Share the Divorce Knowledge  

bipolybabe 55F
10715 posts
5/28/2006 3:49 pm

Last Read:
5/31/2006 6:43 pm

Share the Divorce Knowledge

I'm a veteran of The Divorce Wars (actually just a short skirmish in my case), as I'm sure many of us are. Below is what I've learned. Disagree or add to what we all oughta know for one of the major life transitions.

1) Go for mediation. DO NOT hire attorneys if you can possibly help it. They get paid by creating an adversarial relationship. Work it out between yourselves or with a mediator and then formalize your agreement.

2) Push for 50% custody. It’s easier to negotiate downward once the agreement is reached or conceding a lower level of custody may serve as a negotiating chip.

3) 30% custody = One day a week, every other weekend and half the school holidays.

4) The court will “impute” earnings for a non-working spouse as long as the children are of school age (which means he/she’ll be expected to earn some dough and not live off you forever). It is always okay to provide more for your children but hard to provide it if you don’t have it.

5) Never, ever say bad things about one’s former spouse to the children.

6) California is a community property state, as are many others. ½ means ½. Give half but take half too. Just because you feel guilty about divorcing is not a good reason for rolling over and giving it all away.

7) Show up when you say you will. Keep in touch with your kids. They’re the most important consideration in divorce.

8. Never allow the children to be a bargaining chip except in #2 above.

What can you add?

(c) 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe


Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!

Seriously_Real 48M

5/28/2006 4:16 pm

A little flexibility goes a long way in working with the ex-spouse you will be seeing regularly for years on end. Be flexible and expect flexibility. It works for everyone.

And don't fuck your ex-spouse, ever. Ever. Ever.


rm_sinful01forU 40M
117 posts
5/28/2006 5:29 pm

    Quoting kittenkisses24:
    hey bipoly.......i have a friend at work, who just decided to file. her husband is an alcoholic, and is lying to her because of it, spending their money, so that they don't have enough, etc. so she's filing. the price of the divorce is over $3000. it just seems a little steep for me. they have one daughter.

    i have a friend who was divorced last year, but they had no children and their divorce cost only $700. so is the child the difference, or is the lawyer?

    it all sounds so confusing to me.
Its the lawyer kitten. When I went through my divorice it cost the two of us $500.00. (we split the cost so $250.00 a piece) We have two children.

And Flexibility is key, and it works both ways.

As for pushing for joint custody that depends on the situation. In most cases I would agree but in some cases one of the two ex-spouses have a livilyhood that keeps them from being able to care for the child half the time in order to provide for the children. If a change of livilyhood is available to that person and can still provide for the children adaquately then that is all well and good, but flexibility on both your parts is probably the best thing.

ProtonicMan 48M

5/28/2006 6:30 pm

My divorce cost me about $1500. I'm not sure what she paid her attorney, but I think it's about the same. We have joint legal custody, but I didn't get all the parenting time I wanted. More parenting time could cut my steep child support, but I know that my ex is using it wisely to provide a safe and healthy home for my little girl.

I could have pushed harder for the parenting time, but my ex didn't show any signs of giving in, and I didn't want to pay my attorney more for it.

For the most part, I don't talk to my ex unless it's about our daughter. But we communicate pretty well, there.

If you have young children, a way to reduce the stress of communication is to have a notebook that goes back and forth with the kids. You can keep track of schedules, health issues, and a lot more. Just don't do any bashing in it.


bipolybabe replies on 5/29/2006 11:40 am:
Hey, PM,

The binder idea's a good one. My ex and I use email a lot, or we did especially early in our separation when our direct communication was most difficult.

I have also learned the hard way NEVER to write an email, though, if I'm upset about something. It is ALWAYS essential then to pick up the phone and talk or meet face to face.

Otherwise, email tends to send the situation from bad to disastrous!

wickedeasy 67F  
26745 posts
5/28/2006 7:56 pm

try to remember the fact that you loved him once -

hold that thought and maybe.........if you're lucky
you'll end up friends

i was lucky

You cannot conceive the many without the one.

rm_Kyhammer2 47M/46F

5/28/2006 8:54 pm

To kittenkisses24: I have to disagree with sinful01forU. Your friend will be happy in the end, I think, if she spends the $3000 now. If the split were amicable then it might be fine to spend less for an attorney. But, in her case, it may save her much heart ache and many sleepless nights to spend a little more now. And it might just save her money in the long run. Like my Grandfather says, you get what you pay for.

brute472 74M
3480 posts
5/28/2006 11:06 pm

Been through two divorces but where I come from it is much cheaper to file as you need no attorney but the property laws are 50/50 only in my case the first one got the lot kids and all and the second let me keep my car.

TheCliticals 35F/F

5/29/2006 3:02 am

Wouldnt it be so much easier to just kill him?

bipolybabe replies on 5/29/2006 7:16 am:
Actually, no. Then I'd be a single parent. I really like my ex-husband. He's a nice fellow and an absolutely fabulous father.

I did realize that it was time to get divorced when I started imagining him dead, only because I didn't want to go through the embarrassment of divorce. Then, I said, "Babe, that's dumb. Suffer some embarrassment. And pain. And move on."

That's what I did, and that's what I'm encouraging others to do.

Mermaidslut 50F

5/29/2006 10:52 am

kittenkisses24, just tell her that it wll be cheaper then if he gets a DUI, or worse and is still married to her. If he gets in a wreck, they could come after her house etc.

I have a friend going through something similar, 8 months now I have known her and very week they are getting a divorce. This weekend, we went through it again. If he gets in a wreck, she could lose EVERYTHING that her prenup would have protected her from if she could just follow through and divorce him now. They have only been married three years, her kids ALL hate him and the entire last year she has been tryng to walk out. She thinks she is going to save him, but his alcohol is just the surface issue. That man's messed up!

TheRealThing655 48F
9558 posts
5/31/2006 3:45 pm

Thanks for this. I am just starting my divorce so this reinforces everything I've heard.

bipolybabe replies on 5/31/2006 6:44 pm:
You are most welcome.

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