Just Friends with Benefits? Is it possible?  

bipolybabe 55F
10715 posts
7/24/2006 10:33 am

Last Read:
7/30/2006 8:29 am

Just Friends with Benefits? Is it possible?

I got an interesting email from a guy who is discussing an open or "poly" relationship with his wife as he travels for work Monday to Friday. His wife says she can have a purely sexual relationship with a FWB (Friend with Benefits) or “fuck buddy” and have it be "just sex." It's exciting to me to hear about people negotiating honestly the terms of their relationship agreements. (See What is Poly or Polyamory?)

So, traveling guy wonders if, based on my experience, a woman can have sex and not fall in love and not have a sexual relationship with someone else interfere in their marriage.

It’s conventional wisdom that women prefer to be in love in order to fully enjoy sex. That’s not my personal experience, but I’m curious about whether it holds true for you. I wrote about this in [post 265361] when I discovered I could fully enjoy sex without being in love or even in a relationship beyond FWB. Since then, well, I'll tell you inside.

So, my question for you is...

Is it possible for a woman to have an ongoing sexual relationship with someone she likes, enjoy the sex and not fall in love? Why or why not?

Is that same scenario easier for a man? Why or why not?

© 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe


Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!

bipolybabe 55F

7/24/2006 10:41 am

I discovered for myself that I could find sex just for the sake of sex to be really fun which I wrote about in [post 265361]. I like the Friends with Benefits concept because I don't feel I'm lacking love in my life. I've got kids, friends, a cat who adores me. (Yeah, really, he does! )

So, I decided to move in with a Roommate with Benefits, the man I call in jest my LIP (live-in penis) in order to have easier access to sex. What I discovered is that seeing this man, someone I like and respect as a person, on a regular basis, enjoying his company and enjoying sex with him on a near-daily basis (Yes, we've slowed down a bit since the first days when we had sex four or five times a day! ), that I've fallen in love. For me that doesn't mean anything more than that I like him as a person, my heart is open to caring about his welfare and I continue to lust after him. We still have the same agreement for an open relationship and the same agreement for honesty.

I don't honestly know how this experiment will play out if it is challenged by either of us falling in love with someone else, but my expectation is that we'll just be honest about our feelings and see where that takes us.

I'll be interested to see how others respond.



Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!

AstirRelicLatah 64M
1993 posts
7/24/2006 11:06 am

Your entry got me thinking and I had to write an entry to my blog.

For me, it's possible to enjoy the sex, but rarely do I want a repeat performance. I think that having a mental connection is so important. Some would call this love. If sex is just about a physical release, I can stay at home and make myself happy. I think that sex is about sharing...........I also think that it's possible and most likely probable that you can love and lust with more than one person. It just takes extraordinary people for this to work out OK.

Greekgirl4u06 39F

7/24/2006 11:59 am

i just like having sex for the way it feels and the hopefully good outcome, i can keep my feelings out of the way easily, to me sex is sex but making love is a totally different thing, i make love with my partner and "have sex" with others......men, i think they can pretty much screw without any kind of emotional involvement.

rm_FreeLove999 46F
16127 posts
7/24/2006 12:44 pm

i haven't found it possible, but then i am pretty needy in the love department ... if i want no emotional entanglements, i can't go beyond a few meetings. i do think it's possible tho.

[blog freelove999]

rm_rover153 59M
2900 posts
7/24/2006 2:30 pm

My wife as one, could not handle that relationship with her last lover and it has lead to incredible heartbreak for both of us. When we entered into a FWB type of open relationship we both agreed that we were only "having fun" but I think the attention she recieved from her "Friend" was such that he "swept her off her feet". I think that the seriousness that either 1 or both parties feels about the relationship will determine the falling in love part. He relentlessly pursued her, flowers, inumerable phone calls, dates etc. She was a sitting duck. Then for some odd reason he gets her to tell him she loves him and he dumps her.

