|Blogs > aascrompn > The Shit I Say|
It really sucks...
You just have to know when you're all wrapped up. I'm done. I'm over. I quit.
Where I'm coming from... I am evidentally an alcoholic. As a result, I don't deserve to really feel. I don't deserve to love. I don't deserve the love I've been given up until this point. Tonight, for example, I've taken my medication, drank 1 complete Liter of Captain Morgan and have had nothing else... I still feel quite clear w/ my thoughts. I shouldn't. I should be dead w/ a major hangover, but I won't have one...
As a result of my condition, I've lost two very valuable relationships. I've lost a great friend, tabithaelectra, as well as another great friend, curious082385.
When you realize that chemicals control you, there is really nothing else that you can do, but leave.
I've made many friends here, but even they will be out of my life. It's time for me to carry on, on my own.
When I said that I got arrested the other day, I meant that I got a DUI. I have a problem, and there seems that there is nothing that will control me. Tonight, after more bad news, I went to the bar. I drove there. I had drinks, and I drove home. Why would anybody hang out w/ me? Why would anybody waste their love on me? They won't. As a result, I've wrapped it all up. I've deleted everything that I've ever written and I'm done. I may still search for local sluts who give it up, but that's it.
I've loved my time here. I've loved the friends that I've made, however, with me leaving here, I won't answer their calls anymore either. They are now a part of my past.
My future consists of nothing good... I have a house going up. It's a new house. This will cost me an additional $200 a month that I'm not used to. At first, I thought that I would have help. I thought that somebody would want to live w/ me. They don't want to, and I don't want them to. This will change all. I will have to stop many things to accomodate my own expenses...
DUI - Driving Under the Infulence - Yes, I'm a piece of shit. Yes, I did it. My reality is that I'm going to jail. I'm going to ruin my perfect driving record and reputation b/c I don't have control. This is my reality. I am now in deep shit and I have no control of what happens to me. I had people that were willing to be there for me. I had people that were willing to fly into town to comfort me when I go to jail. I can't avoid it. I refused everything and I will lose. I don't want help anymore. I don't want anybody to hold my hand. I don't want your support... This is where my life is taking me. Most people would actually stop drinking all together, but I'm getting worse... I've had an entire Liter of Captain Morgan tonight. I've eaten nothing, nor do I want to. I'm a pure fuck up...
I love you all... I want to say thank you for the friends that I have made while here... I'm sorry for not going to your blogs.... I'm sorry for being a piece of shit and not saying thank you... I'm sorry...
~ AAS (Carrying on w/ my alcoholic self...)
8/26/2006 10:55 pm
Seems that you are now on the road to a recovery by at least KNOWING that you have a problem.|
Perhaps now that you have hit rock bottom and realised what you have lost along the way, you can start to build a future.
I wish you all the best - I lost my father to booze when he was only 39 - not much of a life for a daughter than he never saw grow up and get married.
8/26/2006 10:58 pm
You do realize this could be the pivot point in your life, a chance to change. Its never too late. |
8/26/2006 11:25 pm
use your time in jail to get sober, there will be other people there who have the same problem and how that problem has taken them down roads they never thought they would go. you can get off booze, it will be damn fucking hard however there is life after alcohol and your dui. you are strong enough to feel the pain and not be swallowed up by it. know that you are worthy of being loved.|
8/27/2006 5:29 am
I wish I could reach through the screen and shake the shit outta you!!!!!! |
Please get some help before you kill yourself or someone else.
BIG HUG and be strong my friend!!!
8/27/2006 6:34 am
You know I've been there.|
You know you're there.
I can't tell you how many time, in a drunked up state, I stood in front of the mirror and literally, actually, physically shot myself the bird and said these words "What the fuck are you doing, you piece of shit?" That's when I was almost done.
I had to have that attitude when I was temporarily sober, too, for it to matter.
If you stand by this post when you wake up, then it will be time.
And if you think you had friends before....you ain't seen nothing yet. If you're ready.
--Seriously (not fucking around, but waiting for you)