It Was a Dark and Stormy Night.. grand finale ?  

bardicman 50M
7540 posts
12/7/2005 6:33 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night.. grand finale ?

bardicman OK is everyone gone now so I can continue.......
dariuscole [blog dariuscole] Yes, Please continue now..

She cradled his balls in her hand and and fondled them as she kissed his chest. She couldn't help but wonder if the hair on his chest was real or if the glue was just holding better. She felt his cock begin to stir and slowly start to stand up. Not like tigger this time but more like grandpa trying to get out of bed in the mornings. Slowly and surely, but without all the incessant bitching about stiff joints and arthritis. Her mouth found his and like a guide dog guiding a blind man through the Grand Canyon she guided his throbbing member into her waiting crevice of love.

His cock parted her creamy lips like a hot knife sliding through peanut butter. The smooth peanut butter because the crunchy stuff might be a little gross for this story. Her body stiffened as she came to the realization that her aim was off a tad and his massive cock spread her ass cheeks out like Tillers Jaws of Life would spread the twisted metal of a Yugo Hatchback after a roll over. The thought went through her mind that it really is hard to aim one of those things so maybe next time there is piss on the seat she won't bitch quite as much.
She did her best dolphin impersonation ..nya-uhuh nya-uhuh nya-uhuh (think flipper here) and he pulled back. She adjusted the angle and with her free hand she slapped his ass and he drove his cock home like a trucker that had been on the road for 2 weeks and was bob-tailing it to the hacienda. She cried out, he cried out, half the readers cried out when they realized just how much of their life that they have wasted reading this crap.

He nibbled her breasts like a chipmunk nibbling an ear of corn. His cock, keeping perfect rhythm with the rain, pounded her pussy like Keith tenderizing steaks for the big cook out. She ran her fingernails down his back in the same manner that you would run your fingernails down a chalkboard but without that annoying sound. She drew blood, then she drew a house and a family, then she put her crayons and her paper up and went back to fucking.

The coldness of the concrete floor was evident on her back so she convinced him that she liked it on top. They switched positions and she held his cock upright as she slowly impaled herself on his throbbing light sabre of love. A loud peal of thunder rang out and her whole body clenched with the sound. He was wishing he could imitate thunder but she just looked at him strangely when he said "BOOM... BOOM" so he gave it up. She rode him like a cowboy riding a bucking bronco in the rodeo and she even cried out YEEE HAWWW a couple times... His hands found her breasts as she sat perched on his cock like a condor on a telephone wire. Her hands buried in his chest hair as her ass bounced up and down on him like Trav's man boobs as he runs for the phone hoping it might finally be a woman calling him. His hands squeezed her breasts hard has they were reaching the moment of climax together. He squeezed harder and felt liquid splash onto his face and thought lactation... but then realized the roof was leaking. She screamed, "Oh God". He said, "what". She screamed, "Oh GaAaaaAaaWWwwWwWWwWWwDDDDd". He yelled, "Yes Baby, I am commmmminnnnnnngggg!!!!"

The force of his orgasm was great. Greater than my blog will ever be. So great in fact that she popped off his dick like a cork popping out of a champagne bottle and she slid, buck naked, on her ass, about 10 feet down the hall, through a doorway, into the secret hide out of the Hells Angels. The last thing she remembered as she passed out from exhaustion, was the leering look of about 50 leather clad bikers smiling at her with teeth that reminded her of the picket fence that surrounded her childhood home.

The End.............. or is it.....maybe....




I am not dead yet


methodman1000 40M
1775 posts
12/7/2005 8:43 am

ha ha ha ha ha OMG,You killing me.....


Sister_Act_4_You 38F/38F

12/7/2005 9:12 am

Well, I think I need a cigarette......and I don't even smoke.


LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
12/7/2005 10:23 am

Bard... The National Association for the Advancement of Similes has called. They want you to be their president... they want you as badly as I want "MacGyver" to come back into regular syndication.

XOXO
A


LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
12/7/2005 10:24 am

Methodman... He's killing you? Now just think about how all those women you've had sex with feel.


LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
12/7/2005 10:26 am

Sister Act-

Girls, the only thing smoking is you hotties.

*grabs red Santi hat*

I'm with ya.


SolarPowered0 67M
8018 posts
12/7/2005 10:30 am

Half the readers cried out - the other half just cried. Damned fine job, Son! Oh, that chunky peanut butter woulda fit right in here. Believe it! lmfao

Solar...


oldman1776 78M
3164 posts
12/7/2005 12:30 pm

LMAO one of the funniest I've seen. Hope you don't stop there.


SibylBatchAxile 43M
384 posts
12/7/2005 12:38 pm

Dammit Bard, I told you to use the chunky PB for the story!

I need to go buy some crayons now.

And some cigarettes..

LMAO


rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
12/7/2005 1:45 pm

Like a trucker..."On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


PrincessKarma 43F
6188 posts
12/7/2005 2:22 pm

Oh god/dess... keithcancook has a serious competitor in the "makes me laugh until my face hurts" category of my blogwatch list...

