|Blogs > aascrompn > The Shit I Say|
At a loss
At a loss
I decided to email one of my favorite bloggers who happens to be one of the hottest females on this site. I just wanted to say that if my comments, on her blog, were too much to let me know so that I don't offend her. I explained that I knew that I by no means am what she is looking for. I'm not sure that I liked her reply...
In short, her reply was something along the lines of me needing a serious dose of self love and that my drinking and self pity blog demonstrates to ladies that I'm insecure. Wow! Reality check. This, I have to admit, has hit me pretty hard. I feel like raging, I feel like crying, I feel numb, I feel a lot of things all at once. I'm sure it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't already consider her to be an unobtainable.
I have categories that I mentally fit certain women into when I'm first getting to know them. I have a friend category, a category where I know I could date them if we are both available, and an unobtainable category. She, by far, fits into this last one. Why? For many reasons. I'll start w/ the superficial one first. She is, on my scale at least a 9 out of my 10. She has an amazing body!! Secondly, and more importantly, she doesn't come across as arogant about what she has in life, or how smart that she is. She truly is approachable. So why the unobtainable category? It's simply that I understand what she can get and she understands what she can get. Although there are many women that have stated that I'm a good looking guy (their words), I know there are far better looking guys w/ more to offer on this site, especially to her, than I could even attempt.
Some might say that this is the self pity. I don't think that it is. I think that this is reality. Would a female not go for a better looking, more sophisticated, smarter guy if given the opportunity? I think that she would. Sure, looks are not everything, as she stated. She stated that personality goes as far if not further. I agree w/ that! However, there are personalities in these blogs that are far superior to mine w/ the owners having twice the looks and bodies of mine. So then, w/ me already knowing this, why should I even try?
I truly am at a loss here. This, as I've stated in the past is not me when I'm out in RL. There, I am usually the center of attention and have the utmost confidance! Here I am different. I wear my heart on my sleeve for everybody to scrutinize, mainly for my own self benefit, but I will admit to comment whoring every now and then.
I truly believe that my blog has hindered me, in many regards, to meeting the caliber women that I want to meet. I consider my New One to be an unobtainable as well, but things in Her life are in the air right now. The reason why I believe that we clicked so well is that other than our sex lives, we are sooooooo much the same. The ONLY thing that sucks about our current condition is that there is a waiting period (upwards of 4 months) of which I have to wait to even see if I can meet Her. On top of that, She lives over seas.
I'm at a point that I'm only here to blog. I, actually, was going to pull my pathetic profile down today. I still feel, however, that I can meet up w/ fellow female bloggers to see if there are any connections. When I found out that my blog showed me as a self-pitied, alcoholic, I didn't quite know what to do or say. This really has me in a bind. I like to put on screen what my life is going through at specific moments. Whether I'm struggling b/c of my new affliction, whether I'm whining about being rejected, whether I'm being honest about my drinking or fighting, whether I'm being honest about my latest crush and my thoughts pertaining to me having any chance, I didn't know this would hurt me... It evidentally has hurt me. On one hand I feel that I shouldn't tell the complete truth. I feel that I should make this a poetry blog? Ya, right! LMAO - that would be a quick way to lose whatever readers I have. I feel this should be a statiscal blog? No, I'm too bored to find boring stats. I feel this should be a copy/paste blog w/ funny jokes only? No! It's just not me... I don't know, now, what this should be. I do know that I've always been told to be completely honest w/ my blog. I felt that I have been that, but as of late, maybe not. Maybe I just don't know who I am anymore, b/c that's what it's starting to sound like.
I think I need to take some time out. I think that I need some serious tuning up. Self pity? Ya, she's right. I guess I do have self pity. Maybe that's why I had the recent wake up to my current drinking. Let me please state for the record that this was just a phase! I have drank my entire life w/ no issues. I am NOT an alcoholic! Why do I care what one person thinks? Fuck her? No! She's right. She's not successful b/c she is stupid. I believe that she told me these things to better me. I have to respect that. I think she's pointing out what the other crushes that I've had were too scared to admit to me. I believe that she truly wants to see me succeed (not w/ her) at me obtaining my unobtainable...
4/6/2006 6:08 am
Honesty hurts and no I don't mean her reply to you. What I do mean is putting the real you on your blog as I also do. Lots of people have told me I am "too honest" and share "too much of "myself. What the!! It's my blog for me...too look back at and track my time while I have been here.|
If I was doing it for anyone else maybe I would cut and paste jokes or put more explicit pics of myself up or throw in a few polls, but that is not me. It is right for others and I don't think that any of that is a bad thing we are just all different and blog for different reasons.
