|Blogs > aascrompn > The Shit I Say|
It Was A Good Run
It Was A Good Run
It Was A Good Run
For my regular readers, you know that I’ve had a major record-breaker when it’s come to my attitude as of late… As a recap, I had a circumstance with my Divergent One that, for me, was some upsetting news. As I thought that it would crush me, I actually found that I was extremely happy for her and that relieved me from my depression that I thought was surely inevitable. With that, everything in my life seemed to take an upswing. My attitude was better everyday. I was happier and back to my jovial self. My anxiety diminished if not even completely disappeared.
As you know, my best friend and I were looking to purchase homes in the same community. We are extremely close and thought that it would be a lot of fun to live in the same community in order to not have to drive the current distance to hang out. We usually hang out at least three nights per week. We take dance together, lay out at the pool, drink, etc… When I’m not at her current house, I’m hanging at her bar (my home away from home). So, it just made sense to live as close as possible.
We’ve been searching for homes together for, from what I can guess, about two solid months now; it could be longer, but I’m not very good at mundane details. She put a bid in on a home on Sunday, only to find out last night, that the seller opted to go w/ another contract. I felt really bad for her, as she really liked the home. However, she recovered a lot faster than I thought she would. She was already looking for other homes in the same community last night, and I joined her.
During this time, I had the mortgage broker stroking my numbers for me as well. They didn’t come back great… Let me digress…
When I was with my ex-fiancé, my mother always warned me that I was destroying my life. My mother and my ex hated each other. I always got so pissed off at my mother for her views about us. This is what I wanted at the time. I loved having a fiancé. I loved having her two children in my life. She went back to school, and I firmly believed that she was going to graduate and life would go on as all family life does. We were going to have a house, with a white-picket fence, and we were going to add another 1.5 children to our home like most average families have these days…
When my ex left me, two and a half years ago, she left me with everything! I had every bill in the world stuck with me. My credit sank. I was then stuck with a lot higher rent payment than I was accustomed to. I adapted and overcame it. I don’t have the most extra money in the world, but with my lifestyle of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll, I’m not surprised by that. My parents actually felt so bad for me that they bought me living room furniture. What’s funny is that they told me for quite sometime before the breakup that they would buy me whatever I wanted if I would just leave my ex. I’m very grateful for their support on this.
For the last two and a half years, I’ve had only one thing to accomplish; clean up my credit! I also needed to refocus on my career and where I wanted to head in life. I didn’t want to go home anymore. I was still left in the old apartment unit that we lived in together. I couldn’t go home after work. I went straight to the bar. I didn’t go there to drink, necessarily, I went to socialize. It gave me something to do other than think about what could’ve been with my ex. It took my mind of “The Bitch”. The bartender there was a very nice girl. It got to the point where when I walked in, she would come running around the bar to greet me, etc… Let me introduce my best friend, “Bar Wench”. As I spent more time in the bar hanging w/ “Bar Wench” and the rest of the regulars, “Zombies”, my tolerance for alcohol went through the roof. I was having fun socializing and networking. Believe it or not, I spent more time talking about my career and other opportunities; I believed that I was doing myself something of a good thing by hanging there. I justified my actions by this. Meanwhile, I was saving enough money to just pay my current bills off. I did nothing in the way of paying off my debt. This is the way that I lived up until about a year ago, when I came the realization that I needed to actually become a grown up. I’ve been paying off my debt slowly. Trust me when I say that I’ve had a lot of help with this from the “Parental Units”.
This house process has been an eye-opener. It goes to show numerous things. Never, ever, shirk your responsibilities. Always listen to those that actually know more than you (Parental Units). Understand when you just can’t afford to do something, no matter how much you actually want it. Never assume that just because the rest of your life is falling into place that EVERYTHING is going to do so for you. There are people younger than you that are a hell of a lot more successful than you. You just might actually have to significantly adjust the lifestyle that you’re used to in order to accommodate your dreams… This is the biggest one of them all. I think this is what separates the boys from the men, the bush from the nice landing strip, the cumming from the squirting… I might actually have to stop any and all bad habits in order to accommodate my current desire. WTF?? I can’t have it all? I know myself. I’ve always achieved my goals (with the exception of actually attracting women, but since I’m now a monk, that doesn’t much matter anymore). This one ‒ the one of actually moving into a house ‒ just seems to be out of my grasp. I’m right fucking there, but can’t touch it! This is not acceptable to me, and yet, reality dictates to me otherwise. I’ve said it before, and I’m now going to repeat it, “Fuck reality!”
