Dark and Stormy Night (re-post)  

bardicman 50M
7540 posts
2/25/2006 3:00 pm

Last Read:
3/16/2007 3:21 pm

Dark and Stormy Night (re-post)

Sigh. This is a repost of a story I wrote in 4 parts. I have decided to do a best of blog post while I struggle with this writers block. Alas, since this was the best I ever did, my best of period will be short lived. I hope the writers block is gone fast. As in like tomorrow. So here it is. Even though no one asked for it. All four parts in one day.

He saw her standing on the sidewalk. She caught his attention like a pair of black pants catch lint when they are dried with white towels. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist. He could tell by looking at her that her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter". She saw him and walked toward him like a centipede with 98 legs missing.

"Hello", She said. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. He smiled at her and told her a joke. A funny joke. Funny like you get when you read that crap. She laughed, she had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

He looked at her closer now. He looked into her eyes. Eyes that were like two blue pools of water with black dots in the middle. Her pants fit her like a pair of gloves, well, more like mittens. She was as tall and willowy as a 5'8" willow tree. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

He took her hand and walked. She followed him like she was Ray Charles and he was her see and eye dog. He led her to the lake where there was a rowboat waiting. A nice romantic evening with a lady as fine as [blog daphner] was just what he was needing. Together in the boat they shoved off from the dock and he rowed toward the setting sun. The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black. The little boat gently drifted across the lake exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

There was thunder in the distance as storm clouds began to boil up on the darkening horizon. Boiling up like instant oatmeal left on a high burner in a pot that is too small. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. He hurriedly rowed for the nearest shore so they could seek shelter. He pulled on the oars faster than expatbrit49 pulling his pecker looking at Asian porn. Just as they reached the bank the storm opened up. Opened up like Sil on a Saturday night. They ran for cover as the hail storms started bouncing off the streets like a check written on [blog liblonde97] account.
They ducked into an old deserted red brick building. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. He turned to her. Her chest was heaving like a room full of frat boys on $1 beer night. She had a hungry look in her eye. Hungry, like a prize fighter that hadn't eaten in a very long time. "Take me," She panted. "Force yourself on me the way Val forces his blog on everyone.

He grabbed her and threw her against the wall and covered her mouth with his. Covered her mouth like the skid marks that cover Travs tighty whiteys. Her lips slightly parted to accept his eager tongue. Eager like a little fat boy in the slowest line at McDonald's. His tongue plowed into her mouth like the finger of proctologist doing his exam, deep and probing. She moaned as she felt the heat in her body rise. Rising to the temperature of a 5 alarm fire that even Tiller and her crew couldn't contain. She felt the hardness of his cock against her as he started to grind against her leg. Grinding like M.C. Hammer but he wasn't singing "Can't Touch This". She dropped to her knees as his hands nestled in her hair.

She unzipped his fly and his cock sprang out like Tigger on crack. Her tongue flicked out of her mouth as she gave the head of his cock a really good lick. She licked his cock like the owl licking the Tootsie Pop but she didn't bite to the center on the count of four. Slowly she took his length into her mouth. Slowly like not really that fast. The storm outside was raging but inside all was calm. All except for the bobbing motion of her head and the pelvic thrusts of him as he fucked her mouth. "Oh God and Baby Jesus", he moaned. "I am fixing to come like Oldman's welfare check and it isn't even the first of the month". She took him all the way into her mouth and he unloaded his loaded load into her throat. She made gurgling noises like a stopped up floor drain but she swallowed his manly juices and wished for more.

He reached down and took her hand and pulled her up to his mouth. His spent cock pointed to the floor much like Methodman's must do about all the time. He kissed her deeply and with a deft movement of his hand, like the great magician David Copperfield, he removed her blouse with one quick yank. Buttons clacked off the walls and bounced along the floor in much the same way that [blog sj365]'s butt bounces when she walks. He said "oops" then "Fuck it" as he ripped her bra off. Her nipples were the same color of titty-pink Crayola Crayons. Well thats the color they would be if Crayola had a titty-pink colored crayon. He took her nipple into his mouth and noticed that her breast were as firm as really good Gouda and her nipples were harder than Chinese algebra. He felt her body tremble as the warmth of his mouth cuddled and caressed first one breast then the other. His head looked like he was watching a tennis match. First one side then the other.. back and forth, back and forth.

