So what about this adultery thing?  

bipolybabe 54F
10715 posts
7/12/2006 8:26 am

Last Read:
7/15/2006 4:18 pm

So what about this adultery thing?

I didn't think there was anything with regard to sex that was truly taboo to me. There are just things that don't interest me much.

In one of my first AdultFriendFinder email exchanges, a local 22-year-old boy sent me full list of fetishes from alt dot com. I realized that scat, watersports or having someone walk on me with high heels just didn't interest me. I found it fascinating that other people got satisfaction from that, but it just wasn't for me.

Recently, my personal ethics have been tested. I met one married man who said he had a separate residence and then declined to meet a second. In both cases, I decided sex with a married man just isn't worth it, despite how desirable and potentially compatible we might be.

It's not that I want to be the only one. In fact, I'm not particularly interested in an exclusive relationship at this time. It's not that I think matrimony is a holy institution. In fact, I think marriage will cease to be a destination for most women in the next 20 years. Already in Scandinavian countries where women have full economic equality, divorce rates are 75-80% to our mere 50% in this country. And, younger people are choosing not to get married at all.

In my opinion, marriage as an institution has served in the past to make men financially responsible for their offspring. If women have full financial independence, marriage may not look so necessary. Of course, the romantic in me still wishes for people to love and join their lives with one another, but I think they can do that without involving the state in their expression of love for one another.

So, if I don't do married for those two reasons, why is it still off-limits for me? I guess because I'm a sinner at heart. I feel envy for men who can stay married while getting their freak on with The Other Woman. I had an affair that cost me the security of my marriage. I wrote about the price I paid in [post 267677].

I know that by staying married, there's a price to be paid, too. I was unwilling to pay that price, to limit my freedom to express myself sexually and otherwise.

So, with married men (or women) who do not have what I call a "get out of jail free" pass, which is the explicit agreement of their spouse that other lovers are permissible, I choose not to give the gift of my sexual freedom to someone who has not paid the price I have for the right to fuck whomever I choose whenever I choose in every way imaginable.

Instead, I seek a new form of love and relationships where we are free to express ourselves while respecting others' feelings. The jury's still out on polyamory (See What is Poly or Polyamory? and Poly Survey Responses), but I think there's great potential if we can get past the fear of loss by speaking the truth. As far as I know, no one has ever died from learning that his or her mate wants more sex.

So, what do you think about marriage, sex outside of marriage and the possibility for polyamory and radical honesty?


Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!

jst4fun915 34F

7/12/2006 12:32 pm

I will either comment here when I have more time, or post on my site, this topic is a big one to me. I shall return.

bipolybabe replies on 7/12/2006 9:04 pm:
Thanks! Let me know when you post it as it's important work--for you and for all of us.

I think we're on the brink of reinventing marriage for those of us who love and who also want freedom and full sexual self-expression,


expatbrit49 62M

7/12/2006 1:37 pm

it all good... without sex outside marriage I woulod not have any

Thank You for Your Time and Attention

bipolybabe replies on 7/12/2006 9:06 pm:
And does your conscience ever trouble you or do you have an agreement that allows for seeking sexual satisfaction outside your marriage?

You're welcome to tell me it's none of my business. I'm merely curious about how people create their relationships, because we all learn from one another's experiences and how we each choose to manage our lives and need for sexual satisfaction.

I want you to know that I don't judge others' choices. I just make the best choice I can for myself in any moment.


spacecadet561 59M

7/12/2006 2:43 pm

I've had no qualms about cybersex, seeing it as an extension of the various flavors of porn I've tried. Now that there is some faint prospect of meeting someone from AdultFriendFinder in the flesh, I'm very much in two minds. The sorry state of the marriage has me interested, but the fact of having made the commitment has me stalling.


bipolybabe replies on 7/12/2006 9:08 pm:
Yep, that's the central issue. We know we have made a commitment to a certain kind of relationship and that our spirit wants something else.

Please know that there's no "wrong" choice. It's just whatever we choose in this moment and the next and what we learn from it.

Please keep us informed because I believe we all learn from one another's experiences.


Lovin_U_4_Fun 54F

7/12/2006 7:20 pm

Well, I can say, without a doubt, that when it comes to communicating with your spouse... I am all for radical honesty! In fact, that it was kept me monogamous during my marriage. Let me explain. Before we got married, my ex and I promised that if we were considering a relationship outside of the marriage we would discuss it.... no matter what!

I work in a lot of places and meet all kinds of people! I had no idea that wearing a wedding ring made men want you even more! But... the few times I was tempted, I had to think about how I would tell my husband that I was interested in someone else, and... I immediately lost interest. I didn't want to hurt him. So... I can definitely agree with the radical honesty. I can see it working out differently for other folks. To me... the honesty is what is important.

Eventually, we hurt each other in other, unintended ways, and we parted as friends. We can still count on each other for the truth. I like that!

bipolybabe replies on 7/12/2006 9:09 pm:
Yep, honesty all around is where it's at for me,


tootsiedippin 53M/52F
1078 posts
7/12/2006 7:42 pm

Hmmm Marraige be pointless or not in favor...I thing it will be more than 20 years...

The ecconamical reasons were not the only reasons for mariage (is there a beter way to say You have to encompus the female/object male ownership of history and the many jeliousy issues that were solved with marriage. At least one study showed that in herd type One male/ many Female structures the outside roving males would copulate with lesser/ females. Notice the the Stoning laws are of the audultress female/ male. While the Male were generally accepted to have many wives.

