As Poly as I Wanna Be?  

bipolybabe 54F
10715 posts
9/7/2006 1:09 pm

Last Read:
1/12/2007 4:30 pm

As Poly as I Wanna Be?

I'm not backing down from believing that a polyamorous relationship (one in which partners practice honesty and have emotional and sexual ties to others) is possible. I have close friends who have been married for 25+ years and have a poly relationship. Each of them has other lovers but remain connected to and supportive of one another. I listen to their struggles as each person copes with jealousy and hurt feelings. Frankly, it sounds like a lot of work, the "processing" they do of their feelings.

My first experiment in a live-in poly relationship ended recently and tumultuously in a way that upset both of our lives. What I learned is that both people need to be emotionally healthy, honest about their feelings and skilled at talking about their feelings. Those things are necessary in conventional monogamous relationships and even more critical for poly because there are just a lot more feelings involved.

So, I'm not backing off from believing in polyamorosity, but I'm wondering if there's a different route to finding the love, sex and freedom that I desire. I'm wondering if building trust, a cornerstone for any relationship, requires a commitment to monogamy for at least a time.

Oh, and the other thing I've decided is that if I'm going to date (or fuck) a guy more than three times, I want to talk to his ex-wife and/or ex-girlfriend to see what she has to say about her experience of him. I could always choose to discount her experience as the voice of the "woman scorned," but it's likely that the same issues she mentions would show up in time with me. And, if he wouldn't permit me to talk to past women in his life, he's probably worried--for good reason--about what I'd learn.

I mean, what a man would learn about me from my ex-husband of 17 years would be far less scary than the things I've revealed about myself on this blog

So, what do you think? Is poly possible? In what context would it be most likely to be successful? And do you think guys who wanted more than "just sex" would be willing to let me talk to their exes?

(c) 2006 AskAphrodite aka BiPolyBabe


Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!

rappahannock_man 61M
1102 posts
9/7/2006 1:55 pm

EvilEvilKitten1 is putting out a book on polyamory.... Drop her a note and share with her....

nightis 52M

9/7/2006 2:00 pm


I am very capable of falling "in love", "caring deeply" or whatever. I completely dislike having to keep one person that I really like or care for at arms length just because the reaction to my even caring about a person is called into question. As adults, don't we have enough relationships where someone from our past shows up under the right circumstances and we fall into bed together because the spark needs just a little gasoline? I have always had people that I could contact, share a drink or two together, some memories and a laugh and giggle. I behave by not expanding those encounters into sexual experience. It that not a form of poly?

Having said all this, I am an extremely sexual and affectionate man. My best friends have always been women. The women in my life however, have had little or no tolerance for what appears to be such a lose definition of commitment.

buddhamike 105M
7006 posts
9/7/2006 2:49 pm

I think poly is possible, but would require two people without self esteem issues. As for talking to the ex's, it's a great idea. I'm on good terms with mine, and in the past my currents have always had a chance to talk to my ex's because they are still part of my life, so the meeting happens and I'm sure they compare notes when I'm not around. Then again, I suspect I'm different from most guys in this respect.
Part of it is recognizing that you share yourself with someone, they don't own you, and you don't own them.

PlaynAgain 54F

9/7/2006 3:54 pm

Any time you are just in love with one person it IS monogomy even if you have an understanding that poly is acceptable to both of you. Unless you are in love with two people right now, just focus on building the relationship and the communication with the one you have which will result in the strong foundation needed to support poly.

As far as talking to the ex, some will be okay with it and some won't - and some ex's won't want any part of it. I wouldn't read too much into it if either party isn't willing. If nothing else, what are the odds of the guy being the same person he was with them? Dramatic experiences tend to change people, and divorce/break-up is nothing if not dramatic most of the time.

"Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Artimus4U 54F

9/7/2006 4:09 pm

I think poly is possible and can work, but it depends ultimately on the people involved.

There is a hell of a lot of trust involved in a poly relationship. To be frank, most people probably cant hang with the emotional discussion and the jealousy and insecurities that arise.

