Stranger Things have Happened ???  

bardicman 50M
7540 posts
2/5/2006 8:35 am

Last Read:
3/12/2006 3:21 pm

Stranger Things have Happened ???

So one night, back a few years ago, when I was married, I took the wife out for a night on the town.

I decided to let her get drunk off her ass because she really wanted to and I was in the mind frame to put up with her drunken shit, so what the hell.

As she got drunker and drunker she started talking about how good a blow job she was going to give me when we got home.

Now, for those of you who know me well, you know that getting blow jobs is not one of my strong suits. I get very uncomfortable with the act of just being there accepting pleasure. I don't think that I was put here on earth to accept pleasure. Maybe, deep down inside of my very soul I don't believe I deserve the total and complete pleasure I get from recieving. I get far more pleasure out of giving.

The feel of a womans body beneath my lips. The textures involved, the sweet scents, the tastes. One of my favorite textures is a shaven pussy that is just starting to re-sprout stubble. The smooth silkiness of the inner lips, the softness of my tongue slowly entering, the hardness of the clit, the roughness of stubble.. all different textures for my tongue and my lips to explore and get lost in. Minute after minute of experiencing all these different textures... minutes can turn into an hour an more. Hands exploring, fingers seeking.. all while my lips and my tongue get lost in the different textures of my lady's most erogenous zone.

Nothing hurried at first. No need to rush anything until the time comes to rush because she needs it.

I love the sounds she makes and the sounds I make. Her sounds made because I am finding the smallest of places and the simplest of strokes that pushes her ever closer to orgasm. The sounds I make from the pleasure I find as I move from one texture to another. The intense emotions I feel knowing that she is feeling all she is because of what I am doing.

Yes, I am clearly a giver moreso than a reciever. Still sometimes that desire for the ultimate surrender and closeness I feel when I recieve begs to be attended to.

This was quickly turning into one of those nights. The more she drank the more she was explaining everything she was going to my cock and the more I wanted it. I finally got her home and I'll be damned she past the hell out.

WTF - I mean I had spent the last 8 hours listening to what she was going to do for me. How she was going to make me feel and make me scream and here she is.. passed the fuck out.

I did the only thing I could think of. I stuck the vacuum cleaner hose in her ass, flipped in on and stuck my dick in her mouth.

Gotta love MacGuyver. I knew I watched for a reason.

I am not dead yet

SolarPowered0 67M
8018 posts
2/5/2006 10:42 am

You know, Bard... With a "really" good vacuum, you have to slide a straw in along side your cock so you can adjust the degree of suction. Without that "bleeder" valve, you might just end up with your cock 4" shorter from the incisors 'shear effect.' *LMAO* Mac Jiver never had it so good?


header1979 37M
507 posts
2/5/2006 11:16 am

LMAO!! I have never seen MacGuyver, so I don't know what that reference is to but it is funny as hell. As I read the story, it became clear that you were not going to get blow job that night but the ending came as a complete surprise.

You are a great writer. Your writing talent could or maybe stil will take you a long way. I am reminded of the line "Some mute inglorious Milton here may rest" in Gray's famous poem which I will quote below:


The curfew tolls the knell of parting day,
The lowing herd winds slowly o'er the lea,
The ploughman homeward plods his weary way,
And leaves the world to darkness and to me.

Now fades the glimmering landscape on the sight,
And all the air a solemn stillness holds,
Save where the beetle wheels his droning flight,
And drowsy tinklings lull the distant folds:

Save that from yonder ivy-mantled tower
The moping owl does to the moon complain
Of such as, wandering near her secret bower,
Molest her ancient solitary reign.

Beneath those rugged elms, that yew-tree's shade,
Where heaves the turf in many a mouldering heap,
Each in his narrow cell for ever laid,
The rude Forefathers of the hamlet sleep.

The breezy call of incense-breathing morn,
The swallow twittering from the straw-built shed,
The cock's shrill clarion, or the echoing horn,
No more shall rouse them from their lowly bed.

For them no more the blazing hearth shall burn,
Or busy housewife ply her evening care:
No children run to lisp their sire's return,
Or climb his knees the envied kiss to share,

Oft did the harvest to their sickle yield,
Their furrow oft the stubborn glebe has broke;
How jocund did they drive their team afield!
How bow'd the woods beneath their sturdy stroke!

Let not Ambition mock their useful toil,
Their homely joys, and destiny obscure;
Nor Grandeur hear with a disdainful smile
The short and simple annals of the Poor.

The boast of heraldry, the pomp of power,
And all that beauty, all that wealth e'er gave,
Awaits alike th' inevitable hour:-
The paths of glory lead but to the grave.

