Getting to "Yes": Part Two  

bipolybabe 55F
10715 posts
5/10/2006 8:20 am

Last Read:
8/3/2008 7:45 am

Getting to "Yes": Part Two


Before reading this post, please read Getting to "Yes": Part One to make sure you are asking the right woman for sex.

Now, if you believe you and she match up based on Part One of getting to yes, and you want this particular woman to say "yes" to sex or to trying a particular sex act, here are the things to ask:

"Honey, what do you need before, during and after sex to avoid being upset? What can never happen during sex? What would make you happy after sex or after we try this particular sex act?"

I did this exercise for myself about what I need and what would make me happy, and I realized that the reason I often get upset with men about sex is that I haven't given them clear enough information about what I need and what would make me happy. I also need to make sure that the man desires to meet my needs, which means I need to go more slowly than is my natural inclination. It has NOTHING to do with "the rules" about three dates before sex. That's a strategy. The right time to have sex is when both people want to, and when you believe that you can meet one another's needs.

Any time I skip asking for what I need or skip ahead without making sure this man desires to meet my needs, I get upset. My feelings get hurt. If this happens enough times, I feel bitter and used and shut down from wanting to engage with men. It's this reaction from women that I hope to defuse by being honest about what men need to think about in order to have a woman avoid being upset. I request that, in exchange for my sharing this, you agree to be honest with the woman about whether you desire, and are able, to meet her needs or not. If you're not, walk away, okay?

Now, in an attempt to make it clear and concrete for you, here's what I learned about what I need and what makes me happy to say "yes" to sexual intercourse. (NOTE: There may be additional needs for sex acts that can be challenging for women, like anal intercourse, threesomes, oral sex, etc., so it's necessary to go through this question/answer process for each sex act if you want to avoid having the woman get upset.)

What I need before having intercourse with a man the first time:

--To know his name, where he works and/or who he knows that I know so that I feel safe and comfortable with him
--To feel physically attracted to him such that I desire to see him naked and feel his body against mine and that I like his smell.
--To know that he is interested in me as a person, which means he needs to invite me to do something other than have sex.
--To have him know and accept that I am bisexual and very openly interested in sex.
--To know that he is open to doing whatever it takes to give me pleasure, whether it's using sex toys, talking about sex or taking a long time.
--To have a safe sex talk.
--Lots of kissing, gentle caressing and stroking of my body.
--Full arousal on my part, usually including some amount of G-spot massage (which means he needs to know how to arouse me that way).
--For him to at least politely go down on me. For me, it's a sign that he embraces my woman thing.
--Talk in advance about "no expectations," that whatever happens is okay, that we won't be preoccupied with his erection, orgasms or any other aspects of performance anxiety.
--He expresses desire to have this be more than a one-time event.

What I need during intercourse:

--To use a condom and lube until we decide it is safe and comfortable for both of us not to.
--For him to be able to sustain an erection even with a condom.
--Occasional eye contact so I know he knows he's with me and not some fantasy woman.

What I need immediately after intercourse:

--More caressing of my body, at least 15 minutes of snuggling against his naked body, a little chat to recap our experience.
--He picks up the trash around the bed!
--He asks me if I'd like a drink if he gets up to get himself water. This means he's paying attention to my needs as well as his own.

What I need in the days following intercourse:

--A "thank you" call or email with specific details of what he enjoyed. This lets me know he was there with me and not with some object or a fantasy woman. (I am happy to provide a reminder if necessary, because this is not a test. If a man desires to meet my needs, I am there for partnership and will do what I need to do to make it possible for him to succeed.)
--Enthusiastic request for a repeat performance.
--For him to let me know his schedule so we can set up a time to meet again soon for sex.

What can't happen during sex:

--He may not answer his cell phone unless it's his kids.
--If he comes before I do, he may not roll over and fall asleep or get up and leave without trying to give me pleasure.
--No TV and no porn during sex. Porn before is okay. Porn during, no way. Again, it's about being present with me.

What makes me happy (which is different than what I need) for having intercourse:

--If we spend HOURS in intense fucking (changing between hard, fast, slow, lazy) in a variety of positions that rev up my G-spot and send me into orbit.
--If I end with at least one clitoral orgasm before he comes.

There. When I saw this list for myself, I realized that the reason I would get upset with men is if I didn't tell them what I needed and what would make me happy. If I didn't share the information, they would have no way to satisfy me. Now, the responsibility men have is to see what a woman needs to avoid being upset and to say "no, thank you" if you don't believe you can provide it. By saying "no, thank you," and walking away, you will be doing a huge part in ending the war between men and women.

