Soul Searching  

bardicman 50M
7540 posts
3/18/2006 2:37 pm

Last Read:
3/20/2006 4:27 pm

Soul Searching

November 3, 2004 - The last time I have been sexually active with a partner.

January 1, 2005 - The day that partner said goodbye, it is over. No explanation, nothing. just the finality of it all. I knew it was coming. She told me in November that she was leaving me after the holidays. I just hoped I could touch something in her during the holidays that would change her mind. She never gave me a reason. She would refuse to talk about it and if I pressed for the reason she would leave.

She was the greatest love I have ever experienced. We were together 2 years and the only fight we ever had was when she decided it was time to move in together. That was mid-November 2003. I wanted to wait until after Christmas so we would not waste money that could be used for the kids Christmas.

Her and I are still really close friends. We talk all the time and share everything and seek the advice of each other. She still looks at me with that look in her eyes that tells me she is mine for all eternity, yet, if I even hint at a dinner date or something more than friendship she runs. Mentally and physically she runs.

Thursday she caught me. Life has a way of sometimes overwhelming me and Thursday was one of those rare occasions when I was completely overwhelmed. She walked into my apartment (for those of you that truly know me you know why she can just walk in) and I was sitting, cross legged in the floor, drowning in a sea of my own anguish and tears. She sat down on the couch and asked me what the hell was wrong. I told her. Straight up, nothing hidden, bold and blaring.

She kicked me in the balls and left.

Not really, but then again that is exactly what happened.

I have been "in love" two times in my life.

The first time ended in 1992 after four years because I was immature. I didn't understand the full importance of total communication in a relationship. #1 and I were both managers for Pizza Inn. We worked different stores and had the same area supervisor. I would talk to her for hours about anything and everything except what was happening at work. The one thing she needed to talk about I refused to because I had the same problems with the same asshole and I didn't want it invading our home. That was so wrong of me. She found someone she could confide in about that problem and one thing led to another and she discovered that I was not her "soul mate". Her and I remained close friends until she was killed riding her bike, training for an ultra-marathon, a two years ago.

I decided that she was my only chance at real love. I wandered through life for 4 years, a couple meaningful relationships then I met my ex-wife. I was never "in love" with her but I did love her and I was willing to sacrifice everything for her and her kids. She was a fucking meth head drug addict. I fought with her daily for seven years, trying to honor my vows until on day it had to end. I had to almost kill myself with the realization that I could not honor the vows of sickness and health to one who did not want to be healthy. With a heavy heart and a bad view of myself for being unable to change her I left.

Six months with a family councilor taught me that I cannot control or change others. Only through being in control of myself can I hope to find happiness. I was a co-Dependant type person and I sought to change that. I also realized that #1 was my only chance at a true love so it was time to just live for my kids. Yes, this crazy bastard has kids. A nine year old biological daughter and a 13 year old step daughter, but I am the only daddy she has ever had so there is nothing "step" about her in mine, or her, heart. She is my daughter.

Almost 2 years after my separation from the Meth-Head...#2 just walks into my life. Nothing in my life and then ***POOF***. Total Bliss.

Thursday she was there as my world crumbled around me. for the first time in almost a year and a half she actually told me why she left me. I was too intense. WTF???

She told me that no one has ever treated her as good as I have and she does not see anyone ever being able to treat her that good ever again.

She told me that no one has ever satisfied her sexually as completely, time after time, as I did and she does not think anyone ever will be able to again.

She had to end it because I was too intense. It was too much for her to not have emotional or sexual needs. Being too fulfilled bothered her because she had nothing to complain about. Right about now, all you reading this think I am making this shit up. I swear on my life it is true. I am too intense.

WELL FUCK ME !!! I just looked at her and told her she really was a dumb ass. She agreed, gave me a hug, looked at me with those eyes that screamed admiration and even lust. I asked her if she wanted to go out Friday night. She said "fuck you" and left.

