Where I am...  

aascrompn 42M
6957 posts
8/13/2006 9:05 pm

Last Read:
10/18/2006 8:18 am

Where I am...


I have a severe buzz going on right about now... You can tell in my writing, but who cares?

Consistancy is important to me... I may have nothing left, but let me to explain myself. I feel great right about now. I look at my star and I realize that although she may have checked out, I physically feel great. I'm numb, you see. My thought process has stopped annoying me. My body is no longer edgy. My thoughts are contained.

When you have nothing to look forward to, this is second best. To be numb, means there is no pain. To be numb is to actually accept second best, b/c you just don't care.

At the end of the day, I now feel fine. Some may look at this as self-medication, and you would be right. You know what? I don't care. Life is all about chemicals. Chemicals control everything. My brain is not functional on its own. I require medication to maintain 'normal'. Normally, this pisses me off. Tonight, when I feel all alone, I'm ok with this.

I don't want to be alone anymore. I have come to the conclusion that I'm reaching above my head on my requirements... I will have to settle. This is kind of depressing, however, I'm ok with it right this second. The alcohol is helping in this regard.

To be second best means that you are not the best. In relationships, this is bad. I now understand that I'm not the most romantic. I'm short. I don't have a 6-pack. I don't have a big cock... I'm just... me. Being me, hasn't won me anything.

I, for one day, just want to be number one to somebody. I want to be looked up to. I want somebody to think that I am the centre of their universe...

I have failed again. Failure to me, before, was never acceptable. Today, however, I'm ok with it... I'm too tired to fight anymore. I just want what I want. I want to be loved.

~ AAS

ArtisticTwist75 41F
2505 posts
8/13/2006 10:04 pm

Feel what you can handle now... the rest will wait until you can... My only caution would be not to let yourself remain numb for to long... that too can kill.

Artistic

Believe it or not... I really am concerned about you hun... reach out to someone...


hornylilgirl78 105F

8/13/2006 10:14 pm

We all want that. Your time will come hun, and when it does EVERYTHING will make sense. I know you're tired of hearing everyone say "just be patient" but sometimes impatience simply puts us in the path of decisions that lead to more heartache.

Aas, we're all concerned and we all care. Anyone of us who frequent your blog are willing to talk, or just listen, anytime you need.

~HLG78~

"As kinky as a cheap garden hose!"


MOfunNOWWOW 55F

8/13/2006 10:17 pm

Years ago when I was miserable and numb and seeking another person to make me happy, a very smart professional said something that was a defining moment....most people get the kind of person they deserve. Would you want the male equivilant of you and where you are at this moment?
Thinking upon that only but a moment....hell no was my answer and so started my journey to be the best I could be. Complete and content on my own. That is the equivilant male I want. Just a thought aas. Hope you reach out to a smart professional to get some help. Concerned about your depression. {=} (((hugs)))


MOMO
just a squirrel trying to get a nut


elbman 41M  
2566 posts
8/14/2006 8:34 am

    Quoting MOfunNOWWOW:
    Years ago when I was miserable and numb and seeking another person to make me happy, a very smart professional said something that was a defining moment....most people get the kind of person they deserve. Would you want the male equivilant of you and where you are at this moment?
    Thinking upon that only but a moment....hell no was my answer and so started my journey to be the best I could be. Complete and content on my own. That is the equivilant male I want. Just a thought aas. Hope you reach out to a smart professional to get some help. Concerned about your depression. {=} (((hugs)))
Kuddos.....Dittos....Oh Mo's


jadedbabe78 105F

8/14/2006 3:42 pm

First, if you settle for someone just because you don't want to be alone....you'll end up more miserable than you already are. All it will be is a temporary fix and you will be right back at where you started.

You need to work on you. You need to heal. And to heal, talk to a professional. A third party who is unbiased in the whole situation and who can guide you to the right point in your life.

Don't settle for second best. But first, you need to stop thinking of yourself as second best.

*Hugs*


hereIam51757 55F
8001 posts
8/14/2006 5:00 pm

To be loved, one must love themselves first.
I learned this the hard way, as I'm sure everyone else has.

I don't really know you, but I'm starting to.
And so far, I like what I see.

Put your chin up ~ you ARE worthy!
Hug yourself ~ you deserve it!

And, as mentioned above from other friends who are highly concerned about you ~ PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek some professional help.

Sending you big ((((( hugs ))))) and ***** kisses *****


kuriousqt73 43F

8/14/2006 5:08 pm

Wow you speak what is on my mind right now.
Is that what we should do? Just settle.
I dont want much but I want what I want.
Why is so impossible for all of us to just have someone we want?
I am sick of being alone/lonely.

Why cant someone just be my someone....


caressmewell 53F

8/14/2006 7:34 pm

Mo and Jadey are straight on. Buzz or no buzz you need to pay attention to what they are saying.


SacredStarDance

8/15/2006 5:21 pm

you wont find love till you love your self...

under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat


PurplePeach72 44F  
9199 posts
8/15/2006 7:18 pm

No advice my friend because I am too deep in reaching for your medication, afraid I am going to have to accept and settle for less, nothing sort of failure.
But to all the folks who have posted here about first loving yourself, do me a favor, PLEASE tell me how you did/do that, I have always loved that special person in my life more than me, more than life itself, and now I find that is a problem, a serious one. I know this is ass blog, so if you can help me you can post to mine [blog colcouple4f00]
And thanks ass for letting me intrude in your blog.
steve


Kisses,
LA


rm_1dee4u 60F
58 posts
8/15/2006 11:28 pm

Oh Aas....,

First of all - get your head outta the bottle, k? First and foremost! Secondly, life is too short, WAY TOO SHORT, to be deluded in thinking that you'll never have the love of a great woman!

Some of us are still out there...., waiting on someone to love us for who we are and to not be treated as "Second Best"....,

Don't let winter set in before you pull yourself back up, k? That's what these blogs are all about - - to share your story, whether painful or glorious, with others - - and hopefully, they can help you HELP YOU!! OK? (((((HUGS)))))


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