the surface it appears to take less effort for more reward. But I feel it is just a defense mechanisim to never let anyone get truely close enough to hurt you when there is conflict. You are still able to "itch your scratches", as someone once explained it to me, but never get emotionally close and vulnerable.

Unfortunatly, that only works when life is good. However, when there are downtimes, thats when you need an emotionally bonded partner, who actually stays by your side through the better and worse.

Instead non committed partners are running off to the next person who can scratch their itches. Because when someone can have the affection of two, and they are in a place where they are emotionally non-committed to either, someone will try to keep this situation going for as long as possible! I think they are called "fair weather friends"
And if you think you can "convince" them to come back to you through shows of affection, appeals to desires or other "gifts" to bribe them, it won't work. Especially if life has just thrown you a big emotional bomb and you need someone for more then just physical fun. That, is exactly when you really pay the price for not letting anyone get too close emotionally.

Personally, I believe this is why the divorce rate has gone so sky high. Kids that have grown up with callouses on their hearts, built up from years of mistrust simply because they are products of broken homes. These children of extended families will have even more problems with intimacy simply because they have been torn apart from loving as a child and never got over it. At least that is how I look at it in my situation.

bipolybabe replies on 7/31/2006 5:49 pm:
I agree with part of what you're saying, particularly in my case, which is that my poly experiment is a way to hedge my bets.

However, about the divorce rate, I believe it's a sign of the transitional time we're living in. That is, it's the first time when women have had financial independence so we don't have to stay bonded for our very survival and that of our children. If you look at Scandinavian countries where women have even more financial freedom and power, the divorce rate is even higher. And fewer young people are marrying at all.

Now, is that bad new or is it good news?

I believe it's good news because it means that we can choose our partnerships because they meet our emotional needs, rather being dependent.

Is it a failure that it didn't work out with my live in?

Don't know. We had only known one another for two weeks when we decided to move in together. We had no long-term commitment to one another or we might not be so quick to pull the plug.

But, maybe it's good to pull the plug quickly if our most essential needs will never be met together. Or not be met until we each change.

He's going through a rough spot. I'm not an easy woman to be with. Could we make it? Maybe. But only if we both really wanted it. Apparently, he doesn't want it badly enough, so we're pulling the plug quickly.

Live and learn. Who the hell knows what works in this time in history?!? I certainly don't.


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