Isn't self pity close to self-love? At least it shows you are concerned for yourself and want to move towards happiness.
Now go back to that post you had a while back about who you should be set up with and message those 10 or so women I found for you!!
Told you before we could be twins...I've had that kind of day too.
4/6/2006 7:41 am
A good long look in the mirror every now and then does us all a world of good. It is a fine line between being honest on your blog and to whining on your blog. We all cross the line at times. Some more than others. But if you are going to *talk* about the issues in your life with no attempt to correct them, that is whining.|
4/6/2006 7:48 am
One of those things about honesty is that it only works if you work it. It is a daily thing, a constant thing, and a fearless thing to do right. Being honest on the blog about thoughts and fears is wonderful and therapeutic -- if it is fearless. A fearless and searching moral inventory of who you are and what you are about is required...holding nothing back, almost playing free association with yourself...questioning all the things you think you think...that's honesty when you come down to it. I've found myself, at times, claiming to be honest on the blog but not facing the reality of what I really want to say. The reality of what is going on at times is too hard to admit, or too personal even for me. Getting liberated from that is the key.|
Now, all that having been said, that's the blog life. What about the real world? What about the "role" you play there? THAT is where the honesty matters the most. I love you, man, but I worry that you've outgrown your role in the real world, where life is, where She is, where you actually live every day. Blog should imitate life....right now it isn't. Know what I mean?
All of this is to say that the angst you are feeling could well be a product of the two Crompns: the Blog Crompn and the Real Crompn. Which one is actually, truly you? Just a thought from a fella who cares...
4/6/2006 8:25 am
Your words cut a note, my friend. Blogging is just like a diary... but not secret. Anyone can view it. I for one do not mind what others think of you, me or anyone else for that instance, through blogging. |
You are unique in your own way and have a right to vent your feelings on your blog. That is the uniqueness of YOU as we know you. Carry on blogging, because I will continue to view your thoughts and feelings on life. It is interesting, don't you think?
4/6/2006 8:26 am
A I would be truly sad if you left here ...|
I consider you a friend one whom I would love to get to know better if given the chance outside of here through emails msgs phone ect...
but do what you need to do to make yourself happy in the end it truly is all that matters
I welcome you to the House of Syn...
4/6/2006 8:34 am
First, just want to let you know that I receive far fewer emails since I have started blogging, but mostly the quality of those writing me has improved and are men that I would actually like to meet.|
I do, however, come off MUCH more arrogant on my blog than I am in real life. Many men seem to take offense even to my HANDLE Should one meet me in the real world, they might be surprised to learn that I am both shyer and softer than I come across in my blog. I seriously doubt that you walk through your world looking like you may "appear" in your blog...you simply have the courage to expose your insecurities and failings to the light of day. You take off the social mask that we ALL wear....and I give you BIG points for that courage.
It seems there is lots of good advice from your friend Seriously, who knows you in both worlds.
Take care of You...
4/6/2006 8:46 am
Serious note my friend. If you are even the slightest bit concerned that you may have an alcohol problem, try this test. Go seven days without a drop of the stuff. See if you can do it. I used to have a big problem, I wasn't an alcoholic, but I found that it really had a profound effect on my life and my social activities. Someone suggested that I try this seven day test. I did it, but it was really hard not to have a beer when life was dealing me a shitty hand. I still drink, and sometimes drink a lot, but this exercise was an eye opener for me. I am now in control of my alcohol intake rather than the other way around.|
Just a suggestion.
On a lighter note, who is the better friend? The person who tells you that you have toilet paper sticking out of your pants, or the person who lets you walk around that way?
4/6/2006 10:43 am
it seems as though this blogging is bringing u down. i wanna know who u are in the real world. i dont wanna meet u and say "oh my gawd, youre NOTHING like the way u portray yourself in your blog." i'd rather say, "u are exactly as i knew u would be from reading your blog." i dont blog, but the men that ive encountered on AdultFriendFinder and chatted with via email or i.m. first, have always said, "u are the same silly, crazy, flirty girl in real life as u are talking to u thru the computer." |
so i guess my point is, why be someone in your blog that youre not in every day real life?
who IS the "real" u?
