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If I were King
If I were King
If I were King I would first want to be Queen because as we all know the Queen really holds all the power. I would then decree that all power transfer back to the King and then I would want to be King again (I really have no latent desires to be female. I enjoy them way too much as a male). Anyway, back to my premise. The thought of being King at first provokes thoughts of power, wealth and all the ice cream you can eat. It can start you head spinning thinking of all the things you want, need or covet. Heck let's face it; it's more about coveting than actually needing. So let me step out of my selfish suit and see if I can come up with things I would really do if I were King.
The first thing I would do if I were King (right after that whole King Queen power trip thing) would be to change the title. King simply evokes all the wrong images to me. Visions of kissing rings, eating with the correct utensils and not being able to release natural bodily functions come to mind. As does the need to learn how to wave properly and learning how to respond to the words "your highness". While I am quite tall and highness may be appropriate I can't see being called "your Highness" all day long. Besides, currently when people ask me "How's the weather up there?" I usually just spit on them and tell them it is raining. Being reminded how tall I am all the time with "your Highness" would simply dehydrate me. I think I would rename the title to Carl. While it appears a little silly at first "your Carlness" would keep me grounded and help me to remember I am here to serve the people or at the very least to serve guys and really ugly women named Carl.
The next thing I would do is lose the crown. I have never particularly liked hats and especially not heavy ones. Besides we all know that the crown was originally conceived to hide a bad hair day. Originally Kings really hated fixing their hair and since they were the King they didn't have to. Until of course the Queen got involved. They tried wearing baseball caps but then they just looked like loud obnoxious baseball fans, which wouldn't do since baseball had yet to be invented. Yes, I would definitely loose the crown. I would also loose the cape as I find it quite useless to wear one without having the ability to fly. Wearing a long velvet cape would just remind me that I can't.
Then I would do a whole bunch of things that would help people. Oh, I'm not talking about the typical Beauty Queen things like solving world hunger or bringing world peace. I would do things like:
Require all subjects to take a walk on the beach at sunset at least once a week. If for no other reason just to see how small they are next to the ocean.
At least once a year bankers and accountants would need to walk and sing in the rain even if they sounded like Mr. Ed. They really need to be reminded that rain is wet and singing in the rain serves no logical function other than to serve no logical function (it can also be fun if you just let it).
Candle lit bubble baths would be the norm and not the exception.
Everyone would need to know how to bake bread. Bread is one of those things that everyone takes for granted (not to mention numbers, wall to wall carpeting and tires).
Grandparents would take classes in making balloon animals.
Parents would be trained not to yell (yes, it is a training issue).
All children would have their own ponies and cotton candy machines.
Work would be a four-letter word. Ooops, I guess it already is.
Oh yes, if only I were only King.
But I am not King.
However, in a sense I am King of myself… so I guess I could affect change... I guess I could… start baking bread... taking walks on the beach… learn to make balloon animals… buy my kids a pony…
I think I’ll just start with the bread thing.