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Celebrating Men & Sex
Celebrating Men & Sex
What did I learn last weekend in the workshop put on by PAX International on "Celebrating Men & Sex"?
Almost too much to share. It may be hard to follow if you haven't spent 14 hours with your butt in a chair in a hotel meeting room as I did, but I'm going to try to explain.
The bottom line:
I wish every woman in the world would attend this series of workshops, at least the the first two-hour one which is free.
I am convinced that the Earth would shift on its axis if we did. It would change our world by transforming how we view male-female relationships.
Currently, we've got a war on with only intermittent declarations of truce. Men and women are duking it out, and sex is the battlefield. Men want sex. Women have the place where sex happens (at least hetero sex). Men must convince women to say "yes" to sex. Women withhold sex to get their needs met.
Both men and women create strategies, try to outthink the other or manipulate the other.
What if we didn't need strategies or manipulation, and we got our needs met, and could choose to have sex whenever both of us wanted?
That is the possibility that lies before us in our current time when women are no longer dependent on male protection to survive. We now have financial independence AND reliable birth control.
Our female freedom from dependence on men doesn't mean we don't need them. It means we are free to choose to allow them to meet our needs. It's a big difference--total dependence vs. need.
I need a man to listen to me and try to understand me is quite a bit different from being dependent on him to survive. This difference means I can choose the man with whom I am most likely to be happy. Or I can choose the man who drives me out of my mind with lust and turns me into an crazy woman who can not stop dialing and leaving progressively more whiny and desperate messages. I watch myself go down this path, shake my head and wonder "What alien has invaded my body?"
The answer is "instinct." It's instinct that makes me attracted to a certain physical type of man with whom I'm likely to make great babies.
But, with knowledge (and since I've already got the baby thing out of the way), I can take a step back from instinct and choose differently because in this case instinct doesn't serve a useful purpose. It just makes me crazy. Which ultimately makes my life less fun.
I can choose not to pursue the man, the one who just looking at him, makes me salivate but who does not care about me enough to call me back. I can instead choose the one who likes me, who really likes me, whom I like and then wait for the magic of biology to kick in.
If I am attracted to a man, have sex with him, have an orgasm (or a bunch) with him, I will want to bond with him, to be attached to him in some fashion. I know from my own experience as a woman that this happens. It's the hormone oxytocin that gives us a big rush for about two to three weeks after orgasm. If the guy who gave me the orgasm doesn't call me the next day, it will hurt my feelings and I'll get upset. If he's the one who likes me and wants to meet my needs, when he calls me the next day because he'd like to see me again as soon as humanly possible, I'll be happy. Upset or happy? I get to choose.
I'm not fighting the animal part of myself. I see what the instinctual, animal part does, accept it and put it to the best possible use for creating happiness and lots of great sex, rather than a constant stream of upsets, in my life.
That is what I wish for you, too, my brothers and sisters. P.S.--There's also a workshop for men on understanding women, but since we know men don't ask for directions, it will probably take a woman forcing him to attend. Or will it?
Upset or happy? Getting sex easily or having to manipulate to get? It's your choice.
(c) 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe
Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!
5/10/2006 4:27 am
Good post, BiPoly.|
"Our female freedom from dependence on men doesn't mean we don't need them. It means we are free to choose to allow them to meet our needs. It's a big difference--total dependence vs. need."
I think I understand what you are trying to convey, but I'm having trouble with the words you wrote here. To me, dependence and need are much the same thing. I think you are saying that:
1. Women are no longer DEPENDANT on men to meet their basic NEEDS.
2. Given number 1, women can choose to ALLOW men to provide some or all of their needs.
Is that right?
"P.S.--There's also a workshop for men on understanding women, but since we know men don't ask for directions, it will probably take a woman forcing him to attend. Or will it?"
Aw, come on! TJ stopped to ask directions to your G-Spot. Don't you think he would gladly go to a workshop that would make his life with women easier, thereby getting him laid more often?
5/10/2006 6:16 pm
Of course, BPB. I don't go for manipulation. I'm all about respect, no matter what is said or what happens. If I don't respect her, her fears, her concerns, her boundaries, her desires, how can I respect myself?|
5/11/2006 1:56 pm
There are so few men or women who realize the battle waged on a daily basis. It's been engrained throughtout our society at least a couple centuries now and too ofter reduced to the oversimplified concept that men just want sex... I guarantee 95% of all men fail to ever even contemplate the forces that actually affect the amount of sex they will have in their lifetime, what really motivates their lover from withholding sex where consciously or subconsciously and the extent to which the negativity has succeeded in repressing natural urges/behavior towards sexuality of most of modern society. A great friend of mine shared an article with me not too long ago called "The War of the Sexes", which I'm sure you've read and is very consistent with your topic today. That writing was enlightening to me even though it the concepts it discussed were no all new to me. My friend told me almost everyone she shared it with had a very similar reaction in support of the article as me, some even pronounced changes in approaching relationships and/or certain situration. Our society could only be more relaxed and enjoyable if this topic were more openly discussed and ideas shared between both men and women. Thank you for posting on this topic.|
5/11/2006 2:02 pm
I apologize as I am certain to have misreferenced the article or book in my earlier post. Having limited time right now, I will try to corctly reference the author and text later today unless someone beats me to it. Have a great day! and of course I try always to stay easy going and happy!|