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My Task for The Sex-Prentice
My Task for The Sex-Prentice
Your task is: You are in charge of leading a political lobbying group designed to have US Congress pass legislation recognizing a new National Naked holiday. Tell us the name, date, how the US will celebrate it, and your lobbying techniques. Explain why your Holiday will be signed into law by President Shrub.
Mr. President, Members of Congress, Judges, Distinguished Guests, My Fellow Americans:
I stand before you today to bring forth a message of vital importance for the survival of our nation, our spirit, and our very way of life. For too long our nation has gone without recognizing the beauty within us all. That is why I, on behalf of the National Union of Defrocked Exhibitionists (henceforth known as NUDE), throw our full support behind legislation for the creation of a new national holiday, Brand Nude Day.
This All Ameri-Skin day can, and will be celebrated by all, except for those idiotic prudes who shower with a bathing suit. We invite all Americans to join in and don the nation’s birthday suit.
This most glorious of days would be best celebrated on the following days: June 9th (6/9), September 6th (9/6), March 10th,or the 9th on leap years, or anytime in August. Why these days? It simply falls to logic. The June date can coincide with Father’s Day, and what father wouldn’t want to celebrate his special day by not wearing clothes legally? The September date can coincide with Labor Day, so that the salt of the earth, America’s workers, can sit back, relax, and take a load off, as well as their clothes. The March date(s) would be the 69th day of the year, which would make it easy to remember. If potheads can remember 4/20, us NUDEs can remember March 10th. As for August, it is the only month of the calendar year that has no national or religious holidays. We can insert Brand Nude Day into this open slot, so that the gifting economy can be solid the whole year round.
But how can such a celebration take place? Anyone can be naked, what makes this so special? Well, I’ll have you know that as a former government employee, asking those questions is tant amount to questioning our government, which as we all know, aids the terrorists. But still, I’ll answer them.
There are many ways to celebrate Brand Nude Day. Parades can be held across the nation. The gays have been practically naked the whole time during their parades, so it won’t be that much of a difference. Also, you can have naked gift exchanges. This works well for everyone. For the free spirit, there are flowers, perfumes, and Jimi Hendrix records. They’re probably already dancing around in the nude; this will give them a soundtrack. For the coy amongst us, Hallmark has already begun printing Brand Nude Day greeting cards, which can be used to cover the genitals of the ashamed.
Take the party to the office, where Casual Friday will take on a whole new meaning. Even the naked gift exchange can translate to the work environment. Any office can designate a Secret Sluta, so all naked gift giving can remain anonymous. After the day is done, head down to your local tavern for a Wet No-Shirt Contest. And if the kids get out of line, mom and dad can walk around the house naked. That’ll put the little shits in their place.
You may be wondering why I and my associates came into the halls of Congress today wearing black boards over our junk. It is to symbolize the darkness that surrounds all who would stand in the way of this necessary holiday. Members of Congress, do not try to stop us, for we will prove your own hypocrisy if you do. We know for a fact that every single one of you is naked at some point of every day. And some of you spent a great deal of your pasts in the nude. Senator Clinton, we know for instance, would run around her college nude for hours at a time. Hell, Senator Kennedy’s naked right now. Seriously, Ted, lay off the Johnny Walker.
For the religious idiots amongst us, I mean, spiritual community, I draw your attention to the Bible. Adam and Eve, the first people on Earth, were created naked, and their shame at eating the forbidden fruit was a punishment. They were happiest when they were nude, and had no shame. There will be years when Brand Nude Day would fall on a Sunday, so what better way to celebrate this joining of faith and nudity, than by showing up to church in your Sunday Breast. Hell, even the priest can be naked. If he has an erection when the altar boy approaches, we know who to arrest.
Also, we have already launched our campaign to the people. We have purchased full page advertisements in pornographic magazines. It’s perfect, because it gets our message out there, and the readers barely notice. They see the nude form, as if it were any other page of the magazine, yet the subliminal message of NUDE is implanted in their brain, and they are ready to celebrate, right after they masturbate.
Mr. President, I now address you directly. You will sign this legislation into law. Think about all the good it will do. For once, you won’t have to wear those ugly ass suits when you make your annual press conference with pre-approved questions. Also, it can only improve your approval ratings to see Mrs. Bush’s Bush, and your daughters’ Bush.
We need to send a message to America’s enemies. The terrorists attacked us on 9/11 (begin crying, now) because they hate everything we stand for. Last week in Iraq, two tennis players were killed just for wearing shorts. These extremists are adamantly opposed to showing any skin. And since they’re wholly wrong, the only wholly right thing to do would be to stick it to them by walking around in the buff.
If nothing else, Mr. President, you will sign off on this, cause I’m banking on the fact that you’ll misread the word “Nude” as “New” or “Nudge.” You’ll celebrate Brand Nudge Day by shoving Condoleeza, who will be naked at the time, showing us that her teeth aren’t the largest gap on her body.
We were born naked. When we die, we’ll be naked when the worms eat our clothes. For just one day a year, we must fill in the line by being naked. We will celebrate Brand Nude Day. May God continue to Bless America.
*Walks away from the podium, farts, and the black board on the ass flaps up in the broken wind*
6/16/2006 7:58 am
"the only wholly right thing to do would be to stick it to them by walking around in the buff."|
This is friggin brilliant. I have seriously not laughed this hard in a while.
Forget being the Sex-Prentice. You might be able to start up your own sexual empire.
6/16/2006 8:05 am
LOL, this might have worked with Clinton, but with Bush, I don't know!|
6/16/2006 7:16 pm
This is brilliant WW, you outdid yourself and I'd say you are a shoe in (not to mention some "stiff" competition CC and I need to get to work on winning our group task!|