Safe Sex  

alchemistz9 56M
147 posts
6/2/2006 12:14 pm

Last Read:
6/24/2006 11:33 am

Safe Sex


I do not enage in unsafe sex.

For about the last 20 years, that was no problem because I only had one partner in that time.

Now, it's an issue I have to think about.

Of course it wasn't always this way. In the 70's Herpes hadn't even gotten going, never mind HIV/AIDS and Chlamydia was unheard of.

Using condoms was for birth, not disease control, and awareness about infection was low.

I got a fungal infection once that was extremely painful and difficult to cure.

I had unprotected anal sex with men.

One of them subsequently developed AIDS.

When he told me, and told me I should get tested, I was dumbfounded. No matter what he or anyone said, all I could hear, all I could think is, I'm going to develop AIDS.

I went to a GUM clinic and got tested under a false name. Had to wait 3 weeks for the results, which came back negative.

Doesn't mean anything really, said the doctor, it could take up to 10 years to show up.

10 YEARS????

And even though the tests improved drastically as soon as people started dying, and I got tested again and got a reliable negative (2 years after the 1st test) I still feared in the back of my mind that this would suddenly awaken in me.

And to make it worse, I had met and married my wife in the years between having sex with him and finding out about his AIDS.

So, what to do? Should I tell her? What if I infected her? What if? what if? what if?

I didn't tell her - I decided to wait until I had my results - when I got those and didn't have a definitive negative that I was happy with, I decided to wait until I got retested.

It was very shortly after getting the all clear from my second test that my friend (let's call him Smiley) died.

I went to his funeral. He was in a sealed bodybag, his body was cremated, and none of his family came. About a hundreds of his friends turned up. It was a very, very sad way to say goodbye.

Smiley had fancied me for ages, and was always a perfect gentleman. He was in a long term relationship, but both he and his partner were openly promiscuous. We became good friends, and had opportunistic sex one afternoon, and never again. We stayed good friends.

Smiley died 15 years ago today.

I didn't tell my wife. I couldn't see how it could possibly help. What's done is done and it belonged in the past - if Smiley hadn't died of AIDS, I would never had felt any need to tell her the fine details of my sex life prior to meeting her. I didn't have HIV, wasn't at risk of developing AIDS from this, and therefore neither was she.

I couldn't see anything other than hurt and pain coming out of telling her. And in the end, what would I have achieved - salved my own conscience at the expense of our marriage and her peace of mind?

What would you do?


bipolybabe 54F

6/2/2006 12:49 pm

When I was in college in the early '80s, safe sex meant I was taking the pill.

My ex didn't tell me he had herpes until I'd fallen in love with him.

We were careful. I got it anyway 7 years into our relationship. I don't blame him. We had a very good run and have two lovely children to show for it.

I say it's okay my friend not to tell her. None of us knew the risks back then.

I do now have tips on my blog about preventing the transmission of herpes, and I've outed myself about it because I don't think it's fair not to tell people and let them choose the level of risk they're willing to take on.

BPB

BPB

Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!


rm_TezriansKill 29F
6 posts
6/2/2006 12:53 pm

now thats a difficult thing, you see if she ever found out, somehow, if you let something slip one day she would be furious, but i believe if you tell her openly then if she truly loves you then it shouldn't matter and she'll accept it, she might be shocked, i would tell her, but thats just my opinion


alchemistz9 56M

6/2/2006 1:07 pm

    Quoting bipolybabe:
    When I was in college in the early '80s, safe sex meant I was taking the pill.

    My ex didn't tell me he had herpes until I'd fallen in love with him.

    We were careful. I got it anyway 7 years into our relationship. I don't blame him. We had a very good run and have two lovely children to show for it.

    I say it's okay my friend not to tell her. None of us knew the risks back then.

    I do now have tips on my blog about preventing the transmission of herpes, and I've outed myself about it because I don't think it's fair not to tell people and let them choose the level of risk they're willing to take on.

    BPB
Hi BPB,

Thanks for the comment. Glad you're well and have your lovely children. Take care.


alchemistz9 56M

6/2/2006 1:11 pm

    Quoting rm_TezriansKill:
    now thats a difficult thing, you see if she ever found out, somehow, if you let something slip one day she would be furious, but i believe if you tell her openly then if she truly loves you then it shouldn't matter and she'll accept it, she might be shocked, i would tell her, but thats just my opinion
Hi TezriansKill,

Thanks for commenting. Yeah, I think if she found out now, she'd be very hurt and angry. And I appreciate your different point of view and your taking the time and trouble to share it with me. While I usually feel the right thing is to say nothing, nevertheless, i do suffer doubt from time to time...and feel guilty as well.