I think that if both parties may want it, it may happen. If both parties know the rules and don't "Try" to push it you can maintain the FWB.

totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day!

wickedeasy 67F  
26757 posts
7/24/2006 3:00 pm

yes it is possible to just have good sex and not fall in love.

my question is, once you DO fall in love, is it still possible or for that matter desireable?

i was a child of the 60's and thoroughly enjoyed the pre HIV party. but once my heart was given to someone, sex with someone else jsut never really appealed to me. the level of initmacy is so different.

just me - the old fart

You cannot conceive the many without the one.

rjmaggie 50M
730 posts
7/24/2006 4:00 pm

Agree with rover -
My wife had the same experience, although it was not the result of an open relationship. She was swept up by someone who shared her addition (gambling) and she became completely enamored with him, to the point of considering divorce. From the outside, I could see what was happening and, when the issue was forced, the other guy abandoned the relationship. As we delved into the emotions behind it all, she felt in her heart that it was "all or nothing" toward one person.

So, from my experience, it is hard for a woman to keep the feelings separate. I believe it is easier for men, but you never know when that "spark" is going to ignite something deeper.

earthShiva 59M

7/24/2006 5:26 pm

The central question really is, "How do you define love?", even if only for the intention of avoiding it! In reading the above responses, the problems all involved someone feeling needy, an addiction or someone otherwise not holding on to their own power. If love involves this type of emotional power transfer, then it would be very difficult to go into any situation with a third/fourth person with any certainty as to the outcome. This is something that you just have to know about yourself without self-deception before venturing forth. I have to give credit to the brave folks who shared their experiences here when it didn't work out.

Others, I think, limit their emotional range in secondary relationships and do not allow themselves feelings. If this keeps you safe and is okay with the other person, more power to you, but like some of the other respondents, I think a strictly physical relationship loses its charm pretty quickly. For D's and my part, we are happier putting in the work on our primary relationship that allows us to feel deeply for each other and also for our lovers. In our case it has resulted in strong emotions for our lovers, but even stronger emotions for each other. Although it was never our intention to rank our love, thus far our primary relationship has easily held its status.

rm_netlady383 54F

7/24/2006 5:38 pm

Is it possible for a woman to have an ongoing sexual relationship with someone she likes, enjoy the sex and not fall in love? Why or why not?

I have been in this position a few times and can honestly say that I liked the guys, loved the sex, walked away happily sated (welcomed back w/open arms).
My opinion is negatively biased on my own experience of being with the wrong man for 28 years...so who wants love?

rm_saintlianna 45F
15466 posts
7/24/2006 5:45 pm

I always get attached, I think its my nature, or rather it is now after all these years of being this way.

PlaynAgain 54F

7/24/2006 5:47 pm

I know it's possible for a woman to have sex without falling in love, I have and I do. There are two very important criteria, though. One, you have to be fullfilled emotionally outside of whatever relationship you have with your FWB. That doesn't necessarily mean you're in a committed relationship, just that you're content with who you are and your emotional needs are met through family, friends, pets, a lover, whatever. Two, you need to understand the difference between having sex and making love.

Making love involves everything - mind, body, soul. Just having sex doesn't mean there are no emotions involved at all (you are, after all, friends) but it's definitely more body, some mind, no soul. There's also plain out fucking, which is nothing more than mindlessly scratching an itch, but other than a once in a while thing to meet a need in a time crunch I would think that's rarely done outside of one-night stands - which by definition preclude falling in love.

If a woman - or a man - truely understands those distinctions she shouldn't have a problem "not falling in love" with a FWB.

"Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain."

absolutelynormal 56F
6563 posts
7/24/2006 6:36 pm

I think it's like this.... men are genetically programmed to spread "their seed" around. I'm not saying all men are like that but to some degree, at some point in their lives they are. Women are programmed to hang onto a provider, in case some of that seed takes root. My heart is attached to my pussy. If I am not in extreme like with him, nothing is going to happen. He can be the best looking thing ever, but I'm not going there, I have to have some sort of emotional attachment.