Think about it. You want to win. You want to be successful in providing for a woman. If you know in your heart you can't meet her needs or you don't want to (say she only wants to have intercourse in a committed relationship and you're not ready for commitment), you should just say "no" to sex and look for a woman whose needs you are able and willing to meet. That way she is also free to look for the man who is able and willing to meet her needs and she doesn't feel like you took from her or you stole sex under false pretenses.

So, let's be honest with one another, realize that there are tons of people in the world and many will want to have sex with you. And let's agree only have sex with those with whom we have a chance to get our needs met, okay?

(c) 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe

BPB

Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!



CuriousGeroge2 60M
38 posts
5/10/2006 4:34 pm

BPB,

You started out with this problem statement:

"In response to my desire to help ProtonicMan with his problem of being underlaid, I offer the following piece of information."

But you ended up concluding:

"Now, the responsibility men have is to see what a woman needs to avoid being upset and to say "no, thank you" if you don't believe you can provide it. By saying "no, thank you," and walking away, you will be doing a huge part in ending the war between men and women."

So the answer of how to get laid more is to quiz the woman with questions that MOST women who are not as open about sex as you WILL NOT PROVIDE, then reject all those whose goals don't exactly match yours?

I think your method will result in the best relationships, but I can't for the life of me see how it will get a guy laid more!

Curious

PS Almost every women I've ever asked in my entire life to tell me what she wants in bed, just says something like "what you have been doing is just great". For a guy looking to improve, that is just not helpful!


bipolybabe replies on 5/11/2006 1:58 am:
Actually, in Part 1, I suggested that you put EXACTLY what you are looking for in your profile without holding back (not that you quiz women endlessly about what they want).

Women are still in the choosing role so you need to approach and try to attract them.

Let's say that because you've just come out of a long-term relationship with little or no sex, you are curious about what it would be like to be with a variety of women. Let's say you know in your heart that at this moment, you are only looking for a sexual partner with no strings attached. Let's say you're willing to offer weekly back massages and that you'd like to offer G-spot massages to a woman who is willing to have intercourse with you. So, say it straight out before you even meet. Let the woman judge whether that's for her.

Maybe the woman you approach with a friendly email knows she is ultimately looking for a "serious relationship that leads to marriage," but she likes the idea of getting a back massage and her sexual needs met in the meantime. Everybody's happy. Women can hold the space for sex and enjoying it even without it meeting their ultimate goal as long as you're honest about it.

It's an experiment in radical honesty. How well has what we've been doing...holding back and not telling the whole truth about what we're looking for...worked for us? That's what has gotten us into this mess, men and women trying to be strategic to get their needs met.

Now, the email to attract her attention still needs to be compelling and demonstrate the humor and tenderness ProtonicMan is capable of, but my guess is that radical honesty will net him more babes than hedging his bets and not telling the whole story. And, I think he's actually looking for a relationship that's more than just sex, and I'm quite sure there are women who want that. I think he might have more success finding them on other sites, so we'll keep testing until we find the right location for the kind of relationship he seeks.

And, if the women are nervous, tell them you're experimenting with a radical approach. Send them to read my blog. Let's figure this thing out in the best interests of all concerned.

ProtonicMan 48M

5/10/2006 6:38 pm

Thank you for the thoughts, BPB. I will definitely ponder these as I make my way out into that cold, cruel, lonely world. Oh, whoops. Wrong door. That's the one I'm leaving behind.

Let me try that again...

I will definitely ponder these as I make my way out into that exciting new world filled with lovely women who are as eager to share themselves with me as I am to give them the sexual pleasure they have been craving.

---------

And a thought for Curious, regarding his PS:

It strikes me that those women have not had enough varying experiences to know what the options are, let alone what they like or want more. If you take an invalid to a buffet and bring them a plate with fried chicken, peas, and mashed potatoes with gravy, how are they going to know that they really prefer prime rib, corn, and rice if they don't know that they exist and have never tried them?

If you do your research, and gently explore and experiment with women, I think you can offer them more choices.

TJ


bipolybabe replies on 5/11/2006 2:02 am:
I second your suggestion of "gently exploring" with women.

I believe men can do a lot to give women permission to say what they desire. It takes giving them some tools like this:

The way I'm licking you, on a scale of one to 10, 10 being waaaay to fast, how would you rate it and where would you like it to be?