Mermaidslut 49F

6/2/2006 3:43 pm

This is really a difficult one. First of all (((hugs))) for your loss. Any friend lost, whether to Aids of otherwise is difficult.

Secondly, given the opportunity and time, yes, this would be difficult to talk with your wife if you have not already been completely honest with her. I am unclear as to whether you are still with her or not, because your profile says you are seperated. If that is the case, you owe her nothing to discuss further about your sexuality. If you are active with her, it must be difficult to keep such a secret from someone. I personally couldn't do it, but times were WAY different when this happened for you.. so it is understandable.

Mostly I think you have to ask yourself why you want to tell her.

At this point, it is obviously not because you are worried about her health, so you need to ask why you feel the need to get this secret off your mind.

Is this a way of bringing up to her, that you are and have always been interested in men? Does she already know this about you? Is this maybe why your relationship failed, but you could not tell her before? Maybe this would allow you to let her know that the relationship has ended, because you never were totally honest with her to begin with?

Or maybe she still has feelings and is still hoping for a reconcilation, and this will put an end to that?

These are only questions you can answer.


alchemistz9 56M

6/2/2006 9:19 pm

    Quoting Mermaidslut:
    This is really a difficult one. First of all (((hugs))) for your loss. Any friend lost, whether to Aids of otherwise is difficult.

    Secondly, given the opportunity and time, yes, this would be difficult to talk with your wife if you have not already been completely honest with her. I am unclear as to whether you are still with her or not, because your profile says you are seperated. If that is the case, you owe her nothing to discuss further about your sexuality. If you are active with her, it must be difficult to keep such a secret from someone. I personally couldn't do it, but times were WAY different when this happened for you.. so it is understandable.

    Mostly I think you have to ask yourself why you want to tell her.

    At this point, it is obviously not because you are worried about her health, so you need to ask why you feel the need to get this secret off your mind.

    Is this a way of bringing up to her, that you are and have always been interested in men? Does she already know this about you? Is this maybe why your relationship failed, but you could not tell her before? Maybe this would allow you to let her know that the relationship has ended, because you never were totally honest with her to begin with?

    Or maybe she still has feelings and is still hoping for a reconcilation, and this will put an end to that?

    These are only questions you can answer.
Hi mermaid,

It's funny (peculiar, not ha ha) how certain words resonate - raising in this case defensive thoughts - I am very uncomfortable with having been dishonest with her. And yet I know that reckless honesty tends to achieve litte other than temporary relief while laying waste in the lives of those with whom we choose to be so honest, and in our own.

I have never told her of my interest in men. Whether she has sensed it or not may be an altogether different matter. But neither have I gone through the details of my previous relationships with girls and women, and I don't think that is or ever could be an issue.

And I'm sure the hang up is mine.

We are separated, but she is still my best friend. I love her and she loves me, we love our children and they love us, each of us and us together. But our marriage wasn't working, no matter how we tried, and it came to a stage where the next step, the only step, was to separate and get on with our lives.

And you're right - I feel a great need to get this secret off my mind, and other secrets too, not too sure at the moment exactly why other than I feel locked in by them.

Thanks for the comment, and thanks for caring


Mermaidslut 49F

6/3/2006 12:00 am

....perhaps just your confessional nature on this site, will relieve you of the burdens of guilt you have been carrying.


alchemistz9 56M

6/3/2006 12:53 pm

    Quoting Mermaidslut:
    ....perhaps just your confessional nature on this site, will relieve you of the burdens of guilt you have been carrying.
Now that's a little too close to the bone for any sort of comfort.

But you're right, exorcising my demons, shedding the emotional baggage and guilt I felt I couldn't express.

Very recently, before I even knew about AdultFriendFinder, it occurred to me that I had lost my "voice" and needed to rediscover it. I used to write a lot, stories, poems, songs, trains of thought until I got to my mid twenties. When I stopped, I told myself it was because of work or study or family or whatever, but twenty plus years later, I reckon it was really about trying to push some of the very unpleasant aspects of my life away.

And so here I am.


alchemistz9 56M

6/3/2006 12:55 pm

    Quoting Mermaidslut:
    ....perhaps just your confessional nature on this site, will relieve you of the burdens of guilt you have been carrying.
Oh, and thanks for the hugs.


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