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First and foremost, this is not going to be a "Oh, wow, I have fucked so many women, men, and any other creature that tickles my fancy that I can't wait to share my experiences with the world" blog. If you want that, I'm sure you can find plenty of blogs here to fulfill your fantasies. With this, it's just whatever I feel like talking about at any given moment. Feel free to read or not.
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My Mailbox
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Mar 17, 2012 1:08 am
6918 Views
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My message center. Feel free to leave a message and I will respond. All messages are private and confidential so ask anything you want. I will respond.
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13
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, 13 Pending
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Dead Flowers
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May 21, 2012 12:24 am
61 Views
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Well when you're sitting there
In your silk upholstered chair
Talking to some rich folks that you know
Well I hope you won't see me
In my ragged company
You know I could never let you go
TAke me down little Susie, take me down
I know you think you're the queen of the underground
And you can send me dead flowers every morning
Send me dead flowers by the mail
Send me dead flowers to my wedding
And I won't forget to put roses on your grave
Well you're sitting back
In your rose pink Cadillac
Making bets on Kentucky Derby Day
I'll be in ny basement room
With a needle and a spoon
And another girl can take my pain away
Take me down little Susie, take me down
I know you think you're the queen of the underground
And you can send me dead flowers every morning
Send me dead flowers by the mail
Send me dead flowers to my wedding
And I won't forget to put roses on your grave
Take me down little Susie, take me down
I know you think you're the queen of the underground
And you can send me dead flowers every morning
Send me dead flowers by the mail
Sned me dead flowers to my wedding
And I won't forget to put roses on your grave
All credit to Jagger/Richards
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Random Offensive Thoughts
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May 17, 2012 10:56 pm
406 Views
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Every time I eat a bowl of Rice Krispies and hear the sound of "snap, crackle, pop" I can't help but think that an orgy for 90 year olds would probably sound very much like that.
I've always thought it would be cool to have sex with a legless woman. Yes, I'm a leg man but I have to admit they would get in the way when I strapped her to the ceiling fan and let her rotate on my member.
When I was a child I wanted a dwarf as a pet. My parents tried to tell me that it wasn't possible since dwarfs are people but I didn't believe them. Now that I'm older and I know that dwarfs are people I still want one for a pet. Yes, it's not right but I can't deny that the thought of having one on a leash turns me on.
If I had to masturbate while wearing a Muppet on my hand, I would choose Gonzo.
If I ever find an actual nun willing to ride me like a pony I'm gonna make her see God.
The second I heard Michael Jackson had died the only thing I could think of was "Wow, the playgrounds in Hell just got a lot more dangerous." When I heard Whitney Houston had died all I could think about was "Damn it, Costner really was a shitty bodyguard."
I'm convinced pork rinds are discarded foreskins sold to snack companies after circumcisions. I have no actual proof of this. Must investigate further.
I wanted to be in the middle of a four way sex sandwich with the cast of THE GOLDEN GIRLS. Only one of them are still alive, though. Betty White might be difficult to recruit for this but the other three won't be that hard to convince. I just need a shovel and someone to make sure I don't get arrested before I finish digging.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming...........
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32
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Quote of the Day
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May 17, 2012 6:25 pm
333 Views
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"They say childbirth is hard on a woman. I think it's harder on the kid. You just don't get to hear their side till they're 13...then they're just pissed, they forget why. Think about childbirth....your first nine months alive rent free, free food, constantly asleep....uhhhhh, that's gonna fucking last. Suddenly you're pushed into the light..........SMACK! GET A JOB! Waaaah! Pretty fucking traumatic. But I'm over it." -Bill Hicks
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8
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Yes, I'm a Dork
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May 17, 2012 5:53 pm
358 Views
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Ok, so I'm taking it easy today.
I have been. I haven't done anything except go to the store for some cigarettes, and that's a block up from me so it wasn't like I overexerted myself.
I haven't felt like doing too much today. I'm kinda down and trying not to dwell on it. I decided to watch some movies to pick me up. I went to my Blu-Ray cabinet and grabbed some flicks I hadn't seen in a while. I've watched three movies today, and I don't feel the least bit fucking guilty about it lol.
I started off with SHAUN OF THE DEAD. I love this movie more than I should. It combines my love of all things British with my love of undead flesh eaters lol. It's funny as hell and there's a pretty sweet love story in the midst of the vulgarity and carnage, and, for those of you who have seen the film, I probably would keep my undead best friend locked in a shed so I could play video games with him when I was bored.