Slowly he lowered his body like a casket being lowered into the ground. His mouth kissing the flatness of her stomach and his tongue exploring the regions of her navel. Her nostrils flared like a pissed off bull as she inhaled sharply. The sudden intake of cold moist air made her cough and he couldn't help but wish his dick was inside her as her whole body contracted with the coughing. He reached in his coat pocket and offered her a lozenge but she politely refused. More gently he unbuttoned her button fly jeans. He slowly pulled her jeans down her thighs and noticed that her bubbly butt looked like two midgets wrestling under a blanket of sheer satin. He kissed her mound through her panties and he inhaled them. Not inhaled them like they suddenly ripped off her body and disappeared into his nose but more like just breathed in through his nose and enjoyed the scent of her. As he slowly removed her panties he remembered that his kid wanted a Chia Pet for Christmas.

CHI CHI CHI CHIA... Damn he has to shake that tune out of his head fast. He kisses her little bush, much like a man diving head first into the rain forest. His tongue snaked out of his mouth much like a frogs only his tongue wasn't long and sticky. His tongue was flat and soft and wet so really his tongue just kind of slinked out of his mouth like Bunz slinks out of the shower. He gently licked her swollen lips and tasted the honey of her desire. Like Winnie the Pooh he delved deeper and deeper into her [blog mzhunyhole]. His tongue plowing into her pussy like KPB on a John Deere tractor would plow into a tobacco field. She moaned a little and looked down at him. "Say my name", She moaned. "Say my name bitch"! He parted her hair and looked up at her and in a MUFFled voice said "[blog amishamy]". "I didn't hear you, say it again", She commanded. "[blog amishamy]", he cried. He pulled her down to him and lay her across the floor and resumed his trek into her nether regions. Her back arched as his fingers slid into her like she was a bowling ball and he was throwing a big hook. She grabbed his hair and tried to pull his face into her but his hair came off in her hands because he was bald and was wearing a toupee and the moisture from the storm had weakened his Hair Club for Men glue. She tossed it aside much like all the women in my life have just tossed me aside. Like yesterdays left over bar-b-qued tuna fish casserole. Instead she grabbed his ears, like she was drag racing a Harley and pulled his face into her. (Well not really IN but you know what I mean.) Luckily his ears didn't come off.

As his middle and ring finger slowly fucks her wet pussy, his mouth finds her little pleasure button. Ooops, that was a button off her blouse so he spits it aside, along with a hair ball, and dives in again. His lips gently brush over her clit and her body quivers like Santa's belly, which quivers like a bowl full of jelly. The intensity of his hand and fingers increase as the storm outside intensifies. His tongue is lashing out and striking all around her clit much like the lightening that is striking all around Bulgey's Blog cause God is pissed about Say a prayer for me now!. She starts to writhe and moan. Moaning like Helen Keller singing the blues... Wailing out a pound of sound. Finally, he sucks her clit into his mouth and his tongue is circling it like western settlers used to circle their wagons during an Indian attack. However at this point he is thinking that a little "scalping" might not be a bad idea. At least a little hot wax or a razor or maybe some scissors. Her body is writhing, writhing like a maggot in hot ashes. Thunder crashes over head as she screams out like Jamie Lee Curtis in a bad "B" movie like Halloween 1. She removes her hands from his ears as her thighs firmly grip him in place. She comes. Like the flood waters streaming down the streets she just lets go. Its his turn to gurgle now and gurgle he does, just like a backed up toilet he gurgles, as he fights to drink her ambrosia. Her body contracts and un-contracts and contracts some more as her orgasm owns her. Her back arches so high she looks like she belongs in Saint Louis, again she screams like a banshee in heat. Wave after wave of sheer pleasure wash over her like the high tide washes over the beer bottles left on the beach after a party at [blog luke69iner].

Finally, she can take no more and she takes the sides of his freshly vagina slimed head in her hands and pulls him up to her. "I want you inside me more than Expat wants to live in the land of naked, horny oriental girls", She exclaims. She reaches down and takes his penis in her hands and notices it is limp. Thats why she took his penis in her hands. If it would have been hard she would have taken his cock in her hands. "Sorry, I have not quite reset after that tremendous blow job", he offers as an excuse. She sighs and exclaims "Aarrrrgh".