4/6/2006 10:57 am
I cannot even begin to list the things I want to comment on. If I was there or you were here, you'd be in for many hours of discussing this with Aunty Wahine, lol. Here are a couple of the main points:|
Real life vs. Blog life--I've been thinking about this for a couple of weeks, discussing with others, etc and have come to the conclusion that, first of all, we might want to stop looking at it in this way. I'm trying to see it as face to face life vs long distance, internet life. The reason is this - anything we do within a 24 hour period is our Real Life. Just a small point, but it helps me put things in perspective. It also helps me more accurately gauge the ways in which I want to spend my time.
Our blogs--okay, except for the fact that we are ALL lunatics for posting our innermost thoughts and feelings for the world to see...I think the important thing is that whatever we write rings true. And if we're in a whiny place for an extended period of time, so be it. I could relate to what you were saying re: diff in how you come across f2f as opposed to here. I whine a lot in my blog and hardly ever (close to never) do in f2f life.
Purpose of being here--I've pretty much separated being on this site from the idea of "meeting men." The reason is (aside from living an ocean away, lol) that I'm not fully 'myself' when confronted with a man I'm attracted to. So then I get stuck in that honesty vs how I think I should come across bullshit. Yes, I am 21+ years older than you and yes, I still go thru that stuff. Hopefully you are not as remedial as me, lol.
What you're doing is confronting aspects of yourself that need to be confronted. So it feels real sucky to be in the middle of it, but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing.
Man, I'm becoming more verbose than Seriously_Real . Help!
PS: You're doing way better than you think you are.
Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]
4/6/2006 12:33 pm
My Dear Friend Aascrompn|
There are indeed times in our lives when we just plain and simple need to vent and whine for a bit.... and that is okay and it brings about GROWTH... it allows us to become the people we want to be...
remember the saying... "no pain - no gain"
That unfortunately applies here......
You are struggling through some shit here.... you WILL come out the other side... STRONGER.. HEALTHIER... and able to conquer the world!!
Here it is... I do believe in you... I believe you are a good person... I believe you have some issues right now... I believe you are intelligent and witty and a good friend and will make a great husband to some lucky woman one day... I believe you have something to offer the world and the right woman!!!
I also believe you put too much pressure on yourself to fix things RIGHT NOW... some things take time.... I am not a patient person either by nature... but there simply are things that take time.. and working through all this is one of them!!!
I will also say this.... anything worth having is worth GOING AFTER AND FIGHTING FOR!!!
Aas... GO AFTER HER!!! Make plans and go across the pond!!! If it takes a week or a month or a year.... GO AFTER HER!!! She has obviously conected with you in some ways.... DON'T LET GO... DON'T JUST GIVE THE FUCK UP!!!!!
Aas little buddy.... I am not brain.. or any great catch for any woman...... but I will TAKE A CHANCE AND GO AFTER WHAT I WANT... yes sometimes I will win and some I won't... but I REFUSE to sit and just give up without a fight......
I do understand what you mean by the "unobtainable"... but the reality is they are ONLY unobtainable if you are unwilling to put yourself out there and TRY!!!! YES there is risk in that... risk of rejection.. of getting hurt or humiliated... but there is risk in crossing the street to go to work!!! And the possible reward for winning the love of your life far out weighs the reward of WORK!!! It sounds like you are somewhat successful with your work... apply the SAME ATTITUDE!! GO AFTER WHAT YOU WANT!!
Yes this place is somewhat of a "fantasy land".... but make no mistake about it..... IT IS ALSO REAL LIFE.. there are REAL PEOPLE HERE INCLUDING YOU AND ME AND MANY MANY OTHERS!!! And those real people are also dealing with real issues... you are NOT ALONE!!
People want to know the REAL YOU!!! No facades... no pretense... and to be honest with you... if that is what people see (the facades) in your so called "real life"... then THAT is more of a fantasy land than here!!!
Many people here care about you... follow your blog... follow your trials and tribulations... many many will listen.. whine or not... many want to help you.......
You said yourself... you write here to vent and work through things.... if nothing else ignore everyone and just WRITE!! I have found that by organizing my thoughts and putting them "on paper" as it were.. helps me think my own thoughts and feelings through no matter if ANYONE comments or not!! SO DO IT!!!!
Your life will be EXACTLY what YOU MAKE OF IT!!!
You can accept help.. you can accept yourself... you can TAKE ACTION to do something about the parts you don't like... all that is up to you!!!!!
I have said.... I like you, I believe in you and I would like to know you better and to help you find your own happiness what ever that may be.....
So what are YOU going to do about it?? Will you accept our help and do something about it and work through your issues... or will you hide from us and your issues??
BE WHO YOU ARE!!