Next, I watched SHOWGIRLS lol. SHOWGIRLS is quite seriously one of the worst movies ever made, and yet it's so bad that it achieves some form of greatness that the truly great movies can't attain. It's like a train wreck with gratuitous nudity, shitty acting (except for Gina Gershon, who KNEW what kind of movie she was making and decided to have fun with it anyway), and some of the worst dialogue ever to grace a motion picture. Oh, and there are monkeys in it, too. There's a really nasty scene toward the end of the it that the film had not earned the dramatic license to portray, but besides that, it's a fucking laugh riot. It's not as unintentionally bad as the fucking TWILIGHT saga, but it's close......and infinitely more entertaining.
Then, I watched CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND. It wouldn't be made today the way it was in 1977. The pace is so deliberately slow for the first hour and a half except for a few sequences, and today's ADHD addled audiences can't take anything more than constant events pounding them upside the head. When the ending sequence began I felt like a little kid again. Big spaceships, a tonal symphony, and a general sense of wonder abounds throughout the third act of CE3K. I kinda got a lump in my throat when Dreyfuss got on the spaceship at the end. I don't know why and I don't care to know why lol.
So my day was filled with zombies, strippers, and aliens. It was a nice distraction.
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18
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Why I Post Lyrics, I Feel Lazy as Fuck, and ionlyshow Gifts Awesome Bling
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May 17, 2012 11:37 am
373 Views
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I post a lot of lyrics lol. Lately it seems like I'm posting more lyrics than actual original content. Yeah, guilty as charged. It's not for lack of shit to write about because I have A METRIC FUCK TON of things to say once I get it all solidified.
I like posting lyrics when I think I song is either funny, deep, or pertains to what's going on with me right now....sometimes all three at the same time. I consider the lyrics a soundtrack of sorts. I may quit posting them altogether eventually, but for now, hell, I hope you enjoy ARCHER'S BLOGGY JUKEBOX lol.
I'm taking it a bit easy today. I've been running around a bit too much and I'm not as recovered from my injuries as I thought I was. I'm not in severe pain or anything and I'm able to walk around and be normal, but my ribs reminded me this morning that, yes, I was indeed hit by a car and I should probably give myself a rest.
I was gifted an awesome bling by ionlyshow. It's a squirrel of course lol, and I'm going to figure out how to post it to my signature today. Many thanks to ionlyshow. I love it.
I have said it before and I'll say it again, I'm a prolific blogger but when it comes to computers I'm functionally illiterate.
I sense a Dos Equis calling my name. Yeah, it's only 1:30 but fuck it, you only live once lol.
That's all I have to say at this time lol. Wow, was this a wasted post or what?
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10
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Helena
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May 17, 2012 10:54 am
343 Views
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Long ago
Just like the hearse, you die to get in again
We are so far from you
Burning on
Just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what's the worst you take
From every heart you break
And like the blade you stain
Well I've been holding on tonight
What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
Came a time
When every star fall
Brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what's the worst you take
From every heart you break
And like the blade you stain
Well I've been holding on tonight
What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight
Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend?
To leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide
What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight
Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
All credit to My Chemical Romance
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2
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My Dick
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May 15, 2012 10:42 pm
479 Views
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I am not a fan of music. I've tried to get into it and can't. There have been a few acts that I've liked but most of those are very old school.....NWA, Public Enemy, Beastie Boys, and Run-DMC, for example. The last rapper that I really connected to was Eminem, and I think I fed into his anger more so than actually liking what I was hearing.
That being said............
I heard this song earlier and I haven't been able to stop repeating the words. It's called MY DICK and it's by a guy calling himself MIckey Avalon. My sense of humor really didn't progress far past junior high, and by sharing this I'm going to prove it. Let's face it, after the week I've had, I needed a good laugh.
So without further adieu.........
My dick cost a late night fee
Your dick got the HIV
My dick plays on the double feature screen
Your dick went straight to DVD
My dick, bigger than a bridge
Your dick looks like a little kids
My dick large like the Chargers (the whole team)
Your shit look like you're fourteen
My dick locked in a cage, right
Your dick suffer from stage fright
My dick so hot it's stolen
Your dick look like Gary Coleman
My dick pain and big
Your dick stinks like shit
My dick got a Caesar do
Your dick needs a tweezer, dude
My dick is like super size
Your dick looks like two fries
My dick more mass than the Earth
Your dick half staff (it needs work)
My dick been there done that
Your dick said so
My dick, V.I.P.
Your shit needs an I.D.
It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus
It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus
My dick need no introduction
Your dick don't even function
My dick served a whole lunch-in
Your dick, look like a Munchkin
My dick, size of a pumpkin
Your dick look like Macauley Culkin
My dick good good lovin'
Your dick, good for nothin'
My dick bench pressed 350
Your dick couldn't shoplift at Thrifty
My dick pretty damn skimpy
Your dick hungry like a hippie
My dick don't fit down the chimney
Your dick is like a kid from the Phillipines
My dick is like an M16
Your dick, broken vending machine
My dick parts the seas
Your dick, farts and queefs
My dick, rumble in the jungle
Your dick got touched by your uncle
My dick goes to yoga
Your dick, fruit roll up
My dick, grade a beef
Your dick, made a geek
My dick, sick and dangerous
Your dick quick and painless
My dick, 'nuff said
Your dick, loves Fred
It's time we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus
It's time we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus
There's no defending this on any level, but damn it, I laughed lol.
