Anybody who says I can't blame myself can fuck off!  

WildWon1982 34M
625 posts
5/25/2006 5:48 pm

Last Read:
5/27/2006 7:06 am

Anybody who says I can't blame myself can fuck off!

I was supposed to meet someone last weekend. We were both terribly excited. Seeing her was all I looked forward to the whole week. The last words she said to me was that she'd call me when she got back to CT. We never met. And now I know why.

She was in a horrible car accident on the way back for the weekend. According to sleekmako, she called from the road, asking her to check e-mail to find a phone number, cause she didn't have her normal phone. And then it happened. As far as I know, she hasn't woken up yet.

She was coming to see me. It had to be my number she was requesting, cause I e-mailed it to her the week before. She was going to call me cause I had to work Saturday, and she was going to check on me, see if I was out, so we could finally meet.

When she didn't make it back, I had a weird feeling. Maybe she was held up, maybe she stood me up. After Monday, I got worried. No call, no e-mail, not even an update to her blog. Today, I see a comment on her blog asking for prayers. I follow the link to mako's blog, and I confirm my worst fears.

Maybe I don't have the right to beat myself up over this. After all, we've still never met. But anyone who knows me outside this blog knows how I feel about her, how at the last M&G all I cared about was the fact that she couldn't make it, how happy I've been lately at the prospect of finally seeing her, and now this has happened. And it happened in her efforts to see me. If it weren't for me, for this glorious weekend we were going to have, perhaps none of this would have happened, and she'd be okay.

If there's a just and loving God up there, bring her back, make her well.

LilSquirt_4mfm 67M/67F
3394 posts
5/25/2006 7:34 pm

when i was 5, i threw a ball which went into a street ...... the boy who had minutes before given me a little kiss, my first of course, and told me i was his girl friend, .... ran into the street after the ball i threw ... and was killed instantly.

for decades i felt responsible ..... allowing this guilt to keep me from loving anyone ... from having a day without guilt

only now, decades later am i finally realizing that, while i threw the ball accidently onto the streeet ... i didnt "kill him" ... only now can i say that ... i always said ... "i killed that boy"

you are not "responsible" ... it just happened ..... u did nothing bad to make it happen ...... just as im not responsible ... you are not responsible ....... it just happened.

LilSquirt_4mfm 67M/67F
3394 posts
5/25/2006 7:36 pm

so ... u still wanna tell me to fuck off??? ... huh

NSAAddict 42F

5/25/2006 8:14 pm

She's in my prayers too hon and my heart goes out to you for what you're feeling. You can't blame yourself, take that energy and send good thoughts out into the universe for her. She's a strong woman and a fighter, she'll pull through. Hugs and Prayers...

champagnechaser 41F
1639 posts
5/26/2006 4:51 am

You cannot blame yourself, the situtation was not in your control. I know this is especially tough for you considering your feelings and the lack of information available about her condition. Stay strong.


sleekmako 40F

5/26/2006 9:59 pm

I have tried to contact you , I will post about Mango soon

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