A Conditioned Response  

bardoboy 44M
3 posts
6/11/2006 8:37 am
A Conditioned Response

I don't have time to think anymore. It's simply reactions. The answer is given by what I've been told, so even the most common task is done purely out of obligation to my judge.
My thoughts have been suspended in time, left over for another day. I've been told they were of no use anyway. It's not so hard to leave them. The only time they show themselves is in my dreams.
My subconscious comes to life and exhibits that primal need and desire for free thinking. My dreams become a tangled mess of confusion, excitement, and despair, yet all bearing a quality I do not have within my day to day life anymore: Ennui.
I am a pea in a pod of thousands, longing for the chance to be me again. This time through, what has been made apparent to me shall present itself when I speak or act.
So maybe it won't really be me out there
But at least my body will be free.
I'm left hungry, wanting more.
Waiting for love or god
It's very odd.
Freedom comes for a price, but am I willing to go the distance, to see things as they really are: moments, points in time strung together with no point in sight?
I'm strung out on life, but still I thirst for more.
I arrived concrete, closed, cautious
Clever camouflage cloaking my sick secrets.
Unresponsive, unwilling, reluctant to face my life,
Puffed with pride and spewing lies.
Watchful gazes, peircing, patient,
Peel with precision layer after painful layer
Laying waste my precious masks
Exposing my innermost guarded self.
I lied to you, cried to you
Shared my thoughts and adversity.
You offered me your fear
Prompting, guiding, masterfully leading me clear
Of the myriad snares that would bring me back
To a life of hopeless, endless tears.
I've been taught Life, turned from death
I've been treated to involved benevolence
Now here I sit strung out on life
After passing through both fire and ice.
What comes next? If only I could see around the next bend
I do know one thing: This journey has no end.

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