Swat Your Woman to Keep Her Sweet?  

bipolybabe 54F
10715 posts
8/16/2006 6:04 am

Last Read:
8/19/2006 7:17 pm

Swat Your Woman to Keep Her Sweet?


My therapist just returned from an African safari. He said the number and variety of wild animals he saw--lions mating, a cheetah in motion-- was overwhelming at times. He said it's a trip he can see me enjoying with my kids, since I'm an Adventure Mama.

But the really interesting thing he learned was about the Kenyan custom of "caning" for letting go of resentment between a man and a woman.

Now, before you feminists (like me) go getting your panties in a knot, please hear me out. When a Kenyan man and a woman have a disagreement, they may argue, but, at some point, they need to declare the disagreement finished. The man explained, "We watch you foreigners on these tours and you never let go of your anger. Something small triggers it and two weeks later you are still angry. We do not have the luxury of resentment. We must move on for our survival."

So, when it's time to move on, the Kenyan man swats his woman on the butt with a stick, she yelps and the argument becomes past history. The man was quick to explain that violence or beating a woman is not tolerated, but that this ritual helps them to put disagreements in the past. And, the swat also reasserts his role as the leader in the relationship.

While for the equality I'd like to see in relationships, the man and woman might alternate between who swats whom--without debating again who was right or wrong -- it makes sense to me to create a ritual to put the past in the past. And to make it unfair to bring up old hurts two weeks or 15 years later.

How do you let go of disagreements? How do you assure that resentment doesn't continue to grow?

(c) 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe


BPB

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piercednshavedmn 52M
4579 posts
8/16/2006 7:39 am

I was blessed with a poor memory, so it is easy for me to get past things. I was involved with a woman who had a photographic memory. Getting past things was next to impossible for her. She would say things like 6 months ago you did .... I would say I don't remember. Which made things worse. Made for some interesting "discussions" I think a ceremonial swat by each party on the other is a great idea. It really puts and end to the issue.


bipolybabe replies on 8/16/2006 7:46 am:
Yeah, women do seem to hang onto past slights forever. That's part of why this idea appeals to me. Put the past in the past where it belongs.

BPB

rm_imtheone42 74M
485 posts
8/16/2006 7:40 am

I think makeup sex would be much more effective than caning. I know I would be much less resentful after getting laid than after getting smacked on the butt with a cane.


bipolybabe replies on 8/16/2006 7:45 am:
Makeup sex does sound like a lot more fun!

But, it's really the ideas of a ritual and that neither of you get to keep bringing past disappointments or hurts back into current discussion that I think is most helpful.

BPB

MOfunNOWWOW 55F

8/16/2006 9:22 am

A pact not to let the sun set on anger. We agree to disagree if it gets to where we can't agree. He then holds my hand and I his and he then he usually kisses my hand. He is very tender with me. It works pretty good. {=}


MOMO
just a squirrel trying to get a nut


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 10:46 pm:
Kissing the hand sounds lovely, but I'm still feeling vindictive and nasty. Kiss my butt! That will improve my disposition.

BPB

lookingforfun54 60M
86 posts
8/16/2006 2:05 pm

I have to agree with jim on that one. I tried not to bring up old problems but my ex would use them again and again but for her it wasn't the past.... Never quite figured that one out...

Aubrey


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 10:40 pm:
Must be that estrogen works on the part of the memory good for finding single missing socks and remembering past hurts.

BPB

Hydragenias 56F

8/16/2006 4:02 pm

I try to never dwell on past issues. Life is simply just too short for that. I've been through too many big things to ever afford the luxury of lingering over little things.

Like my mom always said, "don't make a mountain out of a mole hill"

P.S. My granddaughter's paternal grandfather is from Kenya.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 10:46 pm:
You are a rare jewel among women if you never bring up the time he forgot your anniversary 20 years ago.

Bravo!

BPB

spacecadet561 59M

8/16/2006 4:36 pm

It's an interesting theory, and way of not letting the sun go down on one's anger. I just hope they don't restart the same fight the next day.

SpaceCadetรน


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 10:48 pm:
Nope, on to a new fight the next day.

BPB

Balibabe19 41F

8/16/2006 4:42 pm

I remember being told "Never go to bed angry" so make-up sex helps us out there..but I am one of the lucky ones, my relationship with my husband never escalates in regards to anger....and on the odd occasion where my anger does get out of control..I have trained myself to never make personal attacks..and stick to the subject at hand.

My initial reaction to the caning was "You're Kidding!!" but then it doesn't take long to understand that every culture has different therapies to assist. Can you imagine thier reaction if it was explained to them that in western society we prefer to pay an outside party to mediate and possibly dredge up a whole new set of issues that require further sessions and more money...!!!


*that caning doesn't seem so bad now!*


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 10:41 pm:
Good idea for selling the caning program in this country, pushing the cost savings over counseling and divorce!

BPB

starvingnow 48F

8/16/2006 5:22 pm

I think I could take it...I admit that sometimes I need it...don't we all?


bipolybabe replies on 8/16/2006 5:49 pm:
I am charmed by the idea of a ritual for letting go of the past.

That's what I want. I know that, as a woman, I am cursed with the memories of every single teeny, tiny mean little thing my ex-husband did 20+ years ago. And, you know, I don't want to keep carrying that stuff around. It's too much darned baggage.

So, let's chuck it now, huh?