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10
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Altered States
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May 15, 2012 12:21 am
650 Views
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Ladies and gentlemen, I feel like I'm living at the hospital.
Being slammed into by a drunk driver was bad enough but I'm over the worst of it. I got out of the house today. Did a little shopping, took the bambino to her class...........and got to go visit people in the hospital lol.
I haven't written about my mother much except for the occasional snide comment at her expense. There are a few words I can use to describe my mother......"bitch" and "cunt" are the ones that spring to mind most readily. Yeah, I know, how dare I refer to my mother in those terms? Well, respect is a two-way street, and the fact that she shat me out of her demon infested womb one sunny day years ago does not give her a free pass for a lifetime of indifference and bullshit.
Well, fast forward to today. She's in the hospital so chalk up another reason for me to buy stock in that fucking place. The thing is that she's actually pretty sick and I am unsure how to even feel about this.
I always said that when she was up in years I was going to stick her in the worst nursing home I could find, sell her house, and use the proceeds to buy an antique rug or something else extravagant that I have no desire to own. Now that I'm faced with the prospect of her actually being sick enough that I don't know if she'll get better, I'm not sure what to do. Of course, I'm not going to stick her in a home like that or do what I mentioned earlier with her house.....but I would love to. Whether that makes me a bad person or not is irrelevant.
What's fucking with my head tonight is that I do want to help her.......and maybe I love her after all. After years of not wanting to have a thing to do with her, I'm now concerned with her well being. I feel like William Hurt's character in the film ALTERED STATES. He was spending hours in an isolation tank trying to see how far back into his primordial mind he could get, and he regressed back to a caveman state and a "man of magma" form toward the end. I feel like I've regressed now. It's not necessarily a bad thing but it's me having to face a few harsh realities.
When I was a child.......6 years old to be exact........my mother had taken my sibling and I to a park one sunny summer afternoon. I had to go to the restroom and there was one about fifty yards from the playground equipment we were playing on. So I went to the restroom, copped a squat on a seat, and proceeded to perform a necessary function. In the midst of that function, a couple of teenagers walked into the restroom. To make a long story short, they orally me and one of them pissed on me for good measure. I had no idea how to explain what had happened to me to my mother........it was the 70s and I don't remember a single conversation that had ever taken place letting me know about "if a stranger tries to touch your pee pee or makes you touch his pee pee.........." I walked out of that restroom in a daze, approached my mother, and I couldn't speak. She saw that I had piss all over me, and right there in that park in front of the world she bent me over her knee and spanked me for "peeing all over" myself. I didn't say a word about it to anyone until years later. I was 13 and knew what it meant to have a cock shoved down your throat against your will. I told my mother about it and she said, "Oh, that never happened. You're such a fucking liar." At this stage in my life she was out trolling for sex more often than not and I wouldn't see her for days at a time.
I really learned to hate my mother. Not just hate her, but despise her. I couldn't stand to be around her. It made my flesh crawl.
Like John Lennon sang. "Mother, you had me, I never had you."
My relationship with her has not gotten better over the years. I can't think of anything charitable to say for her. And yet, here I am, feeling sad that she's suffering. I guess that expression "There's a thin line between love and hate" is pretty goddamn accuate.
I'm going to be a good son. At least, I think I'm going to be at this moment. I don't know if I will be saying the same in a few days or even a few hours, but right now, I guess the conscience is taking over.
And,just maybe, in the back of my mind, I may be thinking that it's not right to be a cunt just because my mother is one.
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32
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Blood
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May 14, 2012 2:35 am
564 Views
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Well, they encourage your complete co-operation
Send you roses when they think you need to smile
I can't control myself because I don't know how
And they love me for it, honestly, I'll be here for a while
So give them blood, blood, gallons of the stuff
Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough
So give them blood, blood, blood
Grab a glass because there's going to be a flood
A celebrated man amongst the gurneys
They can fix me proper with a bit of luck
The doctors and the nurses they adore me so
But it's really quite alarming 'cause I'm such an awful fuck
(Oh, thank you)
I gave you blood, blood, gallons of the stuff
I gave you all that you could drink and it has never been enough
I gave you blood, blood, blood
I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love!
All credit to My Chemical Romance
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2
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Happy Mother's Day
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May 13, 2012 8:15 am
659 Views
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Nothing fancy, nothing major, just a sincere wish to all mothers who care and a honorary wish to all the fathers that have to do double duty.