Nor you, ye Proud, impute to these the fault
If Memory o'er their tomb no trophies raise,
Where through the long-drawn aisle and fretted vault
The pealing anthem swells the note of praise.

Can storied urn or animated bust
Back to its mansion call the fleeting breath?
Can Honour's voice provoke the silent dust,
Or Flattery soothe the dull cold ear of Death?

Perhaps in this neglected spot is laid
Some heart once pregnant with celestial fire;
Hands, that the rod of empire might have sway'd,
Or waked to ecstasy the living lyre:

But Knowledge to their eyes her ample page,
Rich with the spoils of time, did ne'er unroll;
Chill Penury repress'd their noble rage,
And froze the genial current of the soul.

Full many a gem of purest ray serene
The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear:
Full many a flower is born to blush unseen,
And waste its sweetness on the desert air.

Some village-Hampden, that with dauntless breast
The little tyrant of his fields withstood,
Some mute inglorious Milton here may rest,
Some Cromwell, guiltless of his country's blood.

Th' applause of list'ning senates to command,
The threats of pain and ruin to despise,
To scatter plenty o'er a smiling land,
And read their history in a nation's eyes,

Their lot forbad: nor circumscribed alone
Their growing virtues, but their crimes confined;
Forbad to wade through slaughter to a throne,
And shut the gates of mercy on mankind,

The struggling pangs of conscious truth to hide,
To quench the blushes of ingenuous shame,
Or heap the shrine of Luxury and Pride
With incense kindled at the Muse's flame.

Far from the madding crowd's ignoble strife,
Their sober wishes never learn'd to stray;
Along the cool sequester'd vale of life
They kept the noiseless tenour of their way.

Yet e'en these bones from insult to protect
Some frail memorial still erected nigh,
With uncouth rhymes and shapeless sculpture deck'd,
Implores the passing tribute of a sigh.

Their name, their years, spelt by th' unletter'd Muse,
The place of fame and elegy supply:
And many a holy text around she strews,
That teach the rustic moralist to die.

For who, to dumb forgetfulness a prey,
This pleasing anxious being e'er resign'd,
Left the warm precincts of the cheerful day,
Nor cast one longing lingering look behind?

On some fond breast the parting soul relies,
Some pious drops the closing eye requires;
E'en from the tomb the voice of Nature cries,
E'en in our ashes live their wonted fires.

For thee, who, mindful of th' unhonour'd dead,
Dost in these lines their artless tale relate;
If chance, by lonely contemplation led,
Some kindred spirit shall inquire thy fate, --

Haply some hoary-headed swain may say,
Oft have we seen him at the peep of dawn
Brushing with hasty steps the dews away,
To meet the sun upon the upland lawn;

'There at the foot of yonder nodding beech
That wreathes its old fantastic roots so high.
His listless length at noontide would he stretch,
And pore upon the brook that babbles by.

'Hard by yon wood, now smiling as in scorn,
Muttering his wayward fancies he would rove;
Now drooping, woeful wan, like one forlorn,
Or crazed with care, or cross'd in hopeless love.

'One morn I miss'd him on the custom'd hill,
Along the heath, and near his favourite tree;
Another came; nor yet beside the rill,
Nor up the lawn, nor at the wood was he;

'The next with dirges due in sad array
Slow through the church-way path we saw him borne,-
Approach and read (for thou canst read) the lay
Graved on the stone beneath yon aged thorn.'

The Epitaph
Here rests his head upon the lap of Earth
A youth to Fortune and to Fame unknown.
Fair Science frowned not on his humble birth,
And Melacholy marked him for her own.

Large was his bounty, and his soul sincere,
Heaven did a recompense as largely send:
He gave to Misery all he had, a tear,
He gained from Heaven ('twas all he wish'd) a friend.

No farther seek his merits to disclose,
Or draw his frailties from their dread abode
(There they alike in trembling hope repose),
The bosom of his Father and his God.

By Thomas Gray (1716-71).

duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/5/2006 11:43 am

A vacuum cleaner up her ass and stuck your dick in her mouth! LOL That's great.

Wow a man who would rather give than receive. I am a giver moreso than a receiver, as well. Some men say they are givers and could be down there for hours. It's great when I put them to the test and they try to come up for air.

One lover went into detail as to what he was going to do to me. We finally met and he sure could not live up to what he bragged about. He may as well have fucking passed out! LOL


bardicman 50M

2/5/2006 12:04 pm

ROFL Solar. Hmm the wind sheer ......