The way I'm massaging your G-spot...how strong is it and what would you like it to be?

Imagining your yoni like a clock, how do you like the pressure at 3 o'clock, o'clock, etc?

Otherwise, women will seek to please you by saying nothing or by saying "It's lovely, dear." But, if you ask for details to confirm that it's working, you will assure her you really want to know and you're not just looking to have her buff your ego.

velvethandsNZ 68M

5/11/2006 1:48 pm

SO many things that were the 'secrets' of us older men you are giving away! Shame on you PMSL!

You really are doing the battle of the sexes a great service with your recent posts - good on yer! Sex and sensuality should be a required course in school when you hit your final year - but of course society is too fucked up to ever allow such a thing. So instead of taking the benefits of the learning many have done over the years each adolescent sets out on a journey of new discovery and succeeds or fails based on the experiences they are able to achieve. SAD

I hope thousands of the youung people on AdultFriendFinder are reading your blog - but I fear they may not be, so I encourage you to post parts one and two of this series as an article in the 'magazine' section of the site. Not only will you earn valuable points for your account, you will be doing thousands, if not tens of thousands, of people a BIG favout

Love long & Prosper


rm_galileopan 61M
45 posts
5/11/2006 9:36 pm

Those are pretty much the things I try to do. In my case, I'd change:
"To know that he is open to doing whatever it takes to give me pleasure, whether it's using sex toys, talking about sex or taking a long time." to "not just open, but enthusiastic, turned on, and completely committed to doing...". I find that this one and a few others on your list are rare coming back in the other direction too.

Having the kind of relationship where you can both express your needs and desires, meet each others' needs and desires joyfully, and you're hot as hell for each other, is the best thing in the world.

In my experience, you're right about "getting to yes" -- my experience is abundance even though I'm neither Tom Cruise nor a billionaire, and I get essentially 100% repeat "yes" too.


rm_hermes421 66M
4 posts
5/13/2006 9:21 pm

i have been remiss in my attention in such things at times, and that includes asking that simple opening question. ah, but i continue to learn, where one can be perceived as being insensitive to the others needs, where the actions did not have that intent/purpose.
one thing that i have experienced is the failure to attract, notably with a dose of levity [if warranted] and recognition that its not just the prospect of sex that is compelling about this person in an email.
one thing about the process for the "yes" is that feed back from the woman is lacking, and the "why not" is left for speculation. its just a tad complicated at times.
i do so believe both should be happy with what happens.


rm_hr69too 60M
2 posts
6/5/2006 6:57 am

I think you are right about what a woman wants; especially that she wants your undivided attention. I also agree that you have to have some connection to have sex with someone, especially now (safe sex). You have to have some trust and attraction to have sex or you might just as well have a blow-up doll to get off.


Steel_Legs 59M/F

6/12/2006 3:55 pm

Oh great, another female "sexpert" selling the myth that women don't really, (take your choice) like, want, need, desire, etc. sex as much as men, so its up to men to convince, cajole, sell, plead or whatever it takes to get a woman to be "willing" to have sex with him. What a crock.

I'm sure you are a wonderful person and genuinely believe what you're espousing, but I seriously believe any man who listens to you and makes your teachings a part of his sexual personality will be very lucky to ever get laid again. Unless it is by someone who wants to turn him into a sex slave or eunich.


bipolybabe replies on 6/13/2006 1:17 pm:
I am afraid you misread me, sir.

I am quite openly interested in fucking. I make no bones about it.

What I realized is that I need to be equally upfront about what would keep me from being upset after having sex. For example, I assumed a gentleman would know that a lady enjoys a post-coital thank-you call. In most cases, I was mistaken.

With each time I've been upset, I've gotten clearer about what I need in order to fully enjoy myself. And then I practice those things.

We all learn by trial and error. I'm merely trying to inform others so they could learn from my errors.

And, by the way, how's your interest in becoming a eunuch or sex slave? What would it take for you to avoid becoming upset about becoming a eunuch?

BiPolyBabe

Steel_Legs 59M/F

6/13/2006 9:16 pm

Expecting a phone call, note, card or e-mail from a 1st time lover, or a glass of water when he gets up to get his own is a long way from expecting, (or even hoping) a lover will postpone his ultimate enjoyment of sex while he spends hours and days bringing you to a higher and higher state of arrousal.