It surely dosent help that to be frank, anyone involved in the poly lifestyle now are still pioneers. Its not well known, main stream and talking about your poly relationships with most of your friends or coworkers will get you strange looks if not out and outright ostracized...

I thought I could handle a swing relationship, Close friends but not "love" relationships involved. My husband cant handle sex without closer intimacy... So for now... we dropped the discussion. We dont pursue it at all.

I personally dont want to get the message someday that he decided to run off with someone else... he says he dosent plan that.. but I am not in the "trade up game". Had I wanted to stay in that game I wouldnt have married.

Of course I have a son to consider... so the poly lifestyle is in reality the ultimate in unstable... the only lifestyle more unstable is an open relationship ( which I wouldnt tolerate at all).

For you... given what I have read. I think you should hang with other poly folk for now if you want to continue that lifestyle.

I personally want one relationship that "REALLY WORKS" and not several that kinda work in different areas.

- Artimus

PS Borderline personality disorder is facinating to read about. Buy the book, "I hate you, dont leave me" ...

Bard of Norcal

spacecadet561 59M

9/7/2006 4:28 pm

Part of the trouble is that monogamy is the "norm", and everything else is judged against it. The old-fashioned married for life monogamy has largely given way in the US to what I think of as "serial monogamy", where one partner gives way to another, sometimes with a solitary interval, sometimes without. I had about 2 years from end of first girlfriend to beginning of second girlfriend, then 4 years from end of second to start of third (who has been wife for over 21 years now). My mother had 2-3 year intervals between marriages, although it looks like #3 will probably be the last.

What you seek is possible, but may not be very probable. You may want to re-examine your upbringing to see where the biases point. You may be more ambivalent at heart than you want to admit to yourself.


LTsGirl915 34F

9/7/2006 4:38 pm

You bring up interesting points, ones I don't really have answers to, but am curious to see what others think. Jersey has met and spoken to my ex, but all of his exes live on the east coast. Still he's on good terms with his exes from college (one was broken off when he went to OBC, because of the long distance thing, and another is on his myspace list, so they must get along ok.) I think you can learn a lot about someone from their friends, his friends are pretty straight-forward. As for what my exes would say, my ex-husband, and soon to be ex-husband #2 are both the "martyr" types, they want to blame the dissolution of our marriages on me, although they cheated and lied their way through them. The good thing is most people can see right through the lies, and the ones who can't aren't people I want in my life anyway. As for poly being possible, I think it is, it works for many people, but both partners have to be fully committed. Honesty is key in ANY relationship, poly or not. If Jersey and I end up lasting, we will never have a poly relationship, because it doesn't interest him, although he fulfills my needs emotionally and sexually, so I also don't feel the need with him. BTW, did you ever find out why AdultFriendFinder isn't letting emails go through? If you can't get it to work, let me know, I'll post my contact info (discreetly), and you can delete it once you copy it down.

rm_2wax 60M/50F
2 posts
9/7/2006 5:50 pm

Were in our first four months of a poly-relationship. It's very complicated.

There are many moments of heavy discussion sometimes once a week another times three or four times a week. Yep, and don't stop communicating - my bride of 15 years understands this better than I she's always in my ear making sure were okay to move forward.

If you need a break because things aren't going well, just make sure you say to your primary, Hey I need you to take a break! This could be a week or two or a month you decide.

JustACluelessGuy 56M
2139 posts
9/7/2006 5:51 pm

You would probably find out more from knowing whether he would let you talk to the ex than from talking to the ex. Maybe you should just ask him what his ex would say about him and then pay attention to what he says and how he says it. Or maybe you should just fuck him much more than three times until it doesn't matter what his ex says.

Personally, I have no problem with it. I'm sure my ex wouldn't like it though.

evil_lolita 34F

9/7/2006 6:13 pm

So, what do you think? Is poly possible? In what context would it be most likely to be successful? And do you think guys who wanted more than "just sex" would be willing to let me talk to their exes?

