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The Joys of Softcore Porn
The Joys of Softcore Porn
Man, I miss HBO and Showtime.
Due to my already ludicrious cable bill, I refuse to shell any more money for TV than I already do. I am now paying a price for this, as I am bored to fucking tears yet again, with nothing to watch.
At least with those two channels, I got... SOFTCORE PORN! Yes, the ones where you never see penetration, all the dudes have 5 o'clock shadows, and all the girls are filled with hot lust. Or at least seemed to. Either way, you always knew you were going to see breasts and ass. Pussy, not necessarily so, with one exception mentioned further on down in this blog.
And Showtime killed HBO in that department. I mean, HBO ran shit like Real Sex, which ALWAYS had something that would just turn me off. Like a 50-and-over nudist colony. Or some weird German lady who walked around wearing nothing but a red halter top and gypsy boots. Or women getting spanked with Tupperware. Just some freaky-ass shit.
Showtime, on the other hand... they knew their audience, and they knew what they liked. And when it came to softcore porn, Showtime was the hands-down king of that area. Now, I haven't had Showtime since I ditched DirecTV (and what a mistake that was), so I couldn't tell you what they run now, but back when I did watch(1994-2002, a.k.a. before Big & Tall got laid), they offered these gems...
*Red Shoe Diaries- the godfather of cheesecake softcore, from the fertile mind of Zalman King. Every show, David Duchvony and his dog would find some secluded spot in Vancouver (where this show and X-Files was shot, so David could do both shows), open the letter, and read to his dog the latest fetish-heavy letter that women sent to him. David's character's wife died in the first RSD movie, so these letters offered comfort. And of course, we saw the letters played out, as women lived out their fantasies and described them in graphic detail. I'll bet you this show STILL airs. A staple if there ever was one.
*Love Street- the happenings involving sex on, what else, a street called Love? Now, this show sucked. The women were not hot, the sex scenes were boring, and the show in general was just lame.
*Passion Cove- hot young couples find some house on the beach in Malibu and learn to play skeeball and needlepoint. OK, that's not true and you know it. Lame at times, but at least the women were hot from time to time.
*Butterscotch- a nerdy scientist develops a potion that makes him invisible. So what does he do? Spy on hot women haing sex, of course. And always, he'd get so hot and bothered that he'd knock down a vase or something, thus ruining the moment. Now, despite being "invisible" on the show, the audience at home could see the scientist easily, but no one in the show ever did. It was like Ghost, basically. Campy fun, and the scientist always had something goofy to say whenever he spotted intercourse, like "Perfection!" or "Bliss!"
*Beverly Hills Bordello- OK, now this show fucking ruled. Every episode had at least ONE hot woman (especially Angela Cornell, the fantasy of my late-teen years), and unlike the other softcore shows, this show had no problem showing... you remember what I was talking about earlier? Yep, let it be known that Bordello was the one softcore porno to show female pubic hair! A no-no on all the other shows, Bordello showed female forests with pride. Also unlike the other shows, since it was a female-run bordello, the women had all the power, and the men were their sex slaves, and LIKED IT, GODDAMN IT. And, believe it or not, Bordello was actually well-written (well, for this genre, anyway). Man, I miss that show.
And yes, there were the cheesy B-movies where every other scene was a sex scene. (HBO runs these from time to time, so it's not just Showtime.) Especially the Emanuelle movies. The cream of those was Emanuelle in Bangkok, a movie so bad it's awesome. I wrote a review for this movie on the Internet Movie Database website.
And now that I'm all grown up and am having sex and no longer merely fantasize about it... I still sorta long for the days when I would sneak into the living room, turn on Showtime, keep the volume low so my parents wouldn't wake up, and with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a bottle of Pepsi, sit back and relax to Showtime's cornocopia of cheesecake.
Those were the days.
"Today may be the first day of the rest of your life, unless you live on the other side of the International Date Line, then yesterday was the first day of the rest of your life."- Larry Andersen