BPB

IamWetFire 52F

8/16/2006 5:46 pm

I agree with Jim. Just agree to disagree. Hitting--symbolic or otherwise--is not appropriate no matter the situation, and certainly not part of anything "loving."


bipolybabe replies on 8/16/2006 6:22 pm:
It's not the hitting, I think, that's significant.

It's having a symbolic act that says "we're done with that one." Let's move on.

The difference between the memories of men and women makes "agree to disagree" difficult.

I still remember times things from 20+ years ago that my ex-husband said to me, supposedly in jest, that rankled.

So, what would be a good way to put the past behind us, without swatting the behind?

BPB

rm_dosrev 38M
2091 posts
8/16/2006 5:53 pm

Make up sex = i forget whatever happened before hand.

If my fucked up memory decides its going to try to remember what happened before, i tell myself that bringing it back up might mean no more sex ever and the brain pretty much buries it.

HOWEVER that means I DONT have sex untill I'm ready to let the argument go, which can be bad at times.

"Enough of this palaver, lets get the show on the road!"
"The best thing about a day like that is that it can't get any worse. It was a bad day AND a Monday. The rest of the week has to be better." - Hotandsteamygirl


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 10:42 pm:
Makeup sex sounds really good right now! And with a couple swats thrown in.

BPB

Panthiest 72M

8/17/2006 2:20 am

Years ago when I managed a small retail/publsihng business we developed hand signals for when somebody was pissing us off. Hand signal meant stop doing what youre doing and either ask nicely what's going on or step away and let things cool for a while before discussing. Someotmes being verbal, no matter how innocent one thinks they are, only makes things worse so the hand signal bypasses that.

Adopting other culture's ways is not always a good idea. Caning, for me, is a sign of subordination and control. I am the master, therefore I am right and you are wrong. Swat! And if one is pissed off, that swat could be given and taken to make matters worse.
For me it's about reconnecting to the "heart chakra" and then communicazting what we really feel and accepting the other's words to be considered.


bipolybabe replies on 8/17/2006 3:22 am:
I like that about a non-verbal signal. Some organizations I've worked in used a red bandana to wave, because it's really hard to get a tongue lashing at work.

And, I agree with you about opening the heart chakra. I am all for free flowing communication as you can see from the river of words emanating from my blog. What I've discovered is I can't make my river flow into another's closed heart.

BPB

wickedeasy 66F  
25396 posts
8/17/2006 3:15 pm

not me baby - i let it fester, grow to gargantuan proportion and then do a major melt down at which point the man either decides i'm a whack job and runs screaming for the hills

or we fuck

okay - so not all that evolved..........but i like the swatting part

You cannot conceive the many without the one.


bipolybabe replies on 8/17/2006 3:56 pm:
You are too, too funny!

I think we suffer from the same whack job tendency. Plus the preference to fuck and get spanked!

BPB

Mermaidslut 49F

8/18/2006 1:30 am

I think it is important to have a plan, for dealing with stuff like that. I firmly refuse to fight and "make up sex", to end fighting. I believe that sets the stage for picking fights, just for foreplay. I made that rule due to a previous relationship experience.

However, I do like the idea of some form of ritual, for bringing each partner back into the focus of the relationship that is mutually decided on in advance. Something that helps re-establish the bond that they enjoy together and takes only a few moments is a good thing.

It could be as simple as turning on a special song, that means something special between the both of you and is a reminder of a good time together.

Recently, I came up with the idea of using two glass hearts. I put them together in a high profile location touching each other (top of the microwave) that we could see everyday. I said that if we are ever upset with each other, we should move the hearts apart. That way we don't have to have a "fight", but instead these hearts could visually symbolize that we need our partner to understand something is wrong or we have somehow hurt each other. A form of silent communication, and a way for the other partner to know that something needs to be worked on to bring us back closer together. Without confrontation.... spankings should be saved for role playing games. Of course consistent lack of nookie, could be why the hearts have moved apart as well. So the actions of wHY the hearts were moved apart, will of course help to determine what needs to happen for the hearts to move back together again.

So far, my apology hasn't worked and the hearts are now separated. I gave him his heart to keep, and took mine as I left, last time we were together.

However, I will defiantly incorporate this strategy into my next relationship. I think it's a great monitor for the relationship strength, and forces both partners to be responsible for maintaining communication with each other .....


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 10:44 pm:
Gosh, it's powerful, the image of those glass hearts separated.

Hope you find the right glass heart to get close to!

BPB

rm_FreeLove999 46F
16127 posts
8/18/2006 4:11 am

some past issues are still "present" and some are not ... for example, my husband always used to be extremely late for everything without informing me that he was running late. it caused humungous arguments for a number of years, but now he is both more punctual and more likely to inform me if he is running late that issue is clearly in the past and i can't see it ever being brought up in an argument again. but there are things he does repeatedly, and is still doing, that bug me (and things i'm doing to him) and that will some times lead ancient history being dragged up in the heat of an argument.



[blog freelove999]


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 6:09 am:
Yeah, that's a hard one, being cursed with a memory that doesn't let go of past hurts.

I hate that in myself. I wonder if there's a spot in my brain I could gently lobotomize...

BPB

freebreeze_0 64M
40 posts
8/18/2006 5:39 pm

The Kenyan was right, we hold on to anger much too long, at least we do in my primary relationship, because we can. The surest way to get over it, is to have an important decision, or discusstion have to take place.


bipolybabe replies on 8/18/2006 10:43 pm:
I like the idea of incorporating more ritual into life, but particulary for letting go of old resentments.

BPB

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