I think it's possible. We've been managing it for the last 2 years, and no implosions yet. It's a lot of ups and downs, and sometimes I hate it, but I love him more. Mind you, I'm not cut out to love multiple people - I just like to have sex. It burns me up sometimes that he has two emotionally fulfilling relationships, but at the same time - oh well, he has to deal with all the problems and hang-ups that come with emotionally fulfilling relationships too

I think it's most likely to be successful when both people go into it with eyes wide open, and are as emotionally honest and communicative as possible. You have to work with one another toward the same end, I guess. And I think some people are just more wired for poly than they are for monogamy, and that's going to make all the difference.

And sure, why wouldn't they? Unless they're not on good terms with their exes, and that right there should tell you sometime to begin with, right?

Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew.

Guillaume Apollinaire

Alberta Nightlife Under 40 - check it out!

TheRealThing655 48F
9558 posts
9/7/2006 7:29 pm

You raise very interesting questions...I just don't think I could handle it if I was truly in love with someone. I like what playnagain said though. I think it is a gradual stage...first playing together and then perhaps separately.
I think it is definitely something both people need to be exactly on the same page about...otherwise it leads to jealousy, etc.

rm_putt675 50M
1118 posts
9/7/2006 8:02 pm

Let me pass you the can opener.

You can use it on the can of worms sitting on the table in front of you.

For some people/relationships you might want bomb protection gear.


gooodloven2 63M
366 posts
9/7/2006 9:15 pm

Babe you have 2 kids but you only can love one of them at a time,maybe after you tell one of them to move out you can fall in love with the other one. What you can love them at the same time ,yes iknow it's not the same as you love a man /women but in many ways it is.If you were to bring home a new kid you would need to talk it over with your kids and work out how the relationships were going to change,and thay would change.all of us grow and change it is the way of life and relationships are a living thing thay do grow and change and yes can talk to all my exgirlfriends but when you do tell them i wish them all the best(the ones i still see as friends are doing well ,ones getting married )the others have gone from my life leaving behind a smile when i think of them.

rm_FreeLove999 46F
16127 posts
9/7/2006 11:51 pm

for myself it was important that my husband and i established a monogamous relationship (for 9 years) before embarking on a polyamorous course, because by then our bond was strong, our ability to communicate was excellent, but our need to just focus totally on just "us" was gone. in the early days of being with gaeb, i also felt like i wanted to ask his ex- some things (they had been engaged and she broke it off), but by now i think i pretty much get why she broke it off ... and most of those things are not of concern to me because i rely on him less than she would have if she'd married him. It took me about six months to really understand what would have driven them apart, cos he seemed to be clueless!

Poly in the strict sense of the word is only possible if parties are interested in persuing "love" relationships. That's not the situation I am actually in... I blur definitions slightly to suit myself.

[blog freelove999]

pictureunaked 56M

9/8/2006 2:19 am

As for the poly question, I can't give a meaningful answer since I haven't given it much thought. I guess I'm sort of poly since I have intimate relationships with more than one woman, but not really since none are within the bounds of "commitment." Nobody is saying "I love you..."

The question I want to address is about talking to the ees). I think that's a really bad idea. It presumes that people don't change and improve once they move on, and that a person will react to every new person the same way they did with the ex. Relationships are fluid mixtures, composed of two people interacting with each other within a set of current circumstances. Change one element and the relationship changes.

You can't treat prospective relationship partners like they're applying for a mortgage. The ex is not Equifax or Transunion. There are no forms to fill out or security deposits to collect, no escrow periods or title insurance. You've got to do your own appraisal and trust yourself to decide.

economickrisis 54M

9/8/2006 5:25 am

Of course poly is possible

You can ask my exes anything but be careful coz they will tell ya the truth

wickedeasy 66F  
25463 posts
9/8/2006 7:03 am

So, what do you think? Is poly possible?

possible but highly unlikely

In what context would it be most likely to be successful?

gee, maybe if i was braindead - no seriously, i just can't imagien handling all the processing - hard to do with one person i love let alone having to do it with 2 or more - i find the idea daunting and agree with BuddhaMike - self esteem issues will color all of it

And do you think guys who wanted more than "just sex" would be willing to let me talk to their exes?

when pigs fly

You cannot conceive the many without the one.

