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The crossing guard
The crossing guard
Stop the Planet!! I’m getting off!!... I mean who in the hell is driving anyway. Haven’t we all been told not to accept rides from strangers? You ever feel like that? I do, especially when I think I am firmly in control of something only to have it fall apart like a 4 case beer can pyramid. Take today for instance. It all started out like a normal Monday, I woke up, poured myself a bowl of Fruit Loops, reached into the fridge and extracted an empty carton of Orange Juice. What no Orange juice? Damn! No big deal really I will just have a Gin and Tonic instead.
After indulging in sufficient sustenance for the morning I skipped out the front door in a great mood, only to see the 9 year old paper boy throw my copy of the Trailer Times in the bushes again. That was it, I was getting tired of this and I had already asked him nicely. I acted quickly and threw my half full beer hitting him in the ribs and knocking him off course just enough that he endo’d over the broken toilet in front of Eunice Gasbags trailer. He landed in this year’s pile of cigarette butts that Eunice had raked from her front yard so he had some padding when he hit. As he got up I went over to him and simply stated “Did you see how I followed through to my target? That is how you make an accurate toss, my friend.” I then helped him straighten his handle bars and sent him on his way.
Today was going to be a good day for sure, I had done my first good deed and wasn’t even noon yet. Although the deed was a bit tarnished by the screams I heard coming from the boy’s trailer a half hour later. His mom was giving him the belt because she was sure he had been smoking on his paper route again. Oh well, on to my next act of selfless assistance to those lacking my wisdom and understanding of how things should be.
The k-car was running good today, that and the $3.16 I put in the tank might even get me all the way to town. Once there I could scrounge enough change out of the park fountain to get home, but definitely not before I had successfully achieved today’s goal of truly changing some ones life for the better. I figured everything happens for a reason and today my calling was probably to help children. So I pulled over, bought a twelve pack, and headed for the elementary school on 6th street. It didn’t take long for me to note that the old geezer the school had hired to direct traffic was doing a crappy job. He was entirely to slow and inefficient. He would walk all the way to the middle of the street hold up one hand towards traffic, and wave the kids across with his other hand. Once across safely the old timer would slowly hobble back to the side of road. The whole process took almost 4 minutes and was completely unnecessary.
The old guy, being totally senile, believed me when I told him his dog was on fire and immediately shoved his walker towards home. I then recruited a fat kid to hold my beer while I put out the detour signs. Since I live between two interstates I happen to know a bit about traffic. I routed the traffic across the soccer field and through the yard of the house on the corner, genius on my part as now the traffic could flow unabated by the "Geezasuarus", and the kids could now cross the street at will. Unfortunately, I was only able to admire my good deed for 3-4 minutes before the Moronic Principal of the school showed up flanked by 2 police officers.
Forced yet again to think on the fly and use my superior mind to explain the situation, I did just that. I told the Principle that when I drove up the old Codger they had hired to do the job was following some women with strollers down the street yelling “Hey MILF wait up”. I then explained that I was only doing this to help the kids and I guess the fat one must have appreciated it because he went and bought me a twelve pack. Now that we were all on the same page I was able to go on my way while the police went to look for the Senior Stalker and the principal marched the fat kid off to the office to call his parents.
This is where the day goes to crap. My K-car, unable to convert the fumes in the tank into significant horsepower sat stalled at the stoplight 3 blocks from “Dirty Dancing”. Great!…. Now not only would I have to walk the whole rest way to the strip club, but I would have to do it without beer since the principle had taken it as evidence. Do you see what I mean about being along for a ride thinking you know where you are going? After all I had done to help out today, I was being dealt this BS hand….
Oh well, Monday being the day after church, there was at least $17.00 in the fountain and my clothes would be dry in an hour or two….So there was that.
2/1/2006 11:44 am
Just when I think I am the only one who can ramble on about the crazy shit in my life, someone else out there shows me I'm not alone!! LOVE THIS POST!! YOU Rock!|