Image Is Everything  

bigandtallreturn 37M
1538 posts
7/8/2006 8:33 pm

Last Read:
2/16/2008 8:31 pm

Image Is Everything

Over the last few days, via other people's blogs (Angel, Maggie, and Chelle especially), I have admitted some of my insecurities about myself and my own worth. So much so that I've begun to wonder if I really feel that I've improved any. Have I really improved from the days when I looked in the mirror and thought that I was a pathetic piece of shit?

You have to understand where I got this from: from my peers. Get ready, because I'm about to share a part of my life I really don't like to look back on. My parents nor my brother don't even know of 3/4th of what I'm about to admit here.

Middle school/junior high is basically Hell on Earth, and for the 3 years I was there, it served its purpose as exactly that. And lest you think it's simple teasing and making fun, you'd be wrong. Try...
* Being slammed against lockers.
* Having blades of grass poked into my hearing aids.
* The back of my head slapped and even punched routinely.
* Being pelted by chalkboard erasers.
* Rumors... trust me, you don't even want to KNOW some of the ones I heard about me.
* The nicknames: "Queer!" "Fag!" "Homo!"
* Gym class. I took more hard fouls than Allen Iverson and was hit by pitches more than A.J. Pierzynski.
* That day in December of 1993 when I was attacked in the boys' bathroom. From being slammed against a locked bathroom door to being urinated on...

Get the idea?

So you can see why I have no self-esteem or a sense of confidence for years. When you're seemingly rejected by your peers, you're not exactly going to see yourself in a positive light. Thankfully, I never really was picked on in high school, but the damage was done: Ask anyone I went to H.S. with what I was like, and they'd probably answer that I was distant and aloof. I stayed away from the other kids, never socializing with any of them except the ones I really trusted, and basically had no social life to speak of. I really was Don Henley's Desperado.

Add a face only my mother could really love (we're talking more zits than the drama and chess clubs put together, gawky glasses and of course, hearing aids the size of Portugal), and here's what I thought of myself: A pathetic fucking loser. That's harsh, but that's how I felt for years.

Once I entered the college years, the self-healing really began. Though not at first, and definitely not during the Lost Years of Community College. Sadly, it took my first-ever girlfriend for me to really come around that maybe I'm not this hideous schmuck I always perceived myself to be.

But I have to admit: even today, I have moments when I fall off the wagon. Something bad will go wrong, or I'll get stood up on a date, and the 13-year old beaten-down me will come back with the old excuses: it's because I'm a loser. It's because I suck. It's because I'm a fucking sad-sack piece of shit. Etc, etc. (Nobody is more colorfully creative with self-putdowns than yours truly.) Old habits die hard, I guess.

But I really am better now. I know people like me. I don't look over my shoulder anymore, except for when I go walking. (And then it's because I have to; some of you remember my blogs about idiots throwing stuff from their cars at me.) I know that I (gasp!) can turn on women sexually. Admittedly, I'm still trying to grasp the idea that a woman MAY want me as her husband someday. Me, a married man? The 13-year old me would have never thought that was even remotely possible.

I think it's time to put that 13-year old to bed. It is getting late, and he's done his time.

He's suffered enough.

"Today may be the first day of the rest of your life, unless you live on the other side of the International Date Line, then yesterday was the first day of the rest of your life."- Larry Andersen

angelofmercy5 59F
17881 posts
7/8/2006 9:15 pm

Is the 13 year old asleep yet? I just hate it that you were treated this way. But, I do understand how things that happened to us in the past keep popping up to haunt us. I truly do. I have a grandson....he's 9 years old and the absolutely sweetest most caring child around. If I ever think that someone is treating him that way when middle school comes around......I will probably be in jail for kicking some ass. I'm sorry sweet one! And just know that you are not that same little boy!

PrincessKarma 43F
6188 posts
7/8/2006 9:52 pm

Been there... not as extremely as you, boys tend to be more physically violent, but girls can be just as bad in their own way. I suffered almost the polar opposite, everyone ignored me or shut me out. That I was painfully shy in my early teens didn't help at all.

It took me almost two decades to build enough self-confidence to get to where I am now, and it's still an uphill struggle...

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma

PassionKisses4Me 44F

7/9/2006 7:57 am

Ohhh I hated high school too but for different reasons then being beat up...In 9th grade I was a size 12 with 38D the age of 13 I had a woman's body...I was groped, felt up, pinned in the corner in the hall and sexually harassed so much...the girls hated me...rumors I was a whore and put out for every one...which was so not the case...I was 19 before I had sex.

As what do I tell you all the time...positive, be positive...I for one know what a sweet wonderful man you are...let the past only make you strong for you have survived it...put it away and leave it there.

Luv ya bunches my sweet friend



MamChelle 48F  
1443 posts
7/9/2006 10:39 am

Suffered Enough! Correct. And the only one that put him to bed is yourself hun. i know well that some childhood horrors shape who we are today...but i choose not to continue being a victim. i choose to laugh about the idea that i am some whore..some less than human being...i choose not to perpetuate the self i do occasionally falter in this and have mopments of depression, anxiety over what happened...but i do my best to pull myself.....out of that despairing mindset.

You ARE worth seeing as possible husband material. You ARE smart and funny and ruggedly my opinion. And obviously Beckys ...and a few others. i see You as one terrific guy i'd welcome into my heart...and who knows where that friendship can possibly lead to.... i just know that by including my world has gotten a little brighter....a little broader...a lot more interesting. i am blessed in being able to come to know a man as fine as You. And i know i am not the only woman who could feel this way about You.
Like Becky a survivor.(my school experiences were similar to hers, except i was on a school bus and in a gym bathroom and never told anyone because i didn't think anyone cared or would believe me)

Like i say to You project confidence in all situations and watch the subtle changes in how others relate to You...ever here the saying...Never let them see You sweat? Confidence is a very sexy thing...and sometimes putting ourselves out there is the only way of finding out how much bigger we have become that our peers..... And my Friend...there is truely enough assholes in this world with nothing better to do than beat a person down....we don't need to do it to ourselves. *big tight hugs, from a gal who cares* chelley....


7/9/2006 3:33 pm

I am crying over this for the 13 year old. I am so sorry that you had a lost childhood sugar! I am so sorry for the cruelty done to such a sweet and loving man! ((((HUGS)))) and tender kisses {=}

just a squirrel trying to get a nut

curiousinlorain7 59F

7/10/2006 8:26 pm

    Quoting MOfunNOWWOW:
    I am crying over this for the 13 year old. I am so sorry that you had a lost childhood sugar! I am so sorry for the cruelty done to such a sweet and loving man! ((((HUGS)))) and tender kisses {=}
Amen, and second what MO said... I hate the way kids treat other kids, and almost hate the way teachers tend to look the other way. My daughter dropped out of school for that kinda garbage that takes place daily. I am blessed that we have a school alternative, a work at your own pace school. She not only finished high school and got a diploma, but she was suppose to graduate in 2004 and she did it in 2003!!! I'm very happy you have put that 13 yr old to bed.

amoldenough 70F
16436 posts
7/19/2006 8:39 pm

I am sorry for all you had to endure through out your school years. Children can be so cruel, and in a lot of cases, I fear they learn this behavior at home. I don't know you, and this is the first time I have read your blog, but it seems you came out the other side a better man and a caring human being.

"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."

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