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As The Burger Flips
As The Burger Flips
10 for the reference.
I've hinted at this story a couple of times. I think I even posted it as a comment on She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's old blog (10) way back when. I figured since I'm having a bit of writer's block, I'd share it now.
Those that know me know I have a fucked up sense of humor and a fucked up mind. There's a reason for it. I've had a fucked up life so far. People wonder why I'm not confident around women, and why I can't get laid. This story has a lot to do with it.
I present for your entertainment and bowel obstruction:
AS THE BURGER FLIPS
It was my senior year of high school. I was working at Burger King, cause no one else would hire me. I was pissed off at the world, cause I was making minimum wage, I smelled like grease every day, I had grease burns and acne all over my body, and I got treated like shit. And that was just the job.
In school I was the most frustrated kid in the class, cause I was the only one to go the whole run of high school to that point without getting a single date. I was approaching the school record for most times rejected (which I eventually broke and still hold). Some thought I was a nerd. They were right. Others were turned off by my rat tail (I grew it for seven years, cause I made a promise, but that's another story). Some thought I was gay, both as a reason not to date me, or as a reason why I couldn't get any dates. Add to that the Burger King job, and the associated food helping me gain 60 pounds, and I wasn't exactly BMOC.
The stage set, let's begin the drama. My best friend was Shawn. He was the same height as me, had a similar sense of humor, and even looked a little like me. We were brothers in every way but blood. As the new year/millenium dawned, he said he was setting me up with a girl.
Her name was Kelly, and she had just started working with me and Shawn at the BK. She was from the next town over, and therefore, had no preconceived notions about me. Seemed like a good opportunity to FINALLY enter the dating scene.
Shawn had hung out with her before, when she first started working with us. She introduced him to a cheerleader friend of her's named Heather. Shawn and Heather hit it off, and the three of them went on group dates. After a while, when it really looked like Shawn and Heather were going to become an item, Kelly confessed her dangerous game. She had only set them up so that Heather, being a cheerleader, would stereotypically find a non-jock like Shawn beneath her, and break his heart, forcing him into the arms of Kelly. Unfortunately, Heather was not in on this nefarious scheme, and was just as shocked as Shawn was. Heather dumped Shawn, to avoid the drama. Shawn, pissed off, decided to pawn Kelly off on me.
She seemed legitimately interested in me. And since I didn't know this whole sordid Heather affair in advance, I went for it.
Boy did she move fast. She started talking about us having sex within days of us meeting. Being a horny 17-year-old, I didn't ask questions. Let's just say I was thinking with the wrong head. During February break, I introduced her to my parents. My step-dad made her cry, by only asking what her father did for a living (she didn't know, as she never knew her father). She was quick to cry at the drop of a hat. My parents warned me not to get in too deep. My step-father specifically warned me against any relationship with a coworker. But being struck by the chance of FINALLY getting out of my shel, I ignored them.
It soon became public knowledge that I, Bill, finally had a girlfriend. The whole school seemed to transform around me. Teachers seemed relieved that I really wasn't gay. Some were surprised to see me smile, something I rarely did in high school, and it carries over today. All the cheerleaders and hot girls that rejected me before openly expressed happiness that I had finally hooked up. Some of them even professed to know how good Kelly and I were together, even though no one saw me with her, nor did they know who Kelly was.
Kelly and I fooled around every chance we got. After work, or during lunch breaks, we'd duck behind a store across the street and make out. I'd cop a feel of her tits, and finger her pussy. During the February break, she came over to my house when my parents were working, and we'd fool around in my bedroom. I'd eat her out, play with her tits, make out with her, all that good stuff.
You may have noticed three glaring omissions. She never went down on me, and we weren't having sex. She wouldn't go down on me because she said "it tasted funny." And she wouldn't sleep with me because I didn't have condoms. I didn't question it. I was thankful for anything I could get, and I knew that her mother had her at the age of 16, so it only made sense that she'd want to be safe. The problem for me was that condoms were hard to come by in my town. I lived in a town in upstate New York that was conservative as an understatement. The Catholic Church basically ran the town. They couldn't prevent condoms from being sold, but they could gouge the price up so that a three pack cost somewhere in the area of $20 a pop. And since I was working part time at minimum wage, $20 was more than I could afford. We also never actually went out on a date. But with condoms being out of my price range, dinner and a movie was definitely out of the question.
Meanwhile, at work, Shawn was getting increasingly pissed off at me. He said he regretted setting me up with her, that she was wrong for me. He chalked it up to the previous drama with Heather, which I found out about a few weeks in to the relationship, but I knew my brother better than that. He had feelings for her, and he was pissed at himself for having them, and pissed at me for having her. I also noticed the more Shawn got angry, the more clingy Kelly became. It was as plain as the grease-induced acne on my face. Kelly was only with me to make Shawn jealous.
