How did I get here?  

beaudreau1833 69M
0 posts
9/6/2006 3:23 pm
How did I get here?

This is the initial post in what I hope will be a daily blog. I am writing it as much in an attempt to work through the questions of how I got to be 58, successful and LONELY, though married. It will begin today with a decription of the path and in future posts it will descripe my search for connection, for love, and yes for sexual pleasure--I am too virile to say good bye to that'

If you read the description of the purpose of the blog, you'll know that after years of faithful marriage--okay, I admit that it was to a lot of different women--I have finally resigned myself to a life of infidelity.

I think we passed the angle of repose--the point at which a pebble rolling downhill will either come to rest or keep rolling--when I asked my wife who had just come back from a trip to the west coast, if she fancied a bit of fun. "No, I don't think we're in that mode now," she informed me. I was stunned and hurt. I had made a great effort to welcome her back, I had made dinner, I had met her at the airport and been genuinely affectionate and glad to see her. The proposition was sincere, lovingly offered and just as abruptly declined.

A long process of consideration followed. We had been married for only a couple years, and while we had had our arguments, I had always thought we were okay.We were both sensitive people, at times easily hurt, and I think we both started out wanting to be happy. What I didn't expect or factor into the equation, is that people who marry in their fifties, as we did, come into the arrangement with a lifetime's worth of pain. In her case it had started in childhood with a mother who quit being a mother when S (not necessarily an initial for her name)was 10. From that time forth, S was the parent. By now, she's worn out. She is enormously gifted at a vast number of things--even in bed. But life for her is an ongoing test of whether the people in her life are going to abandon her again.

I don't think she's a bad person for this. And I'm sure she could muster a few things to say about me that were in that vein. But she's gonna have to get her own blog for that. I mean to say that while this makes life intolerable for me if I maintain my monogamy, it isn't anything she can change overnight.

So, should I leave her? Why, even though the financial aspect isn't a burden for either of us, we both have successful careers, I have no intention of remarrying--4 times is a bit of a joke--5? I think not. No, especially since with her work, she now has to be in another city most of the time, really insisting that I visit HER when my work allows, there's no point. Not much point in being married, you say. Fair enough, but we must each be allowed to decide those things.

So I have told a bit about why I am here--little enough, but enough to whet your appetite I hope. I will try to post at least daily--there will be lapses when I am busy with work. I think it only fair to warn you that I have no intention of being coy about matters sexual. If I have sex, I might tell you about it in great detail. If I say words like cunt, fuck, cock, and suck, it is because they are among the oldest in our language, among the shortest, and thus are the most economical and powerful.

In my opinion making love to a woman, is a process that takes a loooooong time. If you've just met her, and you are attracted to her and want to secuce her, well the lovemaking begins then: at the moment you decide to pursue her. With a wife, someone you are married to, the process might begin early in the day and not end until late at night, you dance around it, using gestures, glances, endearments, double entendres, the entire pallet at your disposal to convey love and desire. The point is that the FUCKING will last a much shorter period of time--an hour, less in many cases, more in some--but the fucking is just part of the making love. So in the interests of using language precisely, I make that distinction.

Let me say this, I love women--I love their touch, the way they think, I love their vulnerablility and their amazing strength. I have been blessed to know many (that includes knowing them in the biblical sense), and never stop being fascinated. Perhaps through this blog I'll meet more. Stranger things have happened. But that's neither here nor there; if you are a woman, and you read something here that makes you think you'd like to meet me, well there is a procedure for that. Send me an email. I'll answer, we'll see. This is in no way a solicitation, it's a clarification. I'm not trolling for women--I'm blogging. There's another way to reach me.

So I'll be back tomorrow, ciao for now. B

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