A joke or two...  

aLovelyBrunette 41F
46 posts
2/16/2006 5:28 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

A joke or two...


OK I said I wanted to share some jokes so thats what I'm going to do. And if anyone has any good ones, please share...

TUMMY FLATTENER
A Little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks,
"What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time." says the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.

SURGERY PATIENT
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.
A young nurse comes in to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles groggily from behind the oxygen mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Please tell me, Are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his privates and jiggles them around a bit, takes a close look and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly,"That was very nice, but listen very, very closely -------------------
are......my.........test......results.....back?

(ok, just one more)

LOYALTY IS A MAN THING...
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Now is your turn... got any good jokes?!

rm_alotofPlzr4U 105M

2/17/2006 7:04 am

those are very funny!!!!

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.


ForksFarcyYeast 51M
1 post
2/17/2006 7:11 am

Good ones! I wish I could remember some ..... I have heard some great ones over the years but don't seem to recall the whole joke for long. Must be an art form.


WildWon1982 34M

2/17/2006 7:23 am

Duck Hunt:
A woman gives her 20-year-old son a pet duck for his birthday. Finding the gift wholly lame, but not wanting to disappoint his mother, he takes his duck for a walk around the city. Along the way, he spots a prostitute. Unfortunately, he doesn't have any money. He approaches the hooker and attempts to negotitate. After proving it was his birthday, she agreed to sleep with him in the back alley, and would take the duck as payment. After they shag, he gives her the duck. The duck immediately bites and scratches her. Angered, she throws the duck back at him and runs away. The man continues walking. He goes to a bus stop, and stops to tie his shoe. While he does that, he drops the leash, and the duck goes into the road, where it is promptly flattened by an oncoming bus. The bus driver approaches the man, panicking and apologizing. In the end, he gives the man $50 to replace the duck. The man walks home. When he arrives, his mother asks him what happened.

"Well, I got a fuck for a duck, got the duck from my fuck, and fifty bucks for a fucked up duck."


rm_alotofPlzr4U 105M

2/17/2006 12:39 pm

A Lovely Brunette was walking down Main Street. As she walked past the delicatessen, she glanced into the shop window. There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw-World's Largest Sausage."

Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.

"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once."

So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried the Lovely Brunnette in dismay. "What do you think I am? A slot machine?"


aLovelyBrunette 41F

2/18/2006 7:57 pm

Yep, thats a fucked up duck alright WildWon, LOL!

Loved your jokes alotofPlzr! "She" went for the 20 pounder, huh?! You know, I swear I saw some time last week an 80something year old in AdultFriendFinder. I was cruising around some blogs and there was someones handle I noticed with the age of 80 yrs. Hmmm, maybe it was the day I was up till 12:30 and my eyes were playing tricks on me? Anyway, speaking of 80+yrs, here are some "elderly" joke:

TETANUS SHOT
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch
then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected
behavior,asks,"Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get
out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
getting a tetanus shot!"

FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having
tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and
says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

SUPERSEX
An little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman,
"It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across,gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

(Hmmm, what in the world goes on in those retirement homes? I think we're all in the wrong place, LOL!!)


rm_alotofPlzr4U 105M

2/19/2006 6:21 am

Good Jokes LBrunette!

here's another one for you...

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times"


rm_alotofPlzr4U 105M

2/19/2006 6:23 am

This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.

One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband is home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like crazy out there and I'm naked!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window!

When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running marathon," so he started to run along beside the others - only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes over his arm.

One of the runners asked, "Do you always run in the nude?"

He answered, while gasping for breath, "Oh yes. It feels so free having the air blow over my skin while I'm running."

Another runner then asked the nude lover, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The naked lover answered breathlessly, "Oh yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car and just go straight home without a shower!"

The marathon runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

The nude man answered, "Only if it's raining..."


aLovelyBrunette 41F

2/19/2006 11:19 am

LMAO Plzr, I was cracking up, loved that last one, the marathon runner!Thanks for the laugh *S*


ansky1966 50M

2/19/2006 3:11 pm

Why do women sky divers where jock straps?

So they don’t whistle….


rm_alotofPlzr4U 105M

2/19/2006 4:22 pm

You are very welcome for the laugh LB....

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"


rm_alotofPlzr4U 105M

2/21/2006 4:17 am

Have to add a new one right???

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.


ansky1966 50M

2/21/2006 6:26 am

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new drive through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

*Male Procedure
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Lower your car window.
3. Insert ATM card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put car window up.
7. Drive off -- transaction is complete.

*Female Procedure
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, lower your car window.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate ATM card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert ATM card.
9. Withdraw and reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Stop, put car in reverse, and back up to cash machine.
21. Retrieve ATM card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting and honking behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull away.
25. Redial person on earlier cell phone call.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release parking brake.


aLovelyBrunette 41F

2/21/2006 6:35 pm

LMFAO, you guys are funny! I'll have to come back later to post some good "guy" jokes later ha!


aLovelyBrunette 41F

2/21/2006 7:37 pm

Plzr, that was good, Eve better keep a count on the apples on that tree too! They should be disappearing two by two! "20, 18, 16, 13, what?! who ate an extra apple? I knew it! where's that hussy?!"

Ansky, thank you on that desription of how "challenging" it is for women to park and withdraw from an ATM, LOL! For the record, I dont keep my pin number inside my diary.... its in my pocket calendar! (just kidding) But I cant parallel park if my life depended on it! I haven't gotten a ticket though in 10 yrs! Anyway, here's some instructions on how to change oil in a car

Instructions on how to change the oil in your car - FOR WOMAN

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MONEY SPENT
Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00
TOTAL $21.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 00
2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
1 Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled!
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
2 Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
3 Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over & arrested for driving under the influence.
4 Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

MONEY SPENT
Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00
TOTAL -- $4165.00
BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!


mangomamiCT 41F

2/21/2006 11:36 pm

Too Dam Funny


ansky1966 50M

2/22/2006 4:18 am

the oil change is so true...


rm_alotofPlzr4U 105M

2/22/2006 5:13 am

That's a great one LB....

I knew there was a reason I gave up changing my oil years ago!


rm_alotofPlzr4U 105M

2/24/2006 8:10 am

This was supposed to go here...



A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."

So the cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad ... whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."

So this penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!"


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