IT HURTS TO HAVE YOUR EYES OPENED TO THE TRUTH  

TravelinsAuntPat 50F
237 posts
5/6/2006 3:44 am

Last Read:
6/10/2006 12:44 am

IT HURTS TO HAVE YOUR EYES OPENED TO THE TRUTH

WELL I GUESS IF LOVING SOMEONE WAS EASY THEN WE WOULD NOT NEED ZOLOFT, EFFEXOR, WELLBUTRIN OR XANAX. I HATE THE EARTH SHATTERING FEELING THAT GOES THROUGH ME WHEN THE LIGHT BULB GOES ON OVER MY HEAD THAT STRIPS AWAY THE DARKNESS I HAVE BEEN IN WHERE A RELATIONSHIP IS CONCERNED. THIS IS NOT THE TYPICAL RELATIONSHIP ISSUE IT IS ONE WHERE YOU HAVE THIS PERSON WHO HAS BEEN IN YOUR 360 ALL YOUR LIFE. YOU HAVE TRUSTED AND LOOKED UP TOO AND ADMIRED THIS PERSON AND ASPIRED TO BE MORE LIKE THEM. (GEEZ WAS I FOOLED)

BUT WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN YOU FIND OUT THAT THIS PERSON REALLY IS SO SHALLOW AND SELF CENTERED THAT PERHAPS THEY NEVER REALLY CARED WHAT YOU WERE EVER GOING THROUGH. I THINK WHAT THEY ONLY REALLY EVER CARED ABOUT WAS KNOWING MY BUSINESS. YET THIS PERSON IS SO IMPORTANT TO YOU AND YOU SEEK THEIR APPROVAL ON EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER DONE IN YOUR LIFE. ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT YOU NEVER EVER COULD HAVE ACHIEVED IT.

I WOULD HAVE DONE BACK FLIPS TO SUPPORT THIS PERSON AND I HAVE SPENT HOURS AND WHEN I SAY HOURS LISTENING AND CONSOLING AND BEING WILLING TO DRIVE TO THAT PERSON WHEN I COULD TO HELP. YET AS I SAID EARLIER WHEN MY CHIPS WERE DOWN AROUND MY ANKLES AND I NEEDED SOMEONE TO TAKE ME IN THEIR ARMS AND TELL ME THEY LOVED ME AND TO TELL ME THAT "HEY WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER" "I AM HERE FOR YOU UNCONDITIONALLY" YEAH RIGHT THIS PERSON IS SO DRIED UP AND CONDITIONAL THAT THEY WOULD HAVE RATHER JUMPED OVER A FENCE FACE FIRST INTO A RUNNING RIVER WAY DOWN THE HILL BEFORE THEY COULD HAVE SET THEIR OWN NEEDS OR PRIDE ASIDE.

PRIDE ONE OF THE 7 DEADLIES!!!!! AT LEAST I HAVE THE GRACE TO SAY THAT I HAVE NEVER EVER LET MY PRIDE STAND IN THE WAY OF MY LOVE AND THAT THE CARING NURTURING PART OF ME HAD ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR THIS PERSON. WELL SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA CUT THE TIE THAT BINDS. AS PAINFUL AS IT MAYBE I DON'T FEEL LIKE HANDING OUT MY LOVE EMOTION WHEN IT IS NOT REALLY WANTED OR RECIPROCATED. I HATE FAKE!!!!!! LIKE GIVING LOVE AND RESPECT OUT WHEN IT IS NOT NOR LOOKING BACK OVER THE PAST 40 YEARS HAS IT REALLY EVER BEEN RETURNED.

PLEASE DON'T MISS UNDERSTAND ME I KNOW THIS PERSON LOVES ME IN THEIR OWN LITTLE CONDITIONAL WAY. AS OF TODAY IN THE RAYS OF THE LIGHT BULB SHINING OVER MY HEAD I CHOOSE NOT TO BE A DUMPING GROUND FOR THIS PERSON ANYMORE. I JUST REMEMBER THIS PERSON TELLING ME ONE TIME THEY NEVER WANTED TO BE LIKE SOMEONE MUTUAL IN OUR LIVES BECAUSE THAT MUTUAL RELATIVES LOVE WAS CONDITIONAL AND THEY NEVER WANTED TO FIND THEMSELVES BEING OLD AND MISERABLE.

