Newbie Fears: Sorting the Freaks from the Pervs  

bipolybabe 54F
10715 posts
7/14/2006 9:20 am

Last Read:
7/23/2006 10:42 pm

Newbie Fears: Sorting the Freaks from the Pervs


NEWBIE FEARS
I got an email from a newbie, a woman in her late 30s who sounded nervous about how to approach dating men she met through this friendly site.

FREAK-OUT!
I can fully understand her concern. I've freaked out a couple times, like when I first posted my profile with no photo and got hundreds of emails and then when I got hundreds more responses to a new profile with a headless shot of my nude body attractively arranged on the rocks at a nearby creek. (This photo is now tucked in my album, 'cuz it made men write me too many stupid "ruhot2nite" emails. They saw the photo and didn't bother reading. My current photos are attractive, but not so distracting!)

PERVS
Friends of mine have a prejudice about the idea of meeting someone from a sex site. They're sure sex sites are populated by perverts and freaks. Well, they are, but we prefer to call ourselves "pervs" because we share the malady of a high interest in sex. I have stayed on this site because it's where pervs meet. (And blog!)

But, really, the problem for her--and for other women on this site--is the good kind of problem to have. It's that there are 10 times as many men here as women. So, how do you sort through?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
I suggest you do it by being absolutely clear about what you're looking for. If your heart desires an intimate sexual relationship with someone who only does it in missionary position so you can gaze into one another's eyes for the next 50 years of your life, I suggest you say just that. Don't worry that it will eliminate the guys who are just looking for anal sex or a one-nighter. If he's not looking for what you are, he's not the one, is he?

I suggest you be absolutely honest about potential

RELATIONSHIP DEALBREAKERS:
--Type of relationship desired
--Speed of getting to that relationship (e.g.,how soon you want exclusivity, marriage, children)
--Lifestyle(e.g., smoking, alcohol, exercise)
--Pets
--Money
--Religion
--Politics

It may sound weird to you to put all this out on a sex site, but if you're a person interested in sex, don't you imagine there's another person who will have a similar interest on this site with whom you can be well-matched?

In my case, I am NOT looking for an exclusive relationship. I am interested in exploring polyamory, which means that I want an emotional connection, don't want one-nighters and want to find lovers who are willing to open their hearts as well as share their lovely, muscular bodies. My profile is very specific and very honest about what I'm looking for. I'd like him to return my damn phone calls for sex, so that's what my profile says!

It's cut down, frankly, on the number of "hits" I get, but it helps to make sure that those men who hit on me are "qualified." In fact, I realized when my LIP (Live-In Penis) practically lived at my blog, that he was pretty darned interested in how my mind works. I like men who read!

SAFETY PRECAUTIONS
Now, with regard to safety in dating on this site, I've written my own "rules" in Using AFF to Get Great Sex. It rarely works well for me if I deviate from these rules. In addition, I don't give out my last name until we've met face to face. I don't give out my home number, only cell phone. I don't give out my address until we're going there. And I do live with other people, so I always feel safer the first time in my own environment. I do verify his name and where he works.

AVOIDING UPSET OVER SEX

I've also written about what I need in order to avoid being upset--or scared--the first time I have sexual contact with a man in

Getting to "Yes": Part One
and
Getting to "Yes": Part Two.

Much of the wisdom in "Getting to Yes" comes from what I learned in the PAX International Workshops on Understanding Men . I rate those workshops as one of the most useful thing I've ever done for myself as a woman who loves men and often feels stumped about how to get along with them.

Is there anything else you could add that would allay women's fears and/or help them meet the men who'd rock their world in just the right way?


(c) AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe

BPB

Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!



TonyPlays 64M

7/14/2006 10:22 am

I think it's a tough call. It's even tough for men. How do I know if some chick isn't a psycho bitch?

My guess is that the more you know about a person the better chance you will have of not getting into an out of control situation.

You've heard the saying "Drink responsibly"? Well "Date Responsibly" too.


bipolybabe replies on 7/14/2006 2:11 pm:
I try never to drink and date. Bad idea!

Date responsibly! I like that.