I certainly did not intend to attack you personally. I guess this just goes to show that you cannot accept criticism of your thoughts, ideas, or beliefs without attacking the critic.

BTW, if I was your man I would slap you on the ass and tell you to start comning faster, right fucking now. And you know what? You would, because underneath all your BS you're just another scared, weak and lonley female searching desparately for a man who is unafraid of being a man.

PS - Just to be clear, I wrote that last paragraph in complete and total jest. Maybe it wasn't funny to you, but it was funny to me, and every once in while, it just has to be about me. I wrote in my original piece that "I am sure you are a wonderful person", because I believe that is true. Your tone and language are very considerate and thoughtful. The committment to what you are teaching is obvious in the energy your words create. I appreciate your posts and will continue to read them, although I may not agree with them all.

All the best,

Eunuch in waiting...

Steel


bipolybabe replies on 6/29/2006 12:04 am:
Your line about what a wonderful person I am reads more like sarcasm.

I'm not concerned about someone disagreeing with me. I just want to make sure that we're in disagreement and that there is not some misunderstanding.

And, I have been searching for a man who is unafraid of being a man, not because I'm scared, weak or lonely but because I love fucking. It's more fun with a partner than by myself.

I'm interested in lots of aspects of sex, not afraid to experiment and not afraid to be wrong.

And, I love to be spanked,

BPB

Steel_Legs 59M/F

7/1/2006 10:10 pm

BPB - In your first response you stated that I "misread you", now you are assigning intent to my words, (really are a wonderful person) as
"reading like sarcasm." I don't know how you could possibly know that, but if that's the way you feel, I won't try to change your mind.

I allowed my ego to overstep my knowledge in my first post, and for that I am sorry.

All the best in your search for fulfillment.

Steel

PS - Posting your response to me in my blog, (when my post was to a thread in your blog) seemed like an insult. Was your intent to let me know how insignificant, uninspired, unworthy you found my posts? If so, at least have the decency to read them and frame your response around them, as I did with my response in your blog.


nightis 53M

7/6/2006 6:38 am

Well, all I have to say is duh?! These are the unspoken expectations that all men should be meeting. It is also good that most men by their sure selfish or inattentive nature don't meet them. This has added benefits for me. More dates and exciting adventures with women that appreciate who I am and what I bring them.

As for the ladies, I am an awfully good shopper. Only once in a year and a half have I been totally bamboozled by a fake (or near fake) on AdultFriendFinder. Otherwise, we chatted, met and ultimately enjoyed each other's sexual company.


dudeabouttown13 62M

8/5/2006 2:04 pm

this artical boosts my confidence, I'm a conciderate lover by your standards, how ever this is construed as a love sap, and has not worked will for me. other guy's wifes love me, but the singles I could never figure out. P.s. I don't do wifes, unless husband give's the go ahead.


rm_B_O_H_I_C_A 53M
342 posts
8/21/2006 3:20 am

I truly do wish more were honest with what they wanted/needed. I was blessed to have a "Mrs. Robinson" who took the time and made the effort to enlighten me to what was what and how things worked. I've had a lot of very good teachers, and every last one of them said exactly what they wanted when they wanted it. By doing that, it made it so much easier for me to give them exactly what they wanted.
Silly question: Why don't more women understand how much pleasure they could achieve if they just told us what they wanted? Sometimes body language is misunderstood and we don't alays know whether today is a "nibble my nipples gently" day or a "bite really freaking hard" day...


Artimus4U 55F

9/6/2006 7:37 pm

Bipoly,

What a great write up on how to you get your needs met! And how to help a partner set their needs.

Men.. you need to create that " list of needs too". If you explore what it is that you want and then chase around only with those that can provide it.. .you spend a heck of a lot less time.

Really intriguing... thanks - Artimus

-rtimus
Bard of Norcal


JaggyKiltsDrain 44M
45 posts
9/16/2006 10:57 pm

I find PolyBabe to be right on. When my wife got home I read it to her. On a couple of occasions, she interrupted me only to say what Poly was about to say anyways. How about that for being right on?! I'm again glad for a female to share some of the "girlie's handbook" with us guys.

Though I do believe you will get less "conquests" for sure, I also believe the quality will be much better. Personally, I enjoy the act of sex way more when I know the person I am having sex with is enjoying it. Her pleasure is like an aphrodisiac for me.
And if word of mouth has an effect, weather you do or not follow her advice will help or hurt you.


bipolybabe replies on 10/19/2006 8:08 pm:
Great! I'm so happy to hear both that your wife agreed with what I had to say and that you were discussing it with her.