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma


bardicman 50M

12/7/2005 4:48 pm

Method - I dont want to kill you... Just keep you laughing so you stay in good cardiac health so you can power the behemoth.



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/7/2005 4:54 pm

Sister - Smoking is bad for you.... Well thats what the packs say that surround me.



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/7/2005 4:56 pm

Liblonde - Do they want me as bad as you want me?



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/7/2005 5:00 pm

Solar - Thanks man... The chunky peanut butter brought back painful memories...



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/7/2005 5:22 pm

Oldman - I am a published writer now.. I just printed this story out on my printer... Woohooo



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/7/2005 5:24 pm

Darius - I hope I met your standards once again.



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/7/2005 5:25 pm

Daphne - Only 15 hours... and then... woohoo



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/7/2005 5:28 pm

Princess, no not a competition.. Just more places to make you feel good.....



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/7/2005 5:28 pm

Trav - Plus the black eyes would look bad....



I am not dead yet


spinmedown 49M
3626 posts
12/7/2005 5:40 pm

awwwwwwww, that's the end....maybe

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde


rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
12/7/2005 6:11 pm

"perched on his cock like a condor on a telephone wire"

have you ever seen the talons on them things?

i dont even have a penis & that line made me cross my legs


keithcancook 60M
17718 posts
12/7/2005 8:09 pm

With great anticipation he read It's a Dark & Stormy Night like a horny teen drooling over his first Playboy magazine...


keithcancook 60M
17718 posts
12/7/2005 8:15 pm

The positive reveiws for It's a Dark & Stormy Night lay piled like snow on Tony Montana's (Scarface) desk.


keithcancook 60M
17718 posts
12/7/2005 8:35 pm

The painful metaphors in It's a Dark & Stormy Night screeched into his brain as if inch long fingernails were grating in agonizing sluggishness along a cracked and broken blackboard...


tillerbabe 55F

12/7/2005 8:53 pm

HOw do you know how to "spread out my ass cheeks?????"


DeepRiverDreamin 47F
46 posts
12/8/2005 1:10 am

OH MY GOD.

I have seen his name mentioned before, but never saw his picture until today.

Methodman has to have some sort of a pulley system rigged to keep that bad boy upright.


DeepRiverDreamin 47F
46 posts
12/8/2005 1:12 am

Oh...I almost forgot. I used to like chunky peanut butter ...


rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
12/8/2005 6:58 am

oooohhhh Keiths comment whoring!
i'm telllllllin'


bardicman 50M

12/8/2005 7:59 am

Spinman - Like all bad movies it has to end with the possibility of a sequel.... ROFL



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/8/2005 8:05 am

SJ - Well not like a condor with big toenails but more like a well manicured self respecting condor....



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/8/2005 8:05 am

Keith - That is alot of anticipation... Are you sure it was that much.



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/8/2005 8:08 am

    Quoting keithcancook:
    The positive reveiws for It's a Dark & Stormy Night lay piled like snow on Tony Montana's (Scarface) desk.
And lay in drifts like yesterdays discarded shampoo bottles....



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/8/2005 8:09 am

Tiller - ummm Have I ever told you just how much I love your new picture........



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/8/2005 8:13 am

Deepriver - Welcome to my humble roof top where I hope you can come when you need a smile. The pulley system that operates Methods Behemoth is right over there beside the elevator shaft....

I didn't use chunky peanut butter in the story for the beautiful people like you who like chunky... I guess the visual still came through though... Sorry...



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/8/2005 8:13 am

SJ - Shhhhhhh don't tell....



I am not dead yet


rm_Mzhineyhole 36F
138 posts
12/8/2005 4:44 pm

ROFL ROFL BRAVO !!!!!


rm_luke69iner 48M
3275 posts
12/8/2005 7:25 pm

Oh My Me, that was hilarious

The only down side was that I was eating a PB&J sammich when read that ... Not so good


S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo
.
~Dante~


demonicsexkitten 41F
10671 posts
12/9/2005 4:57 am

This was hilarious I can't wait to read the next one. Which may or may not be coming. But I hope it does.


bardicman 50M

12/9/2005 11:18 am

MzHiney - Do I know you?



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/9/2005 11:24 am

Trav - This force is with me. I am the young blog walker..



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/9/2005 11:25 am

Luke - I am your Father.. HAHAHA I always wanted to say that.



I am not dead yet


bardicman 50M

12/9/2005 11:27 am

SexKitten - For you perhaps there shall be another story....
As soon as my head clears.. I find myself talking in bad similes and bad metaphors in my everyday life.



I am not dead yet


NSAAddict 42F

12/9/2005 11:57 am

Bardicman, you are a GOD... that's the best story I think I've ever read, left me wet and laughing my ass off. Thank you, thank you, thank you!


rm_ruby48323 71F
18 posts
12/17/2005 4:39 pm

Please write a sequel!! That was great!! Haven't laughed so hard in ages.


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