NakedLnch 48M

9/8/2006 9:44 am

Talking to the ex SOUNDS like an enourmously good idea. The only trick is getting passed all the garbage that you're going to hear from that person. After all, they're not together any more, so the chances of you hearing glowing things from this is like....uh, nil.

Poly possible? Anything's possible, I mean, we landed on the moon. I'd say the effort and worth are similar to that.

rm_BigBrian444 55M

9/8/2006 11:22 am

Hi, of course almost anything is possible, but it does take work. That is you have to be honest, (you mentioned that) open, and willing to share your feelings with each other and respect each others feelings.

Good luck to you, and best wishes.


IamWetFire 52F

9/8/2006 5:20 pm

I have to agree with BuddhaMike. It is possible, but the two people would have to be of such strong stuff, with unquestionable honor and integrity.

For me, I considered it a few years ago, but in the context of everyone living under one roof together as a triad-marriage. Of course Toad of Darkness didn't care for that anymore than I said I would prefer a second "husband." He prefers the "fuck everyone in sight as much as possible, then say, 'but babe. . .we're just friends. . .NOTHING ever happened."

No honor. No integrity. No more Toad!

I think I would enjoy having a sister-wife and a husband, or two husbands at this point in my life. But, see above. Monogamy amongst the triad. Absolute honor and integrity and a iron-strong faith in self. Is that even possible to find in this world these days?


warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
9/9/2006 5:06 am

From what I have seen there is a very high probability that one partner will be unable to cope with the fact that their one to one bonding, and sex does that, is compromised, whether explicitly or not. There is inevitably, a loss of "specialness." Having said that I have also learned that there are no hard and fast rules about such things ......... only real and perceived risks.

There have been a number of accounts of difficulties in polyamorous situations mentioned in Blogland, by the outsiders to the situation as well as the insiders. So it is risk-laden.

Remember too, it is not what the exes will say that matters, or is hard to cope with, but how they will say it.

warm xx

Khrysomallos 46F

9/11/2006 11:59 am

About five years ago, I would have never entertained the idea. (I don't like to share my toys) would be my response. But having hit my 30's, having had a short and very bad marriage, having a child, and finally achieving financial stability -- I've been liberated to think differently about relationships.

When I was in my 20's I wanted a marriage, children, a home, financial stability and professional satisfaction. Now that I'm in my 30's I have the last four -- and the propect of marriage seems only to have the potential to endanger what I've acquired. While I'd ultimately like to have someone who loved me for me, who'd be my life partner -- my experience in reality was that I've only gotten conditional love from people who expect me to jump through hoops to please them and give me little in return.

Since I've been single for the VAST majority of my sex-life, and I've had FAR more than my fair share of sexual partners -- I have to admit that I wonder whether a single man could keep me sexually interested and intrigued for long. I've never cheated on anyone I was in a relationship with -- I've always been more of a "serial monogamist" going from one to the next when the boredom occurred.

I've had these chats with men I've dated recently, and I do see the possibility of forming a relationship where we can sexually explore other avenues (though preferably together). Still, the concept of a happy marriage is foreign to me (living day after day in the same home with someone where you remain attracted to each other, and don't get on each others' nerves). If I ever found anyone in my life that I could actually LIVE with without wanting to kill them or run away for my life . . . then polyamory would TOTALLY be within the realm of possibilities.

rm_mainevern 51M
10197 posts
9/11/2006 6:39 pm

Can't comment on the poly part, but I'd let you talk to my ex's if I thought for a moment they'd be honest. I've had a past history of associating with fairly psycho women .


I Wanna Pull Purpletrashcan's Fucking Hair!

Khrysomallos 46F

9/13/2006 1:55 pm

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

rm_B_O_H_I_C_A 53M
342 posts
9/18/2006 10:17 pm

Honesty, sincerity, a willingness to be commited (to the relationship, not an institution!), and above all...
Yes, a truly poly (not just sex) relationship is possible. I've seen them and even been blessed to be in one for a couple of years (something about having to move from one end of the country to the other kind of ended it, though).
What everyone is saying is dead on. Don't give up hope!


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