BPB

How's your success been anyway?

1softhandz 49M

10/18/2006 4:05 pm

I should ask you to critique my profile and see what I'm doing wrong. I don't seem to make any headway and I'm running out of ideas and the desire to continue trying.


bipolybabe replies on 10/19/2006 8:10 pm:
I don't think the problem is what you're saying in your profile necessarily, but it would take about a 1/2 hour phone conversation to figure out why AdultFriendFinder isn't working well for you.

Would you be willing to let me ask you some questions and write about it for my blog?

BPB

1softhandz 49M

10/21/2006 11:51 am

Sure!
I've emailed you with my messenger addrs. We can chat and try to figure something out.


Fungrog 48M/52F

10/24/2006 9:35 am

YEAY !! Sex Education for Sexual adults!!! Keep it coming.
It's all a learning process. This is too good! xo


rm_pearlstory06 52M
179 posts
12/5/2006 3:02 am

hey do u listen sometimes erotic story during intercourse. My wife is used to do such things. Cud u tell me, why it happens.


bipolybabe replies on 12/11/2006 10:44 pm:
Telling or listening to an erotic story is great.

I think, when we're accustomed to our partners, it's one of the ways that we get to venture out without threatening our relationship. It provides sexual variety without damaging the primary relationship.

Sounds good to me!

BPB

rm_pearlstory06 52M
179 posts
12/13/2006 2:27 am

Hi,thanx for your reply. Do u feel,during intercourse with wife or girl friend, thinking or telling an erotic story with mostly twins or mom-daughter is healthy.


rm_pearlstory06 52M
179 posts
12/16/2006 2:29 am

Can I get some chance or clue to go out. Hoping to hear.


smartasswoman 59F  
25701 posts
1/13/2007 5:09 pm

These are great. I especially like the one "should be able to sustain an erection even with a condom". Have been disappointed on that front, a few times


ProwlAcidsHosed 60M
16 posts
2/11/2007 11:54 pm

You make this sound like it is some kind of secret.
I guess to some, this is a revaluation.
On this web site, you always have to state the obvious.
As far as condoms, I being uncircumcised, I fine that condoms cuts down the sensitivity so I last longer.


bipolybabe replies on 2/12/2007 7:22 am:
I think most of us have never thought of these issues in advance. This is even more true for sexual activities that can be challenging or a little scary like anal sex, a threesome or BDSM.

I wasn't even conscious of how many "needs" I have before, during and after sex until I did this exercise and realized the times I'd been upset.

I realized that a number one thing for me is that if a guy doesn't call or email the day after, I'm disappointed and upset. And I wasn't stating these things. I assumed it was common courtesty, but I've since learned that it's important to state my expectations and not to use it as a test.

BPB

ProwlAcidsHosed 60M
16 posts
2/12/2007 3:40 pm

Calling the next day is a better sign of connection then being just a piece of ass. I think it is a good test of a person's common courtesy. Maybe in that way, I am a little old fashion. I do believe in being equal, but I still open the door for others.
Also, some people may think that it make them seem "needy", so they wait. O, the games we play!!

JC


Gentle100plus 61M
394 posts
3/1/2007 4:35 pm

I have been doing most of these things since I was 22 yrs old with my lovers.... I discovered most of these in my own journey as well..... yours are much better stated.... when will you publish your complete book of relationship advice????


bipolybabe replies on 3/1/2007 6:42 pm:
Still working on the book about my own journey of sexploration.

Most of the "how to" stuff I know is already available for free here on my blog.

BPB

Riggertoo 50M

6/17/2007 11:31 am

    Quoting 1softhandz:
    I should ask you to critique my profile and see what I'm doing wrong. I don't seem to make any headway and I'm running out of ideas and the desire to continue trying.
me too although I'm learning soo much from your blog & the thyoughtful guide that you've put out that my questions and your comments will be much more intelligent and worhtwhile to me after having read your wonderful work.
Peace
Rig

Peace & Lust Be with You All
riggertoo
PS: please check out my blog riggertoo
I Hope you'll like it

The Only Stupid Question is the Unasked Question.


rm_txirita 51M
1 post
3/29/2008 1:52 pm

Lot of kisses for you.That,s my answer, all that you want.What about a nice holiday in Spain, do you know it


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