BPB

rm_sexxikritter 52F
2715 posts
7/14/2006 11:52 am

For myself, the comfort level I have while talking to a man on the phone is my indicator for when I am ready to meet him.
If there are too many ackward silences, too much sex talk, only small talk, chances are it's gonna be a long time or there won't be a meet. If conversation flows and he's not afraid to talk about anything and everything, I'm mpre apt to meet him sooner.
I will never meet with some one if I get even the slightest tinge of doubt. I am only just beginning to "listen" to myself and to trust in what I here. If he's offended...so what? I use that old adage of "better safe than sorry".


rm_sexxikritter 52F
2715 posts
7/14/2006 11:52 am

For myself, the comfort level I have while talking to a man on the phone is my indicator for when I am ready to meet him.
If there are too many ackward silences, too much sex talk, only small talk, chances are it's gonna be a long time or there won't be a meet. If conversation flows and he's not afraid to talk about anything and everything, I'm mpre apt to meet him sooner.
I will never meet with some one if I get even the slightest tinge of doubt. I am only just beginning to "listen" to myself and to trust in what I hear. If he's offended...so what? I use that old adage of "better safe than sorry".


bipolybabe replies on 7/14/2006 2:22 pm:
Yeah, to do this kind of dating, we have to be willing to listen to our intuition.

The last time I broke my own rules, I ended up meeting a 27-year-old guy down at the beach at 9 at night, in a dark and nearly-empty parking lot, only to learn that he was on lithium for bipolar disorder and was through with being a nice guy!

Aagh!! My intuition said, "Be polite. Be friendly. And get the heck out of there!" I did. I lied when I told him I'd be in touch.

So, like you, I've learned to trust my intuition on the phone, and if he pushes really hard to meet, just say "no thanks."

BPB

MoonRise9 58M

7/14/2006 11:53 am

Include a very clear, recent, smiling, cropped picture of your face. Since I started doing this, along with a long letter about why I liked the woman's profile and photos of my home and dog and me(dressed casually), I have received 4 replies to 4 emails - 100%, and after a phone conversation 3 of the women chose to come to my home to talk and have lunch. Photographic and verbal honesty and clarity build trust.


bipolybabe replies on 7/14/2006 2:10 pm:
Please post a photo of your dog dressed casually!

By the way, what you're talking about, with regard to reading her profile and tailoring your approach to what you read, is perfect!

Thanks for sharing,

BPB

rm_saintlianna 45F
15466 posts
7/14/2006 11:59 am

I say quit leaving such sexually aggressive/bordering on violent suggestions. At least thats what I got alot of when my email was open, one reason I shut it down too.


bipolybabe replies on 7/14/2006 2:18 pm:
Gosh, I haven't gotten many violent offers, just ones for hooking up that night in his hotel room, which means he hasn't bothered to read my profile.

I think AdultFriendFinder pushes the idea of an immediate hook-up, with their "Make instant sexual connections with singles, couples and groups."

Hmm...I wonder if it was your photo with the stigmata that confused them into thinking you were into violence, rather than a martyred saint. That's the thing about photos. They're worth a whole lotta words, especially when people have sex on the brain!

BPB

rm_Now_N_Zen 54M
82 posts
7/14/2006 1:33 pm

If after exchanging emails you are interested enough to continue, phone calls are the best next step as sexxikritter pointed out but I would add,

Get a disposable cell phone, they are cheap insurance policies if you make a mistake and give the number to the "wrong" person... it's back to walmart and a brand new phone.

First meeting should be in a Public Place! I have broken this rule only once and we had talked for hours at a time nearly daily for weeks before meeting.

Let someone know what you're doing! If you can't tell a friend, someone you work with or a neighbor about what your plans are then write it down! All the info you have, the web site, the handle, phone number, location you're meeting and any other info you have picked up from them. Seal it in an envelope and tell them if you don't call or contact them in some way to open it and call the police... A word of warning here, don't set a unreasonably short contact time, better to say if I don't get in touch with you tomorrow open this then if I don't call by 8:15pm (you might be having a really good time and forget to call until after the police report is filled out

Trust your gut feeling! If something doesn't feel quite right it's not worth the risk for a one on one meet!