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10
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I Want To Be A Squirrel 6: Reservoir Squirrels
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May 12, 2012 6:48 pm
730 Views
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"God, what a fucking day off", I said out loud to no one in particular.
I sat on my stump and looked at the crime scene photos from Fuzzy's murder. For a murder scene it was pretty clean. The shank was beautifully made, not your standard Oakcatraz job. There were no pawprints found at the scene, there were no claw marks anywhere near Fuzzy's body. No tracks, no pellets, no feathers, not a damn thing.
Owls. Fucking owls.
The lack of tracks around Fuzzy was conspicuous. No four-legged ground creature could pull that off. It had to be a bird. A bird had to have swooped down and slid that shank into Fuzzy. Those owls at the dam had left me with a sinking feeling in my gut. It had to have been one of those crafty bastards that ordered Fuzzy whacked. I doubted an owl had done the actual deed. An owl swoops down and grabs you........after that they may find your eyeballs in Nut York and testicles in Sequoiaattle. Owls don't leave much of a trace when they kill, and Fuzzy's body was left on display for a reason.
"Hey, Chitter", I squeaked. "Any ideas about Fuzzy's killer?"
Chitter scratched behind his ear. "My guess would be a bat."
Now that made sense. Bats are vicious. They fly in at angles. You're not expecting them during the day. And they have no feathers.
"Not bad, Chit", I said. "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin?"
"I'm thinking owls are behind this whole mess", Chitter said. "You got a chipmunk running nuts for either the beavers or the badgers, but the beavers and badgers have to go to the owls to get the barkotics in the first place. I think Fuzzy pissed off the wrong person and the owls bumped him off."
I had underestimated Chitter. The dude may have been a little slow on his feet but he had a good brain. Damn fine detective.
"I think we need to pay Don Screechleone a visit", I said.
Don Schreechleone was the last of the old school crime lords. He was almost regal, in fact. I kinda liked the guy in spite of all the shit I had to investigate over the years that had his beakprints all over them. I knew he wouldn't turn anyone over to us but it wouldn't hurt to have a sit down with the guy and let hm know we knew something was up. And we'd get a hell of a lot further with him than we would with those idiot gangs at the South Central side of Redwood. The Scuirlz were beyond retarded and the Muds weren't much better. The Muds had ran the Chitz out of town at least. The Chitz were the worst. Bloodthirsty little rodents but they couldn't shoot worth a fuck. I mean, come on, anyone with any knowledge of wespons knows that you don't aim a bark gun sideways. Unless you're standing inches away from your target you aren't gonna hit shit, and I had to laugh every time I saw one of those skunkbangers because they had shaved their fur down to mid ass. Kind of hard to be a bad ass when you're advertising you want a dick in it. Out of all the shit to pick up during a stretch at Oakcatraz to show how tough they were, they picked the thing that showed they wanted to be some bunny's bitch. But in any case, dealing with those skunkbangers was dangerous.....more to them than to us because we figured out how to deal with them a long time ago. Let 'em kill each other off and let the big squirrel in the sky sort 'em out. But Don Screechleone was different. He could keep order and even the 'bangers respected him.
"We have a mole in Don Screechleone's organization", I said.
"Oh, yeah, Holy Moley", Chitter said. "Poor fuckin' guy. A mole that's actually a mole with a big mole between his eyes."
"Think I'll call him and see if I can set up a meet with the Don", I said.
Suddenly, in walked my department crush. Sweet little Katelyn O'Nuttell, the red Irish fox squirrel that made my teeth sweat. She was looking good that day. She had a little bow in her fur and she had just had her claws done, and don't get me started on her tail. That tail went all the way up and made a perfect ass out of itself. She'd been in Redwood for years but had never lost that Irish squeakcent. To be honest, the red Irish squirrels don't lose their squeakcents, and if any red blooded male squirrel of any family doesn't lose his mind a bit when he hears that feminine squeak, he's either gay or dead.
"Hey, O'Nuttell", I squeaked. "Lookin' good today. When are you gonna let a poor squirrel take you out for a night on the bark?"
"Oh, maybe when the squirrel in question doesn't come across as a jerk all the time", she winked. "You got anything on that chipmunk case yet?"
The chief walked in before I could reply. He looked furious, as badgers are wont to do, but this time he looked madder than usual.
"Bucky.....Chitter......in my office! Now!"
I'd known the chief for years......he never had been a jolly kinda guy, but this time he looked like he could chew through the ass of a skunk and ask for seconds.
Chitter and I exchanged a glance. O'Nuttell turned tail and scampered away.
I could sense my nuts were in a vise..........and not the ones I have hidden in a box under my bed.
This day kept getting better and better........
TO BE CONTINUED
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To link to this blog (archer1972222) use [blog archer1972222] in your messages.
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