|Blogs > VirtueofPatience > Pale Moon's Light|
I know it's a little difficult to read, as is.
I'll come back later and add color codes to the notes. At the moment, I'm exhausted.
Stay (Wish Won’t Burn The Poison From You Mix)
(The title refers to how I did everything that I could to satisfy my desire for her to stay . . . Sometime's I thought she lied because part of her wanted to stay too. Poison refers to the sea of alcohol, xanax, clonopins, opoids, coke and whatever else she swallowed to kill her concience and liver.)
Like a fire burns away
(Fire was chosen because it's fickle, constantly changing, without a concience, voracious, self-destructive, dangerous, hard to handle, and leaves a permanent scar if you get too close for too long. Nearby combustables become hidden by chemistry that creates smoke and ash(ly)es.)
Like the sunlight turns to shade
The warmness from you
Fades away while you are gone
And this love grows cold
Sitting on the shelf you put it on
I tried to talk to you about it, but you
You act as if you take it down
Your whole wide world will just burn to the ground
(An addict will rationalize the most horrible immoralities to get another fix. "I need to go to work to pay my monstrous debt. I need to get fucked up to put up with this job. I drank so much that everything I did wasn't my fault. Excuses designed to disguise a monster that hides behind a little girl's voice, makeup, smoke and mirrors.)
If you let it out the changes come again
When something triggers them
Don’t say that you can persevere without
Is it gold or loneliness that drives you to me?
(I heard "I'm not using you for money." almost as many times as I heard her outrageous requests for it.
I know I complicate things
Just like fire, truth will burn you
(Unchecked and unregulated, self-medication will eventually hurt more than it helps.)
Like a fire, it will burn you.
Like a fire ever changing
Like the sunlight’s rainbows hiding
You disappear for days
(Often, I was stood up for dates she requested, probably because she was sleeping off yesterday's hangover.)
And I don’t know where you are
(Not at the hospital - probably at a hotel, a bar, or her dealer's.)
You say you’re making your way
(I was really busy working at my 2000 dollar a week job, but I was wondering if you could help me make my 900 dollars in monthly bills because the dealer ate my purse.)
The facts say leave but my heart says stay
(The text messages from her "ex" boyfriend demanding to know why I sent all the sweetheart notes to "his" girlfriend.)
Right on this shelf I sit and wait for wintertime
("Can I borrow some money to get my car fixed? I'll give you my half of the money for the vacation costs before we go, the pregnancy test was negative, I disappeared for 2 months because I was working overtime, I can't really afford to pay you back for fixing the car or pay you for the trip or any of the other money I borrowed."
When conception dies and I can see
(99.99 percent accurate, what a coincidence.)
The look inside your eyes has changed again
(Sad, blank, mad about being caught lying, glassy, dialated, half open.)
Time spent numb on other men,
(Monogomy wasn't my request, I only asked for honesty and that it not be about greed . . .)
No regret you trade your skin for bitter pills
While you and me, you broke the deals
So many times, I let it slide
(Awww, give her a break, everyone makes mistakes.)
Your lies just complicate things
Like a fire, you have scarred me
Worse than fire, you have burned me
Like a fire sparks again
While the sunlight’s beaming in
I call and you return to me but
I can’t believe you are who you say
The truth you pushed too many times
Behind the lies that hide your crimes,
(Took everything and promised everything back. Gave nothing back. Covered up the truth and lashed out when it is discovered. Murdered love and pretended that it was inconsiderate, deceptive, greedy and demanding like herself.)
You’re barely bones when winter fades away – to spring
(Lost that weight really fast, must have burned those empty calories running from the truth.)
You starve yourself - I waste the days
(Bipolar Epileptic Anorexic? More like stimulants, depressants, and tranquilizers.)
I didn’t see you do these things
Your free time’s spent with other men
Yours doesn’t hurt like mine
(If I miss someone, I call.)
One more time, the truth is broken
The prayer on my lips go out to you,
Despite those things you put inside
I hope you stay alive
(The girl I loved died long before I met the monster that was wearing her shell.)
But my faith just complicates things.
Like a fire you just burn
My fuel away until it’s gone
(Please? I swear, this is the last thing I'll ask for.)
You stop it just to start again
(Oh, gosh, I wasted all of mine, can I have just a little bit more of yours?)
If you don’t find a way without, you’ll never win
(Another breakfast beer, eh Kailee?)
The feeling dies again
(Possible side effects: mumb and cold.)
I know full well what you’ve have done
(Lied, cheated, stole and killed.)
Frustration beats me like a drum
I run because your monster
(The monster inside her, not the chubby assholes with the sideburns or the jerks in the suits.)
chases me away
Those times I found you faking
Rules just there for breaking
("Well it's his fault for trusting me. It's not my fault I lied. He should have used me and beat me like the guys I usually chase."
(How's that liver doing, Erin? Enjoy your stay at the methadone clinic?)
Right now you eat another pill
Numb from bottles made for pain or fear
(Painkillers and anti-anxiety. How come they call it dope?)
The things you trade for love
(Opiates also numb emotions, the benzodiazopines known as xanax or clonopin can be mixed with alcohol to really fade the more vivid memories.)
Flames they burned this one last song
I fade away, forever gone,
(Well, I still have to see the bitch in court.)
Like a fire, life burns on.
I also still have to suffer from a scarred reputation. In order to prevent me from filing a civil suit for unpaid loans, I was presented papers that prevent me from reminding her to repay me. I was also presented with jail time (only briefly, ROR because my record is virtually nonexistant), because apparently I brutally injured her with my shoulders when she ran up and pushed them - standing and looking shocked is apparently enough provocation to justify assault. Permanent record. I guess that's what she meant that day in the rain when she promised to repay me somehow.
At this point I've wasted $8800 on legal fees and countless hours refuting unprovable claims. My final case is pending trial in Floyd County this February, unfortunately I can't afford any more legal fees. It cost $5000 to watch the docket get delayed over and over. Her uncle's girlfriend is, apparently, the judge.
Beyond that, it's kind of depressing knowing that a fortune was lost in the past few years and I didn't get to spend more than half of it. -$25000 in "gifts" made to a charity known as Hooker Needs to Buy Her Asshole a Car to Drive Around when He Cheats on Her. -$5200 in unpaid loans, also made to my antagonist or her auto body mechanic. -$30000 in valuable uninsured heirlooms lost during a crime spree committed by a consortium of persons that she used to deal with including her friendly neighborhood pill dealing wheelchair bound mafia kingpin, his moody cousin the regretful fencing patsy, a goofy drug dealing con artist that resembles Shrek, her short dirty overweight car thieving crackwhore pimping ex-coke dealer, and her evil plastic hearted ex-roommate. Equally destructive to my finances, her cousin's ex-husband who stole my dog, a credit card, an $800 microphone, my acoustic-electric guitar, countless bottles of top shelf liqour, destroyed heirlooms gifted to my grandparents on their wedding day, and commited countless other crimes against my finances under false pretenses while the local authorities apparently condoned his behavior and actually chided me for "letting him" break in my home while I was gone. It's not who you are, it's who you blow.
Hello, you've reached the voicemail of America's justice system, please leave a message. We're busy misappropriately filing your forms, freeing people we've trained to become more productive criminals, displacing caregivers, accepting inappropriate favors and generally creating more problems. If this isn't enough to make you immediately lose hope, please contact counseling services and they will help you to numbly accept reality with medication designed to keep you occupied while you wait for a field trip.
2/8/2006 5:50 pm
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