She cradled his balls in her hand and and fondled them as she kissed his chest. She couldn't help but wonder if the hair on his chest was real or if the glue was just holding better. She felt his cock begin to stir and slowly start to stand up. Kind of like grandpa trying to get out of bed in the mornings. Slowly and surely but without all the incessant bitching about stiff joints and arthritis. Her mouth found his and like a guide dog guiding a blind man through the Grand Canyon she guided his throbbing member into her waiting crevice of love.

His cock parted her creamy lips like a hot knife sliding through peanut butter. The smooth peanut butter because the crunchy stuff might be a little gross for this story. Her body stiffened as she came to the realization that her aim was off a tad and his massive cock spread her ass cheeks out like Tillers Jaws of Life would spread the twisted metal of a Yugo Hatchback after a roll over. The thought went through her mind that it really is hard to aim one of those things so maybe next time there is piss on the seat she won't bitch quite as much.
She did her best dolphin impersonation ..nya-uhuh nya-uhuh nya-uhuh (think flipper here) and he pulled back. She adjusted the angle and with her free hand she slapped his ass and he drove his cock home like a trucker that had been on the road for 2 weeks and was bob-tailing it to the hacienda. She cried out, he cried out, half the readers cried out when they realized just how much of their life that they have wasted reading this crap.

He nibbled her breasts like a chipmunk nibbling an ear of corn. His cock, keeping perfect rhythm with the rain, pounded her pussy like Keith tenderizing steaks for the big cook out. She ran her fingernails down his back in the same manner that you would run your fingernails down a chalkboard but without that annoying sound. She drew blood, then she drew a house and a family, then she put her crayons and her paper up and went back to fucking.

The coldness of the concrete floor was evident on her back so she convinced him that she liked it on top. They switched positions and she held his cock upright as she slowly impaled herself on his throbbing light sabre of love. A loud peal of thunder rang out and her whole body clenched with the sound. He was wishing he could imitate thunder but she just looked at him strangely when he said "BOOM... BOOM" so he gave it up. She rode him like a cowboy riding a bucking bronco in the rodeo and she even cried out YEEE HAWWW a couple times... His hands found her breasts and she sat perched on his cock like a condor on a telephone wire. Her hands buried in his chest hair as her ass bounced up and down on him like Trav's man-boobs as he runs for the phone hoping it might finally be a woman calling him. His hands squeezed her breasts hard has they reached the moment of climax together. He squeezed hard and felt liquid splash onto his face and thought lactation but then realized the roof was leaking. She screamed, "Oh God". He said, "what". She screamed, "Oh GaAaaaAaaWWwwWwWWwWWwDDDDd". He yelled, "Yes Baby, I am commmmminnnnnnngggg!!!!"

The force of his orgasm was great. Greater than my blog will ever be. So great in fact that she popped off his dick like a cork popping out of a champagne bottle and she slid, buck naked, on her ass, about 10 feet down the hall, through a doorway, into the secret hide out of the Hells Angels. The last thing she remembered as she passed out from exhaustion, was the leering look of about 50 leather clad bikers smiling at her with teeth that reminded her of the picket fence that surrounded her childhood home.

The End.............. or is it.....

© 2005 J. "Bardicman" L.

I am not dead yet

tillerbabe 56F

2/25/2006 4:40 pm

Just as good the second time! (Take trav's cock out of your mouth and the writers block will disappear!) LOL!

rm_Bct2Esi 51M/50F
1375 posts
2/25/2006 5:53 pm

I cannot believe that I read that entire thing
to think the song that came on as I was finishing it was, "lets get physical"

hugs and smiles

NSAAddict 42F

2/25/2006 6:59 pm

It was my favorite then and it's still my favorite now Thanks for reposting this (LMA!

bardicman 50M

2/25/2006 9:25 pm

ROFL Tiller, Havent you heard... Trav does not have a cock.. so that situation is not as weird "gay" as it seems

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/25/2006 9:55 pm

BCT - I humbly apologize for the fact that you cannot get that part of your life back that was wasted reading this

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/25/2006 9:56 pm

NSAA - Thank you so much.. and for the record...I can breathe through my ears so I dont need the snorkel dude

J/K !! I really cant breathe through my ears so I do need the snorkel.