The next night, my friend Josh offered me some of his extra condoms, but I refused, cause I was an idiot. I have this thing where I can't be truly dishonest, truly an asshole. I knew that Kelly was so desperate to make Shawn jealous, that at this point, if I had a rubber, she'd bite her lip and sleep with me. But since I knew the plot, and no longer had any feelings for her, I couldn't bring myself to "nail and bail." (10) So I refused the condoms, resolved to break it off, and let Shawn have her. My first rule when it comes to my bros is "Friendship Before Females."
So I broke it off, and Kelly cried, but then again, she would have cried if someone served her rare meat. However, she shockingly got over it very quickly. But there was a hitch. Shawn didn't ask her out right away. So she kicked the jealousy factor into high gear.
She spread rumors about me at work. She said I used her for sex, where a month before she told everyone how great I was with my hands and tongue (a fact that I learned from others was NOT exaggerated, wink). She came this close to publicly accusing me of . I had to convince everyone that it wasn't true, even my closest friends, even Shawn, that not only did I not use her, I broke it off before we even had sex, so it wouldn't look like I used her after the fact. I barely saved my job.
Of course, that having failed, she started crying again, saying I was being mean to her by defending myself and pointing out her lies. Shawn, though still firmly on my side, was becoming sympathetic. Kelly knew she was close, but she had to do one more thing.
We were all virgins when this started. I had the chance to lose my V-card with Kelly. I chose not to, to sacrifice guaranteed sex rather than sacrifice a friendship. She turned in her card, with Josh, using the very condom Josh offered me (or so he bragged). Shawn and Josh were never close. They tolerated each other, but they really didn't care one bit for one another. That tore it, the straw that broke the camel's back. Shawn's jealousy reared like a lion ready to strike. He demanded Kelly for his own, nearly came to blows with Josh, but Kelly came quietly, and happily, and Josh didn't care, cause he at least got some nookie.
So Kelly and Shawn started dating, and as Kelly was quick to taunt me, they had great sex. She tried to offer me consolation by attempting to set me up with her easy friend. Was she easy? Yes. Was she easy enough to go out/sleep with me? No. Apparently even sluts have standards I couldn't meet. The summer after graduation was quite awkward, cause Shawn and I met up for morning workouts every day, and most days, when I went over to his place, it was to find Kelly in his bed, a constant reminder of what I could have had. Even when we worked out, she taunted me about how Shawn looked so much better than me, even though we were practically twins.
At one point that summer, Kelly seemed to think that Shawn didn't like her anymore, and asked me if I'd date her again if they broke up. I pecked her on the cheek and said, "yes," but it was only to placate her so she wouldn't cry.
Kelly was a year behind us in school, so she had to stay behind when we left for our respective colleges. Shawn and I met up on semester breaks, and Kelly went to see him at Oswego every other weekend.
Early in the spring semester, I called Shawn up cause I hadn't heard from him in a while. This was during the whole "let's not lose touch after graduation" phase. He was mad at me, and asked me point blank why I made out with Kelly. I had to rack my brain to figure out what he was talking about. Turned out he was referring to that peck on the cheek over the summer. I assured him of my honor, but he still seemed bothered, and two months later, I found out why.
Shawn had long suspected Kelly of cheating on him, but couldn't prove it. So he let slip to one of his college buddies, while Kelly was within earshot, that he was planning on proposing to her. He'd even bought the ring. The next weekend, Shawn came home unannounced, and followed Kelly home from work. His heart was ripped out of his chest when he saw her making out with some dude on the hood of his car. She tried to blame Shawn, for scaring her with the prospect of marriage, that she fled to the arms of another man. Since all this sordid shit happened right before finals time, Shawn flunked half his exams. His grades never recovered, and he flunked out of college the next semester.
Josh is serving in the US Army. He's been engaged twice, but broke it off both times. He still has no problem getting women.
Heather went to college on a cheerleading scholarship, and never spoke to Shawn or Kelly again after graduation.
Kelly ended up getting married a couple years ago. Don't know to whom, or if they're still married, but she's got two kids.
Shawn went completely bonkers. After dropping out of school, he roomed with a coworker and his family, who happened to be Pentacostal Christian. After losing a half-assed evolution vs. creation argument, Shawn converted to full-on Pentacostal. I haven't seen him in three years, but I heard he's still whacko Christian, and he got married two months ago. My best friend didn't even attempt to find me to invite me to the wedding.
As for me, I could have had some sex, but abstained over stupid friendship. It took three more years to finally turn in the V-Card, and all my relationships and potential ones have been to clingly, needy, over-emotional, fucked up women.
And people wonder why I'm single.
7/15/2006 6:55 am
Well WildWon, believe it or not, I never got asked out on a date in high school either. I was a different person then and basically considered a nerd. There is really no one from high school that I keep in touch with, those are days I would rather not remember. Like I said before dont get married unless you are really sure and ready to settle down, I learned the hard way.|
I'll have a cafe, mocha, vodka, valium latte to go please!
Good girls go to heaven.....bad girls go down!!
7/15/2006 3:39 pm
Damn WildWon, that's quite a story. Put it aside and join us.|
WildWon you are invited!
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