I am not dead yet

rm_hinkawaza 52M
371 posts
2/5/2006 12:19 pm

Yeah Bard, MacGyver can be a source of inspiration for us all at times! Have you ever done the condom out of a piece of chewed gum and a kleenex?

bardicman 50M

2/5/2006 12:24 pm

Header - Someday I would like to be a writer. Well a published writer. Someday I might make it. If not.. I am happy here.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/5/2006 12:32 pm

Dusty - I have heard and seen the things you speak of personally. That is one reason why I do not brag about it or advertise it. Its just a part of me that is me. Men and women both seem to like to brag about all their expertise in the sexual department. I am happy to admit that I am only as good as my partner can teach me to be. Through her words and actions I learn to please her as the indivual person she is.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/5/2006 12:34 pm

Sweetneeds - Thank you.. I like to entertain. I am an attention whore after all

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/5/2006 12:35 pm

Hinky - Hasn't everyone? That damn reservoir tip is a bitch to get right though. Its the tampon from the wooly hamster and the toilet paper tube applicator thats the hardest to make though.....

I am not dead yet

spinmedown 49M
3626 posts
2/5/2006 2:38 pm

I am so gonna write a funny comment for you. This is gonna be the best damn comment you have ever read. It will make you laugh until you cry. You will be stompin' your feet and holding your sides and hyperventilating all at once. This comment I'm gonna give you, and give you good, will........

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde

papyrina 51F
21133 posts
2/5/2006 2:39 pm

will you marry me i hate giving

I'm a

i'm here to stay

rm_1hotwahine 63F
21091 posts
2/5/2006 3:32 pm

I don't know...sounds like a cleverly disguised sales pitch to me.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

catseyes23 61F

2/5/2006 3:37 pm


Jesus! That was something! Wasn't expecting the ending and sure as hell don't think that she was expecting an enema! You know,in some rural areas of Japan, the toilets are more often than not a hole in the ground covered by just a lid. They have vacuum cleaners to suck up the sh*t thru the nozzle! Great post.


pinkplaytoyz 50F

2/5/2006 3:58 pm

~applauding loudly~
I think "resourcefulness" is extremely underrated...most guys I've heard of just went for the hose...

impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
2/5/2006 5:16 pm

That's just so wrong bardi...on so many different levels - but god help's also funnnnyyy as hell. You need someone to teach you how to receive sweety. Giving all the time will eventually dry up the well...

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

bardicman 50M

2/5/2006 5:33 pm

Spinner - Ummm was it so funny you died laughing?

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/5/2006 5:35 pm

Papy - While I love the sound of that.. well.. Is that legal where you are?

I am not dead yet

LadytoPleaseYou 64F
5447 posts
2/5/2006 6:36 pm

Bard you REALLY know how to bust the mood..... at first I could feel you tongue gently touching and licking and your breath so warm on my wet flesh. My thighs began to quiver ever so slightly then I came to the last lines and had to pick myself up off the floor where I fell from laughing!
I don't know whether to hug you or smack you....maybe both.

PENIS CHARMING....where are you?

im_curious_4u 50M

2/5/2006 7:56 pm

I hope it was a wet dry shop vac.

slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
2/5/2006 8:19 pm

DITTO...Dusty...same thing happened to me almost 6 years ago... bragged and bragged about how HUGE he was...pffft... no bigger than a thumb... hard...

One lover went into detail as to what he was going to do to me. We finally met and he sure could not live up to what he bragged about. He may as well have fucking passed out! LOL

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~

oldman1776 78M
3164 posts
2/5/2006 10:19 pm

I knew it was coming and it still got me. LMOAO.

Good one son.

yagottalikit 49F
583 posts
2/5/2006 11:46 pm

bahhhhhhhhhhhhh haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! (sheepishly grinning)

Yep! I've done that!

the promise and pass out routine, that is

Yagotta get it soft and wet so we can kick/stick it

helga_hansen 49F  
1987 posts
2/5/2006 11:47 pm

J... *sigh*... I came over all funny as I read that description of you and that tongue of yours... if I sent you some water wings, do you think you could swim across The Pond. I'll be waiting on the beach!!


Love, hugs and kisses from ♥♥HH♥♥

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
2/6/2006 1:29 am

With you on this one...sitting back and letting him do all the work and me have all the pleasure just never felt right.

Hilariously funny! Wasn't sure how you were going to end it, read the last lines, shook my head at you and burst out laughing.

Sister_Act_4_You 38F/38F

2/6/2006 4:25 am

perhaps i am reading more into this than i should, however, i was wondering whether it made it easier for you to anticipate the role of being the receiver because she was drunk? that way, you really did not have as much accountability for the way you were behaving. that, in effect, her being drunk allowed you to relax and let go....anyway, just a random and fucked up opinion of mine.

