WellhungTrigger 43M
267 posts
6/15/2006 7:36 pm

Okay, this was originally posted on another bloggy site of mine, last night as a matter of fact. But I feel like ya'll deserve to read it too.

It's late again, but like all good writers, I must write when inspiration strikes. Strike while the iron is hot, and a fine blade will be your reward.

A couple of months ago, I got my second DUI. This one led to the confiscation of my vehicle. After contacting my friends, they took me back to the place I would bed that night. Through frustration, anger, embarassment, and anguished tears, I wrote the following words:

I don't think I'll do this anymore,
I won't be happy here any longer.

I never really was.

I'm leaving.

I'll pay off the lawyers and do what I must.

But I don't belong here.

I never have.

I hate it. Ya'll have been so good to me.

I love ya'll so much for it.

But I cannot stay.

I'm sorry.

But I will not be who I can become

untill I return.


Untill now, I understood those words to mean that I would go on a great journey, that I would see many things, never experienced in my life.

I considered many options, including, but not limited to:

A) moving to Louisiana and helping with the rebuilding efforts going on there. I am a very accomplished carpenter, and I was sure that my knowledge and skills would be appreciated down there. The lure of a larger paycheck did nothing to dissuade me, as well. I have been studying a bit of Spanish in the last couple of years, (as well as led a Spanish-speaking-only crew,) so I figured this could only help my employment oppurtunities, as well as a refresher course on the language.

joining the Navy. I entertained the idea of joining the armed forces for one reason, and one reason only: see the world. Little else appealed to me about the armed forces, even though I do enjoy guns, strategy, and technology; using these gifts to inflict pain and suffering on people who can't understand why you are doing so didn't quite appeal to me.
But I was very excited about seeing different countries and meeting people of different cultures. How does the saying go? "Join the military, travel the world, visit foreign nations, meet exciting people of different cultures... and kill them!" That part didn't sit to well with me.
But my romantic dream of seeing the world was not deterred, I even quit using drugs (some had become a staple of everyday life in the past,) to ensure that no complications hindered my enlistment process.

C) for a fleeting moment I actually considered moving to Mexico. My Spanish is well enough to get around down there, and my love affair with the Mexican people and their culture will never die. Unfortunately, I will die, If I get locked up in some Mexican Prison! So, that dream did not last too long. I tucked it away, best saved for when I really need it.

It's been some number of months since that event-filled night. This evening, while reading of some other adventures, my mind kept returning to that fatefull bit of prose, scribbled in the middle of the night on the last scrap of paper in a historied ledger. I could no longer read the book that enveloped me, the words were read without recognition. I paused, and wondered why ka continued to bring me to my words. As I shut the book, I realized what my prophesy was revealing to me.

In life's journey, one must face many crossroads. Some are forced upon us, ka's fate. The other ones, the hardest to choose, are made by ourselves. We make these decisions everyday, with little or no thought as to what the final outcome may be.

When I wrote those words, some months ago, I was preparing myself for a long journey of many miles and many steps in my shoes. What I didn't realize was that the journey was begining in my mind, and my soul.

All my life, I have had a thirst for knowledge. To read everything within grasp, to learn of many a different science and school of thought. To acquire knowledge, at least some, of all things, great and small, has been my passion, my reason for being. I realize now, that I had let my self down. I had gone against my own reason to exist, my self-imposed quest had been dethroned by my own lack of self-preservation.

Soon after that dreaded evening, I decided upon joining the armed forces, as this would aid my thirst for knowledge, and enable me to meet many different people of varying cultures. After this decision, I quit doing drugs, partying, and getting sloshy four nights a week.

This was the journey that I was supposed to embark upon. The ability to quell these desires, to disspell my vices, was the first step of my trek. While going out nearly every night is a great way to meet people and win friends, I had let my soul and mind rest, and too much rest imparts lethargy.

With my clearer mind, I could see the person I was when I was high, I was paranoid, mindless, apathetic, and my soul was embarassed to be in such a state. Why did I allow it to continue for so long? How did I let my mind sleep for more than a decade? I was uninspired, unhinged, and unthoughtful, and I was not the person that I could become!

This is what my written words told my future self, that I could not become who I could be, untill my return. The state of my being and my hatred of it, is evident in every line of my prose, "I won't be happy here any longer. I never really was. I don't belong here. I never have. I hate it. I cannot stay." and most importantly, "I will not be who I can become, untill I return." Very wise words, coming from a drunk man. A good friend told me once, "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts." Words well headed, my friend.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not the picture perfect example of sobriety, I still go out, still have a few beers with friends, and still enjoy the evening. But when it is done responsibly, and not every other night, you realize what it is meant to be: a treat. A reward for a week of hard work, or an accomplishment well done. Such prizes are not meant to be doled out with such ease.

I now know why I wrote those words, why I saved them, and why I was brought to read them again tonight.

"Life's a journey, not a destination." -Steven Tyler

-Untill next time, I will continue becoming.


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