The song that was playing on CMT as she walked out the door was "Van Zant - Help Somebody".
Call it fate but the exact part of the song that was playing was the start of the second verse.
Now Granny said sonny
stick to your gun if you believe in something
no matter what
cause it's better to be hated for who you are
Than loved for someone you're not.

Its better to be hated for you are than loved for someone you're not
That is my new motto. I think it has always been my motto because it is how I have always lived my life. Now it just has actual words to it. I was talking to someone last night. Someone that I would be more than willing to move the moon and stars for. She told me that it was a great motto if I truly knew who I was. I know. There has rarely been a time in my life that I did not know.

Who am I?
I am me. I will always be me.
I have been accused by a couple women on here of being a player. Fuck em. I am not. Its their dumb ass that is playing in and some cases still are. Fuck em. they are only hurting themselves. Fuck em.
It is so far beneath me to play a head game to get laid. Why?
I lead with my heart NOT my cock. I fall down a lot.
I am searching for love and hopefully that "in true love" person #3.
You don't thing I should be doing that on a "sex site"? Fuck you.
I want to be capable of casual sex but can casual sex contain all the fulfillment that sex in a relationship can?
I don't think I could have a casual sex relationship without falling for someone and hoping they were the one that would end my search.
I have never cheated on my partner.
I never will.
I am a hopeless romantic and I never hold back when I am with someone. I bare all and give all.

Hate me if you must but you hate me because of who I am. I am fine with that. I will never present myself as something I am not in hopes of someone loving me. With all my imperfections and all my shortcomings I am still me. I will always be me. I was born me and I will die me. I may have gotten lost on the highway of life several times but deep down inside I have always known who I am. Even the times when I thought I had lost myself it just took me sitting down and drowning in my tears to discover that I am still me.

An insecure little boy who just wants to be loved.
Someone who will give all to make you happy.
OH yeah.... I am just to fucking intense.

I am not dead yet

jadedbabe78 105F

3/18/2006 10:53 pm

I'm sorry .

I think you're a great guy, if my opinion counts. I don't know you well, but your sense of humor is killer and your openess is so honest and's refreshing.

Hugs to you ~ Jadey

bardicman replies on 3/18/2006 11:02 pm:
ahhh Jadey, Ya gotta know I would more than happy to be able to consider you one of my friends. Your opinion counts a whole lot. Especially when you are enjoying your streak free floors.

bardicman replies on 3/19/2006 11:24 am:
It seems that responses sometimes do not want to stick.
For the third time here jadey......

Yes your opinion matters to me. I consider you a friend so I will always value your opinion.. especially if it is favorable to me.

rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
3/18/2006 10:54 pm

I've fucked in tents before. You just have to kinda try to be quiet.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.

bardicman replies on 3/19/2006 1:00 am:
In tents Daph? Circus tents? Midgets?

SaucyNSassy 39F

3/18/2006 11:50 pm

It's hard to want something so bad yet not have it yet. I know, I would love to find the one man that would love me for me and actually WANT To be with me. I think that your ex was insane. How could she not want to be w/ a man who satisfied her not only sexually but emotionally. There are so few men who even care about a womans emotions and she found one of them and walked away. Some stupid women make all women look bad. I don't usually read long blogs b/c (yes, I admit it) I lack focus sometimes and get bored... However, I started reading this blog and you are so open and I just feel your heart in every word... I loved it. Thank you for being so honest about yourself. Sweetie, I wish you the very best of luck in your quest for love.


bardicman replies on 3/19/2006 1:43 am:
Sassy, that is the entire reason I tend not post long blogs. I done read alot of the long ones either. I just could not believe the things she was telling me. It made no sense at all but then again knowing her the way I know her. It made perfect sense because she was the type that needed to be in control and I took two main issues of control away from her. Although it does seem stupid, I did take care of her emotional needs and sexual needs and that left her twiddling her thumbs in that department.

rm_1hotwahine 62F
21091 posts
3/19/2006 1:10 am

Jeez, Bard, that's deep. This explains the profound sadness that we sometimes pick up on over here.