NOT ONLY HAS THIS PERSON'S LOVE BEEN CONDITIONAL BUT THE MISERY THAT IS CARRIED IN THE HEART SADDENS ME IT IS SO THICK YOU COULD BOTTLE IT.

THANK GOD TODAY I SEE MY LIFE IN A NEW LIGHT AND I ASPIRE NO MORE TO BE SO MUCH LIKE SOMEONE WHO I NOW REALIZE WAS FAKE ALL ALONG. SOMEWHERE IN THE BIBLE IT TALKS ABOUT COVETTING WHAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS. THIS NOT ONLY APPLIES TO POSSESSIONS IT APPLIES TO REPEATING SOMEONE ELSE'S ACTIONS. SOMEONE COULD BE THE APITAMY OF HAPPINESS OR CARING ON THE OUTSIDE BUT WHEN YOU REALLY GET YOUR EYES OPENED YOU MIGHT FIND YOU DON'T NOR SHOULD I HAVE EVER WANTED TO BE LIKE THIS PERSON AT ALL.

OK ENOUGH ABOUT MY BROKEN RELATIONSHIP. THANK GOD I AM WHO I AM. I HAVE BEEN DOWN A ROUGH ROAD IN MY LIFE. MOST OF THE ROUGHNESS HAS BEEN BROUGHT ON BY MY OWN WRONG DECISIONS. YET I HAVE AN INNER STRENGTH THAT AT LEAST I KNOW NO MATTER WHO COMES OR GOES IN MY LIFE, OR WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN

I WILL SURVIVE AND I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN WITH OUT SOMEONE ELSE'S FAKE APPROVAL!!!!! GO ME!!!!!!!

THANK YOU TO THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME FOR REAL AND WHO CAN SHOW LOVE AND AFFECTION WITHOUT FREEZING UP LIKE AN OLD CEMENT FROG IN THE YARD............ THE REAL PEOPLE KNOW WHO THEY ARE AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE AND HELPING ME OVER A MAJOR HURDLE IN MY LIFE. I AM GOING TO BE JUST FINE...........


shadowshiver 49M

5/8/2006 1:54 am

hmm i recently told someone that i believe love should be simple, direct, without question, without condition or deceit she said i was naive, keeping that in mind 'kick em in the shin', and do more than survive be free

If you want me just whistle....
you do know how to whistle don't you?


TTigerAtty 62M

5/8/2006 7:04 am

Wow, Auntie Pat! You sure got that load off your shoulders! Good luck to you! Glad you're back!


demonicsexkitten 41F
10671 posts
5/8/2006 4:41 pm

"yaaaaaaaaaay! go YOU!!"

not sure if that is an appropriate comment or not. but reading your "Go ME!!!!" made me smile. I, also, have that inner strength that keeps me going. It always enables me to find something to laugh or smile about when life is at it's lowest, thereby letting me know it's not the end.

big (((HUGS))) and best of luck and happiness to you


TravelinsAuntPat 50F

5/10/2006 2:08 am

THANK YOU TIGER, SHADOW AND DEMONIC. YEP OLD AUNTIE PAT IS UP AND RUNNING NOW. IT SUCKS TO LOVE SOMEONE ALL YOUR LIFE AND THEN FIGURE OUT OH SHIT DUH I COULD HAVE HAD A V8


rm_birdog49 61M
6 posts
6/1/2006 8:36 am

Auntie Pat, at least you had the courage to actually do it, and for that I am in awe. I know what you are feeling, but at least in my situation it has been on the table for 13 years. Things do get better, and besides V8 is always good.


TravelinsAuntPat 50F

6/10/2006 12:43 am

yeah imagine that i coulda had a v8 but i settle for soda a flat soda at that muhaaaaaaaaa


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