I am not dead yet

vanna4u 38F

2/25/2006 10:17 pm

Yeah, this is nice (it's kind of long for me to read) but if you like it so much, you should let the woman blogger who is doing the recap of everyone's favorite posts. I forget her name, but she's the really smart and funny one who writes real good.

catseyes23 61F

2/26/2006 12:10 am

"She grabbed his hair and tried to pull his face into her but his hair came off in her hands because he was bald and was wearing a toupee and the moisture from the storm had weakened his Hair Club for Men glue." That my dear man was so damn funny. The whole story was, just loved it, Bard. ROFLMAO


oldman1776 78M
3164 posts
2/26/2006 12:13 am

It's as it was before but I had to take a nap half way through.

bardicman 50M

2/26/2006 7:35 am

Vanna - Are you talking about Travelingintexas ??

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/26/2006 7:36 am

Salz - The pleasure is all mine

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/26/2006 7:38 am

Cats - Thankyou, I think it was my finest hour. Ok maybe not but I am glad you enjoyed it.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/26/2006 7:40 am

Oldman - Sorry I bored you to sleep

I am not dead yet

catseyes23 61F

2/26/2006 8:28 am

Boody hell Bard,... I had to come back to read this a second time. Lol


SolarPowered0 67M
8018 posts
2/26/2006 11:25 am


I see you've left me out of this "redacted" version? Thank GOD for small favors!


You missed another good bar-room brawl out on the AD LINES!

rm_Bct2Esi 51M/50F
1375 posts
2/26/2006 1:01 pm

{{{{bard}}}} that was the best wasted time of my day, well other then that Im chat that I had

Thank you for making me laugh and taking my mind off of real life for a while

hugs and smiles

rm_luke69iner 48M
3275 posts
2/26/2006 1:41 pm

Outstanding as always

I laughed

I cried

I came buckets ... which is much less painful then cumming chainsaws

Then I was really drowsy and I took a little nap

S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo

rm_1hotwahine 63F
21091 posts
2/26/2006 9:14 pm


Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

HBowt2 59F

2/27/2006 1:08 am

Read this on monday morning...great start to my week...tks Bard...lmao @ 10 foot buck naked slide.....

rm_AmishAmy 100F
246 posts
2/27/2006 4:50 am

"oh god bardicman"

great use of the chia pet jingle....grrrr now that'll be in my head all day....thank you once again for that bardi....grrrrr

rm_sailorcouple 64M/62F
304 posts
2/27/2006 6:48 am

Oh My God. Funny. First time I've found your blog. Watching you noww...


bardicman 50M

2/27/2006 3:54 pm

Cats I am really happy you are enjoying it.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/27/2006 3:56 pm

Solar - Nothing personal I promise.. I was switching things around forgot to switch you back in.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/27/2006 3:58 pm

BCT - You are more than welcome. I get great pleasure making people smile. It's my job after all.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/27/2006 3:59 pm

Luke - I came chainsaws once.. they made a movie about it. Texas spermsaw massacre. It was a sticky "B" movie at best.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/27/2006 4:00 pm

Wahine - Glad you are smiling a wikki wikki smile

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/27/2006 4:02 pm

Hbow - I am glad that maybe, just maybe, Your week will be better because of something on my part.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/27/2006 4:03 pm

Amish - If I keep fighting you I can pretend that I don't really care..... dot dot dot dot dot .... sometimes I get tired of fighting.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

2/27/2006 4:05 pm

Sailorcouple - Thank you. I will try not to let you down in the future. I warn you though, my blog is as deep and convoluted as I am

I am not dead yet

jadedbabe78 106F

2/27/2006 10:48 pm

Well, I didn't catch it the first time around.....so thank you for the re-post.

And writer's block sucks. I've been having a bit of it lately myself.

kelly402005 52F

2/28/2006 10:45 am

Missed it the first time,
But loved it this time!

bardicman 50M

3/1/2006 6:02 pm

Jaded - I am working too many hours and I dont have the time to just sit and let things flow.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

3/1/2006 6:03 pm

Huny - Glad you enjoyed it.

I am not dead yet

bardicman 50M

3/1/2006 6:04 pm

Kelly - Thank you.

I am not dead yet

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