There is nothing more  

aascrompn 42M
6957 posts
8/8/2006 8:17 am

Last Read:
10/18/2006 8:07 am

There is nothing more

There isn't any more emotions that I can dump onto this screen. I have run the full course of them in my short 9 months here.

I have been laughed at. I have been cussed at. I have been laughed with. I have been cried upon... I've seen it all.

These last 6 months have got to be the best 6 months I've ever had. Although it was sometimes difficult, it was not too hard to work through. The last month was more than I've ever wanted. When I say that, I'm not talking about just for sex. I found 'The One'. I know it to be so. She has opted for clearer air to fly through. Another bee beat me to the queen. It seems this bee has been lurking for a couple of years, but it's been there, providing enough honey to always be tempting, but then diverting to do his own thing.

So here is the rest of the real story. I have nothing left. My emotions are gone. I am completely numb and I have no ideas to write down on this stupid screen. I can't tell her anything more than she already knows. There is absolutely nothing else I could ever offer. I just wasn't good enough to make the cut, and that's exactly how I have to view it.

She is in a relationship and has been for a couple of years. I know it was a hard decision for her, so I hope, but it still really doesn't matter. I have failed again. I know if she could have the best of both worlds, she would. It's not that she 'broke up' with me. It's that she had to make the right decision for herself.

So where do I go? I'm deep w/in a cave now w/ zero light coming in. The tunnels leading out have now all collapsed on me. The tunnel for the house collapsed last night. Evidentally, so did the tunnel for 'The One'. What's worse w/ her though, is that I think that tunnel even sealed itself shut.

My heart is completely done. I'm drained. I have next to zero to offer anybody. So, what do I do next? I don't fucking no and that's what scares me.

I literally put all my eggs into one little basket. It was worth it to me. She put all of hers in as well, but one. It must've been made of gold, b/c it kept her from coming to me.

There is nothing else I wanted in the world. With her everything worked itself out. My attitude worked itself out. My drinking got profusely better. Everything was ok, when I 'had' her.

I don't feel like picking my fucking chin up. I don't feel like moving on. I don't feel like doing fucking anything... You wanna do me a favor?? Come run over me!!

~ AAS (The pic is the dream that we one time shared - she'll quickly forget that, I'm sure)

Seriously_Real 48M

8/8/2006 8:50 am

I know, man. I know. I am struck by the clarity of your words, though, and that is something to build on, even in all this.

Some more things for that box on the shelf I told you about in your last post: so many of us have been there. And I've been there most of all, and recently. Except I didn't want to be run over....I just considered running into the telephone pole on Hwy 316 into North Gwinnett County. I did not, and I am glad.

All the words in the world don't take the pain away right now, though. Just hold on, and keep breathing. You are not alone.



8/8/2006 9:04 am

I wish there was something I could say that would actually make a difference but I know there isn't. I think you're wrong in assuming that you weren't good enough though. She was already in a relationship, one that had lasted for a couple of years and obviously feels some kind of committment to that. It's not always easy letting go of something we've grown comfortable with. My husband and I have been married over 20 years and I found out he cheated on me (that was why I came to this site initially, revenge I guess stupid I know). You would think that would be enough for me to get the hell away from him but we've been together so long it's hard to move out of that comfort zone no matter how bad he hurt me. All I can say is, you need to look at it like it really is, she wasn't ready to move away from what she knows best and that comfort zone she's built where she is. I hope things look up for you soon.

elbman 41M  
2566 posts
8/8/2006 9:36 am

We screw with each other.....not to be confused with screwing each other.

We've been alot of the same places. I've got my hand out and an ear whenever you need it. You've made alot of progress.....people you know and don't know have taken notice; focus on that....put your energy into it. Get back in the gym......sweat it out of your system.

We are so going to Midtown for guys ladies just be ready....

BlueEyedSoul65 51M
1027 posts
8/8/2006 10:23 am

A lot of what you write here is ALL too familiar. And I know that no matter what anyone says it will just seem like bullshit. But I gotta tell ya man, you didn't fail. No I don't know you or the depth of your situation, but really YOU didn't fail.
Sure she seemed like the one now, and having a great relationship always inspires us to improve ourselves in one way or another, but obviously her capacity for the relationship wasn't the same as yours.
I think in cases like that, even when people do manage to stick it out and stay together, the different capacities evetually mainfest themselves in ways that often lead to great unhappiness and unsatisfactory lives. Would there be so many married people on here otherwise? (just meant as a statement of fact, not as judgmental towards anyone btw)
I know you won't feel like picking your fucking chin up for some time perhaps. But when you do, I bet you'll start to think about all those little things you had to put up with and how it probably wasn't as great as it seemed. Nothings perfect and even the best relationships still have struggles, but at least with someone who is truly in it as deeply as you she'll stand by you to work things through.
I hope this all doesn't seem presumptuous from someone that's only visited your blog once or twice before. But you seem like a really decent dude and all and I've unfortunately been where you are myself. Take care.

hornylilgirl78 105F

8/8/2006 12:43 pm

*Says nothing just gives you a big hug*


"As kinky as a cheap garden hose!"

ArtisticTwist75 41F
2505 posts
8/8/2006 2:25 pm

When I'm in this place... the best thing I can do is make an appt with my T and then call up my best friends and tell them... I need them. I know you have both of these tools at your disposal. Call your friends up, tell them you need them... see if you can get past your fights... They care for you AAS... don't try to go through this alone. Monster Hugs of course.


funintheday2006 56M
9659 posts
8/8/2006 11:56 pm

I'm so sorry Aas. One thing I can tell you is that IMO she will forget nothing you shared.

TabithaElectra 37F

8/9/2006 3:08 am

jerseygem70 and Fun both reflect my thoughts on this. No matter what happens, what decisions are made, you never do forget or stop wondering...

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