My two cents' worth is that if you focus on healing yourself, the rest of it will eventually fall into place. We humans tend to gloss over the part about giving ourselves what we need, y'know?

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

bardicman replies on 3/19/2006 1:47 am:
Wahine, We do tend to do that. But I am a giver, I try so hard to give part of myself to people all the time. Sometimes I forget to give myself some to me.
Yet the earth turns and time passes and we are whom we are and we learn to accept ourselves.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
3/19/2006 5:13 am

You know my heart on this one. There really is nothing to say...just to smile sadly at you, offer you my shoulder once and a while and tell you to keep on walking. Too much alike in this for me to tell you to stop. My heart falls first, falls fast and hard...the rest of me really has no choice but to follow.
Cry when you need to. Breathe through each day.
Trust and remember...just time, just one lifetime.
Infinite possibilities.

bardicman replies on 3/19/2006 11:28 am:
Curious, You are so much a daughter to me. You and I are alike in so many ways. Yes, lead with the heart, fall hard and fast, bounce when we hit bottom.
The only time I do not like my personality is when I am dealing with a mind fuck. I am too blind to see through the games and too stupid to listed to my friends telling me that that shit aint real.
Walk with my Curious, I will pick you up when you falter and you can do the same for me. Together we shall search for the one that completes us and accepts us.

ArealUnicorn 44F

3/19/2006 6:09 am

Bardic can I have her number to call and thank her. She left you and she is a dumb ass and her reasons are pathtic but I have to thank her for being such a dumb ass and leaving you for the one's who could truly appreciate bound I will be...

bardicman replies on 3/19/2006 11:30 am:
Unicorn, can I wear your necktie when you get here? Thats it. just the neck tie..

SolarPowered0 67M
8018 posts
3/19/2006 10:02 am

Well, Bard...

I can give you, hopefully, some reassurance that sooner or later, you'll get as old as I am and realize... it doesn't really matter, in the end. Life goes on and we are all innevitably faced with the fact that NO ONE ever really knows who we are.

Casual sex??? What the fuck is THAT?!!! I know whereof you speak. I know the anguish of never being able to convince that "one" that you really do care and that no matter what - you always will... only to have them tell you they left you to find someone younger, richer - with a bigger dick; and when they do find that "one"... throw it in your face.

But, life goes on. With or without you. And here in AFFland, we all have the opportunity to "voice" our disappointments and show our scars and have everyone offer their sympathies - those feelings which should have come from that "one" instead.

I have gotten to where I accept whatever someone is willing to take and I leave the rest for my poetry. I write - therefore I am. As for the future? Shit! Who knows what the future holds? I could wake up tomorrow and find all these years were merely my fears exposed while I slept. Then again, I could wake and discover my poetry sucks and all the "pretty" things having been said about it were simply patronizings of the lonely hearts club.

Bard, my friend, if I could say something to make your heart happy, I would. If I could say something to give you hope, I would. If I could say something to ease the pain and allay the fears, I would. All I can do is say... "I know whereof you speak."

Be you. I will be me. I would hope all, here, would be whom they really are. All the words, here, mean nothing if they aren't really an expression of who we are. You know it and I know it, as does everyone else, here.

My thoughts are with you and I hope you take solace from the fact I am glad to call you "friend", though we may never shake hands - or have a drink and laugh together. Then, again... who really knows?

Solar... (out of the clear blue of the Western sky)

bardicman replies on 3/19/2006 11:32 am:
Ahh my heart is always full of hope. A drink together? Never rule out possibilities.
You my friend are a great and wonderful friend and I am happy to know you.

southrnpeach333 50F

3/19/2006 10:22 am

One of the most telling things about this post to me is how write of your daughters. I have a feeling you will make sure they are whole enough to be able to accept being loved so completely, as you describe your ex being incapable of, by a man like thier father. And we love where we find it or it finds us.