I have met many friends and an amazing lover through this site, I have had a few nightmare meetings (the "divorced" woman who brought her husband to meet me because he just wanted to watch! the woman who was so excited about her new nipple piercings that she had to play with them continuously, much to the amusement of the wait staff...)
A little bit of caution and common sense will keep you safe and happy!


expatbrit49 62M

7/14/2006 1:57 pm

Oh how could you confuse the poor woman like that... in future just direct all of them to me and insure them that that they will be safe and really happy

Thank You for Your Time and Attention


digdug41 49M

7/14/2006 2:11 pm

I dont know I am a teddy bear and my first goal isnt to jump yer bones I never write sexually suggestive e-mails to any of the ladies I fancy but it never fails I dont get responses so i dont write any more only to other bloggers

roaming the cyber streets of blogland


spacecadet561 59M

7/14/2006 3:27 pm

This should be required reading for everyone. I may just post a link in my blog, not that I get much traffic.

SpaceCadetù


spacecadet561 59M

7/14/2006 3:47 pm

This should be required reading for everyone. I just posted a link in my blog, not that I get much traffic, but if it spares one person who misses it here it's worth it.

SpaceCadetù


ProtonicMan 47M

7/14/2006 5:38 pm

Hi, BPB.

I thought this was a really good post. Good advice all around, and I learned more than a few new things. Kudos to the previous commenters.

I'll add one thought. In Blogland it goes without saying, but...
Check out the guys (or gals) who have blogs. If he/she does, there's a good chance you'll get to know his/her personality and a good feel for a match. This can help before progressing on to phone calls, e-mails, or meeting.

Of course, it all depends on what you are looking for.

TJ


JudeL5 46M
1535 posts
7/14/2006 7:02 pm

I suggest you be absolutely honest about potential...

I agree. Pretending to try and be what you think another person wants you to be, ends up being a vicious circle of "smoke and mirrors". At the least, neither person will get what they really want. At the worst, it is manipulating someone else to get what YOU want. If someone isn't comfortable with who they are... I think that's something they need to sort out first.


barbiebunny 36F
5597 posts
7/15/2006 1:21 am

My Pal SInderlicious started s group on here called affbootcamp101. Its a good place with a lot of helpful vets to get ya in the know is what I can advise and use personal safety common sense.

Its good to be...ME


bipolybabe replies on 7/23/2006 10:44 pm:
How do I find "groups" like affbootcamp101 and join?

BPB

rm_Kissmystuff 61F
1435 posts
7/15/2006 9:03 am

I like that fact that men out number us women 10 to one..makes it easier to plan for my harem.

But on a more serious note..it seems that many of the men don't really read what is in a woman's profile. Or if they do..they're very selective in what they pick up on.

I suggest that a woman get to know a man through his emails..first..then phone conversations. Make sure he is..who he claims to be. Then if she decides she wants to meet him..meet first in a public place..preferably with a friend along.

You can never be too careful.

But..don't forget..there are some crazy women out there also..so men should be wary as well.

Kiss

Kiss


VenusDiaries 62M
867 posts
7/15/2006 11:16 am

You realize that you could become a cult celebrity figure with your advice. Awesome parameters for book material. AdultFriendFinder for Dummies. Enjoy your post and the way your mind thinks regarding multiplicity in relationships.


VenusDiaries 62M
867 posts
7/15/2006 11:19 am

    Quoting TonyPlays:
    I think it's a tough call. It's even tough for men. How do I know if some chick isn't a psycho bitch?

    My guess is that the more you know about a person the better chance you will have of not getting into an out of control situation.

    You've heard the saying "Drink responsibly"? Well "Date Responsibly" too.
It is too bad there is not a test or checkoff system for psycho.

Background check
D/D check
Psycho check


xdancer 60F

7/15/2006 1:40 pm

Hi, I read your blog and have been on the site for awhile. But I am still trying to read and weed. I have only meet (in person) 6 men and 1 women from this site. In person I'm not shy- except when I meet someone new. So after the emails, and think I would like to meet this person. I will try to meet them somewhere that is public and open. Maybe to play pool, have a drink and talk. But some people when you get to this point, quit writing. Or they want you to meet on this date, which you email that you can't make it, and they don't contact you again.? I am still trying to learn and understand this site, and how to make MY life easier and more fun. Someday maybe I will get it. Or I will ask you (Bipolybabe) to teach me.


foskidz 51M
3 posts
7/18/2006 11:37 pm

As usual BPB your writings are incredible, please never stop.


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