Tired of keeping it in...  

angelwoarose 41F
211 posts
2/2/2006 2:43 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Tired of keeping it in...


Anyone that has been reading my blog is fully aware that I am in a depression. I thought by avoiding the subject it would get better...but it's only getting worse. So I'm gonna talk about it....gonna just spill it all out and get the crying over with.

I miss Darcy. It's been over a year since his death...and I'm not handling it very well. Everytime I think I am getting over him something reminds me of him. A song ("what if"), an accent (he was Canadian), a smile on a strangers face...there is even a man where I work that walks like him. I thought once that I could get over him...that I can move on and not see his face everywhere I look. I've tried going from one relationship to another...and avoiding men all together.

I don't answer the phone anymore when his father calls to talk to me...it just rips me open again. (His father refuses to accept his death.) It's weird because I never spoke to his father the full 5 years he and I were together. His father just feels I was the best thing in Darcy's life and tries to learn about how his son was during those years...so the memories just flood back.

I'm tired of him haunting my dreams. I can't close my eyes with out seeing him. I miss him holding me close and telling me he loves me and that he's always gonna be there. I miss him telling me about his ideas and dreams. I miss talking to him. Being with him. I've a very good friend that helps alittle on that...but it's different. It's not Darcy.

Darcy is gone from me forever and I don't know how to deal with it. The feeling of lose overwelms me and nothing I do gets me past it. How do you move on after losing someone you loved more than life itself? I'm not talking about losing them to someone else...but losing them forever to death. I can't just call to say hi. I have a recording that me made where he was putting an idea down for a research project he was working on...it's the only way I can hear his voice now. I avoid having a picture in the house of him...but going thru some boxes I found one of him and my son almost 7 years ago. What I would give to have that moment back.

I found this picture of him and stephen...it's about 3 years old. I miss him so much. Will the pain ever stop? I don't talk to anyone about it...I cry when I think about it...and I don't like anyone seeing me cry. But I'm tired of keeping it in and just wish I could let myself lean on someone to help me...cause I can't do it alone anymore.

I wish I was with Darcy again....

rm_mrshyguy6705 49M

2/3/2006 7:04 am

Angel,

I have no words of wisdom for you, I've never lost a lover/spouse before and can't imagine your pain. All I can think to say is:

Time heals all, and in the meantime we're here to listen and support you all we can.

Take care,
MrSG


rm_4yousexyeyes 105F
307 posts
2/11/2006 1:15 pm

Bless your heart I wish your pain away. Time does heal, it just takes time, as hard as it is, and it seems as if it will never go away, but it will, it takes time. You will be ok it just takes time.


angelwoarose 41F

2/11/2006 1:30 pm

Thank you sexyeyes. i know it will...time has a way of making all pains dull. I'm getting out of my depression and hoping for a much brighter horizon ahead. *hugs*

Angel


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