5:00 am and the thoughts are killing me.......  

48 posts
7/18/2006 3:32 am

Last Read:
8/13/2006 12:11 am

5:00 am and the thoughts are killing me.......

Its 5 :00 am and the thoughts are killing me.I suffer from sleep deprevation and alot of that comes from the military and now having to bury my only son of 2 this past memrial day weekend.The day before actaully.I've been sitting up alot of nights not being able to go to sleep thinking of my past and wondering about my future.How does a man cure things like this?I can't sleep at night hardly without nightmares and bad memories.During the day I find myself daydreaming about the fun times I had with my son and watching him grow up and planning years ahead,fishing,hunting,teaching him to ride a bike,his first girlfriend,his first day of school,his first car.The smile on his face when I came home from work and trying to struggle to get away from anyone who was holding him when I came home to see him run up to me saying,"Dad Dad Dad,truck" and pointing to the driveway.Lifting him up and carrying him outside to drive a couple of times around the block of our neighborhood allowing him to stand on the seat in front of me and attempting to drive and constantly smashing the horn on my truck which was the dixie theme by the way.*smiles*I loved him so much.Then comes his mother into my mind.A young woman of 24 that was 5'4" and weighed around 135 lbs. wet.Long flowing red hair and a smile that would light up the night at any given time.A real head turner.I gave up a whole life to be with her because I was in love with her.Laying on a couch beside her for hours until we fell asleep watching a movie with her head in my lap or snuggled into my shoulders.Taking showers together and always ending up fucking just about anywhere in our house including on top of the wash machine because so many people talk about the spin cycle...lol..stairs,shower,bed,coffee table,dining room table,floor,chairs,tub,shower,hottub,jacuzzi,truck,car.....you name it we probabily did it there to.I keep trying to compare all the women who do get interested in me to her.To this one woman who ripped my heart out,stepped on it and then forced me to bury my own son way before I thought it was his time because she was always in a rush to get home to get on the fuckin computer.Now I sit back and think about all the good times and what happened to them.Why can't I feel the happiness and smile the way I use to?Why do I always feel like breaking down and just going nuts and giving up?Why do I want to not have a care in the world sometimes and just toss the shit up in the air and let it land where it falls?Why do I still try so hard to make people happy when they themselves don't seem like they are trying to make me happy or seem to be distant even from me and their the ones attracted to me?

Yes,I have some trust issues and I can't open up completely to anyone right away.It's not my fault entirely.I went through an eight year marriage with a woman that never had to lift a finger to earn a dollar because I started my own buisness when I retired and there was always money there if she needed anything.The same went for my ex-fiancee' of four years.My ex-wife cheated on me with another guy when I was out working my ass off and I do not know for how long she was doing it either.I know I didnt come home in my truck on this particulier day and I did not park in my parking place but I walked in the house to find our bedroom door closed and my dog outside the bedroom.This is odd to me because my dog is always in the bedroom when its shut and he sleeps next to me at night or at my feet.He sleeps on the recliner with me.The damn thing thought he was a lap dog.He was a full grown chow/golden retriever mix.The size of a full grown chow.Now I have several people interested in me again and I am tired of being alone.I want that person next to me at night when I sleep.I want to wake up and see the smile on their face and the sun breaking through the window and shining across their beautiful smile.I want them to wake up and see me next to them and be able to cuddle right back into me and go to sleep again beside me on my days off where I can sleep in if I so desire and I am able to.I want to fuck for 6 hours straight again and send a woman through 13 or more multiple orgasms during one session of fucking.I want........Yeah ...I want to be happy again.I'm tired of being a Dr. Hitch for all my friends and trying to help their relationships and fix their problems.I'm tired of being the one all my friends turn to for advice on relationships,marriage and everyday problems.I'm tired of fixing everyone's car or vehicle for them when their in a pinch and can't afford to pay a shop.I'm getting down right tired of being nice......WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!!!???????Is that such a hard thing to ask for in this day and age?A woman that will be loyal and faithful 100% of the time?A woman that knows she won't need another man to satisfy her because she has one coming home from work.A woman who can make you feel loved,happy and needed?A woman that can put up with the disgusting little habits like smoking cigarettes and having an occassional drink every now and then.A woman that can deal with a southern accent and the way a southern man walks,talks and acts in his everyday life.How come it's so hard to find someone to settle down with who is your age or even older sometimes.I can not find a woman who can deal with the way I walk,talk,keep long hair,have my southern Morals and values,big trucks and country music.Someone just put me out of my misery.Find something good to do it with to.I've been stabbed or cut 37 times in my life and shot twice.I have to many battle scars and I am beginning to believe I am not allowed to die but I mujst sit in this world in complete misery of solitude and being alone.Given the oppertuniy to see happiness.Experience joy with a child and then have it all taken away for some kind of fuckin punishment.I can't even see dad's outside fixing a fuckin bicycle tire for their kids bike's right now or a mother playing in the playground in the sandbox with thier children because it drives me right into the ground like someone or something from above just pushed a huge ass boulder over on top of me.The weight is unbearable.I will put a picture of My ex-fiancee',child and myself up for all to see for this blog entry.You have have a good day.I am going to take a shower and begin my first job.Get off at 3:00pm and go to my second job.I will be home around 10 or 11pm tonight.You all enjoy your day and if you have a child or children.Be sure to give them a hug and let them know every chance you get how much you love them.I always did and I still do to this day every chance I get when I see his baby picture tacked to the dash of my truck.My son goes everywhere with me now.