As much as I hate to admit it, reality (the whore that she is) has told me that I can’t have it. I can’t have the girl that I want ‒ which I’ve mostly gotten over ‒ and I now can’t have the home that I want. The more positive attitude that you’ve read over the last three to four weeks has dissipated. It’s fucking gone!
Where does all of this leave me?? It leaves me wondering if I’m ever going to advance in my career, therefore being able to afford the home that I think I’ve worked hard to achieve. It leaves me wondering if I’m ever going to be good enough for the girl of my dreams, “The One”. It leaves me feeling quite isolated from my friends who are advancing in life, making higher earnings than me (owning their own companies, etc). It leaves me wondering if my education was actually enough to earn the salary that I think I deserve or not. It leaves me wondering if I’m at the point where I’m actually going to be stuck at one socioeconomic level, when all of my friends are advancing to a whole other class of society (where I knew I would be one day and have yet to even get close)…
Yes, this was a long rant! I just feel completely worthless. What’s worse it, if I had a girlfriend, it wouldn’t seem so bad. I would have somebody to lean on. I would have somebody that would listen to me when I need to vent. Friends are great, but they don’t hold you at night when you really need someone. Now I see why prostitutes make so much money. For the price of half your paycheck they’ll at least listen to your ranting while your sticking it anywhere you want… Maybe I should go more into debt and hire me one.
~ AAS (quite befuddled)
PS ‒ My attitude may straighten itself out here shortly, but right now I’m pissed at myself for fucking everything. Why is nothing I do good enough????????
PSS ‒ Always listen to your fucking parents, no matter how senile they seem at the time.
6/27/2006 3:33 pm
Sometimes I think life is like one of those damn corn mazes. You know where you need to go when looking at it from the outside. Once inside, you THINK you know where you are going, but it gets really confusing. And taking advice from others who've been there can be hard, they may have you traveling in a direction that seems exactly opposite of the way you think you need or want to go. And sometimes when you really think you're making progress, you wind up at a dead end and have to backtrack and take a different path. And you LEARN from having taken the wrong paths! |
The one thing you CANNOT do, is to sit down and give up. You aren't making any progress good or bad at that point! Something I had to realize when I've been at that point, is that there are a lot of people out there who are willing to support you, both as someone to listen, and someone to help with whatever they are capable of helping with. But you have to ask.
Good luck Aas. Lots of positive thoughts being sent your way.
"As kinky as a cheap garden hose!"
6/27/2006 4:07 pm
I'm glad for you in that your parents are so supportive. Good parents and a good family are not as common as some may think. My story is too long for here but let us just say that it is contrary to yours. My life was a mess listening to them and when I finally just told them what the hell they could do with their ignorant advice and went my own path, I have met with increasing success in life. That though is a digression.|
I was exactly your age with not much going for me when it all started to slowly turn around so don't worry about it. You are young yet you know. You know what you want and have priorities which is the most important step. No, it hasn't been cake and I have had a divorce since my luck was turning for the better and it can suck. BUT, it was also a good thing too. Maybe you are still too close to your feelings to see the good in what you consider bad. With a little time you will honestly gain a different perspective on things you once considered bad. Things in life have a strange way of working out, ways that aren't easily seen. Food for thought even if you don't like how it tastes right now. Ps... I don't have a home yet either and still rent. But then.. we don't have to mow lawns or pay property taxes *S*
6/28/2006 2:36 am
Mate I know where you're coming from...the holes we dig for |
Hang in there.
6/29/2006 8:01 pm
You know what I hate? I hate when I'm down everyone telling me to hang in there and that it gets better.|
I hate it because that whore reality is a total bitch.
But then? Then I realize something. I'm not powerless. I keep moving from one day to the next. And it gets better.
You know what you need to do. It sucks to be a grownup.
But you are one bad ass stubborn motherfucker the likes of which I've never seen. This shit isn't going to keep you down. You won't let it.
So hang in there. It gets better. Because you will make it so.