Gettin' Over My Own Damn Self  

bipolybabe 55F
10715 posts
9/6/2006 2:21 pm

Last Read:
9/18/2006 1:50 pm

Gettin' Over My Own Damn Self


Living in "the real world" where people show up for work, take their kids to soccer and pay their bills on time is boring.

But, you know, boring sounds really good right now. Emotionally, I've just crashed and burned after the adrenaline high of a dramatic end to a love affair and a wild time last weekend at Burning Man. (See Fear No Penis...at Burning Man and Riding the Orgasma-Tron...at Burning Man)

Today my therapist diagnosed me as Borderline Personality Disorder. The last time a doctor diagnosed me as having atypical asthma, I decided it sounded awful and I wasn't having any of it. My post-nasal drip dried up. I stopped coughing and waking myself up at night. It simply went away because I hate to be told I'm unwell.

Same thing with BPD. I read up on it online:

* impulsivity--check
* tendency toward depression--check
* controlling anger--fuck you if you think so!
* narcissism--well, it really is all about me...
* self-destructive behaviors like overeating, overdrinking or overthinking--check, check, check
* hair pulling or self-mutilation--ouch! nope.
* tendency to read too many self help books--I just made that one up, but it's probably true of BPD, certainly true of me.
* oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection or abandonment--uh huh.
* fear of abandonment leads to loss of loving relationships--double check
* sexually promiscuous--a slut--oh, yeah! (see S L U T...What's that spell?)
* feels empty inside--check
* continuing sense of doubt about self-worth--yep, a great big yawning void that cries to be filled over and over and over with more excitement, more drama, more sex, more everything.

So, basically, I fit that description and so do six million other Americans. Oh, and Princess Di was supposedly BPD.

But, you know, reading this list and realizing that I choose this stuff, I've decided to get off it and get over my own damn self. Maybe I don't have to lead a more colorful, more exciting life than everyone else just to prove to the nasty little voice inside me that I'm extraordinary.

My therapist is pretty cool. He let me be the doctor today while he played patient. I told him I thought my patient should just keep careening from one dramatic disaster to the next because it looked like he enjoyed it. We both laughed about that one. He thinks I'm really annoying because I'm both too smart and too stuck in my own shit.

So, I'm getting over my own damn self and getting on with living in the boring old world of showing up on time, eating healthy foods, exercising and moving more slowly to find a partner who is at least as healthy as I (maybe I need to got to BPD Anonymous Meetings so I can meet my twin and who thinks my personal blend of weirdness is really fabulous.

What are things you've realized about yourself that made you laugh at your own blindness or stupidity?

(c) 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe

BPB

Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!



IamWetFire 52F

9/6/2006 3:05 pm

BPB

When I realized that the world would not come crashing to a stop if I accepted help or admitted weakness. That was a great moment. I don't think I'm quite ready to laugh at that yet, but I was pretty stupid about getting help around the house after my back injury. Having someone who comes in twice a month to do the heavy lifting. . .and just to gossip with about our various "man-misadventures" online has been a life-changing experience.

Oh, God. . .here I go being pretentious again, but it's my malfunction. Compulsive-Pretentiousness-Personality-Disorder! That's one for the DSM-IV

I minored in psych in college. The one thing that sticks in my mind about BPD is that my professor called it "Fatal Attraction" disorder. Yikes! We all had to rent that film and see the stuff Glenn Close did and then discuss it in class. Again: YIKES. My ex--Toad of Darkness--has BPD (as well as Narcissistic PD).

It can get a bit strange at times, but nothing you can't handle! I love how you always find a way to draw humor from these things in your life, no matter how painful. It shows amazing strength!

And I wish I'd thought of turning the tables on a couple of my therapists. But, then again, I was lucky never to have the "so how does that make you feel" sort anyway!



Fire


rm_Kingcat4U2 65M
2799 posts
9/6/2006 3:24 pm

Borderline Personality Disorder?
Is that the same thing as...
Boring Person Disorder?

And really, how do you get over
yourself? Do you tell yourself
"Self, you no longer the important
person I used to think you was,
so we all over you now!"

Self help books are great. As
long as you realize that the guy
writing it probably hasn't done
all the crap he's telling you to
do plus, his real motivation is
HE WANTS YOUR MONEY!

feels empty inside...when you
figure that one out, everything
will fall into place.

What are things you realized....?

That my happiness depends on me. Other
people can increase it or decrease it to
a point, But it's how I feel about myself
that counts.

PS Doesn't it get to be exhausting after
awhile being more thrilling, more cool,
more advant guard than everyone else?


spacecadet561 60M

9/6/2006 5:07 pm

I may be very smart, but often am more of a smart-aleck. I have a tendency to phrase questions so obliquely that I get more blank stares than answers.

SpaceCadetรน


lostmydrinkagain 44F
2272 posts
9/6/2006 7:40 pm

My perfect sister in law gave me a book on BPD about six months ago, she thought I might be able to relate to it. It's dusty.


DiscreetDelights 50F

9/6/2006 8:24 pm

That the one thing I've been searching for my entire life was right before my eyes. So much wasted time...

My first time visiting - GREAT blog.

- DT


MOfunNOWWOW 55F

9/6/2006 10:21 pm

Fear of committment


MOMO
just a squirrel trying to get a nut


earthShiva 59M

9/6/2006 10:28 pm

Several good psychiatrists I know would debate the very existence of BPD. Its inclusion in DSM-IV was not without controversy. If you wanted to look at an alternate approach, consider it a 3rd Chakra problem. Try some ab training, and see if it doesn't make a difference.

