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Where am I?
Where am I?
While desperately rifling through my pants and jacket pockets, I could only hope that I might find some clue that would enlighten me as to last night's events.
When one is woken by the sound of high pitched screams coupled with, "SOMONE CALL THE COPS"..!!! it can tend to leave you a bit confused. It did not take long for me to realize where I was. (Six, hysterical, chain smoking women in white gowns partially blocking the Sign that read "Betty's 1st step toward a full recovery starts with you"..! Yes I had, in my drunken stupor, somehow made my way to the women's section of the Betty Ford Clinic. What was even more shocking was that I was naked from the waste down and seemed to be using my pants as a pillow.
I did the only thing a man can do in a situation like this. I stood up and calmly put on my pants and told the woman standing closest to me. "Okay, get the rest of the girls together and we will go over what you did wrong in this situation."
She, being smart, realized that this had only been a test and relayed this information to the others. The little group quickly dispersed.
The area now clear around me, I fixated on the first clue of my previous evenings misadventure, an empty bottle of Jimmy Walker Black. (While not necessarily a well known brand, it happens to cost about 80% less than its counterpart. Plus the slogan "It's DynoMite!!!".. is very catchy). Anyway, I kicked the empty bottle down the hall and quickly made for the opposite exit.
So, now I sit looking at the contents of my pockets struggling to reconstruct the previous evening's series of events.
Let's see....I had $18.00 (all ones)..2 peep show tokens..a condom wrapper,(things were looking up)!... an empty bottle of Anal Ease. (things just came crashing down)....a snorkel....a playing card with an old lady on it...and finally, a receipt listing everything except for the playing card and the Anal Ease. (Good, must not be mine.)
Well, it all seems pretty clear to me now. I started the night off babysitting my neighbor's kids, where I drank all of their beer and sleeved the Old Maid when the little snot noses thought they had me beaten. Since I had a buzz on I sent them to bed for cheating and started on the vodka that was in the freezer.
With the $25.00 of cold cash I banked babysitting as well as the $17.37 in change that I won from the kids playing Old Maid, I must have gone straight to the only place a man of new found wealth would go, Dirty Dancing of course. After all they had a new door man who didn't know I was banned and I could usually lurk in the shadows for 45 minutes to an hour before one of the girls recognized me. Once kicked out I probably stopped at Habu's Peep Show- "Foxy Girls and Minimart". I must have seen a few shows, got horny, bought a snorkel of course, and the Jimmy Walker, "It's DynoMite! you know".Then made my way to the Betty Ford Clinic.
I once read that only 42% of the attendees actually graduate and remain sober. Well that means only one thing to me. You guessed it! I can show up there with a cheap bottle of booze and play the percentages that there will be a 58% chance I can get one of them loaded and thus get myself laid. Genius I know.
I haven't told anyone this, but the odds of success thus far have been much better than the article suggested. You just have to space it out over 6 weeks so as to time each visit with a different graduating class.
Well, now that I solved the mystery of my previous evening's endeavors I think I feel pretty good about myself. Anal Ease aside, It was in fact a very successful night. Especially since I had enough money left over to cure my now mind bending hangover.
A 12 pack and two orders of Chili and Cheese Nachos later, all was well in my universe...