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 7:18 am

Hot1 - Yes, I was trying to sell the new dysun but I am not really sure how spell it much less sell it

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 7:20 am

Cats - Hmm I have never been there but here we have those blue water Porta-Potties and they suck them dry with with huge vacuums.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 7:21 am

Naaa Pink. I could get the hose anytime I wanted.. Not that often I could get the attachement though... ROFL

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 7:24 am

Ahh my sweey little Picksie. Giving never seems to get old. Especially since I have found that it is something I do have a moderate skill at.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 7:25 am

Ladytoplease... Wasn't quite the release you expected at the end? ahh bit still a good release. I think I need a spanking

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 7:27 am

Mr. Curious - 4.5 Amps, 50 foot wet lift.. woo woo woo woo woo woo (or wohatever Tim "The Toolman" Taylor would say)

I am not dead yet

keithcancook 60M
17822 posts
2/6/2006 8:41 am

Outstanding. I highly appreciate the use of mid-sized appliances as marital aids. The ex and I were still using small kitchen appliances when she left me. You ROCK dude!

PS: Go to your kitchen NOW and get rid of the old timey hand cranked egg beater. It's a real bear.

trish778 43F

2/6/2006 9:17 am

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 11:43 am

Lovely - Relaxation is the Key I think.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 11:45 am

Slide - Its just a common thread among men. Don't blame me because I confused the second hand with the minute hand.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 11:46 am

Oldman - You knew it was coming? hmmm Maybe I was drink too an that was not my exwife but really you ???? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 11:47 am

Likit - did you wake up with a hose where no hose should be ???

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 11:51 am

Helga - We already discussed the size of your husband.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 11:55 am

Princess Curious - I am so glad I made you smile and laugh. I owe you several just as paybacks for all you have given me.

I am not dead yet

rm_hinkawaza 52M
371 posts
2/6/2006 11:59 am

Too true Bard[/color, too true! That hamster never wants to cooperate! But the trick on the condom is to get enough gum at the tip, then it expands, just like blowing a bubble!

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 11:59 am

MzHuny -

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 12:05 pm

Louisa - Interesting theory, perhaps you would be willing to help me test it

OK, Seriously... I never claimed to NOT like it. Its just that I need to be in a certain frame of mind to enjoy it. The frame of mind really had nothing to do with her drunkedness..

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 12:07 pm

Sexyfit - Hey I was ready to go home after 4 hours

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 12:13 pm

Keith - That rotary style egg beater is a total pisser, Better than the hand mixer though

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/6/2006 12:13 pm


I am not dead yet

aascrompn 42M
6444 posts
2/6/2006 7:48 pm

Man that really sucks! I think I would've been pissed off too!

Babel__Fish 45F

2/7/2006 12:46 am


angelofmercy5 59F
17881 posts
2/7/2006 9:39 am

I know I'm here a day late and a dollar short. But this one really made me laugh. I thought it was so describing being a giver. And to end with the vacumn cleaner.....too funny!

dasher121 36M

2/7/2006 10:15 am

ok, i def DID NOT see that one comming! hahahaha.

romeoMEETSjuliet 52M/52F
162 posts
2/7/2006 4:44 pm

He says - Worthy of further conversation I suspect. You are an odd one, Sir. (BTW, she sends her regards and should finally be heading home soon.)

FeistySyn 52F

2/7/2006 5:11 pm

I don't typically read erotic blogs/posts (I have enough pent up sexual frustration as it is, why add fuel to the fire??) ... but since it didn't start out naughty, I followed along... was really getting into.... thinking to myself, wow, now here's a guy who is cool, he actually thinks stubble is *hot* ... could almost feel your hot tongue on my wet.. uhhhhh, anyway.... ouch, was not the happy ending I was looking for dammit!!!

Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?

bardicman 50M

2/7/2006 6:07 pm

Aascrompn - Sucks ?? ROFL ROFL

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/7/2006 6:08 pm

Babel_Fish - Happy to make you smile.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/7/2006 6:09 pm

Angel - Day late.. Dollar short ?? Never. I am open 24/7

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/7/2006 6:10 pm

Dasher, ya see what happens when you decide to take a night off from peeking in my window

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/7/2006 6:12 pm

Romeo - Its about time, I was getting ready to activate the National Guard. Good to see you back bro.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/7/2006 6:13 pm

Feisty - Stubble IS hot.

Your wet uummm What???

Dont leave me hanging

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/8/2006 2:34 am

Kats - ROFL ... I just got the visual on me trying to suck on her pussy hard enough to create a suction in her mouth... BAHAHAHAHAHA

My jaws hurt...

I am not dead yet

keithcancook 60M
17822 posts
2/10/2006 9:05 am

LMAO, kats! Good one!

Become a member to create a blog