4/6/2006 4:09 pm
You know the self-pity, you're so depressed, you don't seem to love yourself comments from other people always piss me the hell off. In my opinion it's just a way they can tell you no without saying "Not a chance in Hell". Nobody is born insecure. It's something grown through life experiences. Nobody walks around like they've been trampled on in life if it hadn't actually happened. And when someone blows you off giving you the insecure reason, all they're doing is reinforcing it. If anything it's worse because you end up beating yourself up and thinking you might of had a chance if you'd only been more upbeat or smiled more. |
Sure nobody wants to hang out with someone that is always down, but nobody wants to hang out with that eternally upbeat, disgustingly happy person either. I personally want to hang out with someone that has a realistic grasp on life. I've been told I was a pessimist but I believe I'm a realist. I too realize that some women are unattainable. It would be stupid to believe I had a chance. No amount of being funny or nice or upbeat is going to make them want to be with me. At best it will earn me the "friend" status which means I get to listen to them talk about the guys they screw and the guys they hate.
You believe your blog has hindered you? You notice how many people constantly view your blog and leave comments on it? You're not #10 of the most active male blogs for nothing. That's #10 of probably 1000 actual active blogs. If people didn't like to see what you've written then they wouldn't come here. And they wouldn't leave you nice comments if your blogs somehow brought them down or appeared to be self-pity look at me blogs.
How do I know you're #10? Because it stares me in the face everytime I come here. You're #10 and I'm only in the top 50. It is my goal to catch up with you. But that doesn't appear to be something that will happen unless you stop altogether. While you're new blog gets 100+ views and probably 10 comments minimum, mine gets 20 views and I'm lucky to get one comment. And I'm trying to keep from posting my depressed blogs.
And once again I've shown up and probably crapped all over your blog with my mini-rant. I'm sorry.
4/6/2006 5:07 pm
I think you misunderstood my comment. I know you are honest. I just meant that you open your heart and wear it on your sleeve (as I do).|
Alot of people dont so we dont see their pain as much.
Don't give up..please. You deserve the best and you will get it. How do I know? Because I deserve it to and I have to beleive in that to get through each day.
4/6/2006 5:28 pm
I understand exactly where you are coming from...when you write about yourself on your blog. This is your blog. It's a tool for getting things off your chest, out of your system. It's like an artist's sketch pad. This is your place!!! People come back and respond here because they've come to care about you as a person...because you've share so much of yourself here. Without seeing your email to this friend and her response with my own eyes, I can't really say whether or not I agree with what she appeared to say to you. What I can say is that I don't think you're whining, I think you're putting thoughts out as they come to you...and letting others add their input. I think you take the time to consider what other people have to say...and I think you're wise enough to come to your own conclusions after doing so. |
Everyone here is unique...everyone has their own way of blogging...what you feel like typing in is what you should post...don't ever try to post to please others, because no one can please everyone....don't ever try to paint yourself as something you're not...just be you, and those who love you for being you will come, no matter what...
I just seem to see your blog as therapy for you... But if you want someone to really listen to, listen to wahine above...
I know all about wearing your heart and soul on your sleeve I know what it can do...some people can handle it...I'm not one of those who can brush off what other's think of me...
I know how you feel!!!
4/6/2006 7:13 pm
STOP IT, GODDAMN IT!!!!|
Read wahine's post - again and again until it soaks in. We are ALL shy, we ALL have our issues, we are ALL emotional cripples in one way or another or we wouldn't be here. We wouldn't write in the wee hours of the morning about things we can't tell those closest to us. You know what that makes us? NORMAL! We are people who are trying to reach out and hope someone is listening. We hope that someone can relate to us, give us some kind of validation. What you have here is simply a subset of people who are more comfortable with the written word than other people, that's all.
YOU need to listen to what we are saying, not what YOU want to read into it. Women tell you you're good looking, funny, smart, and YOU hear something different. More people read your blog than mine, you know that? Why? Because you have something to say and they enjoy reading it.
Try merging Mr. Blog and Mr. RL and realize they are both you, and that's a good thing.
We're 1500 miles apart. Otherwise, I'd probably buy you a beer and slap the shit out of you. You know what kind of guy I'm dating? 20 years older, short, bald, bit of a beer belly. Do you know why? Because he treats me better than anyone ever has. He's a nice guy. Period. He makes me laugh, he holds me when I cry. He holds my coat and the door.
Do you know how we met? He sent me an email laughing at my profile and wished me luck finding someone.
God, Mike, you have so much to offer. Get off your duff and find someone who's willing to take it.
Rant over, we now return you to the previously scheduled blog ...