bardicman replies on 3/19/2006 11:34 am:
Peach, I try to live my life and be the type person that I would hope that my daughter marry. It seem that Love does find us when we least expect it but most need it.

demonicsexkitten 41F
10671 posts
3/19/2006 10:59 am


may you soon find one worthy of your love.

and i think this site has just as much chance at finding True Love than any other means created by man.

bardicman replies on 3/19/2006 11:36 am:
Kitten, I agree about this site. In a way this site offers a better chance because it is easier to find the deeper mental attachment before you explore the physical one. This site is kinda like reverse of meeting in person. In person we are more attracted to the body and we hope the mental attraction will be there. Here its opposite. We gain the mental connection and hope for the physical one.

TTigerAtty 62M

3/19/2006 11:34 am

"Too intense", eh? I have to tell you that I also once heard those words. So, its either "care too little" and be called "too aloof" or, and here's a good one, "emotionally unavailable" OR care too much and be called "too instense" or "too controlling" or "too obsessive/compulsive". Either way, my friend, you are subject to being called something. Don't worry about it! Your soul mate will come along someday and to her, you will be "JUST RIGHT"!

Paul Anka wrote this one especially for Frank Sinatra ...

And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and ev'ry highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way,
"Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way"

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!

Yes, it was my way

You do it your way, Bard!

bardicman replies on 3/19/2006 4:59 pm:
Thank you TTiger, That is a wonderful song. I should do something about it.

impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
3/19/2006 5:25 pm

Intense? Yes. Scary? No. Beautiful? Yes.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

bardicman replies on 3/19/2006 5:50 pm:
Awww Picksie.. Thank you

Hippink 35F
4499 posts
3/19/2006 9:39 pm

YIKES! And here we witness your angry side. Wasn't so bad.

You ARE intense... in the way you love fiercely and so completely... it can be a bit scary. And you DO make a woman feel like she's everything to you... it's a bit disappointing to find out you're saying and doing the same things to a few other women (even if it wasn't all at the same time). And, even though I wanted you to move on because I can't be everything you deserve, it still hurts when I see you move on. (call me a hypocritical bitch!).

Does that a player make? No... that's why I changed my blog. (Sorry, it was my misunderstanding of what happened). You are the same person, no matter which woman you are doting on at the time, so the pattern will be similar. That doesn't make you a player... it makes you a man who is trying to find the right woman, and you just haven't found her yet.

The woman you were meant to love... you haven't met her yet. It couldn't have been the woman you lost, because she is not here. Stop looking back.

Now... I believe you threatened me with the words: "Fuck em."
Go ahead, Baby, make my day!
Hippie XXX
PS my blog is there to show my heartbreak at losing you, not to show what a jerk you are. Falling off that pedestal makes a girl humble. It was a long fall...

bardicman replies on 3/20/2006 2:24 am:
My Sweet hippie,
You will never fall off the pedastal. I still hold you in the highest of regards because you are the one who saved my life.
Alas, the Fuck'em comments were not directed at you. One of the ones it was directed at has not been seen in these parts in awhile. The other, well, sigh. The last couple days have brought closure to that little episode of me being good enough for the moment, sometimes.

No hippie. Not Fuck'em to you.

You were there at a point in my life when I had to have a friend. I just regret the email burn-out you experienced and my in-ablility to be able to rekindle it.

clevergirl4U 58F

3/20/2006 1:07 pm

My first visit, so I have no back story. But the "too intense" caught my attention, so wanted to comment. I have ended two relationships in my youth, telling each man that he was "too intense." Hindsight being what it IS, the truth was that in both cases we were EQUALLY intense in our feelings, and I felt I had NO CONTROL over the relationship, myself, or him. I was, no doubt, a control-freak in those days...I liked things tidy and controllable. Live and learn...

bardicman replies on 3/20/2006 4:29 pm:
Clevergirl. That is basically the jest of the conversation with her. There were things that she did not have control over that she wanted control over. Things she needed to tell me to do only I was already doing them. Still seems stupid to me when she told me a woman has to want to be happy.

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