Iwakura16Eyes 37F

7/24/2006 6:51 pm

I see myself growing more caring towards my FWB, but definitely not loving him. Seems to me, that emotions like that, from me--towards him, would be a waste of my time. Besides--I am too busy chasing someone else that seems to flit away every bloody time. My FWB and I cheer each other on in our love lives--and we support each other... but I just dun see anything more coming into it. I'm not even worried about it, really....

so sayeth the so-called, Ice Queen....

tadpudgy 56M

7/24/2006 7:55 pm

god, i could take pages here.... i have had some passionate relationships with a few female friends. when the friendship got sexual...we expressed and lived an emotion that was there but were worried of the cost. however, the frienship made the sex "through-the-roof!" the difficult part is the time when your winding down. you now look at each other with different eyes. not easy. how do u deal with the awkwardness? i had some friends where the sex was a great part of the friendship, some who stayed friends with no more sex, and some who broke ties completely. is there a win-win?

rm_sexxikritter 52F
2715 posts
7/24/2006 8:57 pm

For myself, while it may be possible to have a FWB and not have emotions involved, that isn't the kind of relationship I want. At this point in my life, I want and need that attachment and passion.

PlaynAgain said it beautifully. "There are two very important criteria, though. One, you have to be fullfilled emotionally outside of whatever relationship you have with your FWB....Two, you need to understand the difference between having sex and making love."
If and when I find myself in a commited, fulfilling relationship, I may well want to explore the sex without attachments arrangements.

When I was younger, I had indiscriminate sexual encounters but the problem was that after a few times, I always became attached, looking for that ever elusive committed relationship. Perhaps when I find that, I may be willing to once again experiment in FWB or NSA sex.

crazygurl2xx 57F

7/25/2006 1:40 pm

yes, it is possible. i have had that with a young man that i would meet regularly and there was nothing between us except The Most Incredible Sex.. he was otherwise completely unsuitable for a relationship with me. sure, we got along to an extent, but it was THE SEX, and that was it.

now that i have been in a relationship with one guy, that other guy is out although i could go on fucking him endlessly with no emotional entanglement. we only click in bed...

bipolybabe 55F

7/25/2006 2:23 pm

has written an interesting blog on her process of thinking through what kinds of relationships she and her husband will have here: The Psychology of Polyamory.


Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!

ProtonicMan 48M

7/25/2006 5:52 pm

I was very seriously involved with my previous partners, and up until a couple of months ago, I wouldn't have thought it was possible for me. Then I met my FWB.

I'm enjoying the diversion very much. We very much appreciate the other's talents, but the chemistry isn't there for a love relationship. We're good friends, but I doubt anything like a marriage or long-term commitment would work. We have a good thing going, and I'm going to enjoy this ride as long as it lasts.

However, I still long for the intimacy that comes from sex with a partner you love deeply. I hope to find that again soon.


ella1966 50F
1528 posts
7/26/2006 7:09 pm

God, this is such a complex situation for a complex person like me and please bear with me as I am in tears as I am typing this and like the poster above, I could go on and on.......on the one hand I am writing about the passion I felt for a man who I only met "online", ie "D", who "dumped" me, once my email showed a sign of being "needy" or "possessive" and I have had to resign myself to the fact that it was just a fantasy and I got too carried away, but then there is the fact that I don't want to make love with my husband, I feel no lust, desire and never really have in 15 and a half years of marriage, and I am like a "madonna" to him (the "madonna-whore" complex has been written about widely) and he states he gets the greatest pleasure out of cuddling me in bed, - we can cuddle for hours, and we do kiss, and he just goes to sleep in my arms, but there are no "sparks of passion"...yet years ago, I therapist told me that any "penis" can arouse a woman enough to want to have sex with it, there doesn't have to be anything "special" about the penis, great sex can just be great mechanics, and practiced technique kinda thing....Anyway this morning when my husband bent down to retrieve my shoes from under the bed, in a bedroom which hasn't been cleaned for years, looks like a dump and is full of stuff, I realised how much I loved him, it is him that is caring for me and is concerned about me, not some mystery man busy getting off on webcam or bored yet again with a new wife, or whatever the fuck he does on here, and how crazy it is for me to even spare him another thought...yet my life goes on, sexually unfulfilled, sometimes feeling really horny and wanting to be made love to, sometimes I really just want to be fucked, I no children, no real or true trusted friends, no pets, I have a even more needy sister and mother which I neglect because I am so needy myself, yet I have the love of a man who loves me in spite of my confessed infidelity, who would die if I ever left him, and everyone else is on here fucking away like there is no tomorrow....I don't want any pity or sympathy, I can take care of myself, but I ask you, how does that make you feel if you were in my position...

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