I get the biggest laugh out of myself when I find myself trying to be in control. We are way to small for control to be more than a mere illusion.


ideafilter 37M

9/6/2006 11:58 pm

Well said. You know, the beauty of getting over ones self is that it finally allows you to really be yourself.


rm_FreeLove999 46F
16127 posts
9/7/2006 4:25 am

don't we all crave a life less ordinary?? i know it is a major motivator for me in the choices i make.



[blog freelove999]


rm_The_joker62
315 posts
9/7/2006 8:13 am

Add must be center of attention and you have named me BPD nahh just your run of the mill Psycho


rm_The_joker62
315 posts
9/7/2006 8:14 am

Add must be center of attention and you have named me BPD nahh just your run of the mill Crazy man


economickrisis 55M

9/8/2006 5:29 am

Dammit woman. Get out of therapy and drink more beer. All problems can be solved that way


wickedeasy 67F  
26843 posts
9/8/2006 6:59 am

thinking i could control ...........anything

and hell, being borderline sounds like way more fun than being normal - yanno?

You cannot conceive the many without the one.


cactusass 55F

9/8/2006 1:25 pm

i did the shrink thing for a number of years do to depression. also in trying to get a correct diagnosis for my young son at the time, who was diagnosed witrh freakin' tourrets of all things. he does not have tourretes, he has cornelia de lange syndrome. where the doc got the tourettes from i dunno. seems she diagnosed a lot of folks woth that, she was trying to make a name for hereself in the field. i was gonna sue her ass after she put my 5 year old on so many drugs, he was in the childrens hospital for a month!!! so many labels are thrown around. shrinks like to have a name for everything, geez your right!!! half the damn people in the world have bpd if you go by your doc's interpretation. i'd do a bit more research on your own if ya can and maybe ask for a second opinion.

jmho peace.


bipolybabe replies on 9/18/2006 1:47 pm:
Thank you. I did check the next week to find out if my therapist meant that I had Borderline Personality Disorder, and he laughed.

He said he thinks I'm attracted to "Borderlines" and want to try to save them.

BPB

sophia4u2no 49F

9/8/2006 8:07 pm

Hi, i know you are a professional, so I would ask you to answer a question i posted, Is possible to teach someone to have class, and/or self respect? Can you unlearn a learned behaviour? The whole story is posted on my blog, if you have time I would be most appreciative, or , just an answer to what i've written here might give me a direction to take with my newly acquired "wards" if you will....Thank you in advance for your time. Sophie


SensuousWoman3 55F
3106 posts
9/9/2006 2:21 am

My therapist is pretty cool. He let me be the doctor today while he played patient. I told him I thought my patient should just keep careening from one dramatic disaster to the next because it looked like he enjoyed it. We both laughed about that one. He thinks I'm really annoying because I'm both too smart and too stuck in my own shit.

That is hilarious! I love that! I bet you $1,000 you are one of your therapist’s most favorite clients. He sounds great.

When I was poor and in college and on the late, late program, I once told a flunky therapist at the sliding scale clinic whose clothes were habitually wrinkled, her hair unkempt, and her shoes run down to the point her baby toes jutted out the side seams, that she was not “cognitively complex” enough to deal with me. On another occasion I told her that the real problem in this dyad was that fact that she was co-dependent upon me and what she perceived as my lack of progress---which was primarily a grief response when my father died suddenly and unexpectedly. I told her she felt inadequate because she couldn’t “cure” me and had unrealistic expectations about her therapeutic ability, as the only thing that could heal me was time and the passage thereof.

Can you just imagine the SOAP notes she wrote in my file?

“Patient has delusions of grandeur; seems to think she is the Queen of England. Had the audacity to tell ME that I am not cognitively yada yada yada and that I am codependent upon her blah, blah, blah…. It is this flunky therapist’s recommendation that she receive a full frontal lobotomy post haste.”

This was a great post. I cannot wait to read your others.


bipolybabe replies on 9/18/2006 1:40 pm:
I love that you told your therapist she needed to get her act together.

And, yes, I'm quite sure my therapist adores me as much I do him. My friends have suggested that he should actually be paying me for bringing him such great stories of my adventures!

BPB

Khrysomallos 46F

9/11/2006 1:48 pm

What are things you've realized about yourself that made you laugh at your own blindness or stupidity?

That I get freaked out (as in anxious to the point that my heart feels like it's going to go flying out of my chest) by the mundane, typical little shit that happens: the refrigerator going out, the radiator on the car breaking, figuring out how to organize my day so that I can get the dishes done, laundry washed, yardwork finished, doctors appointments, animals to the vet, etc. all taken care of.

Yet, in my life and career I've gracefully handled years of working full time thorough college and graduate school, a career that would be the envy of most, having cancer twice (once while I was pregnant, AND not married). For twelve years, my career was basically the sort where I was the one responsible for straightening out all of the problems after everything went to shit. I had to fight everyone else's battles for them (hence my jokingly referring to my career as "professional bitch"). But I'm not capable of fighting my own little skirmishes.

I've jumped out of an airplane, but walking to the mailbox causes me such unreasonable fear because I think there's going to be something bad there. (I'm the same way with answering the telephone -- since all the bad news I've ever received in life always seemed to come via the phone.)

It makes absolutely NO SENSE!!!


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