A loving father,
Michael Dean Smith

smoothnjuicy4u 50F

7/18/2006 7:43 am

Hi Michael,
I know writing that wasn't easy for you. But I hope you feel alittle better sometimes writing it all down helps ,but not always. Grief is such a personal thing hun. I know you are not stupid and problay already know this but believe me oneday when you remember them you will smile, it took me 15 years to think of my stepdad and not hurt like hell. Now when I do think f him its like a warm blanket covers me. I am so under qualifed to give advice to you but I can always listen ok.
I do have a queston for you, have you reached out to any of these family or friends whom you are doing everything for?? Could it be maybe they don't know what to say to you?? Think you don't want or need help?? I am the strong one in my family so everyone comes to me for hlep and never think I need it either. They are pretty selfish peeps anyways. But you gotta reach out hun to find out.
Will you do me a favour, I know you are mad at HIm and thats ok He doesnt care, please go to church there are people there who really do want to help you, maybe some of your questions can be answered I dont know, I just know in my darkest hour when noone else seemed to care, I walked into a church and felt welcome and eventually the peace I was looking for. . Now I am realistic too some churchs or no good, so don't choose not to go because of bad experiences ok.. Anyways it was just a thought.

sincere hopes and prayers of Peace2u


7/19/2006 11:16 am

I help people all the time.One of the most aggrivating ones is a woman who is 40 with three kids and a grandchild.He car is in need of some major help.She wont let me try and help her or fix anything on her car.I'm just waiting for the damn thing to blow up and then she has nothing.I know it's a sad way to think but some people really don't want the help of others.As for me,I find peace in helping others and giving the shirt off my back sometimes.The loniless is what is killing me slowly and daily right now.


7/20/2006 6:13 pm

Sometimes I wish I was anywhere but where I am at Tiger.Being alone and down 90% of the time is not the way I remember enjoying myself or living my life.Now I work as often as possible to keep my mind off of things.It doesn't help coming in here sometimes and seeing all the gorgeous women on this site either....lol...But I guess some eye-candy is better then no eye-candy.Smile.You've just been put in Dog cam.

smoothnjuicy4u 50F

7/21/2006 9:15 am

Hey Devil, just wanted to check in on your blog.


7/21/2006 1:06 pm

Hello Smooth.Just letting off some frustration and steam with this last entry and been working alot but I will be posting again around monday or so.

OboesHonedIambs 62F

7/24/2006 11:04 pm

I'm mighty sorry about your son. You were both way too young for that to be happening. You'll find your balance and peace of mind, but you're still grievin' now. You don't gotta push things to fast. You know that from your training. You just go steady and think smart.

Instant Human -- Just Add Coffee


7/25/2006 12:53 am

Thank you for your kindness during this time in my life abqlady2.

JadedJewelMacho 56M

8/8/2006 1:16 pm

Sorry to hear about your son. Life is so much harder when fathers survive their children.
Hang tough!


8/8/2006 5:21 pm

Thanks drziggy.

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