Radical honesty yes... but with a bit of timing maybe.


bipolybabe replies on 7/12/2006 9:14 pm:
There may be certain biological imperatives, but I think women are just as likely to seek out multiple partners as men. It's really the economical thing that has women be more severely punished for it.

Thanks for adding your view,


florallei 99F

7/12/2006 8:01 pm

A loaded question and your answer and views I respect but not necessarily agree with. I was married for 20 yrs. to a cheater. I had no knowledge of it and when I found out I was crushed but chose to forgive but in the end the marriage had so many other problems and ended. In my past attitude and thinking based on societies ideas and cultural and tradional and religious values I used to feel adultery was a sin that was the most reprehensible thing you could do to someone.
As one gets older and listen and observe and realizes as to why they commit adultery I am not quick to judge any longer...There are married men and women for many reasons can't or won't leave a marriage be it for financial or other responsibilities but live a sodo arrangement and a very unfulfilling and unhappy marriages. In my profile I accept responses from both single and married for I know that some married people also deserve some sexual fulfillment and intimacy...Yes I may be judged harshly for this but I just feel there are far worse sin in society today than adultery.
This will make me unpopular but I have changed in my thinking. If I really had a choice I would love to have an open relationship with a partner. I don't know if this is the best route but I have had far too many serious relationships since my marriage ended and the men were very non-sexual and left me very frustrated. Should I leave them because they can't give me sexual pleasures. Some I didn't want to end but because I am very sexual I ended it for I know they would not want to share me.
If the reverse were true and my partner is sexual and I am not I really believe I can share him with another woman. Thanks for letting me air out BPB....shiish that was too long sorry.

bipolybabe replies on 7/12/2006 9:11 pm:
I appreciate your sharing your viewpoint, Florallei, and it's not necessary to agree. Only to respect others' viewpoints.

And, you know, I'm not sure I could share either. I haven't had to face my own fears and jealousy, which is a pretty normal human emotion.

For me, all of this is still pretty much theoretical.


PurplePeach72 44F  
9199 posts
7/13/2006 5:14 am

Hey BPB,
Great discussion as always, and I feel like I'm becoming a broken record as I always comment about our open marriage, and just recently commented on ShayeDK's blog [ShayeDK blog] about the same thing.

I am polyamory, my husband is not, I am brutally honest in all possible aspects of my life, he is not, but we do have a sucessfully open marriage. We are both committed to each other's happiness and understand that no two people are exactly alike. We work hard on understanding and accepting our own needs as well as each others. It's not for everyone, but I think alot more people would be happier if they were honest withthemselves and their partners about what they need and want.


LookandWink 63M

7/13/2006 3:43 pm

I have been struggling with this issue for years. In my case, there is no intimacy, but the rest of the relationship is ok. Children and finances are the only glue left to keep it together. She does not respect me and has made it clear that she will never be sexually interested in me.
I am not actively looking for a sex partner and have chosen to look for friendships with women who are open with their sexuality and can accept my situation. I had lunch today with a new friend and her son. It felt good to know that she enjoyed my company.
The idea of leaving my marriage and finding someone who has a more open outlook on her sexuality is intriguing and a poly relationship sounds just as interesting. I told a friend of mine that I want to move out this fall. I'm not sure if I will though. After 33 years, living by myself sounds a little scary.
I agree that a marriage is a contract that should be honored. But at what point does the contract become void? I know your position and I respect it. If I lived closer, I would enjoy meeting you and discussing life, love and relationships. Maybe someday. Until then, keep it up! I will visit every day. Thanks for being there.

rm_galileopan 60M
45 posts
7/13/2006 10:09 pm

I agree with florallei. For a long time I judged people who "cheated", but after hanging out on a sex work forum for a while, I heard too many stories of guys with kids and a still-loved wife who had a set of unbendable rules in her head... but no sex. When they made their marriage vows, they had no idea of the place they'd end up in 10 years.

I'm very, very fortunate that my wife and I both knew we wanted non-monogamy 23 years ago. I'd like to be able to say that I'd never cheat, but that would be facile since I've never had to.

libgemOH 56M/52F

7/15/2006 5:42 am

A, I like this post!! There is another possibility that me and my lover have. We each have but one lover, him for me, me for him. But we are both free to experiment sexually, apart or together, with one rule....absolute honesty!! There will be NO sneaking around on each other and we are both open and honest with one another about what happened and share the details. It works well for us and we both are enjoying exploring our limits and learning a trust, an intimacy that I have never known before.

As far as your words on married's/ attached's, for me personally, I generally stay away, not because I'm standing in judgement, but because there is FAR too much possibility for drama and dishonesty with a playmate who has such a relationship and is being dishonest with their mate about it. There are always exceptions and this is just a general rule, but I just don't need the drama and garbage in my life!! -B

mewisemagic3 50M

7/16/2006 7:43 am

There is a lot at stake. I am scared to death of leaving my wife even though I know it is the right thing to do. Much like LookandWink says money and children complicate things immensely.

On the outside chance that someone gives a shit, here is my horrible tale:
My Reasons....

rm_BigCarlos190 43M
14 posts
7/22/2006 12:30 am

nice and good

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