Coffee's handbag  

_CoffeeNoCream_ 52F
6527 posts
1/29/2006 6:07 am

Last Read:
2/27/2007 9:13 am

Coffee's handbag

J was reading a magazine the other day and came across a picture of the Queen, resplendent in a becoming Orange frock, three strands of pearls and the ever-present handbag.

“I wonder what she keeps in that handbag…?” he mused
“Pretty much the same stuff I keep in mine I’d imagine.”

At this he burst out laughing.

“I doubt it. What would she want with a copy of FatGirls’s Pocket Calorie and Fat counter, a heap of broken Kinder Surprise toys, wads of bubblegum wrapped in supermarket dockets and dogsnacks ?”

I had no answer. So, as most men do when they’ve got you right where they want you…he continued.

“I could almost guarantee she doesn’t have a parking ticket, an overdue phone bill or a packet of tampons. And I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be carrying around the warranty on a Swatch watch or a Disney Princesses self inking stamp. And this…”
he said, dipping into the surprise package and pulling out a squashed tube of superglue to which was stuck a clothes peg, which was in turn glued to the lense from a pair of sunglasses and a perfectly preserved half eaten chocolate weaten biscuit

“What IS this anyway?”

I hung my head, and tried desperately to think of a way to defend myself.
I plucked out my wallet and waved it at him

“I’ll bet she has one of THESE!”
“Oh yes. Where else would she keep her 100 points worth of I.D. I wonder how many points a silver coin with your head on the back is worth…?”

As J continued to rummage through my personal belongings I made a vengeful mental note to go through his wardrobe and throw out all his favourite threadbare t-shirts.

“And this…why would she carry a pocket thesaurus?
Well, I suppose it might come in handy when you need to come up with a cool phrase like “anus horribilus giantus”.

"Oh look…a bottle of perfume. Yes I guess she would probably carry one of those, although hers would undoubtedly be the REAL version of Chanel 5.
Just look at all this junk. It’s like Tinky Winky’s bag. I’ll be pulling out a fishing rod and an orange bicycle next.

Determined to find something useful and restore my credibility as chief domestic director, and queen of my own household, I plunged my hand deep inside. There was something wet and sticky in the bottom. A ballpoint pen had gouged a hole in the lining of the bag and leaked its contents everywhere.
I wanted to wipe the smirk off J’s face with my inky hand.

“Just show me one thing…one USEFUL thing in that handbag and I won’t say another word...” he challenged.

Okay, I thought. I’m going back in...
I ran my hand along the inside of the ripped lining and pulled out a handful of sweets, a Barbie doll head… and what felt like a piece of folded paper. In a flash, I could taste victory.

“Oh gosh will you look at that!”

I said triumphantly, waving a piece of paper in the air. It was a cheque my grandmother gave me a while ago. I’d shoved the cheque into my bag, meaning to bank it…and obviously forgotten all about it.
I watched J’s smirk dissolve before my very eyes, then I went in for the kill...

“This is fantastic! 200 euro’s will go a long way towards buying me a new handbag. I think it’s about time…don’t you…?”

Liefs Coffee

oldman1776 78M
3164 posts
1/29/2006 9:24 am

LMAO. so funny I like your style.

whiskEynowater 55M
204 posts
1/29/2006 10:00 am

Any wine stains on that bag?.......melted chocolate

rm__AnyGirl_ 51F
246 posts
1/29/2006 10:23 am

What did J say when he retrieved your Mace ...and secondly BOB????

papyrina 51F
21133 posts
1/29/2006 12:03 pm

You can borrow my chanel hun and i bet the queen has no money in her bag

I'm a

i'm here to stay

Erik_Bloodaxe 56M

1/29/2006 1:16 pm

No mention of J's testicles. Surely, they musr be kept in the HB

Erik_Bloodaxe 56M

1/29/2006 1:16 pm

No mention of Mr CNC's testicles. Surely, they must be kept in the HB

micahbiguns 51M

1/29/2006 1:21 pm


leyndokona2 49F

1/29/2006 1:33 pm

works every time eh?

Lioness_girl 45F
3494 posts
1/29/2006 2:21 pm

Got a good chuckle reading this. Thanks for the laugh.


Come have fun! Visit my blog at Lioness_girl

GoddessOfTheDawn 105F
11240 posts
1/30/2006 7:00 am

so it's handbagshopping time soon?

FeistySyn 52F

2/4/2006 4:52 pm


Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?

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